Divorcing

holyreefer

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Hello everyone.
I'm a 35 yr old man who has been married for 13years. 2-kids 10&8. We both have 9-5's. 12/13 years of marriage we were landlords with 8 properties. Which we recently sold off last year. We live in a really nice house and drive nice cars. We travel anywhere between 4-5 times a year both as couples & a family. The classic American story (some would say)

So on Nov 8 of this year my wife filed for a divorce because she claims she miserable.
(Some history)
We got married at the age of 22/21 and I cheated between 23-25 right before my first son was born. I seat my wife down told her about everything she decided at the time she wanted to make the marriage work.
During the 13years of marriage she has tried to leave me 3 different times and I've always been able to get my family back. But she's never taking it to divorce. 6 years ago we moved to a suburban home but were separated 6 months prior to her coming to stay with me at one of our apartments. We sat down and discussed the lifestyle we would have and the "do's and dont's of our lifestyle as we looked for a house. We finally found the house. Fast forwarding...
July 2,2016
I booked for my family to go to a picnic at a lake and noticed my wife talking to my oldest son. Saying "I don't want to go to this F_cking picnic your father has us going too"
I was sleep as it was morning called her in the room and asked her where the honor as her husband had gone & the respect. Her response was since April Idk something just snapped.

August-sept 2016
I noticed my wife who was never a drinker started coming home tipsy. So my first ? Was when did you start to drink? Her response would be "leave me alone your giving me a headache"
Each week 3-4 nights she was out w/gfs which I don't care about but I had been asking for 6 weeks to go somewhere with me.

sept 21,2016
I was at a Boy Scout camping trip with my boys and I couldn't sleep I went to the middle of the woods and started pouring out my heart to GOD. Go back in the tent and a peace came over me and it was the presence of GOD. We pack up to go back home the next AM my wife turns to me and states as I'm driving "when we get home I'm F_ucking packing my bags & leaving to my moms" Still moved by GODS presence I turned around with a smile and said "ok" we get home she didn't go anywhere.

Oct 31,2016
My wife comes trick or treating with my boys and more of my family members. Afterwards comes to me and says your right you deserve to have someone who wants to seat across the table from you, who wants to enjoy a drink and food and laugh. But I don't want to do that wit you I don't want to invest in you anymore. It crushed me!

I moved to my moms

Since then I have been fighting crazy hard to keep my family. Since sept 21 but I have also been seeking GOD like never before.
Now that we are separated I've noticed every time we talk she makes it a point to mention we are never getting back together, this is over. Hurt people hurt people.

I'm asking for those that have been through this before. Is there any chance my wife and I will reconcile?

Since I've been apart 2 1/2 months now I've realized I've never been in a marriage where I was shown unconditional love & loved for my flaws like I have loved her. I also realize until my wife can forgive and get rid of the bottled up anger, resentment and Unforgiveness she will never be able to progress in her life as it's now rooted in her soul.

The reasons for her wanting divorce has been the following:
1. We operate out of manipulation & control
2. You cheated on me 11 years ago
3. I'm miserable when asked why (I don't know)
4. I just don't want to do this anymore I'm done
5. We should be able to have a balance of going out & being together as lone as I'm not violating the marriage
6. I'm just not in love with you anymore
7. (Recent) your mean to me


Since all of this has kicked off the seeking for GOD has been amazing for both me and my children. But my wife stayed to my parents who are pastors. "I'll go back to GOD when I'm done leaving him" which clearly lets me know she knows what she's doing is wrong.
She stepped away from GOD 8-10 months ago so she could do this.

She has put the importance of having our with her divorced gfs and driving ALOT more important (she's masking)

I can say even though I knew better I lived a lifestyle of not seeking GOD first. I allowed my family to go to church without me for years!

I smoked marijuana since the day I meet my wife but stopped as GOD showed me how during the tent visit.

But anyone who knows me knows I've always loved my wife first and foremost. My mother in law even states she's not in agreement but will support her daughter.

My wife never clubbed in her 20's she never really dated like she said a real man until she meet me.

Is this a phase?
Will my marriage be restored?
 

holyreefer

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Praying for you, Sir. God can bring miserable, bitter people back to Himself, but He doesn't violate our free will. But one should never stop hoping.

But GOD is stronger than free will. If it's in his plans...I looked up the stats for reconciliation after divorce and it's pretty high. I'm hoping GOD can and will change her heart.
 
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holyreefer

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Just never stop loving her. That'll, possibly, be the greatest challenge. But all things are possible in Christ.

That's exactly what I've been doing loving how Christ loved the church...boy it hasn't been easy. But I am
 
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Godlovesmetwo

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I also realize until my wife can forgive and get rid of the bottled up anger, resentment and Unforgiveness she will never be able to progress in her life as it's now rooted in her soul.
My question to you would be: "Could you fully forgive your wife if she was unfaithful for a period of 2 years?"
But I have no experience of divorce so it is better to wait for someone else to reply.
 
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holyreefer

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My question to you would be: "Could you fully forgive your wife if she was unfaithful for a period of 2 years?"
But I have no experience of divorce so it is better to wait for someone else to reply.

That's a great question. With GOD behind me I'd be surprised. Most of us men can't endure that. I have a church friend who him and his wife were divorced 3 different times for infidelity on his part. I asked him how was it seeing his wife date other men his response was " I introduced it in our marriage she finished it, we reap what we sow".
 
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dayhiker

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Hi holyreefer .. welcome to CF.
Just going to comment on my reactions to your post as I felt them.

Don't see anything in your post that would keep a woman who was madly in love with you from loving you.
Your post is very intellectual, well organized like a business proposal.
Didn't get the impression you know what your wife is anger about.

You are loving you wife .. but I don't think you are creating any passion in her heart.
So I have this feeling as much as you love your life she doesn't feel your love. I'm thinking that love isn't getting outside your skin where she can feel it. Usually when I am aware of that, I saw you need to learn a whole lot about intimacy(not sexuality).

Just my thoughts.
 
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holyreefer

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Thank you for your response. I'm not the one who has filed but she has become so ugly you would have thought I did file.

I agree with your statement regarding the love. Lately Ive been feeding my spirit on books and the word of GOD concerning love and what loving my wife like Christ loves the church type of love
 
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Bell122855

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I can only speak from experience. My last marriage ended after 15 years and honestly, I took the first step toward divorce. The first 3/4 of our marriage he had some issues that I tried resolving with him through counseling and other ways but he insisted we didn't need it. After a while resentments started building in my heart and as much as I prayed and prayed and honored God to the best of my human ability after a while my heart grew cold and indifferent towards him. I talked to him about this often, I told him I was afraid some day my heart would harden if things didn't change but he made the choice to continue without working on his issues. He also knew how much I loves the Lord and desired to honor Him no matter what so somewhere in his mind he believed he didn't have to change because I would never leave him. Well, it happened after all those years I could not even stand to be in the same room as him and I wanted it over, so we divorced. toward the end, he begged and begged and begged and suddenly decided we should try marriage counseling but it was too late for me. I just didn't have it in me to try anymore. Something I noticed was that the more my heart closed toward him the more it began to close out God too. It want that closing out God made it easier or less convicting to divorce, it just happened. As much as I was told to forgive him during our marriage, forgiveness is a process. It is not humanly possible to forgive something that continues, at least it wasn't for me anyway. I prayed for years that God change his heart and open his eyes as well as change my heart daily to forgive. The problem is we all have a choice and it was his choice to continue in his sin not mine but it was my choice to no longer be the victim of his choice. You stated you cheated for two years, I suspect she was not able to try forgive you for that. Did you both work on that together for healing? Nothing is impossible with God but it takes both to want it at the same time. The way your wife feels right now is not something that happens over night. It builds over years. Just some food for thought. I will pray for both of you.
 
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puregrl

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I am so very sorry you are going through this. I cant say that this is a phase, she sounds very determined. I think the best thing that you as a husband can do is love her and pray for her. Which has been stated before. I am talking about a unconditional, all in kind of love, with love dare type of tasks. It will be difficult, as it seems it will be reciprocated. I cannot promise it will work. But you will know, beyond a doubt, that you did everything you could to save your marriage.
 
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