I like a guy, and I already have a fiance

True Blu

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The first guy who asked me out senior year I originally said no to. We knew each other about two years prior and had art class together. He wasn't attractive or anything but was a social butterfly. He was a little overweight, desperately needed a haircut, and had a long nose. We were friends, but I didn't want to be with him. Until about a month or so afterwards when I said yes to going out with him.

This is actually a very complex and long story that I'll do my best to sum up.

This guy really, I mean, REALLY loves me. He's obsessive and clingy. Honestly, I think it's unhealthy for him. But he's not a Christian. That was my biggest turn off. I wanted to date one guy who I'd hopefully be with for the rest of my life. And dating an agnostic hurt my family's feelings and I ended up compromising lots of things I believed in. He said since he's met me he's become a Christian, but neither of us really act like it.

I made it to a Christian college finally. Scared him to death. He had us secretly engaged before I left to keep me from falling for anyone else.

A month into college, he was so traumatized and crushed he broke up with me, threw my ring into a river, and deleted all the pictures of me. It hurt me so much, and I cried and cried. I called him back and begged him not to leave me. And after a couple hours, he came to his senses and broke down crying too.

He doesn't trust me at all. He's always wanting to know what I'm currently doing, who I'm with, any guys? Better be no guys. I'm an engineer, there's only three girls in my class, I can't help being around guys. Anyways-

The other guy.

First day on the job as a custodian. There was this ginger. It wasn't crush at first sight or anything like that. We were able to talk a lot while working, and he was very philosophical and deep, and I admired that. He told me about his hobby as a poet and about growing up in church. We bounced jokes off each other and goofed off a lot. He seemed nice.

One day, after work, we went to the football homecoming game. He offered me his jacket since I was freezing (even though I said no a dozen times, he insisted, and I caved). After the game, which we barely lost, we walked back. I thought he would go back to his dorm, but he followed me to mine. I showed him around the co-ed floor rather than going to my room. He got a kick out of that. Then he offered to show me this trail. We went on a walk and talked more.

At one point, a very deep subject came up about his life. It moved me to tell him my experience. It got very personal and he had his arm around me rubbing my shoulder and back comforting me. If I was single, this would have been the most wonderful and romantic thing in the world. But, I'm not. All I could think about was how my fiancé would kill me. And I was so sorry.

At the same time, this other guy was great. He made me think deeper about life, nature, God, encouraged my faith, I loved it. In fact, I became more diligent in reading the bible. We're even going to chapel now together.

But I can't... He's great. He's what I've always dreamed about in a good Christian guy. He loves Jesus and... Just that alone makes my heart melt! And my fiancé is just complacent... Sitting at home all day, no job, no plan, fixated on knowing what I'm doing. He's not mature. We weren't ready for a relationship. We were stupid, irrational teenagers.

I've been praying like crazy about this. Any thoughts? I refuse to cheat on anyone. That's out of the question. But... I can't break up with my fiancé. There's other things bothering me about that. He actually wants me to quit college and move in with his parents and him. Haha no. I love him, but... What if I made a mistake? What if I dated him for the wrong reasons and rushed before God's time?

Even if it's not this other guy, I suppose I should've waited. Any thoughts?
 

dysert

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It sounds to me that you indeed should have waited. And I'd also add that you *are* single, despite what you may feel. You're not married to the first guy, and my advice is that you not get married to the first guy. It's clear from what you wrote that the two of you aren't compatible on any level, and getting married just because you're currently engaged would be a mistake. Engagements, at least in the US, indicate your intention to marry but it's certainly no "contract" to do so. As you've grown and had other experiences it has become clear to you that the first guy isn't who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't make the mistake of marrying him just because you're engaged.

I know it will be very painful for both of you, but better to suffer through that pain now than suffer through a lifetime of pain during your marriage -- or getting divorced a couple of years in. You're young, so don't throw away your life on the wrong guy. Take your time so that you can live "happily ever after" with the right guy.
 
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ReesePiece23

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It sounds to me that you, yourself, aren't ready for a relationship with anyone. It doesn't sound as if your decision making is particularly good to me. For one, you're thinking emotionally and not logically - which is a very dangerous thing. Random, inexplicable emotions are not in anyway credible for making important life decisions. IGNORE them.

End things with your boyfriend. It'll break his heart, but by the sounds of it he bloody needs it! It'll only benefit him in the long run. He sounds like he has a plethora of insecurities that he needs to go away and work on alone - because he is no where NEAR ready himself. Ending it with him would be the kind thing to do.

As for the other guy, well, you've know him all of twenty minutes. So it's probably best to give him a wide berth. Plus, you need to live life with NO distractions for a while so that you can find out who YOU are, and so that you can max out your fullest potential. No one can do that with a needy or 'romantic' partner distracting them. You need to be single for a good couple of years to really find yourself.

Remember, men aside, the best relationship that you can possibly have - next to the one you have with God, is the one that you have with yourself. Put that first, always.
 
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True Blu

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It sounds to me that you indeed should have waited. And I'd also add that you *are* single, despite what you may feel. You're not married to the first guy, and my advice is that you not get married to the first guy. It's clear from what you wrote that the two of you aren't compatible on any level, and getting married just because you're currently engaged would be a mistake. Engagements, at least in the US, indicate your intention to marry but it's certainly no "contract" to do so. As you've grown and had other experiences it has become clear to you that the first guy isn't who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't make the mistake of marrying him just because you're engaged.

I know it will be very painful for both of you, but better to suffer through that pain now than suffer through a lifetime of pain during your marriage -- or getting divorced a couple of years in. You're young, so don't throw away your life on the wrong guy. Take your time so that you can live "happily ever after" with the right guy.

That's true. Better to suffer a little now than a lot later. That makes sense to me. And I definitely don't want to end up in any sort of divorce!
 
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True Blu

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It sounds to me that you, yourself, aren't ready for a relationship with anyone. It doesn't sound as if your decision making is particularly good to me. For one, you're thinking emotionally and not logically - which is a very dangerous thing. Random, inexplicable emotions are not in anyway credible for making important life decisions. IGNORE them.

End things with your boyfriend. It'll break his heart, but by the sounds of it he bloody needs it! It'll only benefit him in the long run. He sounds like he has a plethora of insecurities that he needs to go away and work on alone - because he is no where NEAR ready himself. Ending it with him would be the kind thing to do.

As for the other guy, well, you've know him all of twenty minutes. So it's probably best to give him a wide berth. Plus, you need to live life with NO distractions for a while so that you can find out who YOU are, and so that you can max out your fullest potential. No one can do that with a needy or 'romantic' partner distracting them. You need to be single for a good couple of years to really find yourself.

Remember, men aside, the best relationship that you can possibly have - next to the one you have with God, is the one that you have with yourself. Put that first, always.

In all honesty with myself, I am probably not ready for a relationship, haha! I'm not mentally matured or responsible. Most of all, I do need to find myself. And I need to work on my relationship with God, not guys.

Buuuuuut breaking up still sounds intimidating...... Not going to lie.
 
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dysert

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That's true. Better to suffer a little now than a lot later. That makes sense to me. And I definitely don't want to end up in any sort of divorce!
I'm glad it makes sense. And I would add that I've heard of numerous cases where people get married and (whether planned or not) end up getting pregnant early in their marriage. If you think divorce is hard (and it is), imagine a divorce where there's a child involved. It's brutal.

Cut your losses now and don't look back. I think you have a bright future ahead. Don't blow it on a high school romance and the fear of temporary heartache.
 
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fat wee robin

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It sounds to me that you indeed should have waited. And I'd also add that you *are* single, despite what you may feel. You're not married to the first guy, and my advice is that you not get married to the first guy. It's clear from what you wrote that the two of you aren't compatible on any level, and getting married just because you're currently engaged would be a mistake. Engagements, at least in the US, indicate your intention to marry but it's certainly no "contract" to do so. As you've grown and had other experiences it has become clear to you that the first guy isn't who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't make the mistake of marrying him just because you're engaged.

I know it will be very painful for both of you, but better to suffer through that pain now than suffer through a lifetime of pain during your marriage -- or getting divorced a couple of years in. You're young, so don't throw away your life on the wrong guy. Take your time so that you can live "happily ever after" with the right guy.
Totally agree , you owe the first one nothing .
 
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fat wee robin

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In all honesty with myself, I am probably not ready for a relationship, haha! I'm not mentally matured or responsible. Most of all, I do need to find myself. And I need to work on my relationship with God, not guys.

Buuuuuut breaking up still sounds intimidating...... Not going to lie.
Sound like you ned to make some real friends first ,and then you will be lees dépendent on this 'false ' fiance .
 
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True Blu

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I'm glad it makes sense. And I would add that I've heard of numerous cases where people get married and (whether planned or not) end up getting pregnant early in their marriage. If you think divorce is hard (and it is), imagine a divorce where there's a child involved. It's brutal.

Cut your losses now and don't look back. I think you have a bright future ahead. Don't blow it on a high school romance and the fear of temporary heartache.

Mmmmmmm yeah, that's scary! The worst feeling in the whole entire world to me is hurting someone's feelings, and in the case of another child... That would be tragic. :( I wish I thought of all this beforehand...
 
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Why cant you break up with your fiance.
Am i not getting something here. Yes you can.

It is your choice, just say that you are not ready to be married yet. He has to respect that choice. It is better to break up now then to enter into a marriage and then divorce.

Betrothal means to be true to someone, it sounds like you cannot be true to this person so please be honest and let go.
 
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True Blu

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Why cant you break up with your fiance.
Am i not getting something here. Yes you can.

It is your choice, just say that you are not ready to be married yet. He has to respect that choice. It is better to break up now then to enter into a marriage and then divorce.

Betrothal means to be true to someone, it sounds like you cannot be true to this person so please be honest and let go.

I was vague on why I "can't break up with him." It really does have to do with me not wanting to hurt his feelings. The last time I mentioned "taking a break," not even breaking up, he burst into uncontrollable tears and it took me forever to calm him down over the phone.

I don't know what to do with this guy. Like I said, we used to be friends, and because of that I care about him no matter what and hope God's best for him. But he needs to realize that he is in no position to support a family whatsoever. His plan included me quitting college, living with him and his parents, while working at a fast food place until we could scrape enough money to buy a decent apartment. Well, actually, he is trying to get into the army. Which is good! It'll distract him and help him mature, I hope. No more tight leash for me anyway.
 
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You are not his mother and you dont need to be.
Ask God for help in the way you do it.

He does not sound mature enough to handle anything but that doesnt mean you cant be an adult and treat him like one.

You can pray that God strengthen him and give him room to grow. Ok hes not a christian but he will have to learn sooner or later what it is to be a man.
 
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True Blu

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You are not his mother and you dont need to be.
Ask God for help in the way you do it.

He does not sound mature enough to handle anything but that doesnt mean you cant be an adult and treat him like one.

You can pray that God strengthen him and give him room to grow. Ok hes not a christian but he will have to learn sooner or later what it is to be a man.

Wow. Hearing my relationship life in a forum really sheds a whole new light on it. How the heck did I even fall for this guy??? Like, what was I thinking? I turned into the kind of person I roll my eyes at.

At any rate, I think I know well enough somethings gotta change.
 
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I don't know your boyfriend personally, but the way you've described the things he's said and his desires and what he's done [getting secretly engaged] is putting up BIG red flags with flashing neon light bulbs attached to the pole. I would personally cancel the engagement in a heart beat. He's clingy and obsessed, has deleted all the pictures and threw the ring in a river..I can't tell you how many people who I've spoken to who have described eerily similar characteristics with their abusive spouse/boyfriend. They talked about how they have been manipulated and controlled. Like I mentioned, I don't know your boyfriend and him breaking into tears when you mentioned breaking things off can be genuine..but it can also be a means to make you feel sorry for him/guilty [which is a common trait of controllers] and have you stay with him longer. I am imploring you to cancel off this engagement. The beauty of being engaged is that you can cancel it if you feel uncomfortable/doubtful. Can you picture your life with your boyfriend in 10 years and things don't change? Because typically, marriage won't necessarily change someone's character for the better. I also wouldn't start anything with this new guy if you do decide to break off the engagement. Take things super slow. Allow yourself to know him better and if any red flags pop up in the long run, you'll be able to withdraw yourself.
 
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True Blu

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I don't know your boyfriend personally, but the way you've described the things he's said and his desires and what he's done [getting secretly engaged] is putting up BIG red flags with flashing neon light bulbs attached to the pole. I would personally cancel the engagement in a heart beat. He's clingy and obsessed, has deleted all the pictures and threw the ring in a river..I can't tell you how many people who I've spoken to who have described eerily similar characteristics with their abusive spouse/boyfriend. They talked about how they have been manipulated and controlled. Like I mentioned, I don't know your boyfriend and him breaking into tears when you mentioned breaking things off can be genuine..but it can also be a means to make you feel sorry for him/guilty [which is a common trait of controllers] and have you stay with him longer. I am imploring you to cancel off this engagement. The beauty of being engaged is that you can cancel it if you feel uncomfortable/doubtful. Can you picture your life with your boyfriend in 10 years and things don't change? Because typically, marriage won't necessarily change someone's character for the better. I also wouldn't start anything with this new guy if you do decide to break off the engagement. Take things super slow. Allow yourself to know him better and if any red flags pop up in the long run, you'll be able to withdraw yourself.

I suppose in a sense my fiancé is manipulative and controlling... Not in a sense, he actually is. Although he's not the most terrible human on the planet. He just needs to grow and become who he is, hopefully in Christ. And yeah, I will definitely take things slow next time! Thank you! :) Your advice (and everyone else's thus far) was helpful.
 
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Poppyseed78

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So you're in college, freshman or sophomore from what I can tell. And you are "secretly engaged" to a boy you clearly don't respect. You've said nothing good about him. You have to break up with him, because if you don't speak up and just go with the flow until you're married, it will be much harder. Essentially he is your high school boyfriend. You aren't obligated to marry him.

Focus on your relationship with God. May I also say, while you said you have no intention of cheating on your boyfriend, that what you did was inappropriate. An engaged woman doesn't spend time alone with another man, especially romantic walks through the secluded woods. It's not fair to yourself, your boyfriend, or this new guy to do that. The fact that you did, and that you wanted to at all - that's a sign that you should NOT be engaged.

I know it's difficult to break up with him, especially with his crying etc, but you have to stand strong. He will eventually get over it, and both of you will be better off.
 
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True Blu

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So you're in college, freshman or sophomore from what I can tell. And you are "secretly engaged" to a boy you clearly don't respect. You've said nothing good about him. You have to break up with him, because if you don't speak up and just go with the flow until you're married, it will be much harder. Essentially he is your high school boyfriend. You aren't obligated to marry him.

Focus on your relationship with God. May I also say, while you said you have no intention of cheating on your boyfriend, that what you did was inappropriate. An engaged woman doesn't spend time alone with another man, especially romantic walks through the secluded woods. It's not fair to yourself, your boyfriend, or this new guy to do that. The fact that you did, and that you wanted to at all - that's a sign that you should NOT be engaged.

I know it's difficult to break up with him, especially with his crying etc, but you have to stand strong. He will eventually get over it, and both of you will be better off.

Mmmm... That's hard for me to swallow. :( No, shouldn't have let it go that far with that guy. I have that talent for getting into those kinds of situations. I've already sulked about that.
 
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Poppyseed78

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Mmmm... That's hard for me to swallow. :( No, shouldn't have let it go that far with that guy. I have that talent for getting into those kinds of situations. I've already sulked about that.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, it's just an observation. I do think the deeper meaning is you don't really want to marry your boyfriend. And that's okay!

I do think it would behoove you to end that relationship sooner rather than later. The longer it goes, the harder it will be. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings.
 
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