Strange cause for arousal?

Bottom line - Men are visual.

He is obviously attracted to you, if he has given you no other reason I would not read anything into this.

Arousal starts in the mind. Looking at you, feeling loving and affectionate toward you, having sensual thoughts - all of those things can cause arousal for your bf. It's entirely normal, and it's a good thing; (mutual) attraction is an important component within intimacy in marriage.

In my opinion, there is no need to worry about this. You said his attraction to you has intensified over time. That's how it should be as a couple progresses toward marriage, and it's nothing to be alarmed about.

What are you waiting for marry the guy tomorrow.

Met my first wife and asked her to marry me 7 days later. It lasted 42 years till she passed away. God Led in that union.

Met my current wife asked her to marry me after 14 days from seeing each other face to face and yes the Lord brought us together. she said yes and we have been married for 6 years without an argument or cross word.

Even in my advanced age she aroused me when I was around her and it still happens

It is normal. Worry if he is not aroused.

Do you mean aroused as in he... um... has a part of him that gets excited?

Whatever the case its pretty normal. Obviously as you said kissing/touching does it. But when not doing that, it is normal too. My wife doesn't understand that men are very visual. When we see them, our heart flutters by their beauty and sometimes arousal does happen. One thing I would say is get married soon. I can tell you being in such a state sometimes leads to accident that you didn't mean to happen. Especially if kissing.

Alternatively if hes aroused just spray cold water in his face. Help him cool down. LOL

Your blessed honestly. The fact he hasn't looked at inappropriate content and what not is great. Hes a good guy! Especially because he only desires you.

Yeah its hard when in your part of a relationship. You want to marry so you can be free to be more intimate. But at the same time you want to be sure/ready they are the one for you first. Personally I'm for taking your time just to be sure. Better to have to break up while dating then to marry and divorce because things didn't work out. Just make sure you talk about everything you can before marriage. Views as a christian. Live views. Views on parenting. How many kids you want. If your clean/messy. How you spend money...etc. Because all these issues are important for later on.

I am blessed because with my wife. We met online. We talked about everything for a few months then decided to marry. I think like 4-5 months. God had answered us both about the issue of marriage so we felt confident we could marry that soon. But we didn't leave anything out about ourselves. No lies. Nothing hidden. Which really only leaves actually living with someone, the only things left to discover are maybe like "Oh man he snores loud!" or "It drives me nuts when she talks during movies!". lol. But those shouldn't be massive issues in a marriage.

Actually once we married (I went overseas for a month) it was a about 16 months before we seen each other again. It was a long visa process. So imagine the wait of controlling your urges before marriage. Then imagine them after your marriage and you can be however you want, but you have to wait again. Crazy long.

Sorry for the hijacked thread.

Fivesenses said:

Is it normal for my bf to be aroused around me even when we are not necessarily touching (and in public)?

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Absolutely.

He never had a problem with inappropriate contentography or any sexual past issues and has not really encountered this intense feeling until we started dating. Does this indicate that he might have a high libido (but then again if he did, why only go through strong sexual urges only now) or is it because we are going too far (at the mere sight of me) It has apparently intensified for him as time went by.

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Everyone is different so this is only a guess - but it could be that he is responding to your pheromones.

Guys are wired to get a regular sexual release ([bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]) and if he is not getting that, he is like a person who has been fasting for a long time and is ravenous. Any smell of food will cause the hunger pangs to intensify. You and him clearly have "chemistry" and that is working to keep him aroused. You click with him like no other. (apparently, since you say he has not experienced this before)

Fivesenses said:

I have great respect for all of you who went through this and cannot imagine how people can actually endure long term dating (5+ years) and stay pure until marriage with all this pent up desire (it must be hard work!)

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It actually can damage the normal response cycle. You have to mentally put in place blocks and techniques to keep from going too far. The problem is those "remedies" become automatic after a while and do not disperse once you say "I do." So even when you CAN be intimate, you are battling against it still.


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BTW - thanks for re-posting here!

Fivesenses said:

I'm actually a bit worried about what you said about this too.

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You should be. That is healthy.

We are trying to be very optimistic about intimacy after marriage (positive discourse/talks and attitude) so that we don't end up falling into the trap of "sex is always bad and sinful" mentality that many Christians perpetuate.

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Are you now engaged? Have you had pre-marital counseling?

I have experienced first hand in my marriage (and have read many similar accounts) of the harsh "sex is always bad" church message making sex in marriage to be equally bad. Some even teach that as well. (like Ed Cole in his "Maximized Manhood" video series calling marital intercourse "vaginal masturbation")

I would LOVE to see someone (anyone) teach the Song of Solomon with all the poetic imagery explained. Of course if they are teaching that to teen youths (where it should be taught) the teacher would be excommunicated and probably tarred and feathered.

my boyfriend is very guarded against sexual immorality (which probably explains why he has avoided many of the things a lot of man would do) so I'm worried that he might find it difficult to open up sexually after marriage. What do you think?

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I would say he stands a good chance of difficulty.

If you are already engaged, have you had a very frank discussion about masturbation?

Fivesenses said:

When you are talking about difficulty are you referring to:
1 - lack of desire to have sex
2 - erectile dysfunction
3 - guilt and shame - leading to not initiating sex anymore
4 - very prudish attitude towards sex

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1 - YES
2 - YES
3 - YES
4 - YES.

And more. In the case of my wife, she used anger to control her drive. If she thought I would initiate, she would pick a fight. That went on for years.

Fivesenses said:

In terms of masturbation - he of course does not touch

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So that means that he as about 15 years (or more) of shutting down his drive EVERY TIME. That is his ENTIRE adult life. IMO that means he already has some serious blockages.

The problem is one of perception. God gave Adam and Eve sex as a gift for their enjoyment and bonding. Man has turned what God meant for good into something evil and an enemy. (a huge block to overcome) I know that block fairly well myself. The smallest amount of arousal and desire could make me physically nauseous.

How perverse is that; God's good gift being an enemy?

Fivesenses said:

Any strategies to overcome this negative self-embedded mentality?

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LOL. You both will probably NOT like my suggestions.

Fivesenses said:

terms of masturbation... I did (more so when I was younger)

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And you stopped? How difficult was that? What "tricks" did you use to be able to stop?

You may find you have some blockages also.

I agree with Dave on a lot of things. I do think your worries are not unfounded. Waiting until you're married to talk about sexual attitudes is not a wise decision, in my opinion. That's a big aspect of married life, and by not talking about it, you are not prepared. It sounds like you're discussing other important topics such as child-raising and influences you got from your parents growing up. You are capable of having frank discussions about sex without actually doing it. My husband and I were, anyway. To not talk about it is foolish. A switch doesn't magically get flipped when the vows are exchanged. You are still the same people, with the same thoughts and feelings.

I sense from your posts that your boyfriend is still guarded around you, like he is debating whether you are worthy enough, righteous enough. I may be wrong, and I apologize. But to me, you seem like a woman who is doing her best to not stray from God and do the right thing.

Truth be told, I find it sad that he says he never masturbated, or claims not to have. Again, maybe I'm wrong, but I can't imagine a man who spent 15 years suppressing that part of himself will be able to have a healthy mindset toward sex when he does get married. It's like he's going to wing it and hope for the best. When does that work well in life? You have to talk about things, about sexual frequency, initiating, all that stuff. I don't even know where to begin because he doesn't know his body, and in fact seems to fear it. Sex can be a big point of contention later on, if there is frustration, the feeling of rejection, pressure to perform, any of that stuff. Not to mention, a man who considers a woman's sexuality sinful prior to marriage won't really see it in a positive way afterward. I would be worried that if I was "enthusiastic," he would think I was being overly lustful. When really, it's a healthy and beautiful expression of love between two married people, and it's a gift from God.

I sincerely apologize if any of this came across as hurtful, harsh, or judgmental. I just think that talking about sex should not be avoided at all costs like this. Regarding sex as an enemy that has to constantly be fought is an attitude difficult to break, and it won't just magically transform into a positive view once marriage happens. You've been together a year, and you are responsible adults. As I said earlier, you are capable of having frank and mature discussions without jumping into bed together. Trust yourselves, trust each other, and trust God to guide you.

Poppyseed78 said:

Truth be told, I find it sad that he says he never masturbated, or claims not to have.

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And I totally agree with Poppy's post.

"... or claims not to have." I found this thought particularly disturbing. If he has had strong anti-masturbation teaching, he may have done it on occasion and either blocked it from his mind or lies to himself about it. (those are not the same thing) Neither one is any good.

Poppyseed78 said:

because he doesn't know his body, and in fact seems to fear it.

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Indeed. One of the really fun things to do when you first get married is to give your spouse a guided tour of your body, showing what you like, don't like, and why. TO do that you need to be comfortable with your own body and sexual responses. Someone who is afraid of that is somewhat crippled already.

Poppyseed78 said:

Waiting until you're married to talk about sexual attitudes is not a wise decision, in my opinion.

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I totally agree. Its not like your going to talk about "Hey which of these positions do you wanna try when married?". Your looking to talk about important sexual related things that can make or break a marriage for some.

For example when it came to sex I asked has she ever had sex before. Ever MB. Does she think she has a high/low libido. How interested in sex she was. What does she see sex as, for only making babies or for pleasure. Or for both. What her views on protection like condoms were. Theres also the topic of "His/her body belongs to you", which is good to talk about because essentially it means you believe what the bible says about sex is never to be used as a weapon (No sex until you do this chore) and that your bodies belong to each other and shouldn't deny sex unless its a legit reason (period, bad migraine, disabilities...etc).

We did also discuss expectations vs reality. And about being hygienic/clean, which may sound silly but it can cause issues. Like if someone in general doesn't shower alot and doesn't want to clean up after sex, it can lead to UTIs and other issue. And just be gross. Or talking about sex is not a "wham bam thank you mam" thing (as in once hes done he just stops caring about it and goes to sleep/watches tv". Now this paragraph is up to you since its a bit more intimate.

Way to many have married without any talk of sex and end up being bitter, angry and depressed about sex. Maybe the wife barely wants any and make excuses or because the guy just cares about reaching his "peak" and thats it. Cheating, inappropriate content use and divorce have happened far to much because sex was not talked about. I'm glad my wife and I talked before hand. Having a high libido, I wouldn't last long with someone who denies sex constantly. Not that I would cheat or anything. And to be honest sex still takes work together to figure out things and to work on it once married.

Since you already discussed those topics, I think you're off to a good start. I apologize if I was off-base, I made some assumptions based on your earlier posts. In any case, I'm glad you're talking things through.

Fivesenses said:

We did and do have discussions about sex (sorry I didn't include that point in my post). We have talked about our past, libido, frequency, who initiates, for procreation only or not, birth control, how women's body works differently. He does constantly reassure me that he desires me a lot and is excited at the prospect of sex in marriage. I'm not really sure about his libido since he does have desires like other men but never struggled with lust (as in never watched inappropriate content, masturbated or dwelled upon/fed sexual thoughts and fantasies even though the thoughts may come). So that's why he told me that he never struggled with such intense and frequent arousal until we started dating.

From my end, I thought I was suppose to admire him for not struggling with lust? I thought there are men who never masturbated and still has a healthy libido? (Or is that my wishful thinking...)

Anyways, I still touch (which he knows) but not as frequent and I try to just focus on the physical release if I need to but that's because I did not have a very healthy view of sex myself and allowed it to pull me away from praying and walking with God. My bf also knows that I value the role of sex in marriage, have a high libido, that I would like it as much as possible and I'm not intending to be a prudish wife.

Umm so I guess there's no strategies aside from counselling?!

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Ah good then. No I think its great you admire him for not struggling with lust. Its not an easy task for either sex. Well MB can lead to sin sometimes which in turns leads to a bad libido. Mainly because you don't stay turned on by your spouse very long. But thats assuming they bad libido happened because they looked at inappropriate content. Since he didn't then thats great.

On your wedding night you'll see how fast (or slow) hes turned on. If its fast then you won't have to worry about libido. Though to be fair the first year is the "honeymoon phase" so after that things for some couples slow down a bit.

I had to MB to relieve the urge to. Sadly in my case early on I had a inappropriate content addiction. Though at times I didn't need it to release. Which at was semi-good news. Now if my wife isn't able to have sex I MB. Which I should point out I wouldn't do so without her saying its ok to do. For some they feel hurt if you MB.

Seems like everything is good with you two then. I wouldn't worry to much about it then. If things get a little less "fun" after the honeymoon phase remember its ok to spice things up. Sex is a wonderful thing for a married couple and trying things is ok. Just obviously never push someone to do something they don't' want to do.