The Ever Present Mother

Earlier this year, my mother (who is a middle aged widow) moved very close to me. I advised against it, and encouraged her instead to remain where she is already established and consider getting a part time job or pursuing her hobbies. But obviously I couldn't stop her. So that happened.

Now I feel like she is always here. I like my mom in moderation, but I do not enjoy her constant presence. I find her to be boring, overbearing, and kind of a pest. I like the freedom to do what I want with my day, rather than entertaining company for hours. I like to listen to my music, work out, tidy up and make phone calls on a whim. She complains about my music, or wants to talk all the time. She talks about things that annoy me. She does not like to work out. I have invited her to take walks with me or go swimming, but she never feels like it. Not even once! So instead she just sits on my sofa, playing on her phone, while I work out. I don't really like that... someone just hanging around my house, "waiting" for me. She listens to all my phone calls and interrogates me about them, even though many are private and I just want left alone about them. She constantly tries to "tidy up" in her way, but she is a hoarder and just makes everything disorganized. She does it even though I tell her not to, because she thinks it's helpful. When I explain that I really truly hate it, she just stops that particular endeavor and tidies up some other way which I also hate.

But I get it. That's what families do. They just chill out and enjoy having people around them. That's what our family does. And she doesn't have family any more. Her children are grown and her husband is gone. So I understand why she wants to kind of join our family. But I don't want her! How do I reconcile this??

I agree with that piece, I just don't know how it applies now. My husband and I had this battle years ago, at the beginning of our marriage. It required a lot of firmness and even some harshness, to remove her from our family affairs. She tried to control everything, buy things we didn't ask for and demand how we run our household, stored stuff (lots of it) at our place, etc. There was a lot of anger and hurt feeling from her, but once she recognized boundaries, she stopped. Later she resorted to playing the hurt feelings card, but stopped that also when we quit reacting to it.

Things are different now. Back then she had a husband and some children still at home. Now she is all alone, and she is also more broken because of it. She is less "bossy" and more "needy." My husband told me I need to be gentler with her now, and that we need to relax some of those boundaries. And I understand him and love his compassion, but at the same time I loved my family the way it was and I don't want to change things!

Now my children come home and she shushes them. I have to remind her that this is their home, not a movie theatre. Kids are noisy, and we are okay with that here (within reason). She chastises them for interrupting adult conversations. Well, they used to be able to talk to their parents, and now Grandma is hogging their parents, and so they can either interrupt or forfeit family time. My mom doesn't think about these things. She also interrupts the kids when they are articulating a problem, and barks out a simplistic solution before they are even done talking about it. This is how she raised us, because she is a simple person and a very judgmental person, and she thinks she's welcome to do it to my children. When I explain that we need to hear the whole story first (because it is good for kids to articulate themselves and be heard), and that we want to encourage them to make their own solutions, she just doesn't get it. When I oblige her and discuss our parenting strategies, she gets defensive. She also likes to make value statements about other people, to my kids. "Sally is bad. Just stay away from her!" She has very much forgotten what it means to be a kid, and how minor conflicts are just part of growing up. They aren't deal breakers at that age! She's so polarized, and pushes the kids to be polarized, and since she stays for hours and hours, I have little opportunity to reflect on Grandma's perspective with the kids, except in front of her. And that's awkward.

She will show up uninvited, and when we say it's a bad time, she will insist on needing to use the restroom right away. Then she makes her rounds to say goodbye, and drags it out, and sometimes it is an hour before she is gone. And we are often on a schedule in terms of homework and dinner, so it is inconvenient. If I
lock the door, she will ring the door bell until the baby wakes from his nap. I leave it unlocked during naptime, and she just comes on in without asking! It's not
every day, but when it happens, I feel like I lost my whole day. (She has no concept of time any more.)

What can I do? Tell her to stay home and be lonely? I can't change her personality. She has friends and a church (not my church), but they are not as close now. And it would be hard for her to make new friends because she is kind of disconnected from society and forgets how to act. We children try to "take turns" with her. I guess I just don't want my turn. It is selfish. I don't want to grow up to be the lonely widow no one wants. Hmm.

Scheduled visits are probably what we need. I have dabbled with that idea, but I'm still working on being consistent. It does her good to be invited. I can tell it means a lot to her when I initiate it, but I get busy and feel like I don't have time to arrange something "special," you know? I don't want to invite her over to end up watching me do dishes. That just encourages the "stay forever" kind of rut we're getting.

It would be easier if our interests aligned. The only "activities" she likes are crafting, and last time I allowed that at my house, I got stuck storing large totes of craft supplies in my living room and having half-finished projects all over the dining room table. She wanted to just leave them there and work on them a little more every day... for years if I hadn't put a stop to it after a week.

She can't volunteer because she doesn't like needy people or kids, unless they're her own kids or grandkids. She does babysit for me when I volunteer. She has no interest in joining me... I tried. She never worked and had a very comfortable life with my dad, and still does (sans family), so there's no automatic connections to people. I think she'd be happier if there was, but we haven't convinced her yet...

Velvetyrabbit said:

If your mom is anything like mine, she will start crying, make you feel sorry for her and you end up being the one to apologize.

Click to expand...

Yes, this is the dynamic I get. Any gentle pressure I try to exert to let her know she needs to leave results with her storming off and accusing me of wanting to get rid of her. Like... why can't she just leave on good terms?

A similar reaction occurs when I gently criticize how she has treated someone. She says I'm just out to get her. No, actually, I want her to have friends so I discourage her from saying rude things in mixed company. It's not meant as an attack on her, but a way of looking out for her.

Good luck to you. It's definitely a balancing act of being loving and supportive of family while maintaining boundaries.