Husband had emotional affair

Waiting for answers · Dec 21, 2016

My husband talked to another woman who was his coworker for over three years. I caught him 3 times each time he went back to talking to her. After he promised he would never talk to her again. I tried to work things out between us. I would try and try and he would ignore me. This last time he told me he loved her and wanted her. I begged and cried . He wanted her and this fantasy life she told him they would have. One of his co workers told me that this lady also tried to message him at the same time she was talking to my husband. I told my husband what I knew about her now he wants me. I don't know what to do. I have prayed for over 3 years about this and have given it over to God. I have received no answer that I know of. Should I take him back again? Could you live with someone knowing you are second choice? Help please! This is killing me.

singpraise · Dec 21, 2016

In your place I would be so hurt, I would be crushed. My heart goes out to you.

This is a dilemma with no easy solution. I have a few questions: Do you still love your husband? That's the most important thing to take into consideration.

Did their affair ever get beyond emotional to a physical level?

Has he shared any of his reasons for having an affair? Is it possible to receive marriage counseling to help repair this damage?

I wouldn't walk away from your marriage just yet because you're still in too much emotional turmoil to make a rational decision. Your husband needs to understand how completely unacceptable what he did was. He needs to know how much he hurt you.

Also, you need to do some soul-searching to figure out if you can really forgive him and move on and heal your marriage or if you cannot. In the long run you deserve peace and trust in your marriage. Your husband deeply damaged your trust and he will have to build it back.

((hugs))

EmmaCat · Dec 21, 2016

I will be praying for you. Have you thought about counseling?

By the way, welcome to CF!

AlexDTX · Dec 21, 2016

Waiting for answers said:
My husband talked to another woman who was his coworker for over three years. I caught him 3 times each time he went back to talking to her. After he promised he would never talk to her again. I tried to work things out between us. I would try and try and he would ignore me. This last time he told me he loved her and wanted her. I begged and cried . He wanted her and this fantasy life she told him they would have. One of his co workers told me that this lady also tried to message him at the same time she was talking to my husband. I told my husband what I knew about her now he wants me. I don't know what to do. I have prayed for over 3 years about this and have given it over to God. I have received no answer that I know of. Should I take him back again? Could you live with someone knowing you are second choice? Help please! This is killing me.

I don't know if I have any answers, but you do have my sympathy. I was once a husband who had my imagination wander from my wife years ago when I knew after her hysterectomy that we would never have children. My heart was broken and I longed for another woman who could bear me children, although I knew I could never leave her. I made a commitment with my wedding vows to stay with her for life. So I turned to inappropriate contentography as a desperate wish for a child bearing wife.

But I had committed emotional adultery and knew that was wrong. It was the Lord who delivered me over a 5 year period of this sin. Every time I indulged I saw an immediate harm to her and saw the connection from my sinful activity and her harm. While I wanted children I never wanted to hurt her. My love for her overcame my indulgence and I finally became free of the sin.

There is hope for your husband, if my story helps. I made my self accountable to the Pastor of our church and to several of our best friends. I also confessed to my wife my behavior. The truth is, none of them held me accountable. Counseling and accountability are the wisdom of the world, not the wisdom of God. God alone will hold us all accountable. Your hope is in your husband loving the Lord. If not, then I don't know what may happen.

miamited · Dec 21, 2016

Hi waiting,

What your husband did is wrong. I don't want you to think that anything I'm going to say is intended in anyway to minimize that.

For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

Forgive others, for in the same way that you forgive others, will your Father in heaven also forgive you.

These are two, I believe, truths of the Scriptures. Two of the commands and instructions that God, our Creator, have given those who desire to be His children to live by.

You say that you are waiting on God to answer...maybe He already has.

If we add these two truths to the fact that your husband did return to you...maybe He already has.

Finally, according to the Lord, the only way that a marriage vow can be dissolved, for the child of God, is through death. Just as the vow says, 'till death do we part'.

Yes, I know that it hurts. But pain, for the one who can forgive the wrongs of others, is always temporary. A good marriage is work. A life of two people living together will, with pretty sure certainty, run into times that things will go wrong.

I can tell you what God's will is for you. Wife, love your husband. God's will for you husband is that he love you.

My counsel is to have a good long sit down and discuss and ask him to reconfirm his commitment to you and to also discuss what steps each one of you can take, going forward, to make things aright again.

But remember this truth, loved one. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, but God, even though we are yet sinners, sent His Son to die in our place. That's real love. Are you capable of that kind of love for your husband?

Your commitment to God is that you will do everything in your power to strive to live according to His will for you. No matter what anyone else on the entire face of the earth does to or for you, God asks you, as His child, to live according to His commands and decrees. Can you do that? Will you do that?

God bless you, and welcome.
In Christ, Ted

Waiting for answers · Dec 21, 2016

singpraise said:
In your place I would be so hurt, I would be crushed. My heart goes out to you.

This is a dilemma with no easy solution. I have a few questions: Do you still love your husband? That's the most important thing to take into consideration.

Did their affair ever get beyond emotional to a physical level?

Has he shared any of his reasons for having an affair? Is it possible to receive marriage counseling to help repair this damage?

I wouldn't walk away from your marriage just yet because you're still in too much emotional turmoil to make a rational decision. Your husband needs to understand how completely unacceptable what he did was. He needs to know how much he hurt you.

Also, you need to do some soul-searching to figure out if you can really forgive him and move on and heal your marriage or if you cannot. In the long run you deserve peace and trust in your marriage. Your husband deeply damaged your trust and he will have to build it back.

((hugs))

Na Nach Oi! · Dec 21, 2016

Waiting for answers said:
My husband talked to another woman who was his coworker for over three years. I caught him 3 times each time he went back to talking to her. After he promised he would never talk to her again. I tried to work things out between us. I would try and try and he would ignore me. This last time he told me he loved her and wanted her. I begged and cried . He wanted her and this fantasy life she told him they would have. One of his co workers told me that this lady also tried to message him at the same time she was talking to my husband. I told my husband what I knew about her now he wants me. I don't know what to do. I have prayed for over 3 years about this and have given it over to God. I have received no answer that I know of. Should I take him back again? Could you live with someone knowing you are second choice? Help please! This is killing me.

Wait, 3 years?

I think your husband had had sex with her. Seriously. Sorry I have to say that.

I always suggest to divorce the unfaithful spouse to everyone I know.

But, if you think the divorce will be expensive and you couldn't afford, separate immediately in different house to calm down, with or without his permission!
Get the kids along with you!

Then, talk with and seek help from your relatives in real life. We couldn't help you any further from the front of monitor.

Get pack RIGHT NOW!

Waiting for answers · Dec 21, 2016

singpraise said:
In your place I would be so hurt, I would be crushed. My heart goes out to you.

This is a dilemma with no easy solution. I have a few questions: Do you still love your husband? That's the most important thing to take into consideration.

Did their affair ever get beyond emotional to a physical level?

Has he shared any of his reasons for having an affair? Is it possible to receive marriage counseling to help repair this damage?

I wouldn't walk away from your marriage just yet because you're still in too much emotional turmoil to make a rational decision. Your husband needs to understand how completely unacceptable what he did was. He needs to know how much he hurt you.

Also, you need to do some soul-searching to figure out if you can really forgive him and move on and heal your marriage or if you cannot. In the long run you deserve peace and trust in your marriage. Your husband deeply damaged your trust and he will have to build it

Hotinco · Dec 21, 2016

You have my deepest sympathy. That is a very hard place to be. The questions are do you love him? Are you willing to put in the work needed to restore your relationship? The same has to be true for him as well.

If the answers are yes, you need a good faith based counselor / marriage facilitator. They can help you rebuild the relationship and restore your trust.

Na Nach Oi! · Dec 21, 2016

C'mon Waiting,

Do you have some self-respect?

My advice is the MOST PRACTICAL to save your mental sanity. Seriously.

Plese try to think rationally this time: "Three years emotional cheating"?
Hell no, I am very sure they had reached physical cheating.

I would DIVORCE my wife if she did it to me. Without second thought.

Be strong and courageous.

Waiting for answers · Dec 21, 2016

singpraise said:
In your place I would be so hurt, I would be crushed. My heart goes out to you.

This is a dilemma with no easy solution. I have a few questions: Do you still love your husband? That's the most important thing to take into consideration.

Did their affair ever get beyond emotional to a physical level?

Has he shared any of his reasons for having an affair? Is it possible to receive marriage counseling to help repair this damage?

I wouldn't walk away from your marriage just yet because you're still in too much emotional turmoil to make a rational decision. Your husband needs to understand how completely unacceptable what he did was. He needs to know how much he hurt you.

Also, you need to do some soul-searching to figure out if you can really forgive him and move on and heal your marriage or if you cannot. In the long run you deserve peace and trust in your marriage. Your husband deeply damaged your trust and he will have to build it back.

((hugs))

Yes I love him. He swears it never was physical.

Waiting for answers · Dec 21, 2016

AyeAyeCaptainJack said:
C'mon Waiting,

Do you have some self-respect?

My advice is the MOST PRACTICAL to save your mental sanity. Seriously.

Plese try to think rationally this time: "Three years emotional cheating"?
Hell no, I am very sure they had reached physical cheating.

I would DIVORCE my wife if she did it to me. Without second thought.

Be strong and courageous.

Yes I have self respect. The first time he said they were just friends talked about work. Second time he stopped talking to her for a year.

Na Nach Oi! · Dec 21, 2016

I have some web references for you:

https://www.chumplady.com/

Divorce Minister - Taking Adultery Seriously

You have a legit reason to take a divorce. (Mt 5:32)

NeedyFollower · Dec 21, 2016

AyeAyeCaptainJack said:
C'mon Waiting,

Do you have some self-respect?

My advice is the MOST PRACTICAL to save your mental sanity. Seriously.

Plese try to think rationally this time: "Three years emotional cheating"?
Hell no, I am very sure they had reached physical cheating.

I would DIVORCE my wife if she did it to me. Without second thought.

Be strong and courageous.

miamited said:
Hi waiting,

What your husband did is wrong. I don't want you to think that anything I'm going to say is intended in anyway to minimize that.

For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

Forgive others, for in the same way that you forgive others, will your Father in heaven also forgive you.

These are two, I believe, truths of the Scriptures. Two of the commands and instructions that God, our Creator, have given those who desire to be His children to live by.

You say that you are waiting on God to answer...maybe He already has.

If we add these two truths to the fact that your husband did return to you...maybe He already has.

Finally, according to the Lord, the only way that a marriage vow can be dissolved, for the child of God, is through death. Just as the vow says, 'till death do we part'.

Yes, I know that it hurts. But pain, for the one who can forgive the wrongs of others, is always temporary. A good marriage is work. A life of two people living together will, with pretty sure certainty, run into times that things will go wrong.

I can tell you what God's will is for you. Wife, love your husband. God's will for you husband is that he love you.

My counsel is to have a good long sit down and discuss and ask him to reconfirm his commitment to you and to also discuss what steps each one of you can take, going forward, to make things aright again.

But remember this truth, loved one. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, but God, even though we are yet sinners, sent His Son to die in our place. That's real love. Are you capable of that kind of love for your husband?

Your commitment to God is that you will do everything in your power to strive to live according to His will for you. No matter what anyone else on the entire face of the earth does to or for you, God asks you, as His child, to live according to His commands and decrees. Can you do that? Will you do that?

God bless you, and welcome.
In Christ, Ted

Dear Sister ..I may by God's grace have some understanding on this that may be helpful. Before the Lord came and found me, I was much like your husband but even worse. I had no conscience against cheating , figured I would get a divorce one day anyway. By God's grace I became convicted and started praying and asking for the Lord to change me ...My prayer specifically was that I wanted to love my wife . The Lord's answer was that I did not love my wife, I loved myself. Even her happiness was about ME being happy ...my whole life was about me. What is best for ME , what is best for MY life. Well long story short, I repented to God through the mercy of Jesus Christ . It was God who I was cheating on ( as well as my wife ) It was God who I sinned against. And God was patient with me the whole time . Whether your husband physically committed the act, he has already committed adultery in his heart . As his help mate ( God has given you each other to watch for each others' souls ) please pray for him as he is in danger eternally . If you were in sin, what would you want Him to do ? It is not about you nor your husband because you are dead with Christ . If your husband needs to change jobs ( cutting off his hand or plucking out his eye ) to be away from this temptation , I think he should so that God's name not be blasphemed among unbelievers . Marriage is about God to show His faithfulness to His bride (though we often commit adultery with the world) Marriage is about demonstrating the "oneness of God " .....if you come to the point that you have to leave , leave for love's sake , for the sake of Jesus name ...do NOT do anything for your sake because you died with Jesus two thousand years ago .
Your brother in Christ

Na Nach Oi! · Dec 21, 2016

Waiting for answers said:
Yes I love him. He swears it never was physical.

Pretty lies. I don't believe in him if I were you.

Three years = only emotional cheating?
You must be kidding me.

Waiting for answers said:
Yes I have self respect. The first time he said they were just friends talked about work. Second time he stopped talking to her for a year.

You should investigate your husband.
Sneak in your husband's phone. Collect evidence for future purposes.

Don't forget to check yourself for STD, that's the most important thing if you suspect your spouse acting "weird".

NeedyFollower · Dec 21, 2016

AyeAyeCaptainJack said:
I have some web references for you:

https://www.chumplady.com/

Divorce Minister - Taking Adultery Seriously

You have a legit reason to take a divorce. (Mt 5:32)

If he is an adulterer she has a legit reason to have him stoned provided she is without sin. When explaining to the Jews who apparently hopped into and out of marriages for any reason , Jesus said except it be for fornication ..in other words , during the one year betrothal before the wedding night she were a fornicator ( she could not yet be an adulteress ) he could grant a divorce .

Waiting for answers · Dec 21, 2016

NeedyFollower said:
Dear Sister ..I may by God's grace have some understanding on this that may be helpful. Before the Lord came and found me, I was much like your husband but even worse. I had no conscience against cheating , figured I would get a divorce one day anyway. By God's grace I became convicted and started praying and asking for the Lord to change me ...My prayer specifically was that I wanted to love my wife . The Lord's answer was that I did not love my wife, I loved myself. Even her happiness was about ME being happy ...my whole life was about me. What is best for ME , what is best for MY life. Well long story short, I repented to God through the mercy of Jesus Christ . It was God who I was cheating on ( as well as my wife ) It was God who I sinned against. And God was patient with me the whole time . Whether your husband physically committed the act, he has already committed adultery in his heart . As his help mate ( God has given you each other to watch for each others' souls ) please pray for him as he is in danger eternally . If you were in sin, what would you want Him to do ? It is not about you nor your husband because you are dead with Christ . If your husband needs to change jobs ( cutting off his hand or plucking out his eye ) to be away from this temptation , I think he should so that God's name not be blasphemed among unbelievers . Marriage is about God to show His faithfulness to His bride (though we often commit adultery with the world) Marriage is about demonstrating the "oneness of God " .....if you come to the point that you have to leave , leave for love's sake , for the sake of Jesus name ...do NOT do anything for your sake because you died with Jesus two thousand years ago .
Your brother in Christ

He is very selfish too.

Waiting for answers · Dec 21, 2016

NeedyFollower said:
If he is an adulterer she has a legit reason to have him stoned provided she is without sin. When explaining to the Jews who apparently hopped into and out of marriages for any reason , Jesus said except it be for fornication ..in other words , during the one year betrothal before the wedding night she were a fornicator ( she could not yet be an adulteress ) he could grant a divorce .

Going to read.

Waiting for answers · Dec 21, 2016

AyeAyeCaptainJack said:
Pretty lies. I don't believe in him if I were you.

Three years = only emotional cheating?
You must be kidding me.

You should investigate your husband.
Sneak in your husband's phone. Collect evidence for future purposes.

Don't forget to check yourself for STD, that's the most important thing if you suspect your spouse acting "weird".

That’s how I caught him sneaking on his phone. Most texts were deleted. All I saw was them talking about loving each other. Her telling him to leave me. He was saying he would leave when the time was right and he didn't care about me at all.

Waiting for answers · Dec 21, 2016

EmmaCat said:
I will be praying for you. Have you thought about counseling?

By the way, welcome to CF!

Thanks. Yes I suggested counseling. This last time I caught him is only time he has agreed to go.

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