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aangel

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It's been a little over two months since that awful appointment where I got diagnosed with OCD, I'm still experiencing intrusive thoughts but with less anxiety though (it's called a backdoor spike). I still feel stuck in some ways and I haven't the slightest idea of what kind of therapist I should see so that's all up in the air right. I've been trying focus on God's love me for me but sometimes that stumbles me. I've heard people say that God loves you no matter e.g. even if the intrusive thoughts were true. This does not comfort me at all. The intrusive thoughts are so awful, so vile spirit crushing, and heartbreaking I'd rather I'd never been born than act on these thoughts. I hope I'm not being self-righteous (I know I need Jesus that same as everybody) but sometimes I stress to God (which is silly) that these thoughts are not mine. When my OCD was really bad (I used to get triggered by news reports about awful crimes) I'd say out loud that's not who I am and that has nothing to do with me. I keep praying for assurance. I'm tired of living in my head. I want to focus on important things and actually enjoy life. I'm hoping to have a decent career. I used to want to be a wife and a mother but I feel guilty and sad when I think about that. I'm barely functioning as it is so...I've told God I've committed those things to him.
 
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Rigatoni

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Not long after I was saved a few years ago, I also experienced intrusive thoughts, and know how horrible they can be. I fought against them constantly and did research online to try to figure out how to overcome them, but the more I fought / anticipated them, the more frequent they became. The best advice I read was just to let the thoughts come and go, as if you saw a train coming and let it go by. Having those ideas are not sin, and they may very well be from the enemy and are disguised as your own. If you ignore those ideas and images, and let go - focusing on something else that is positive and godly, they will fade away. I know you mentioned you tried focusing on God's love, but if you still anticipate them they will continue.

I remember hearing a sermon by Charles Stanley that was very helpful - I'm pretty sure this is the same one. I hope you find it encouraging:
 
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redblue22

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OCD thoughts latch on and one cannot get rid of them. You can't let them pass--and if you could, you might not have OCD. A person might feel he or she has to lock their car door 20 times. One cannot just say to oneself, "Oh, of course the lock is fine. I'll just lock it once." Let's say you tried it, you might not sleep because you keep thinking, "Did I really lock the car?" So you have to check. And check. And check. And check. You might have all sorts of horrible images of what might happen if you didn't lock it properly. You might think, "Did I really lock the other doors?"

Or imagine you've got a song stuck in your head. You can't get rid of the song for a month. You can listen to any music you want, but that song will still be there in your head. You can do other things in life, but the song continues. You pray, go to church, work, eat, shower, drive, and the song is with you through it all. Let's say the song is Highway to Hell. The song wears you out. Is it a sign from God that I'm damned? Do I even believe in God? Am I going to act on this song?

The worst part is that the thoughts and repetitions are sometimes so horrible that you could never share them with another human being. It doesn't stop and can drive one to madness. It isn't some cute thing like Monk.
 
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aangel

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OCD thoughts latch on and one cannot get rid of them. You can't let them pass--and if you could, you might not have OCD. A person might feel he or she has to lock their car door 20 times. One cannot just say to oneself, "Oh, of course the lock is fine. I'll just lock it once." Let's say you tried it, you might not sleep because you keep thinking, "Did I really lock the car?" So you have to check. And check. And check. And check. You might have all sorts of horrible images of what might happen if you didn't lock it properly. You might think, "Did I really lock the other doors?"

Or imagine you've got a song stuck in your head. You can't get rid of the song for a month. You can listen to any music you want, but that song will still be there in your head. You can do other things in life, but the song continues. You pray, go to church, work, eat, shower, drive, and the song is with you through it all. Let's say the song is Highway to Hell. The song wears you out. Is it a sign from God that I'm damned? Do I even believe in God? Am I going to act on this song?

The worst part is that the thoughts and repetitions are sometimes so horrible that you could never share them with another human being. It doesn't stop and can drive one to madness. It isn't some cute thing like Monk.

Yep. It is awful but I've been making habit of muttering God's word under my breath throughout the day. My go to verses are 2 Timothy 1:7 and Psalm 34:4-5. I still feel kind of sad though. Not having much anxiety about the intrusive thoughts can be a trigger too because you can fall into, 'If I'm not feeling anxious anymore does it mean I'm turning into these thoughts,' kind of thinking. It's like being on a merry-go-round.
 
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