I don't know what to do for myself anymore regarding the intrusive thoughts. Daily, I try to meditate on scripture but still it's like I bounce from one obsession to another. I haven't read the bible in a while because even that was triggering. I've been trying to listen to sermons instead. But sometimes doing that makes me anxious too. I tried listening to a sermon earlier and that's what happened. It was encouraging actually that talked about how righteousness was a gift from God.
Romans 5
17 For if, because of one man’s trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ. 18 Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. 19 For as by the one man’s disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man’s obedience the many will be made righteous. 20 Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more,21 so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Basically the sermon was all how about how knowing who you are in Christ can free you from and sin and bad habits. It mentioned a guy who got delivered from a smoking addiction by letting go of condemnation and resting in God's righteousness. Nothing scary about that, right? The intrusive thought I have usually focus on the moral side of things so I avoid the news. Anyway, immediately after that I was plagued with awful thoughts of, "What if people are using God's righteousness to do horrible things? Like steal, cheat, or hurt people? Can a Christian do horrific things like murder and still call themselves righteous?"
This bothered me so bad and I cried all morning. I don't understand it and I feel so confused. I've had harm related intrusive thoughts and I never want to hurt anyone. Honestly, I don't know what do. I'm too scared to talk to anyone in my family about this. We don't even have the same religious beliefs. I'm lost and I feel like a crazy person because none of these thoughts make any sense.
Romans 5
17 For if, because of one man’s trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ. 18 Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. 19 For as by the one man’s disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man’s obedience the many will be made righteous. 20 Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more,21 so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Basically the sermon was all how about how knowing who you are in Christ can free you from and sin and bad habits. It mentioned a guy who got delivered from a smoking addiction by letting go of condemnation and resting in God's righteousness. Nothing scary about that, right? The intrusive thought I have usually focus on the moral side of things so I avoid the news. Anyway, immediately after that I was plagued with awful thoughts of, "What if people are using God's righteousness to do horrible things? Like steal, cheat, or hurt people? Can a Christian do horrific things like murder and still call themselves righteous?"
This bothered me so bad and I cried all morning. I don't understand it and I feel so confused. I've had harm related intrusive thoughts and I never want to hurt anyone. Honestly, I don't know what do. I'm too scared to talk to anyone in my family about this. We don't even have the same religious beliefs. I'm lost and I feel like a crazy person because none of these thoughts make any sense.
And yes, I did pray, I read God's word, I asked Himn to hold my hand through all this because quite frankly, I'm not strong enough to handle it myself, even though I'm 6' 3" and weigh 300lbs (although I'm working on the weight thing too). That's my advice. And, as my therapist said, if something isn't working, move onto the next thing (see list above again to possibly get started). And lastly, it takes time! BE PATIENT!
