Most girls dream of walking down the aisle one day, with their family and loved ones around them but I sadly dread this day.
To sum it up, my family is toxic. They leach off others, they hurt and abuse and they have never provided a loving environment in the 24 years of my life. Because of this, I have put off marrying my boyfriend of 8 years. When I get married I don’t want them to be there. I do care about my family simply because they are my blood and I know I can’t tell them they would not be invited if the day comes as it might hurt them.
For the last few years, I’ve felt that my only solution is to never get married or to run away and get married without anyone attending, which is devastating to my partner as he has a lovely family and we both want them to be with us. His family gave me a lovely home and supported me as if i was their own and i wish for them to be apart of that day.
My family attended my sister’s wedding (She regrets this now) and everything horrible she thought would happened, did. Which is why I know I can’t just suck it up and deal with them being there. They will talk about how it’s a waste of money, how I could give that to them or how marriage is stupid and I’m brainwashed and useless to be doing it. They will mock my religion and beliefs as they do every Christmas I go to see them.
They would fight with people, they would cause drama and they would do everything in their power to ruin the day.
I have no idea what to do or how to do it. My oldest brother was a great sibling, he was like a father to me and I’d want him to walk me down the aisle if I was able to have him attend… but having him attend would mean my family would know I didn’t invite them and that in itself would cause issues.
How do I get married and be around the people I love without inviting the other half of my family and without hurting their feelings?
If you wanted to know why I feel this way below is a little of my family history.
My family is not a family. I grew up in a family with 4 other siblings. 3 of my siblings are half siblings from my mothers previous relationships. They are/were 10years+ older than me, Tim, Skylar and Nathan (Nathan sadly committed suicide a few years ago) and then there’s my brother John, 3 years older than myself.
My parents did not love each other and instead of leaving one another they took to finding ways to punish one another, which would have a major negative impact on us all.
My mother refused to raise or take care of us, she wouldn’t cook or clean or help out around the house and she refused to get a job to help pay bills. My siblings and I would go to school on our own, in dirty clothing, with no food and she would go out with friends.
My father’s way of dealing with this was to leave work at the age 30 and do the same thing as her. They were competing to be useless as they didn’t want to benefit or help one other and preferred suffering just to see the other one suffer.
My mother was raised in a really bad orphanage in the 1950s, so she didn’t know how to be a mother. She was rude and jealous of all her children. If we won awards she wouldn’t congratulate us, but instead make a rude comment and say it wasn’t a big deal. She drove my older sister to anorexia constantly telling her she’s “solid” or a “large girl” despite her being underweight most her life and she would do the same to me. When I was 6 she told me I would need to get a nose job or no one would love me. She would also make fun of Nathans freckles saying it’s skin damage and they’re ugly just like him.
My father constantly got himself into debt and would make everyone pay for it. He’d buy himself alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. He’d also waste money on the latest technology and break it in a withdrawal rage spending thousands on himself every month then would rack up his credit card debts and claim he really spent $1000 on last week’s grocery’s (there was never food in the house unless my other siblings bought it) then demand we pay the bills despite none of us ever using his credit card.
In 2007 my grandmother paid off all his debts (38grand at the time) to try and get the family together again and he somehow in a year managed to get back into debt and max out his card all on his own buying drugs. In 2009 he had a heart attack and then a major stroke and was in hospital for 8 months. During this time all my siblings had his credit card meaning he was unable to purchase drugs and we all paid off his debt. As soon as he was home he got back into debt again on his own back up to 40grand, 18 months later.
My sister Skylar moved out with her boyfriend at 22 and my father demanded she pay him 30grand as that’s how much he figured it cost him to raise her. She refused so he spent years stalking and abusing them, telling family friends lies about them to tarnish her name and alienate her. Even so she still forgave them and still talks to them from a great distance (She had to move to Australia to get away from him).
My oldest brother Tim left at 25 for a job in Australia, in which my dad started telling him he was $50grand in debt and if my brother didn’t continue to send half his pay check we’d all die on the streets and it would be my brothers fault. My brother spend the next 10 years paying him half his wages until he got married 1 year ago and his wife stepped in, stopping the payments. They also left the country to get away from our parents. When family friends asked about this my father would tell them that my brother was a gambling addict and it was better having his pay check go to them instead of to gambling (which was a lie).
My bother Nathan was abused for years and due to both my parents having no social skills and not knowing how to raise a child with autism. When he had mental breakdowns, rather than talking to him or calming him down they would scream and yell at him, abuse him and egg him on. When my father had his stroke he blamed it on my brothers saying it's their fault he had a stroke, blaming their autism and aspergers. He would tell Nathan and John daily that they're the reason he had the stroke and now has speech problems. Nathan took it to heart. My siblings blame our parents for his death.
My brother John also has autism and Asperger’s and we are all scared something might happen to him too if he doesn’t leave the house. He doesn’t want to move in with any of us but every time I’ve had contact with him he’s been in a bad way mentally. My sister says she can’t see a future for him living in that house as she’s scared he will kill himself if he doesn’t leave. I helped him join a church group which was helping him cope and learn social skills. My father made him stop going to it as he doesn’t believe in god, despite the church group having an amazing impact on him and helping him.
I’m the youngest of our family and officially moved out a few years ago unable to live with constant abuse in the house and all of my income going to my drug addict father. At 17 I thankfully met my BF who I’m still with 8 years later. I spent most my university years at his house as my parents would not let me study. They would guilt trip me telling me to leave university to work more hours to give them more money, yet I didn’t even live with them. My brother John built me a PC to do homework on and my father constantly stole parts from it. I owned nothing at my parents house the entire time I lived there. I traveled around the world in 2014 to celebrate finishing my degree. My father went around telling people that I was living it up, while he sits in rags and I’m a horrible selfish person for doing so. These are the lies he tells people to justify constantly taking from us all.
Most parents want the best for their kids, they work hard, they buy a house, they send them to school in hopes they will have a brighter future. My parents wanted us to leave school and work minimum wage to pay for their addictions and wants. They never worked, they lived in government housing and lived off welfare most their lives. They never celebrated our birthdays or Christmas, yet I see them every year on father’s day, mother’s day, Easter, Christmas and on their birthdays.
The last few years my mother has realized she has no money, no possessions and that now at 70 she will need to start looking for a place to live since my father will not take care of her. She has started contacting all of us, asking what our houses are like and trying to befriend us after all those years of abuse but I refuse to let her into my new life as I can’t have her destroy my safe place the only thing they haven’t been able to touch.
The negative impact my parents left on us has led to none of my siblings wanting to ever have children. I am also scared to have children in case I’m not good enough as a parent.
I’ve never confronted my parents about how horrible they were. How can you? I have been told that my best option is to do the Christian thing and to treat them the way I’d like to be treated and to forgive them. I can forgive them and still not let them into my life. It will take me time though, and i just don’t know how to explain to them why I don’t want them to be a part of my life as I feel that telling them will only lead to more pain.
To sum it up, my family is toxic. They leach off others, they hurt and abuse and they have never provided a loving environment in the 24 years of my life. Because of this, I have put off marrying my boyfriend of 8 years. When I get married I don’t want them to be there. I do care about my family simply because they are my blood and I know I can’t tell them they would not be invited if the day comes as it might hurt them.
For the last few years, I’ve felt that my only solution is to never get married or to run away and get married without anyone attending, which is devastating to my partner as he has a lovely family and we both want them to be with us. His family gave me a lovely home and supported me as if i was their own and i wish for them to be apart of that day.
My family attended my sister’s wedding (She regrets this now) and everything horrible she thought would happened, did. Which is why I know I can’t just suck it up and deal with them being there. They will talk about how it’s a waste of money, how I could give that to them or how marriage is stupid and I’m brainwashed and useless to be doing it. They will mock my religion and beliefs as they do every Christmas I go to see them.
They would fight with people, they would cause drama and they would do everything in their power to ruin the day.
I have no idea what to do or how to do it. My oldest brother was a great sibling, he was like a father to me and I’d want him to walk me down the aisle if I was able to have him attend… but having him attend would mean my family would know I didn’t invite them and that in itself would cause issues.
How do I get married and be around the people I love without inviting the other half of my family and without hurting their feelings?
If you wanted to know why I feel this way below is a little of my family history.
My family is not a family. I grew up in a family with 4 other siblings. 3 of my siblings are half siblings from my mothers previous relationships. They are/were 10years+ older than me, Tim, Skylar and Nathan (Nathan sadly committed suicide a few years ago) and then there’s my brother John, 3 years older than myself.
My parents did not love each other and instead of leaving one another they took to finding ways to punish one another, which would have a major negative impact on us all.
My mother refused to raise or take care of us, she wouldn’t cook or clean or help out around the house and she refused to get a job to help pay bills. My siblings and I would go to school on our own, in dirty clothing, with no food and she would go out with friends.
My father’s way of dealing with this was to leave work at the age 30 and do the same thing as her. They were competing to be useless as they didn’t want to benefit or help one other and preferred suffering just to see the other one suffer.
My mother was raised in a really bad orphanage in the 1950s, so she didn’t know how to be a mother. She was rude and jealous of all her children. If we won awards she wouldn’t congratulate us, but instead make a rude comment and say it wasn’t a big deal. She drove my older sister to anorexia constantly telling her she’s “solid” or a “large girl” despite her being underweight most her life and she would do the same to me. When I was 6 she told me I would need to get a nose job or no one would love me. She would also make fun of Nathans freckles saying it’s skin damage and they’re ugly just like him.
My father constantly got himself into debt and would make everyone pay for it. He’d buy himself alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. He’d also waste money on the latest technology and break it in a withdrawal rage spending thousands on himself every month then would rack up his credit card debts and claim he really spent $1000 on last week’s grocery’s (there was never food in the house unless my other siblings bought it) then demand we pay the bills despite none of us ever using his credit card.
In 2007 my grandmother paid off all his debts (38grand at the time) to try and get the family together again and he somehow in a year managed to get back into debt and max out his card all on his own buying drugs. In 2009 he had a heart attack and then a major stroke and was in hospital for 8 months. During this time all my siblings had his credit card meaning he was unable to purchase drugs and we all paid off his debt. As soon as he was home he got back into debt again on his own back up to 40grand, 18 months later.
My sister Skylar moved out with her boyfriend at 22 and my father demanded she pay him 30grand as that’s how much he figured it cost him to raise her. She refused so he spent years stalking and abusing them, telling family friends lies about them to tarnish her name and alienate her. Even so she still forgave them and still talks to them from a great distance (She had to move to Australia to get away from him).
My oldest brother Tim left at 25 for a job in Australia, in which my dad started telling him he was $50grand in debt and if my brother didn’t continue to send half his pay check we’d all die on the streets and it would be my brothers fault. My brother spend the next 10 years paying him half his wages until he got married 1 year ago and his wife stepped in, stopping the payments. They also left the country to get away from our parents. When family friends asked about this my father would tell them that my brother was a gambling addict and it was better having his pay check go to them instead of to gambling (which was a lie).
My bother Nathan was abused for years and due to both my parents having no social skills and not knowing how to raise a child with autism. When he had mental breakdowns, rather than talking to him or calming him down they would scream and yell at him, abuse him and egg him on. When my father had his stroke he blamed it on my brothers saying it's their fault he had a stroke, blaming their autism and aspergers. He would tell Nathan and John daily that they're the reason he had the stroke and now has speech problems. Nathan took it to heart. My siblings blame our parents for his death.
My brother John also has autism and Asperger’s and we are all scared something might happen to him too if he doesn’t leave the house. He doesn’t want to move in with any of us but every time I’ve had contact with him he’s been in a bad way mentally. My sister says she can’t see a future for him living in that house as she’s scared he will kill himself if he doesn’t leave. I helped him join a church group which was helping him cope and learn social skills. My father made him stop going to it as he doesn’t believe in god, despite the church group having an amazing impact on him and helping him.
I’m the youngest of our family and officially moved out a few years ago unable to live with constant abuse in the house and all of my income going to my drug addict father. At 17 I thankfully met my BF who I’m still with 8 years later. I spent most my university years at his house as my parents would not let me study. They would guilt trip me telling me to leave university to work more hours to give them more money, yet I didn’t even live with them. My brother John built me a PC to do homework on and my father constantly stole parts from it. I owned nothing at my parents house the entire time I lived there. I traveled around the world in 2014 to celebrate finishing my degree. My father went around telling people that I was living it up, while he sits in rags and I’m a horrible selfish person for doing so. These are the lies he tells people to justify constantly taking from us all.
Most parents want the best for their kids, they work hard, they buy a house, they send them to school in hopes they will have a brighter future. My parents wanted us to leave school and work minimum wage to pay for their addictions and wants. They never worked, they lived in government housing and lived off welfare most their lives. They never celebrated our birthdays or Christmas, yet I see them every year on father’s day, mother’s day, Easter, Christmas and on their birthdays.
The last few years my mother has realized she has no money, no possessions and that now at 70 she will need to start looking for a place to live since my father will not take care of her. She has started contacting all of us, asking what our houses are like and trying to befriend us after all those years of abuse but I refuse to let her into my new life as I can’t have her destroy my safe place the only thing they haven’t been able to touch.
The negative impact my parents left on us has led to none of my siblings wanting to ever have children. I am also scared to have children in case I’m not good enough as a parent.
I’ve never confronted my parents about how horrible they were. How can you? I have been told that my best option is to do the Christian thing and to treat them the way I’d like to be treated and to forgive them. I can forgive them and still not let them into my life. It will take me time though, and i just don’t know how to explain to them why I don’t want them to be a part of my life as I feel that telling them will only lead to more pain.
- I hope u have a happy life
