Issues in marriage

Fyvon · Nov 6, 2016

Let me start off by saying my husband and I have only been married for almost two years. Before I married him I thought of him as a great guy that would never do anything at all to hurt me. One day as he was searching the internet to show me something i realized he had been googling pictures of a inappropriate content star and that hurt me a lot but eventually he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again and everything went back to normal. Well, a few days ago we got new phones and I was moving the pictures from his old phone to my laptop and realized he had another picture of a naked woman on his phone which his brother had sent him. We argued about it but for the most part I cried because it hurts me when I see he does these things and he doesn't see it as a big deal. After looking today at his instagram page I realized he looks at a lot of nudity on there as well and full on searches for it to be able to see it. He says sorry but does it again, he basically is doing the whole what I don't know doesn't hurt me thing but every time I see these things they DO hurt me and I don't know how to even control my emotions. HELP!

Maddox · Nov 6, 2016

Around 80 percent of the adults watch inappropriate content at least once a month according to some studies. I would imagine the number for checking a nude picture is even higher.

Getting your marriage disturbed over the fact of few nude pics seems bit overreacting.

Considering the amount of sex related ads, entertainment and language in this case you really would make yourself a service by relaxing a bit on the issue.

As for controlling emotions daily dose of meditation usually helps.

dysert · Nov 6, 2016

He shouldn't be doing it. He needs the help more than you do.

Hotinco · Nov 6, 2016

inappropriate content addiction is a very real issue, he probably needs some help dealing with the issue. We see this often in counseling and you have ever right to be upset.

I would recommend marriage counseling along with individual counseling for him. I would also suggest he join a support group that will give him additional accountability.

ValleyGal · Nov 6, 2016

You need a firm boundary. Boundaries are about keeping out the bad and letting in the good. Inviting pictures of naked women into the marriage is not good. You both need to protect the marriage, and that includes protecting your thoughts you each bring in... thoughts and images of naked women is not protecting the marriage.

Let him know that you will not share your sexuality (if that is the boundary you want to set) with a third party - even if that third party is a picture of a naked woman. Ask him to be like Job, who made a covenant with his eyes to have eyes only for his wife.

What floors me is people who do things that they KNOW hurts their spouse. He knows it hurts you and he does it anyway.... that says to me there are actually more things going on in your marriage than just looking at naked women. The deeper message is that he is disregarding and disrespecting your feelings.

Fyvon · Nov 6, 2016

Thank you for understanding because according to some I'm overreacting. Honestly he makes me feel like I'm not good enough and that's why he looks at others, but I guess the real question is how do I make his brother stop all of this? I don't have a very good relationship with him and all of this just makes it worse.

ValleyGal said:
You need a firm boundary. Boundaries are about keeping out the bad and letting in the good. Inviting pictures of naked women into the marriage is not good. You both need to protect the marriage, and that includes protecting your thoughts you each bring in... thoughts and images of naked women is not protecting the marriage.

Let him know that you will not share your sexuality (if that is the boundary you want to set) with a third party - even if that third party is a picture of a naked woman. Ask him to be like Job, who made a covenant with his eyes to have eyes only for his wife.

What floors me is people who do things that they KNOW hurts their spouse. He knows it hurts you and he does it anyway.... that says to me there are actually more things going on in your marriage than just looking at naked women. The deeper message is that he is disregarding and disrespecting your feelings.

ank

ValleyGal · Nov 6, 2016

Fyvon said:
Thank you for understanding because according to some I'm overreacting. Honestly he makes me feel like I'm not good enough and that's why he looks at others, but I guess the real question is how do I make his brother stop all of this? I don't have a very good relationship with him and all of this just makes it worse.

ank

The thing is, you can't make his brother stop, and you can't make your husband stop accepting them. You can only change how you respond to what he is doing. What I said when this happened to me was "you can look at pictures of naked women all you want, but I will respond by not having sex with a spouse who envisions sex with someone else." I had married a boundary-less man and ended up taking a beating for what I said, which led to a very fast divorce. You need to figure out how you are going to respond to his looking at pictures of naked women, and then let him know the natural or logical consequences that will result. He can still have the choice, as long as you are both willing to live with how you are going to respond. Does that help?

Fyvon · Nov 7, 2016

Hotinco said:
inappropriate content addiction is a very real issue, he probably needs some help dealing with the issue. We see this often in counseling and you have ever right to be upset.

I would recommend marriage counseling along with individual counseling for him. I would also suggest he join a support group that will give him additional accountability.

Thank you!!!

Berner27 · Nov 8, 2016

Fyvon said:
Thank you for understanding because according to some I'm overreacting. Honestly he makes me feel like I'm not good enough and that's why he looks at others, but I guess the real question is how do I make his brother stop all of this? I don't have a very good relationship with him and all of this just makes it worse.
ank

First, let me say I am sorry to hear that you have to deal with this issue. It totally sucks. That really is all there is to it. I would echo Valley's comments in that all you can control, really, is your side of the equation. It is not okay for you and you are committed to stopping the behavior and making it better. In my experience... that is the only place you can stat - though it is a long road. Also, if I may, my sense is that his actions are really within him... and not you. I know that it is inevitable or natural to put these things on yourself... that is what good people do. But, at the end of the day, it is on him and his issues. This doesn't make it okay... see valleys comments about boundaries. It just means you can let yourself off the hook a little. You can work together to fix the issue(s) but you really don't need to take joint blame. Good luck!

tall73 · Nov 8, 2016

Fyvon said:
Thank you for understanding because according to some I'm overreacting.

You are not overreacting.

Mat 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'
Mat 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Mat 5:29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.
Mat 5:30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.

1Th 4:3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality;
1Th 4:4 that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor,
1Th 4:5 not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;
1Th 4:6 that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you.
1Th 4:7 For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.
1Th 4:8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.

Honestly he makes me feel like I'm not good enough and that's why he looks at others

It is understandable that you would feel that way. Unless he has actually criticized the way you look it is probably not accurate, however. Studies on inappropriate content addiction note that part of the addiction is the readily available number of partners with novel characteristics and in novel situations. To put it another way, the variety itself is part of what keeps men looking at inappropriate content. He doesn't stay with one picture because he gets bored with it. It doesn't mean that last person he looked at a picture of is not attractive. Nor does it mean you are not attractive.

The problem is he is desensitizing himself to each image, and according to some studies, is actually changing the way his dopamine response and brain chemistry works.

You may want to point out to him that a number of studies recently have correlated inappropriate content usage (which is what this is, whether it is on social media or google search, etc.) with erectile dysfunction. Over time sufficient arousal cannot be attained. And the system is not designed to continually look at new and attractive mates, as inappropriate content allows for.

If he were to break off looking at pictures he could focus on actual sex with you his spouse and find enjoyment in that. Over time the negative brain impacts of inappropriate content watching decline.

Spiritually the issue is that he is allowing his sinful nature to lead him rather than the Spirit of God.

, but I guess the real question is how do I make his brother stop all of this? I don't have a very good relationship with him and all of this just makes it worse.

ank

Once your husband has come to a change of heart he can simply ask his brother not to send him such images. This in itself will set up a conversation that could allow your husband to share his reasons, giving his brother something to think about.

Of course, it is important not to do this until your husband is having an actual change of heart, otherwise the reason might be "because she made me".

tall73 · Nov 8, 2016

The fact that he is looking on instagram or google, instead of on actual inappropriate content sites is probably a good thing. It likely means he hasn't decided to go onto full fledged inappropriate content sites, which eventually most wind up doing in order to find more novel material.

Your husband likely does feel guilty about it, but is going to have a hard time expressing that to you, because he knows he is hurting you, but still gets drawn to it.

If he is a Christian I would start by discussing with him the Scriptures from my first post and challenge him that it is not just an innocent activity, it is adultery, and a sin against the Spirit and he needs to turn away from it.

You may also want to read the following:

Gal 5:16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
Gal 5:17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.
Gal 5:18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
Gal 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
Gal 5:20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,
Gal 5:21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Gal 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
Gal 5:23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Gal 5:24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Gal 5:25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.

While your quite natural response is to feel revulsion at what your husband did and is doing, and you do need to actually communicate that to him to help motivate him, be sure also to keep in mind that the marriage has been good to this point. It can be again. He needs to break this off for his own spiritual life and for your marriage.

If you really want to see change there will have to be a time where you work together to build trust and he is willing to be accountable to you in this regard. This may mean allowing you to check his phone, etc.

On the other hand, you will want to take more time together to to do activities, go on dates, etc. to rebuild the emotional aspects of the marriage.

This may feel forced at first if you are deeply hurt, but you can reconnect especially as he starts to show actual change in behavior.

Gwen-is-new! · Nov 8, 2016

I can't imagine how hard this must be - I am praying for you and him. Please seek help - A ministry that I listen to called "New Life" offers a lot of resources/workshops for this. If your husband is truly sorry, he should be open to getting help and accountability. Please see these:

https://newlife.com/workshops/women-in-the-battle-workshop/
http://newlife.com/workshops/every-mans-battle/

People in the world WILL tell you it's okay, and that it's natural, or even healthy sexuality.. but as Christians we are not conformed to the world's way of thinking, so you will be getting radically different perspectives and advice concerning this.

Is your husband a Christian (sorry if you already stated)?

Fyvon · Nov 28, 2016

tall73 said:
The fact that he is looking on instagram or google, instead of on actual inappropriate content sites is probably a good thing. It likely means he hasn't decided to go onto full fledged inappropriate content sites, which eventually most wind up doing in order to find more novel material.

Your husband likely does feel guilty about it, but is going to have a hard time expressing that to you, because he knows he is hurting you, but still gets drawn to it.

If he is a Christian I would start by discussing with him the Scriptures from my first post and challenge him that it is not just an innocent activity, it is adultery, and a sin against the Spirit and he needs to turn away from it.

You may also want to read the following:

Gal 5:16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
Gal 5:17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.
Gal 5:18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
Gal 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
Gal 5:20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,
Gal 5:21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Gal 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
Gal 5:23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Gal 5:24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Gal 5:25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.

While your quite natural response is to feel revulsion at what your husband did and is doing, and you do need to actually communicate that to him to help motivate him, be sure also to keep in mind that the marriage has been good to this point. It can be again. He needs to break this off for his own spiritual life and for your marriage.

If you really want to see change there will have to be a time where you work together to build trust and he is willing to be accountable to you in this regard. This may mean allowing you to check his phone, etc.

On the other hand, you will want to take more time together to to do activities, go on dates, etc. to rebuild the emotional aspects of the marriage.

This may feel forced at first if you are deeply hurt, but you can reconnect especially as he starts to show actual change in behavior.

Thank you! I love your response it's like someone is actually taking the time to respond to my issue! I do feel like we need more alone time, we have a one year old which I absolutely adore but we haven't done anything on our own since we had her. Sometimes this makes me feel like that is the reason why these things happen. I try to talk to him as much as I can about it but quite frankly I don't think he cares enough. I've told him how it makes me feel and each time my emotions take over, actually the first time I actually caught him he said sorry I won't do it again. He seemed to hurt about hurting me, I truly thought he was being honest until he did it again. Just a few days ago I looked at his iPod again which was just laying there and he had all that stuff in his search history on instagram. When I asked him about whether he looked that stuff up or not he denied everything and said he never does that even though I saw it with my own eyes. I have had other chances to look to see if he is still looking but I prefer not to simply because every time I do it automatically ruins my day and I just think about it 24/7. I honestly feel like every time I bring it up he thinks "Ughhh here she goes again!"

Fyvon · Nov 28, 2016

Gwen-is-new! said:
I can't imagine how hard this must be - I am praying for you and him. Please seek help - A ministry that I listen to called "New Life" offers a lot of resources/workshops for this. If your husband is truly sorry, he should be open to getting help and accountability. Please see these:

https://newlife.com/workshops/women-in-the-battle-workshop/
http://newlife.com/workshops/every-mans-battle/

People in the world WILL tell you it's okay, and that it's natural, or even healthy sexuality.. but as Christians we are not conformed to the world's way of thinking, so you will be getting radically different perspectives and advice concerning this.

Is your husband a Christian (sorry if you already stated)?

Trust me it is sooo hard

my mom has gone through so many things in her marriage and every time I talk to her about what is going on she tells me "men are like that, there's nothing you can do. He will never change no matter what you do. You just have to accept it." That kills me each time she says it. I don't want to accept it because it hurts so so bad. My husband is a Christian but I feel like he's closer to god now that we are married I take him to church as much as I can and we pray together.

LinkH · Nov 29, 2016

Fyvon,

I'm sorry to hear about this. Is he a believer? If he is not, it is going to be difficult to convince him not to look at inappropriate content. Maybe you could find a book or study that shows that inappropriate content is harmful to try to convince him.

Don't be surprised if he doesn't see this as harmful to you, either. A lot of men don't see the connection. They look at pictures because they enjoy it and don't think it takes anything from their wife or marriage. I've noticed in recent years commedians will make references to things in inappropriate contentographic films and everyone in the audience seems to know what they are talking about. To me, that's weird, and it speaks badly of (US) society. I first noticed it when someone, during a previous election, made reference to Sarah Palin looking like a school teacher out of a inappropriate content movie. Apparently, that's some genre of inappropriate content or there is a specific movie like that. I hear other references to inappropriate content. It's like watching inappropriate content is socially acceptable and treated as a normal thing. So many unbelievers will think it is no big deal.

If he's a Christian, though, he should realize it is wrong to look at a woman in order to lust after her.

If he's addicted to inappropriate content, he does it because he enjoys it. Maybe he gets a kind of emotional buzz that is addictive. So if he's lonely, in emotional pain, or just bored, he may turn to inappropriate content, or he may just look because he likes it.

There are posters on these forums who say to get a divorce over inappropriate content. I don't agree. It is adultery in the heart to look at a woman in order to lust after her. But marriage is of the body, two shall be one flesh. The Lord looks on the heart. Plenty of things can send someone to Hell that shouldn't end a marriage. Paul told the one married to an unbeliever not to depart if the unbeliever was willing to dwell with the believer. Those unbelievers were worshipping idols, which is arguable worse than looking at a Playboy magazine. In the Old Testament God did not command a death sentence for looking at someone naked or even for unmarrieds engaging in prostitution, but He did for idolatry. Actually physically committing adultery had a death penalty (assuming witnesses, etc.), but coveting, which is what looking with lust is, did not.

Paul would have had the believer stay with the unbeliever, but Corinth was probably a pretty wicked city, and it was likely unbelievers could see some dirty and raunchy things back then.

Anyway, my point is if your husband is an unbeliever, you can't fight over everything. maybe you could point him to some sources about the dangers of inappropriate content. If he is a believer, he should be living to a much higher standard.

LinkH · Nov 29, 2016

Sorry, somehow missed the last message or it came in as I am typing. It doesn't look like it from the date, but I am in a very different time zone.

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