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I can't let God love me sometimes

A long time ago, when I was on the street and a heroin addict and a prostitute, a customer asked me to help him try heroin. I had told him no several times before but this particular time I was desperate for some. He didn't know how to shoot up and told me he wanted me to do it for him so after I was done with mine I did his for him. He died in my room that night. I suppose he was allergic to it or something. This was a couple of years before I came to know the Lord. I know the Lord has forgiven me of this and I have tried to forgive myself and go on but every time it comes up in my mind, it causes me to separate myself from God because the guilt is just too much and I just can't even stand to let God love me. I just want to punish myself. It just hurts too much. This time around, I was talking with some people in a group on facebook about it and I thought I was in a private conversation but it turned up on my timeline and I didn't know about it until the next morning when a friend told me about it. I have never told anyone about this and now I just want to totally isolate myself. I feel way to awful to go to God and I have Major Depressive Disorder and I just don't know how I'm ever going to be able to get over this when I don't even feel that I deserve to get over it. I'm just feeling very hopeless right now. I chose this forum catagory because I have ptsd from this and other traumas.
 
He went out right away. I gave him mouth to mouth and he came back. He slept all evening. I shook him a couple of times to make sure he was alright but the last time in the night I checked he was dead. I wouldn't feel so guilty if I had not put the needle in his arm and shot in the drugs. But I did. He was a helicopter pilot with a wife and 3 children. I often think about his wife getting the news of her husband being found dead in a known prostitutes room. How awful for her. My heart is heavy.
 
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brinny

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:heart: Amy, God LOVES you. He has ALL of this, and yes, it is tragic, and heart-wrenching, yet He HAS it. It is as Jesus Himself said on the cross (and He was not just speaking for those crucifying Him, but for ALL sinners, including "us") when He said 'Father forgive them for they know not what they do'.

All of the pieces, HE picks up. He forgives you, precious. He LOVES you. His grace sustains you during those times of struggle.

Praying for you dear heart. (((hug)))
 
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Johnnz

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Yes, I have been forgiven and God accepts me but what about him? And his family? And his children that had to grow up without a father? Why should I have it so good?

He is not your responsibility. Accept the total forgiveness you aleady have and live out of that.

John
NZ
 
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Bluerose31

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A long time ago, when I was on the street and a heroin addict and a prostitute, a customer asked me to help him try heroin. I had told him no several times before but this particular time I was desperate for some. He didn't know how to shoot up and told me he wanted me to do it for him so after I was done with mine I did his for him. He died in my room that night. I suppose he was allergic to it or something. This was a couple of years before I came to know the Lord. I know the Lord has forgiven me of this and I have tried to forgive myself and go on but every time it comes up in my mind, it causes me to separate myself from God because the guilt is just too much and I just can't even stand to let God love me. I just want to punish myself. It just hurts too much. This time around, I was talking with some people in a group on facebook about it and I thought I was in a private conversation but it turned up on my timeline and I didn't know about it until the next morning when a friend told me about it. I have never told anyone about this and now I just want to totally isolate myself. I feel way to awful to go to God and I have Major Depressive Disorder and I just don't know how I'm ever going to be able to get over this when I don't even feel that I deserve to get over it. I'm just feeling very hopeless right now. I chose this forum catagory because I have ptsd from this and other traumas.
I am sorry this happened to you Amy. God forgives you and wants to heal you. God loves you so much. I understand how past experiences can hurt a person. I have been through some bad things as well and it causes me to feel guilt too but God loves you and he will heal you.
 
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