- Apr 29, 2014
- 495
- 264
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- United States
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- Baptist
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- Married
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- US-Republican
I don't know how to say it really, but the truth is I just don't Trust God for much any more.
I am tired of the painful times and the rough spots. In addition, for a while now(several years), about 99% of the things I pray for not only are answered with ,"No.", but with a worsening of the situation. It really is as if God is taking the lists of thing I am praying to have happen in my life and the things I am praying to not happen, and then He is scratching out the titles and writing "Not going to happen" over the things I am praying for, and "My Plan is to double these" over the list I am praying against.
Before the, "He will restore" crowd gets going, I have NEVER been interested in a restoration. I wanted, and continue to want, protection from this stuff, not insurance against it (Insurance doesn't prevent the problem, it restores afterwards). I am not a "destination" person. To me, a hard, painful journey to an awesome destination isn't worth it. I would rather have a nice easy journey to a lesser destination.
Also, don't start with the "it's part of His plan". That just makes things worse. That means this pain is His doing, and I have NO HOPE of getting it taken care of. If it is the Devil, I can have hope that God can, and presumably will, fix the situation. If it is HIS plan than that is gone, because God wants me in this pain for His purpose(which by this point I have ZERO desire for).
One more group to address: the "He is forming you" crowd. To use the analogies from the Bible, my faith is made from gasoline-soaked balsa wood that is thinly cut. In other words, the "fire of affliction" will burn it to useless ashes, and any attempt at molding through pressure with break it. If he wanted me a certain way, why not save me the trouble and MAKE ME THAT WAY TO BEGIN WITH? If He actually wanted me, He would know that no amount of painful experience will draw me to Him. It will only act like a cattle prod and drive me away. If he is trying to get me to reach a certain group, He really is WAY off track. I grew up poor and had an abusive parent. I am LESS sympathetic to people who let those things mess with them. I don't care anymore what the purpose of it is, I just want it to stop. If there is good on the other side of this pain, I would give it up in LESS THAN a heartbeat to avoid the pain. A painful experience poisons a blessing for me.
So I don't know how to handle this, and I am losing even having "warm thoughts" for Him, much less love. I guess I need some advice on how to handle a god who is either: A) Not omniscient(He'd know that this is driving me away from Him) B) Not Omnipotent(I don't really believe this which makes it WORSE), C) Uncaring, or who I don't trust enough for D) has things in store for later(ESPECIALLY if he's waiting until after I die).
I am tired of the painful times and the rough spots. In addition, for a while now(several years), about 99% of the things I pray for not only are answered with ,"No.", but with a worsening of the situation. It really is as if God is taking the lists of thing I am praying to have happen in my life and the things I am praying to not happen, and then He is scratching out the titles and writing "Not going to happen" over the things I am praying for, and "My Plan is to double these" over the list I am praying against.
Before the, "He will restore" crowd gets going, I have NEVER been interested in a restoration. I wanted, and continue to want, protection from this stuff, not insurance against it (Insurance doesn't prevent the problem, it restores afterwards). I am not a "destination" person. To me, a hard, painful journey to an awesome destination isn't worth it. I would rather have a nice easy journey to a lesser destination.
Also, don't start with the "it's part of His plan". That just makes things worse. That means this pain is His doing, and I have NO HOPE of getting it taken care of. If it is the Devil, I can have hope that God can, and presumably will, fix the situation. If it is HIS plan than that is gone, because God wants me in this pain for His purpose(which by this point I have ZERO desire for).
One more group to address: the "He is forming you" crowd. To use the analogies from the Bible, my faith is made from gasoline-soaked balsa wood that is thinly cut. In other words, the "fire of affliction" will burn it to useless ashes, and any attempt at molding through pressure with break it. If he wanted me a certain way, why not save me the trouble and MAKE ME THAT WAY TO BEGIN WITH? If He actually wanted me, He would know that no amount of painful experience will draw me to Him. It will only act like a cattle prod and drive me away. If he is trying to get me to reach a certain group, He really is WAY off track. I grew up poor and had an abusive parent. I am LESS sympathetic to people who let those things mess with them. I don't care anymore what the purpose of it is, I just want it to stop. If there is good on the other side of this pain, I would give it up in LESS THAN a heartbeat to avoid the pain. A painful experience poisons a blessing for me.
So I don't know how to handle this, and I am losing even having "warm thoughts" for Him, much less love. I guess I need some advice on how to handle a god who is either: A) Not omniscient(He'd know that this is driving me away from Him) B) Not Omnipotent(I don't really believe this which makes it WORSE), C) Uncaring, or who I don't trust enough for D) has things in store for later(ESPECIALLY if he's waiting until after I die).