Prayer Request My wife hurt me again

Rhino521

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so to start before my wife and I got married durning the engagement she was sending pics of her self to another man.( pics only a husband should see)
She told me about it asked for my forgiveness and I forgave her. So we got married and are headed to 4 years of marriage in June. This last weekend she made out with another man. He was druck and remembered it all and even told me she wanted it to happen. She also asked me to forgive her and move on like nothing happened. I told her even though it was making out only according to what she said, I'm still hurt and I'll need some time to process this. 2 days latter she's nagging me about how it's my fault it happened and that she needs me to forgive her. I kind of have but I'm riding the fence on it. She says I'm over reacting. Am I over reacting. I told her we need to do counseling together or this won't work any more she got mad and an hour later agreed to counseling. I'm still very hurt I'm trying my best. I need prayer and support. I'm asking for it here bc I don't want the image of my wife to be tainted if the family knows or friends know. But I'm losing my mind over this.
 

Hotinco

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You are in my prayers - Stick to your request for counseling, this needs to be addressed and dealt with properly. You have every right to be concerned and hurt. Her "demanding" you forgive her only shows her immaturity and need to counseling.
 
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snoochface

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She's gaslighting you. She's trying to make you think her lack of moral character, her cheating on you, is your fault, that you're overreacting, and it's not a big deal. She is manipulating you - this is a classic sign of an abuser.

Please evaluate if she is abusive to you in other ways. This is a good checklist to use to try to see the signs - and please continue to seek counseling.


  • Pushes for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
  • Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
  • Controlling: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
  • Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
  • Isolation: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
  • Blames other for problems or mistakes: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
  • Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
  • Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
  • Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also can expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or might tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.
  • Use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
  • Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
  • Rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
  • Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
  • Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
  • Threats of violence: Says things like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."
 
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akmom

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Ah, "gaslighting." The new catch phrase every one is passing around on social media. Last year it was "sociopath." Everyone was passing around checklists about what makes a sociopath. I do think it's great that we are starting to be able to label some of these character flaws that create dysfunction, but were hard for past generations to put their finger on. Passive aggression and enabling are two biggies that I think used to get passed off as good behavior, because they "seem" good if you don't really look at what's happening. So in a way, it's nice to have this trend of enlightenment.

HOWEVER, we have got to quit trying to label every situation with a quick catch phrase and then write off the "offender" as hopeless. It has become a game of "gotcha" diagnoses instead of thoughtful insights. Guess what? We ALL have character flaws.
 
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akmom

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For what it's worth, I don't think she is "gaslighting" you. I think she is just really eager to be forgiven and move on. I am similar. When my husband is upset, I tend to want to interrogate him until I know why and then I want to hurry up and fix it. But he likes to talk about it in his own time, and recover at his own pace. And it drives me nuts "waiting" for him to cheer up, but I've learned to be patient because some things just do take time to get over. Even if it's just a bad day at work. But definitely if it's something more hurtful.

It's quite reasonable to take time to get over your wife of four years essentially cheating on you. If counseling will help you process your hurt, then it's perfectly acceptable to request/demand it.

I feel like we all have vices, and there are just certain sins that are harder for people than others. It sounds like lust is a difficult one for your wife. I don't mean to trivialize it, because faithfulness is very important in a marriage. But in terms of temptation, it's on par with greed, gluttony, and laziness. There's plenty of hurt in the wake of anger, pride and envy too. But for some reason, we don't get as hurt when our spouse over-eats, or runs up needless debt, or refuses to pick up after themselves. And yes, these seem trivial. But it all comes down to acting on impulses, and that's what lust is. So I think there is more to it than just getting forgiveness and moving on. That temptation needs to be addressed and given to God, and she needs prayers for strength in the face of it. She might even need professional help dealing with it.
 
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Dave-W

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She's gaslighting you.
Um - do you know what that term means? Have you seen the movie?

upload_2017-1-12_7-27-8.jpeg
 
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snoochface

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Yes, I saw the movie years ago, and many times. It came out in 1944. The term means, "Someone trying to make you think what you know to be true is not, in fact, true and it's all in your head." That's what is happening here. She's telling him he is to blame for her cheating (he's not) and he is wrong to feel hurt about it (he's not) and he is overreacting to it (he's not). She's trying to make him believe that his thinking about what she did is wrong. The term is not a new one (I'm 50 years old and have used the phrase when appropriate for most of my life).

The signs of an abuser were posted by Dear Abby at least ten years ago, and reprinted periodically, so they are not new either. I wasn't saying his wife is an abuser, but asking him to read the checklist to see if other signs are present - because he seems very unsure about whether what she is doing is okay or not, his confidence is undermined, and he is questioning his own very valid feelings. Checklists of signs of trouble can be helpful when you can't see those signs easily yourself.
 
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Dave-W

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The signs of an abuser were posted by Dear Abby at least ten years ago,
Was she still posting 10 years ago? She died in 2013.

. I wasn't saying his wife is an abuser, but asking him to read the checklist to see if other signs are present - because he seems very unsure about whether what she is doing is okay or not, his confidence is undermined, and he is questioning his own very valid feelings. Checklists of signs of trouble can be helpful when you can't see those signs easily yourself.
It looks like a good list, and I agree to the usefulness of such a list.
 
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Dave-W

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Yes, her daughter took over the column, and it is still being syndicated and published daily.
OK. Good to know.
Did anyone pick up the column written by her identical twin sister Ann Landers?
 
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Gwen-is-new!

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I have never heard the term "gaslighting" and was about to google!

On a side note, is there scriptural basis for putting someone under the microscope (required to answer the helpful "checklists" and "labels").. seems scripture says to examine ourselves, and not look at the speck in others (NOT saying his wife cheating is a speck).. but just wondering if this "psychology" (?) has any roots in scripture or is strictly worldly. How does labeling someone a "gaslighter" help the situation, provide peace, glorify Christ ?

Why would we listen to Dear Abby when we have wisdom from the All-knowing, all-powerful great I AM who never makes mistakes, has always existed and always will, and loves us so much He sent His son to die on the cross for us?

Just curious.
 
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Gwen-is-new!

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so to start before my wife and I got married durning the engagement she was sending pics of her self to another man.( pics only a husband should see)
She told me about it asked for my forgiveness and I forgave her. So we got married and are headed to 4 years of marriage in June. This last weekend she made out with another man. He was druck and remembered it all and even told me she wanted it to happen. She also asked me to forgive her and move on like nothing happened. I told her even though it was making out only according to what she said, I'm still hurt and I'll need some time to process this. 2 days latter she's nagging me about how it's my fault it happened and that she needs me to forgive her. I kind of have but I'm riding the fence on it. She says I'm over reacting. Am I over reacting. I told her we need to do counseling together or this won't work any more she got mad and an hour later agreed to counseling. I'm still very hurt I'm trying my best. I need prayer and support. I'm asking for it here bc I don't want the image of my wife to be tainted if the family knows or friends know. But I'm losing my mind over this.

Rhino - this is really really hard, and I can understand your devastation. I'm guessing you are young? Are you or your wife Christians?
 
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snoochface

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OK. Good to know.
Did anyone pick up the column written by her identical twin sister Ann Landers?

I don't believe so.

I have never heard the term "gaslighting" and was about to google!

On a side note, is there scriptural basis for putting someone under the microscope (required to answer the helpful "checklists" and "labels").. seems scripture says to examine ourselves, and not look at the speck in others (NOT saying his wife cheating is a speck).. but just wondering if this "psychology" (?) has any roots in scripture or is strictly worldly. How does labeling someone a "gaslighter" help the situation, provide peace, glorify Christ ?

Why would we listen to Dear Abby when we have wisdom from the All-knowing, all-powerful great I AM who never makes mistakes, has always existed and always will, and loves us so much He sent His son to die on the cross for us?

Just curious.

I guess this is like asking if there is scriptural basis for seeing a psychologist rather than examining ourselves, or if it's worldly. Or if labeling someone as "bipolar" glorifies Christ. I suppose everyone needs to make that decision for themselves.

To me, God gave us wisdom, and medical knowledge, and psychological research, and all sorts of secular/"worldly" resources for us to use to improve our lives and better ourselves, so that we are able to be healthier and glorify him more. God never does make mistakes, but that does not mean we, by contrast, always do. We can use our God-given wisdom to help each other, especially when they post on a forum asking for advice.
 
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Gwen-is-new!

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I don't believe so.



I guess this is like asking if there is scriptural basis for seeing a psychologist rather than examining ourselves, or if it's worldly. Or if labeling someone as "bipolar" glorifies Christ. I suppose everyone needs to make that decision for themselves.

To me, God gave us wisdom, and medical knowledge, and psychological research, and all sorts of secular/"worldly" resources for us to use to improve our lives and better ourselves, so that we are able to be healthier and glorify him more. God never does make mistakes, but that does not mean we, by contrast, always do. We can use our God-given wisdom to help each other, especially when they post on a forum asking for advice.

Yes of course! But once we get that check list - the one you posted above for example - and we determine that "yes, my spouse is 5 out of those 10 things.. Yes!" We may feel validated, relieved, enlightened, a blameless victim maybe. Then what do we do? Give them the list, and tell them they are a "gaslighter" and better stop? Do we continue down the path of worldly wisdom even if contrary to God's word (very likely it will be)? Maybe we (our flesh) just feels comforted putting a label on them?

I keep seeing these diagnostic lists and I guess you have buy the book, or find the rest of the website to figure out what to do next (Holy Spirit excluded)? I can't tell exactly what advice was given to the OP other than the checklist.

Praying for him, and hoping he comes back.
 
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snoochface

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My next sentence after posting the checklist was, "and please continue to seek counseling."

Apparently the term "gaslighting" has fired people up and is making this thread more about my response than his problem. I'll clear this up so we can move on.

I believe that someone trying to convince you that what you know is true is not in fact true falls under the definition of gaslighting. This is an action that a human being has taken, not a definition of that human being, just as someone who tells one lie has "told a lie" and may not be defined as "a liar." I believe gaslighting, on top of a history of cheating and pushing the blame off onto someone else, can be signs of potential abuse. I posted a checklist for the guy to read so he can decide for himself. I believe that his next course of action should be continuing to pursue counseling. I didn't advocate that he do anything against scripture or God's word.

I further believe that we should let the thread go back to being about his issues with his wife now.
 
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Rhino521

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My next sentence after posting the checklist was, "and please continue to seek counseling."

Apparently the term "gaslighting" has fired people up and is making this thread more about my response than his problem. I'll clear this up so we can move on.

I believe that someone trying to convince you that what you know is true is not in fact true falls under the definition of gaslighting. This is an action that a human being has taken, not a definition of that human being, just as someone who tells one lie has "told a lie" and may not be defined as "a liar." I believe gaslighting, on top of a history of cheating and pushing the blame off onto someone else, can be signs of potential abuse. I posted a checklist for the guy to read so he can decide for himself. I believe that his next course of action should be continuing to pursue counseling. I didn't advocate that he do anything against scripture or God's word.

I further believe that we should let the thread go back to being about his issues with his wife now.
Thank you for all your advice! My wife and I have counseling starting in February together and I start counseling next week. This has got to be one of the hardest things I've faced so far. My wife and I haven't had it easy the last few years!

I should probably add that my wife is battling depression since haveing both are kids. My wife was very ill and almost died with are first born. Then with are second child my son almost died due to his longs be underdeveloped. He was also almost 2 months early. On top of that my wife has suffered lots of medical issues related to all of this that wernt resolved tell almost 3 months ago. I love her with all my heart and I'm not willing to give up. We had it rough but God has shown us so much love and support through family and friends. We have been blessed. I thank God for all we have made it through. But this after everything has shaken me it really has. I feel lost and I'm really praying the counseling helps
 
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LinkH

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If I were in that kind of relationship, I might want her to have an app where I could check where she was at all times, have her check with me before she went anywhere, go shopping only with me, and have her agree to that sort of thing until she regained my trust and as a form of accountability for her to keep herself in line. You could also tell her you aren't going to have an adulteress as a wife, and if this is going to work, she needs to have some accountability. It's one thing to forgive. It's another for her to be trustworthy.

My wife is trustworthy. She comes and goes as she pleases, but she's responsible and I don't have any fear of her running around on me with other men.

We've got gaslighting here on the thread. There is another buzzword or phrase, trickle truth, something I got from a website that talks about this sort of thing. If she says to you that she kissed a man last week when she was drunk, and then later she lets it slip that he felt her up, there could be a lot more too it. A woman in that situation might feel guilty and tell what happened bit by bit, withholding, or lying about the rest of what happened, but slowly tricking it out over time to assuage her guilty conscience. If she slept with the guy, it could start out as a drunk kiss, then the next time its a drunk kiss and he felt her up.

It could be what she said it was, too.

Is she a Christian? Is that where the focus on forgiveness is coming from? My wife and I both are Christians, and neither one of us hang out in bars and drink. We are both pretty much non-drinkers, and neither of us believe in getting drunk. The idea of actually going out and getting drunk and getting touchy-feely while hanging around the opposite sex is just so far out of our routine it isn't realistic for us. Have you talked with her about drinking, hanging out in bars, about not getting drunk?

Problems like this can have a spiritual root to them, of course. You can do some things to help encourage her in the faith. You can pray with her and study the Bible with her every night. If she is motivated to live a life pleasing to the Lord, that can help. It also helps if she has some other godly influences, maybe some female prayer partners, fellow members of a church homegroup or cell group or whatever she can pray with, etc.
 
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