Trying to figure out if I should stay single for the rest of my life

MayMcFlurry

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First off, I am very sorry for what you experienced. That's horrible.

Second, the first thing I think is you need to forgive yourself. You are a new creation in Christ and Jesus forgave you of all your sins already. What you might want to do is cut soul ties to all the men you slept with. You can find out how to do it on the internet. That will effectively end your 'marriage' at a soul level with these people, and allow you to meet a nice Christian partner who can truly be there for you. Until you cut the soul ties you may not find that one special person in the first place.

Marriage and divorce happens and Jesus gives us grace, so try not to be too harsh on yourself. We are imperfect beings, and that is why Moses was allowed by God to issue divorce.

I think really it depends on what YOU are comfortable with. My very strong Christian mother was married to a very abusive man (and I grew up with that) and in the end she had to divorce him for all our safety. Take things in context. She tells me Jesus was pleased with her for making that decision. He already died for her sins (marrying him, having sex with him, allowing him to hurt us, divorcing him) - it doesn't make sin okay but we are under grace. Now she has met a lovely Christian man and is in a beautiful relationship with him.

It's up to you. What do you think the Holy Spirit is saying to you?
 
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Thank you for sharing your testimony sister, the only biblical reference I can think of is in the book of Joshua chapters 5 and 6 when those two spies from the camp of Israel went into Jericho to spie out and they were hid by Rahab the harlot. Because of this she was saved from the destruction of Jericho her and her family. And when looking at the geneologies of the kings of Judah you see that she later got married to Salmon who is Boaz's father, who's Obed's father, who's Jesse' father and who's king David's father and the list goes on.
I Corinthians 1:27 it talks about how God uses the 'foolish' things. Not necessarily foolish in his eyes but in the eyes of man as God is a searcher of the heart. So if you have given your all to Him trust me sister to Him you are blameless and He will bless you with a marriage that He has ordained.
Where human ability ends then God's grace begins. So just trust and believe Him for His Word. In Isaiah He said though your sins may be as crimson they shall be as wool so fear not and don't be disheartened my sister. It is people like us that Christ came to save and the chiefest of all is that He called us and we answered. All we ought to pray for now is to live according to His will till we breathe our last so that we can be among the chosen. For many are called but a few are chosen. God bless you sister and may you continue to be a blessing to others.

Shalom!
 
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Calvinist Dark Lord

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Sorry, this is long.

First, I know that "trigger warning" gets thrown around a lot on the internet, but I don't use the term loosely. Some of my post is going to cover the topic of child abuse, and while I'm not going to go into details, I'm not going to sugar coat it, either, so please protect yourself and move on if this is a triggering topic for you. It's a triggering topic for me, as well, so on that note, please be kind. I'm putting myself and the worst of my sins out here, and I would be lying if I said it doesn't make me pretty nervous.

Second, the question weighing on my mind is a potentially controversial topic, so I request that people please be respectful to each other and not flame each other if you disagree, but please just let me know your perceptions based on understanding of scripture.

Third, I have asked my new pastor about this in an email, though I did not go into detail at all, I just asked him how the Bible defines marriage, basically, but I also asked him for some clarity on a long list of other scripture things (he had offered this help), and chances are that he is a very busy person, given that he is a pastor, and I also mentioned that I understand that and that it's okay if I don't hear from him for several weeks, since it's not an emergency. So I might not hear from him on this or other matters for several weeks, but this particular issue is weighing on me heavily, anyway.

So all of that said,

Straight to the point I was sexually abused as a very young child, to the point that it left me with scarring and also gave me physiological disorders. I actually don't even remember any of it, but only found out when I was an older teenager and thought I was a virgin, and had my first exam, and that is when the scarring was found, I had incoherent flashback problems, and wound up diagnosed with severe vaginismus and PTSD later on.

Now making matters even worse, is that throughout my late teens through my mid-twenties, I had all sorts of psychological issues, let alone the spiritual issues. Substance abuse, self-harm and so on. But also I had issues with men. I had a relationship that lasted a year, and we never had sex (I was unable due to the vaginismus). I had another relationship that lasted 3 years, and we had sex once, but we were never able to again, on account of my problems with the disorder and also he was never able to be affectionate or patient enough to make it work. I still very much so loved this man and thought we would marry someday, but understandably he got frustrated with me, became even colder and distant and eventually he got together with my coworker, and that was the end of that. I stayed single for years after that, but then while I was homeless for a short while, I basically allowed a man to have sex with me in exchange for his help with surviving on the streets. It felt like rape but if I'm honest with myself and anyone else, I could have stabbed him and run away, but I didn't, because I didn't want to die alone on the streets. I spiraled even more after that, and did sexual things with two other men while I was a complete wreck and just very lonely and wanting to be able to experience sex as enjoyable instead of as a painful or desperate thing. That was a couple of years ago.

So then only months ago, I received a calling by the Holy Spirit and am becoming a disciple of Christ. I am to be baptized soon at a church I have joined, and it has and continues to be a truly amazing and wonderful thing for me to dedicate my life to Christ and to actually feel the Holy Spirit, like there is faith, and then there is also experiencing it, so both together.

But one of the many topics I was reading about in the Bible, was the topic of marriage. So first it seems that many perceive that the Bible defines marriage as sex, due to the becoming one flesh part, which if I'm completely honest makes me about throw up thinking that I was Biblically married to a very sick person when I was a little kid and then can't even remember it.

Then there is all this history of fornication in my late teens to mid-twenties where I was basically going around like a tripped out Borderline Personality Disorder woman and doing all manner of self-destructive and sinful things.

So in God's eyes, have I basically been "married" multiple times, and have committed adultery (in addition to fornication) multiple times?

The reason I need to know is because now that I have been called by the Holy Spirit and am about be baptized and dedicate my life to being a disciple of Christ, the situation is different somewhat in regards to sin. Like now sinning would be even worse if I am doing it willfully and disobeying Jesus/God despite having been called by the Holy Spirit. So now it seems there is a bigger responsibility than ever before to make sure I know what is sin and what is not, and to make sure I am not willfully sinning or being willfully ignorant about sin.

So that is why this is important. Because the Bible does say pretty explicitly in several areas, including Jesus' words, Himself, that God/Jesus are extremely against divorce, and that if you get divorced and then marry someone else, that is adultery.

So does that make sense? My concern, I mean. If I have been married in God's eyes, then it would mean I should stay single for the rest of my life, because otherwise I would be knowingly committing adultery, which would be to knowingly commit a huge sin while being a disciple of Christ, and so obviously I shouldn't let that happen.

I do believe in Jesus' words that I will be forgiven for all of these past sins, but again that doesn't mean that I should just keep willfully sinning going forward.

Now even if it were okay for me to legally marry, I don't think I should be with someone who has been a Christian their whole life, they deserve better and I'm kind of a train wreck that was patched back together to be healthy and healed only in recent years. But what should happen if say I am gaining fellowship with other Christians over the future years, and I meet a Christian man who has the same sort of past as me, as far as having a bunch of sinful blunders, including fornication, but now we are both saved Christians, even if we were late bloomers, and say we developed feelings for each other. Would we need to both just ignore it and stay single? Lest we would both be committing adultery?

Is it at least true that I haven't been "married" in God's eyes since I was a kid, and that only the sins I committed as an adult would count? So that in God's eyes I was married to the guy I was with for a few years? (Not that I intend to track this guy down to proclaim us married or anything, he is long gone and might even be legally married now, I don't know, but just as far as my own understanding of where I'm at in God's eyes.)

Please give it to me straight, your perceptions of scripture, (but please don't flame each other). I am okay with the outcome regardless. I just want to do what God wants me to do, and so it's going to be very confusing if I meet a Christian man in the future and it seems like God is bringing us together, if I don't first know God's stance on whether I should remain single or not. Knowing God's stance first will help me in the future to discern the difference between God's plans for me, and just plain old temptation.

Thanks to anyone who read through all of that and has any insight to offer.
i had to make sure that this wasn't the singles forum, else i could not post here. Thank you for placing it in the advice forum.

i am an older man who just married about two months ago. This is the first marriage for either my wife or myself. By older, i mean that my wife is young enough to be my daughter, and she's in her mid 30's.

So i can very strongly identify with the questions about whether or not God has given you the gift of singleness. In my case i would have said something like "been cursed with the gift of singleness" --and not quite in jest.

While neither i nor my wife were ever involved with homosexuality, we came to know of the ministry of some people who were once heavily involved with that life style. --i'm not going where you think i'm going on this, just bear with me.

Among the people we became aware of was an Asian-American man named Christopher Yuan. After becoming a Christian and repudiating his life's choices (unfortunately not before becoming HIV positive), Yuan went to Moody Bible Institute and got an education in Theology. That includes being able to read to a certain extent the original languages of the bible.

During one of his videos he said something that i had never been aware of before, and i looked it up. He was right.

The gist of the matter is that Paul called singleness a gift of God (I Cor 7:7). The word translated as 'gift' is not the usual Greek word for gift, 'doron', instead it is the Greek word Charisma. We get our word Charismatic from it. Charisma is the same word which is spoken of in respect to spiritual gifts. Sometimes it can (depending on the context) be translated 'Grace'.

Both ideas are present in the I Cor 7:7 passage.

The Gift of Singleness (Charisma) has to be given to you in order for you to succeed in what you wish to pursue. With out the gift or grace of God, you will fail.

It seems that this is where you first must look, and look prayerfully. It is too important a matter to make a mistake on.

Your pastor can't do that for you. God never tells anyone any story except their own. (That quote was from C.S. Lewis' Narnia Chronicles). What your pastor can do is make sure that you're not trying to fight on alone.

Now about singleness. The former gay and lesbian christians have mentioned that there were only six main verses against homosexuality. Well, i've news for you. There are even less dealing with singleness.
 
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PeterDona

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I believe that you are not married to anyone. Really, being married is to have a covenant (see e.g. Malachi 2:13-16), and a covenant is entered into by a solemn vow. Therefore if you are not in a covenant, then you are not in a marriage.

However, once you have entered into a covenant marriage, it will be for life (1 Cor 7:39). Starting to live with someone else, even doing a "divorce and remarriage" is in Gods eyes adultery (see e.g. Luke 16:18). I do not see anything that can make room for a second marriage, because it is the covenant partner that is your one-flesh partner (Malachi 2:13-16 again). And the covenant is really until death, since a one-flesh relation can only be broken off when one of the fleshes is no longer alive.

Btw adultery means "pollution", it does not break the one flesh relation, it just pollutes it. The words of Jesus "What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder" (Matthew 19:6) could also be translated "let no man keep apart", which does not give the false impression that a one-flesh union can be broken off. It cannot.

And you are right to take these matters very seriously. If in doubt, better live alone. But as I hear your history you are still free to find a spouse. Sex does not create a marriage. It is the solemn vows upon which God will create a one-flesh.
 
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faroukfarouk

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Thank you for all of the scripture references. The part in Jesus teachings, when He told the adulteress that He does not condemn her, but also told her to sin no more, did not make me doubt in the promise of our salvation through Jesus, but did have me wanting to "sin no more" as well. I am very tired and must sleep soon (up all night with a restless mind, my own fault), but I intend to read everyone's scripture references when I am next awake and refreshed, to consider all of them and then pray on the matter, so thank you very much for your help, I appreciate it.
It's a very moving passage in John 8.

(This is also an example of how in Scripture there is a definitional distinction between adultery and fornication.)
 
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ToBeLoved

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Thank you very much for your input. I also believe 100% in Jesus' promise to forgive us of our past sins when we are saved, but how do we know that means that those past sins are not relevant going forward? Do you by chance have a quote from scripture on this? I'm definitely not deciding whether or not to be married today, of course, but I'm about to finish my degree at college, make new Christian friends, get involved in my new church and with helping people through ministry (the church I joined actually focuses on working with homeless people, so I can't help but take it as another sign that I meant to work alongside this congregation's effort to spread the Gospel, because I have experience being homeless, myself, so I can't wait to help the homeless with my new congregation, another blessing from God, for sure). In all of this, though, it is likely that I might meet someone. So I just want to know upfront what God wants, so that I have that to stand on, rather than being caught off guard and possibly confused by temptations.
When God forgives your sin, it is gone. Never to be brought up again. To make this point to us very clear the following scripture explains that God casts our sin as far away as the east is from the west.

Psalm 103:12
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, So great is His loving kindness toward those who fear Him. 12 As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Hebrews 8:12
12 For I will forgive their iniquities, and remember their sins no more.

Isaiah 43:25
"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins.

Micah 7:18
Who is a God like You, who pardons iniquity And passes over the rebellious act of the remnant of His possession? He does not retain His anger forever, Because He delights in unchanging love.

Micah 7:19
He will again have compassion on us; He will tread our iniquities under foot. Yes, You will cast all their sins Into the depths of the sea.

God has also made you into a new creation. The old you, the sinful one is gone and God has put His perfect child in His new creation. He loves you, very, very much!

Since God has forgiven you, try to forgive yourself. It might take a while and a lot of healing and God's love and then one day when you find that special Christian guy you will start to live the life that God intended for His beloved Child.
 
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Saucy

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*blind post*

I've been through very similar events. I was raped by a male member of my family and was abused physically, mentally, and sexually over various periods of time throughout my childhood. This has caused me to not always have the best relationships with people at times. I've made a lot of mistakes and am very repentant of my past.

The BEST we have and can do is to forgive ourselves. People don't understand how much we beat ourselves up over what happened to us and how we tried to cope afterward.

The thing to remember is, God understands. He is not outside of your situation or mine. He has MASSIVE shoulders and while you might be left feeling dirty, like you're less of a person, HE doesn't see you that way. I don't see you that way either.

All I can do is my best. Continue to improve yourself and grow closer to Christ. You've been completely forgiven by God. And while the enemy wants to remind you of your sins, they have been buried and are in the past where you can't change a thing.

I know I'm a guy, so this might be too sensitive a topic to talk about with a guy, but because we share the trauma, my inbox is always open for you if you need to chat or vent.
 
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Root of Jesse

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Sorry, this is long.

First, I know that "trigger warning" gets thrown around a lot on the internet, but I don't use the term loosely. Some of my post is going to cover the topic of child abuse, and while I'm not going to go into details, I'm not going to sugar coat it, either, so please protect yourself and move on if this is a triggering topic for you. It's a triggering topic for me, as well, so on that note, please be kind. I'm putting myself and the worst of my sins out here, and I would be lying if I said it doesn't make me pretty nervous.

Second, the question weighing on my mind is a potentially controversial topic, so I request that people please be respectful to each other and not flame each other if you disagree, but please just let me know your perceptions based on understanding of scripture.

Third, I have asked my new pastor about this in an email, though I did not go into detail at all, I just asked him how the Bible defines marriage, basically, but I also asked him for some clarity on a long list of other scripture things (he had offered this help), and chances are that he is a very busy person, given that he is a pastor, and I also mentioned that I understand that and that it's okay if I don't hear from him for several weeks, since it's not an emergency. So I might not hear from him on this or other matters for several weeks, but this particular issue is weighing on me heavily, anyway.

So all of that said,

Straight to the point I was sexually abused as a very young child, to the point that it left me with scarring and also gave me physiological disorders. I actually don't even remember any of it, but only found out when I was an older teenager and thought I was a virgin, and had my first exam, and that is when the scarring was found, I had incoherent flashback problems, and wound up diagnosed with severe vaginismus and PTSD later on.

Now making matters even worse, is that throughout my late teens through my mid-twenties, I had all sorts of psychological issues, let alone the spiritual issues. Substance abuse, self-harm and so on. But also I had issues with men. I had a relationship that lasted a year, and we never had sex (I was unable due to the vaginismus). I had another relationship that lasted 3 years, and we had sex once, but we were never able to again, on account of my problems with the disorder and also he was never able to be affectionate or patient enough to make it work. I still very much so loved this man and thought we would marry someday, but understandably he got frustrated with me, became even colder and distant and eventually he got together with my coworker, and that was the end of that. I stayed single for years after that, but then while I was homeless for a short while, I basically allowed a man to have sex with me in exchange for his help with surviving on the streets. It felt like rape but if I'm honest with myself and anyone else, I could have stabbed him and run away, but I didn't, because I didn't want to die alone on the streets. I spiraled even more after that, and did sexual things with two other men while I was a complete wreck and just very lonely and wanting to be able to experience sex as enjoyable instead of as a painful or desperate thing. That was a couple of years ago.

So then only months ago, I received a calling by the Holy Spirit and am becoming a disciple of Christ. I am to be baptized soon at a church I have joined, and it has and continues to be a truly amazing and wonderful thing for me to dedicate my life to Christ and to actually feel the Holy Spirit, like there is faith, and then there is also experiencing it, so both together.

But one of the many topics I was reading about in the Bible, was the topic of marriage. So first it seems that many perceive that the Bible defines marriage as sex, due to the becoming one flesh part, which if I'm completely honest makes me about throw up thinking that I was Biblically married to a very sick person when I was a little kid and then can't even remember it.

Then there is all this history of fornication in my late teens to mid-twenties where I was basically going around like a tripped out Borderline Personality Disorder woman and doing all manner of self-destructive and sinful things.

So in God's eyes, have I basically been "married" multiple times, and have committed adultery (in addition to fornication) multiple times?

The reason I need to know is because now that I have been called by the Holy Spirit and am about be baptized and dedicate my life to being a disciple of Christ, the situation is different somewhat in regards to sin. Like now sinning would be even worse if I am doing it willfully and disobeying Jesus/God despite having been called by the Holy Spirit. So now it seems there is a bigger responsibility than ever before to make sure I know what is sin and what is not, and to make sure I am not willfully sinning or being willfully ignorant about sin.

So that is why this is important. Because the Bible does say pretty explicitly in several areas, including Jesus' words, Himself, that God/Jesus are extremely against divorce, and that if you get divorced and then marry someone else, that is adultery.

So does that make sense? My concern, I mean. If I have been married in God's eyes, then it would mean I should stay single for the rest of my life, because otherwise I would be knowingly committing adultery, which would be to knowingly commit a huge sin while being a disciple of Christ, and so obviously I shouldn't let that happen.

I do believe in Jesus' words that I will be forgiven for all of these past sins, but again that doesn't mean that I should just keep willfully sinning going forward.

Now even if it were okay for me to legally marry, I don't think I should be with someone who has been a Christian their whole life, they deserve better and I'm kind of a train wreck that was patched back together to be healthy and healed only in recent years. But what should happen if say I am gaining fellowship with other Christians over the future years, and I meet a Christian man who has the same sort of past as me, as far as having a bunch of sinful blunders, including fornication, but now we are both saved Christians, even if we were late bloomers, and say we developed feelings for each other. Would we need to both just ignore it and stay single? Lest we would both be committing adultery?

Is it at least true that I haven't been "married" in God's eyes since I was a kid, and that only the sins I committed as an adult would count? So that in God's eyes I was married to the guy I was with for a few years? (Not that I intend to track this guy down to proclaim us married or anything, he is long gone and might even be legally married now, I don't know, but just as far as my own understanding of where I'm at in God's eyes.)

Please give it to me straight, your perceptions of scripture, (but please don't flame each other). I am okay with the outcome regardless. I just want to do what God wants me to do, and so it's going to be very confusing if I meet a Christian man in the future and it seems like God is bringing us together, if I don't first know God's stance on whether I should remain single or not. Knowing God's stance first will help me in the future to discern the difference between God's plans for me, and just plain old temptation.

Thanks to anyone who read through all of that and has any insight to offer.
First of all, welcome to Christian Forums, and welcome to Christianity. I don't believe the Bible says that marriage is sex. Sex is part of marriage, but really only a small part, to be mutually defined by you as a couple. Marital love is about sacrificial giving. Two becoming one flesh means that you melt to yourself for the good of your husband, and vice versa. There is no me in marriage-that's what the Bible tells us. Marriage happens in God's eyes when you willingly give yourself to the man you wish to marry, and he willingly gives himself to you.
I will say very bluntly that real marriages, these days, are few and far between, because people are so wrapped up in what's in it for them. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, it is 100%. Sacrificial giving.
I realize, having read what you've been through, that it may be very difficult to give yourself to a man this way. We must also realize that not everyone is called to be married, and that there is a vocation to singlehood.

If you'd like to speak more about this, please let me know. God bless you on your journey.
 
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Blade

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Sis... the Father before the world was...knew about you. He knew if He didnt do something you would be lost from Him for ever. He could not would NOT EVER let that happen. He knew sin would keep you from Him. So He.. Christ left heaven became man ..knew the price it would cost Him to save you. Believe it or not like it or not.. you were the reason He came. No one else would do it.. yet He WANTED TO...took your place so HE would not lose you.

Ever star that you see? A was made for YOU! I love saying this.. in heaven.. standing with BILLIONS..you look over to your left and.. Hes looking ONLY at you. You look around and wonder.. a why is He not looking at them? Yet its only YOU. And He lets you know.. YOU are the most important one to Him.. Hes GOD. How He does this I do not know. Yet it feels you with so much joy that HE does this for each of us. See God is not a man nor thinks like one. He loves you.. It can not change nothing we do can stop it. Everything was made for YOU! WOW

I give you this...from my heart. I have been married over 30+ years. My wife had things happen to her like you. It was something to this day I have NEVER EVER touched. What I give is this.... how you feel is how I feel. What I mean is.. I AM THE ONE that does not deserve her (makes me cry now). I LOVE her. And yes what happen to her did has effect me us ...yet that is not why I married her. Do you see? YOU ARE..not was ARE. What you see is PAST... that HE died for. We always look at OUT side healing yet.. INNER healing is there for you NOW!

Only ONE wants us to look backwards and live in the past. Sis I do know and understand.. but give it to HIM..now how you feel see hear.. just give it. He takes it and what you get back....oh is so beautiful so wonderful.

Not sure I agree with how you see marriage. Well Jesus said...if He had not come and spoke they would have no sin. Jesus said if you were blind you would have no sin..you say you see your sin remains. Adam and Eve didnt take from that tree not knowing. God told them. She new for she said it before she took a bite. Its like the woman caught in sin tossed before Jesus feet. Which one had no sin? Lets AMP this up ok? Which one on the EARTH then and NOW has no sin? The only one that had the RIGHT to toss a stone.. didnt. And Jesus never even went to the cross yet. But told her..where are the ones that accuse you? Not here.. Nor do I. Go and sin no more.

Did you repent for your past? If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and to cleans us from? ALL not some.. ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS! Sis.. He does not judge you nor condemn you. YOU see the past.. He does not. If you and just from what you say have repented...so just what NOW this moment is GOD looking at? He CLEANSED YOU FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS! A REJOICE! NO..DONT listen to that voice.. there is NOW NO condemnation to them in Christ JESUS!

HAHA.. YOU HAVE been made BRAND NEW! GRAB THAT! HOLD ON TO IT! ALL not some.... ALL HAS BEEN FORGIVEN AND BEEN MADE NEW! WOW what a GIFT you are to anyone that GOD gives to you..for they are a gift to you. See.. whom the SON sets free is free indeed. GRAB THAT! YEAH.. you ARE SET FREE! That PAST that SIN no longer has a hold on you..its GONE FOREVER!

Be like that soldier that when Jesus said He would go with him.. the soldier said.. NO. You just speak the word. Jesus was shocked! In all Israel no one had such FAITH! See that FAITH is taking HIM at His word. Not by what you feel see or hear. He came died buried rose.. this man is your friend...your best friend. He is your brother. He is your savior He is YOUR GOD! The Father? Is your DADDY!..Your GOD! So...let go of the past..for that seems like just words..but WORDS for GOD MADE all we see! HIS words are life. And those words HE speaks can not EVER return to Him void. They HAVE to do what HE SAID! You are the reason He came.

Sometimes...just sometimes.. its good to write down ALL of this..what you think happen to you. Then GIVE IT TO HIM and burn it.. bless you so much in JESUS NAME. You will get a peace a joy that will WOW so bless you! Its HIS.. given to YOU. All He does was given...not asked for.. And HE does not take it back. Its FREE! I know how hard it is to see but.. you are held to tight in HIS ARMS! He is NEVER EVER EVER EVER letting you go! Relax
 
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TurtleAnne

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Thank you everyone for your scripture references, advice and those of you who shared your stories, I appreciate all of you very much. I am going to read the scriptures given and spend time in prayer on this matter. And also thank you to those of you who mentioned professional help, I agree that this is important, I have made good progress in therapy over the years, my PTSD is much less severe than it was even 10 years ago, healing is possible it just takes a while.

What do you think the Holy Spirit is saying to you?

Aside from urging me to get baptized, the big thing over the past couple of months has been that I need to stop being a cynical loner and seek out fellowship, to discuss and confess and ask for advice, and not be so proud and mistrusting of people. So that is why I joined these forums and also found a church, and I am glad I listened.
 
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GirdYourLoins

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Thank you everyone for your scripture references, advice and those of you who shared your stories, I appreciate all of you very much. I am going to read the scriptures given and spend time in prayer on this matter. And also thank you to those of you who mentioned professional help, I agree that this is important, I have made good progress in therapy over the years, my PTSD is much less severe than it was even 10 years ago, healing is possible it just takes a while.



Aside from urging me to get baptized, the big thing over the past couple of months has been that I need to stop being a cynical loner and seek out fellowship, to discuss and confess and ask for advice, and not be so proud and mistrusting of people. So that is why I joined these forums and also found a church, and I am glad I listened.

If you can find a Christian psychiatrist or psychologist that would be my recommendation but they are still trained by man and they can only talk to you about what happened and give advice on coping with your past. God is the only one who can bring inner healing, I know from experience (I put my story earlier). Get prayed for. A lot. I had one particular time at a conference in Wales where I got prayed for for healing for past abuse and so did a lot of others. I had a lot of suppressed emotions come out and flew into a huge rage. I ended up having to leave the conference site for the day and went walking in the mountains (more like hills by US standards). Others there manifested all sorts of reactions including one man who had to be restrained by about 5 or 6 other fairly big men. The point being sometimes it needs to come out to be dealt with, even with God. Do not be scared to let Him do what he needs to, even though you may not want to face it at the time.

And regarding the felllowship rather than being a loner. I still struggle to connect with people and unless God changes that I probably always wlll. It does help to have understanding people around. I have reached the point where I am totally comfortable talking to people about what has happened to me in the past and use it as a witness to what God has done in my life. I've done many years of volunteer work with the homeless and it really helps there that you have been through suffering. I think in their eyes you go from someone trying to just help to someone who understands genuine hardship.
 
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TurtleAnne

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If you can find a Christian psychiatrist or psychologist that would be my recommendation but they are still trained by man and they can only talk to you about what happened and give advice on coping with your past. God is the only one who can bring inner healing, I know from experience (I put my story earlier). Get prayed for. A lot. I had one particular time at a conference in Wales where I got prayed for for healing for past abuse and so did a lot of others. I had a lot of suppressed emotions come out and flew into a huge rage. I ended up having to leave the conference site for the day and went walking in the mountains (more like hills by US standards). Others there manifested all sorts of reactions including one man who had to be restrained by about 5 or 6 other fairly big men. The point being sometimes it needs to come out to be dealt with, even with God. Do not be scared to let Him do what he needs to, even though you may not want to face it at the time.

I agree with you. In my experience, therapists helped me in a launching pad sort of way. I didn't have any humans with whom I could interact about such topics in my personal life, either because I could not trust them or because they could not help and it would have just been a burden to them, or both. Psychology (which of course, everything is gifted to humans by God, but hopefully you get my gist) for the most part gave me two important things: first being able to put into words what I had experienced, in a way that other humans could mutually understand, like jargon for symptoms and such, and then second, knowing all of this jargon allowed me to find other survivors online which let me realize that I was far from alone in my experiences. I cannot deny that these were two extremely valuable things.

But then there is also what I have experienced therapeutically, being alone out in nature, for example, and just feeling and searching with my soul. I did not realize for decades of my life that what I was doing was praying, as now that I have the jargon of the English language, to know to call it "praying" and "pray" willfully, the experience is the same. The Holy Spirit just did not open my spiritual eyes until very recently, to realize that it had been prayer all along, that it had been Jesus all along at certain very intense or otherwise personally-significant moments of my life, and so on. So only quite recently am I able to communicate even more, even beyond what psychology gave me, in that prayer in solitude healed me more than anything.
 
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paul1149

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TurtleAnne,

I have not read all the responses, but I have read some. I was very impressed with your post's honesty.

My best understanding of sex and marriage is that there is a sense in which any sex creates a "one-flesh" relationship, and that is why it is wrong. It clouds the moral, spiritual and emotional aspects of our soul. There are other consequences as well: children born into an unstable and unloving situation, and possible disease.

However, that does not make all sex equivalent to marriage. Marriage is entered into volitionally. It is a commitment and a covenant. The sex we had before marriage, before Christ, does not demand that we stay faithful to bygone relationships. We are new creatures in Christ, called to a new life of freedom (Gal 5.1). Indeed, Paul says in 1Cor 7 that if the unbeliever wants to depart, let him go, for we are called to peace. There was nothing "believing" about those past relationships. They should be let go like an unbelieving spouse who wants to leave, so that you can embrace Christ with the fulness of who you now are. And that last is the core issue. We need to cast off the burdens of life as much as possible in order to embrace Christ without reservation (Mt 11.2:cool:.

As far as marrying only someone who has been through something similar to your own experience: perhaps, and there are things to be said for it, but God doesn't always think the way we do. I wouldn't slam the door too tightly shut on who might or might not be eligible. To let God lead as He wishes is the best policy.

Blessings,
Paul
 
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MayMcFlurry

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Aside from urging me to get baptized, the big thing over the past couple of months has been that I need to stop being a cynical loner and seek out fellowship, to discuss and confess and ask for advice, and not be so proud and mistrusting of people. So that is why I joined these forums and also found a church, and I am glad I listened.

That's great! Sometimes being alone gets us in the cycle of feeling bad about life and we lose our hope. Being baptised too will make a huge difference. Maybe you will meet someone at your church, who can understand you and what you've been through and accept you anyway. Good luck. :thumbsup:
 
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faroukfarouk

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I agree with you. In my experience, therapists helped me in a launching pad sort of way. I didn't have any humans with whom I could interact about such topics in my personal life, either because I could not trust them or because they could not help and it would have just been a burden to them, or both. Psychology (which of course, everything is gifted to humans by God, but hopefully you get my gist) for the most part gave me two important things: first being able to put into words what I had experienced, in a way that other humans could mutually understand, like jargon for symptoms and such, and then second, knowing all of this jargon allowed me to find other survivors online which let me realize that I was far from alone in my experiences. I cannot deny that these were two extremely valuable things.

But then there is also what I have experienced therapeutically, being alone out in nature, for example, and just feeling and searching with my soul. I did not realize for decades of my life that what I was doing was praying, as now that I have the jargon of the English language, to know to call it "praying" and "pray" willfully, the experience is the same. The Holy Spirit just did not open my spiritual eyes until very recently, to realize that it had been prayer all along, that it had been Jesus all along at certain very intense or otherwise personally-significant moments of my life, and so on. So only quite recently am I able to communicate even more, even beyond what psychology gave me, in that prayer in solitude healed me more than anything.
Romans 8 speaks of the believer crying 'Abba, Father', as the Spirit of God works in the heart.

If we get our vertical relationship right by God's grace through faith, then our horizontal, interpersonal relations will also be profoundly affected.
 
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OcifferPls

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If you want to remain unmarried for the rest of your life, I don't think you should marry. I don't believe that marriage should be something compulsory for everyone, except when a couple is convinced it's the right thing to do (e.g. two people have a child because of voluntary choices).

As for abuse and its relation to whether or not people should marry, personally I feel that people who aim to make the tragedy of abuse a permanent fixture in victims' lives to be reprehensible, but that's my opinion. "Protectors" should at least be open to allowing complete healing, even if that translates into finding a partner for marriage, if so desired.

Knowing God's stance first will help me in the future to discern the difference between God's plans for me, and just plain old temptation.

Well, firstly, how do you think one comes to know what God's stance is to begin with? That would be requisite to knowing God's stance, and not accepting some substitute.
 
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TurtleAnne

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Well, firstly, how do you think one comes to know what God's stance is to begin with?

Well I figured it would be best to rely on the scriptures, but I couldn't find a verse that put it in a straightforward way, what marriage is considered to be, but there is a lot in the Bible that I still haven't read, so I thought someone else might know of verse(s) for it. Several of the verses people have linked here, when taken together, do at least give me better understanding. So at least there is that.

And when scripture doesn't specify on a given matter, or is vague, I honestly have no idea yet how to discern between my own subconscious will and direction from the Holy Spirit. I personally experience the Holy Spirit more so in the moment of a situation, subjectively to me it is like an internal force that gives me calm, compassion and wisdom in the moments when I need it, but not so much direct answers for specific dilemmas. But maybe I will grow into something like that once I have been walking in my faith for a longer time.

Like as an awkward example, of the two times I tried to fool around a couple years ago, one of the young men drove from an hour away, and when he showed up it became so obvious early on that he had very low self-esteem and anxiety problems. We did very little fooling around before his anxiety became bad, so I let him smoke some weed and have a bit wine, and he had a panic attack, so we just spent a couple hours just talking about his problems in life until he was calmed down but exhausted and fell asleep on my lap. So I just let him stay there for a few hours while I read on my phone, so he would get some sleep before having to drive back to his home city. And when dawn came I fed him breakfast and we hugged goodbye. And I couldn't help but chuckle over it a little while later, like even while trying to get laid I still wind up being everyone's surrogate mother instead, but I just felt moved internally to take care of him a bit when the situation was at hand. In retrospect that is how I tend to experience the Holy Spirit, I guess. Like a vicarious grace, in a way, through myself and out towards others, sometimes in very odd circumstances.

So perhaps some in this thread were right and wise in their own way, in that maybe I should just let go of the thought for now and, if it comes up, see how the Holy Spirit internally moves me at the time. Idunno.
 
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