The anger towards God is because He has not taken me home. I prayed for Him to heal me and I have not been healed... why hasn't God healed me?
It's misdirected and my brain knows not to be angry but my heart is not as convinced.
Let me explain this to you, Little1, and it will be an honor. I'm sensing when you say your brain knows not to be angry, you're being obedient to Him solely on the basis that it is a command. Let me encourage you here. In order to fully convince your heart, and never doubt His love for you ever again, learn this: Those who endure sufferings while yet remaining faithful to God are the closest of all to His heart. Even now I hear Him telling me, "Keep going, keep going," as if He's been wanting to tell you this for a very long time. You have no
idea how precious you are to Him, and He is going to reward your faithfulness to Him in this far,
far beyond your wildest dreams. As you yourself stated, we are called to
intimacy with Him, both now and in eternity. Your sufferings have brought you into deeper intimacy with Him. That post was the most beautiful thing I believe I have ever seen before.
Ask Him in prayer if these things I have said to you are not so. Ask Him. And I will leave you with this short passage (2 Corinthians 4:17-18). Also understand that God is going to judge each one of us, not in comparison with others and the burdens they had to bear, which might have been much lighter by comparison. He is going to judge us in accordance with the burden
we had to bear in this life (Galatians 6:4-5). It sounds as if you are bearing an incredible burden, and yet remaining faithful to Him in the midst of it when the vast,
vast majority of humans in this world would have abandoned Him long ago.
I can't tell you how impressed I am with you. And trust me, you have
great reward coming.
Oh, and by the way, the Lord just told me "Nice job" on this post I just wrote to you.
God bless you, sister, and take every single word of this to heart. It was meant for you.
HiH