Trigger Warning i need advice for how to get help

kaneki · Aug 27, 2016

Trigger warning because I feel I need to provide some backstory. Sorry it's so long...

I literally just joined this website because I can hardly function anymore and I desperately need advice.

Ok so my sister and I were physically abused by my mother when we were younger. I don't remember when it started or ended. I only know that it was AT LEAST while I was 12-14. I have so many memory issues, it's not even funny.

She doesn't physically abuse us anymore, but she's still emotionally abusive to us and our father.

I feel bad for her, because she was abused terribly by her mother as a child and she's quite obviously a very damaged person.

After the worst of the abuse, I went for a couple years brushing it off, because I thought that a) it was not that bad and b) I was a bad person so everything that happened to me was all my fault. ( I don't believe either of those statements anymore. )

Then, earlier this year I got badly triggered. I was having- an emotional flashback? A panic attack? Both? Then I started having all these intrusive thoughts and memories, and eventually I let myself acknowledge that I've been abused.

Now, I'm seeing a Christian therapist, but... listen. I still live with my mom. My dad wants our family to stay together, despite everything that's been revealed in the past few months. I can't tell my therapist everything or it's going to rip my family apart.

I suspect I have C-PTSD. Not in the mood to list them right now, but I exhibit a lot of the symptoms, and like I mentioned, I'm having a ton of trouble functioning.

I KNOW that if I get diagnosed, and she finds out about it, she'll have another dramatic meltdown where she threatens to leave us and crap. She might actually follow through with it. I don't know. All I know is that she will raise hell if I'm diagnosed with anything, let alone a form of PTSD.

But, at the same time, I really need help. But I can't get it without my parents being informed! It's going to be almost a year before I turn 18, and honestly, I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay caught up in school for another year while I'm like this.

Again, I'm so sorry this was so long. I just don't know what do. I'm asking for advice, but it's fine if you don't have any. I'd be grateful if y'all just prayed for me tbh <3

vinsight4u · Aug 27, 2016

kaneki · Aug 27, 2016

vinsight4u said:
You need to consider you right now, not your mom. She is an
adult and can take care of herself, same for your dad. You didn't
say what the physical abuse entailed, but you need to tell it all
to whomever you go to. Get it all out. Then put it in the past/
forgive, and decide how to deal with it if those type of incidents ever happen again. You will.....call the police...move out...go to the neighbors...go to another room...what? The emotional abuse needs to stop too. People say that words can't hurt - but they also leave scars. They just can't be seen on your heart or in your mind that easily as physical abuse can. I'll be sending
up prayers for your dad to take a stand against all types of
abuse in your home. Asking God to touch the heart of your
mother, so she can love you the way she should and show
you that love. God can give you peace and strength as you
move forward. Is everyone in your family supposed to be
a Christian?

Thank you for praying, and for responding to my post. it means a lot.

Well, physical abuse isn't really a threat to my safety anymore. My mom is having health issues that limit her movement, and I'm much bigger and stronger now. ( it never... caused any serious injuries or left lasting marks. that's why I thought it wasn't 'really abuse' tbh )

As for plans, well... I do have plans in place, in case there IS an incident. The hard part is being able to stick to them even when I'm in an unstable state of mind.

Everyone in our family is supposed to be a Christian, yes. Thank God, my faith is like... the one thing I have that hasn't been messed up. The only good thing that's come out of this is that I've learned to rely on God more.

There have been some pretty big confrontations in our family about this stuff. My dad didn't know until I remembered earlier this year and told him. I always assumed that he knew and approved of Mom's actions, but now that I've been thinking about it, he wasn't around for the really nasty stuff.

We're trying to get my mom to go to therapy, too. It took a loooottt of convincing, but she's going along with it, for now.

Catherineanne · Aug 28, 2016

kaneki said:
Thank you for praying, and for responding to my post. it means a lot.

Well, physical abuse isn't really a threat to my safety anymore. My mom is having health issues that limit her movement, and I'm much bigger and stronger now. ( it never... caused any serious injuries or left lasting marks. that's why I thought it wasn't 'really abuse' tbh )

Hi Kaneki.

Thanks for posting; it can't have been easy.

The first point to make is that emotional abuse is a threat to your safety. The toxic combination of words and attitude can seriously erode your self esteem, and lead you to self destructive behaviour, even if your mother (and others) don't lay a hand on you. Emotional abuse is every bit as destructive as physical abuse, and in many ways worse because the bruises don't show so everyone can pretend that nothing happened, leading to a nice dose of gaslighting as well.

Emotional abuse is abuse. You are being actively abused.

As for plans, well... I do have plans in place, in case there IS an incident. The hard part is being able to stick to them even when I'm in an unstable state of mind.

I am glad you have a plan. Do you have a plan for accessing the plan when you are less stable? Procrastination is a good one; not now, not today, not until I have finished ...

Everyone in our family is supposed to be a Christian, yes. Thank God, my faith is like... the one thing I have that hasn't been messed up. The only good thing that's come out of this is that I've learned to rely on God more.

Relying on God is good. Relying on God to help you to find a way out is better.

There have been some pretty big confrontations in our family about this stuff. My dad didn't know until I remembered earlier this year and told him. I always assumed that he knew and approved of Mom's actions, but now that I've been thinking about it, he wasn't around for the really nasty stuff.

If you are having therapy it will affect the whole family and inevitably lead to confrontation. It may not feel like it, but this is a good sign; it means that people are facing up to the truth at last. My only concern is that you are far too young at 17 to cope with processing your own life and also being responsible for your parents' emotional wellbeing. More on that shortly.

We're trying to get my mom to go to therapy, too. It took a loooottt of convincing, but she's going along with it, for now.

I am afraid you will have to try to let go of hoping for your mom to recover. Your recovery through therapy is about you, not her. Your dad can try to help her; you have to try to focus on you for now.

In relation to your mother I suggest you write yourself a script of some kind; one that shows concern but also limits your involvement. Maybe something like; 'Therapy would be good for you, mom. It might be worth a try, but it is your choice.'

Just say it when the subject arises and then stop and change the subject, or leave the room, or go for a walk. Abusive parents sometimes want all the attention to be on them, and will do pretty much anything to get it, but this is not about your mum; she has made her choices. This is about you.

Abusive parents often create parentified children; this means that the children feel responsible from a very young age for the emotional stability of the family. If there is stress or anger or abuse the blame is projected onto the children; it is never the parents' fault for not being adults; it is the children.

Your mother was not your responsibility when you were smaller; you were her responsibility and for whatever reason she got it wrong. Maybe she was sometimes ok, but in major ways she got it wrong. You cannot rescue her; if you try you will reinforce those parentified child behaviours in yourself, and the expectation of them in her.

I know about this because my parents were also abusive. My mother is now in her 80s and she has not changed. She never will.

Catherineanne · Aug 28, 2016

kaneki said:
Trigger warning because I feel I need to provide some backstory. Sorry it's so long...

I literally just joined this website because I can hardly function anymore and I desperately need advice.

I am glad you came here.

Ok so my sister and I were physically abused by my mother when we were younger. I don't remember when it started or ended. I only know that it was AT LEAST while I was 12-14. I have so many memory issues, it's not even funny.

I believe you.

Is your sister older or younger than you are?

She doesn't physically abuse us anymore, but she's still emotionally abusive to us and our father.

I feel bad for her, because she was abused terribly by her mother as a child and she's quite obviously a very damaged person.

Damaged people are deserving of empathy but they do not get a free card to abuse other people. You have been abused as well; would you treat people as your mother treats you? Would you treat your own children this way? I doubt it.

Abused people don't get the right to hurt others, no matter how damaged they are.

After the worst of the abuse, I went for a couple years brushing it off, because I thought that a) it was not that bad and b) I was a bad person so everything that happened to me was all my fault. ( I don't believe either of those statements anymore. )

It is normal for abused children to blame themselves; if we blamed our parents we would not be able to cope with the pain.

Then, earlier this year I got badly triggered. I was having- an emotional flashback? A panic attack? Both? Then I started having all these intrusive thoughts and memories, and eventually I let myself acknowledge that I've been abused.

Well done. You could have chosen to deny those memories, but you didn't. Facing and accepting the truth is the single most important factor in your own recovery.

Now, I'm seeing a Christian therapist, but... listen. I still live with my mom. My dad wants our family to stay together, despite everything that's been revealed in the past few months. I can't tell my therapist everything or it's going to rip my family apart.

No, if your family falls apart it will be because it is a toxic environment for everyone in it and it thoroughly deserves to fall apart. It will not be your fault.

Unless you tell your therapist everything that you remember s/he will not be able to help you appropriately. You have faced the truth yourself; the next step is to name that truth. If you can't say it out loud then write it down and give the writing to your therapist. The truth is what matters now.

You cannot hold your family together by denial.

I suspect I have C-PTSD. Not in the mood to list them right now, but I exhibit a lot of the symptoms, and like I mentioned, I'm having a ton of trouble functioning.

Well, neither you nor I can diagnose, so put that to one side. Your struggles to function are natural, and only to be expected. You have remembered lots of things that ought never to have happened and you are trying to find a way to think that is all ok, and you can all carry on.

It is not ok, and it cannot carry on. You know this really; it is the source of those symptoms. They are telling you that something has to change.

I KNOW that if I get diagnosed, and she finds out about it, she'll have another dramatic meltdown where she threatens to leave us and crap. She might actually follow through with it. I don't know. All I know is that she will raise hell if I'm diagnosed with anything, let alone a form of PTSD.

Let her raise hell. Say, 'Sorry, Mom, but that is the truth.' Then walk away and let her throw her toys out of the pram for a while; your mom is not your responsibility. If she threatens anything violent or abusive at all, tell her that you will inform her doctor, and then do so. I had to do this with my own mother; she threatened suicide in front of my d, who was then only 12. I told mum that if she said it again I would tell her doctor, and I would also say I thought she meant it. It took her 11 years before she did it again; happened again when d was 22, but d was able to cope with it by then.

Don't be fooled by the histrionics; this behaviour is a choice and they are choosing to do it. You can and definitely should choose to walk away.

Your mom is choosing to control the whole family by her histrionics; she is playing you like so many string puppets. Read about narcissism, read about toxic families and learn how to cut those strings.

Adults choose their own emotions; you can choose yours.

But, at the same time, I really need help. But I can't get it without my parents being informed! It's going to be almost a year before I turn 18, and honestly, I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay caught up in school for another year while I'm like this.

Is there somewhere else you can go? This whole situation is not going to result in good grades, so forget that for now; you can always go back to school later; for now what matters is your own personal safety and wellbeing. 17 is old enough; start making a plan b. Grandparents, aunts or uncles, cousins or friends; someone will help you. Be creative.

But start with the truth; that is very important.

Again, I'm so sorry this was so long. I just don't know what do. I'm asking for advice, but it's fine if you don't have any. I'd be grateful if y'all just prayed for me tbh <3

No problem. God be with you.

FutureAndAHope · Aug 28, 2016

kaneki said:
Trigger warning because I feel I need to provide some backstory. Sorry it's so long...

I literally just joined this website because I can hardly function anymore and I desperately need advice.

Ok so my sister and I were physically abused by my mother when we were younger. I don't remember when it started or ended. I only know that it was AT LEAST while I was 12-14. I have so many memory issues, it's not even funny.

She doesn't physically abuse us anymore, but she's still emotionally abusive to us and our father.

I feel bad for her, because she was abused terribly by her mother as a child and she's quite obviously a very damaged person.

After the worst of the abuse, I went for a couple years brushing it off, because I thought that a) it was not that bad and b) I was a bad person so everything that happened to me was all my fault. ( I don't believe either of those statements anymore. )

Then, earlier this year I got badly triggered. I was having- an emotional flashback? A panic attack? Both? Then I started having all these intrusive thoughts and memories, and eventually I let myself acknowledge that I've been abused.

Now, I'm seeing a Christian therapist, but... listen. I still live with my mom. My dad wants our family to stay together, despite everything that's been revealed in the past few months. I can't tell my therapist everything or it's going to rip my family apart.

I suspect I have C-PTSD. Not in the mood to list them right now, but I exhibit a lot of the symptoms, and like I mentioned, I'm having a ton of trouble functioning.

I KNOW that if I get diagnosed, and she finds out about it, she'll have another dramatic meltdown where she threatens to leave us and crap. She might actually follow through with it. I don't know. All I know is that she will raise hell if I'm diagnosed with anything, let alone a form of PTSD.

But, at the same time, I really need help. But I can't get it without my parents being informed! It's going to be almost a year before I turn 18, and honestly, I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay caught up in school for another year while I'm like this.

Again, I'm so sorry this was so long. I just don't know what do. I'm asking for advice, but it's fine if you don't have any. I'd be grateful if y'all just prayed for me tbh <3

Some times the best thing to do is think of the current moment not the past. If we think a day behind we will find a hurt. If we look further back more and more. If we mediate on yesterday, we might just feel a little hurt or angry, if we mediate upon our whole past we may be in desperation, needing justice, wanting to vent it all. But if we can look to tomorrow, the type of tomorrow that we desire, trying to forget the past, we will act more compassionately. For the sake of the future, I would suggest, but not demand of you, try to forgive the past, put it behind you. So that you can build relationships with your hands, not break down in any way the relationships around you. Is it fair, when people have hurt you, to just forgive? No not really, it is not fair, we all feel a need for justice. But forgiveness can bring healing to others. No it is not fair, but use your hands to heal, not to pull apart. Again it is not fair, but it is right for each of us to be a healing force.

Catherineanne · Aug 28, 2016

FutureAndAHope said:
Some times the best thing to do is think of the current moment not the past. If we think a day behind we will find a hurt. If we look further back more and more. If we mediate on yesterday, we might just feel a little hurt or angry, if we mediate upon our whole past we may be in desperation, needing justice, wanting to vent it all. But if we can look to tomorrow, the type of tomorrow that we desire, trying to forget the past, we will act more compassionately. For the sake of the future, I would suggest, but not demand of you, try to forgive the past, put it behind you. So that you can build relationships with your hands, not break down in any way the relationships around you. Is it fair, when people have hurt you, to just forgive? No not really, it is not fair, we all feel a need for justice. But forgiveness can bring healing to others. No it is not fair, but use your hands to heal, not to pull apart. Again it is not fair, but it is right for each of us to be a healing force.

This may be ok for small hurts, but when child abuse or trauma is involved it is simply wrong to expect those who have been abused to forget all about it and move on. Trauma prevents us from simply looking forward in this way; it cannot be done without therapy and healing.

A parallel might be a broken leg. I assume you would not tell someone with multiple fractures to forget what has happpened; to simply stand up and walk forward. I assume you understand that this would cause the existing injury to become far worse. The same applies to trauma; the wounds have to be treated appropriately and supported while they heal. Once the healing has happened then that person will indeed be able to move forward, but not before.

It is also too soon to speak of forgiveness. Until we know exactly what happened we cannot issue a blanket forgiveness for everything. We have to face the truth first, and call it by name.

FutureAndAHope · Aug 28, 2016

Catherineanne said:
This may be ok for small hurts, but when child abuse or trauma is involved it is simply wrong to expect those who have been abused to forget all about it and move on. Trauma prevents us from simply looking forward in this way; it cannot be done without therapy and healing.

A parallel might be a broken leg. I assume you would not tell someone with multiple fractures to forget what has happpened; to simply stand up and walk forward. I assume you understand that this would cause the existing injury to become far worse. The same applies to trauma; the wounds have to be treated appropriately and supported while they heal. Once the healing has happened then that person will indeed be able to move forward, but not before.

It is also too soon to speak of forgiveness. Until we know exactly what happened we cannot issue a blanket forgiveness for everything. We have to face the truth first, and call it by name.

Yes but dwelling on hurts, painful memories only brings more pain. I had a situation where I was emotionally abused over many years. I had one situation in my past that made people think I was going mad. From that moment on everybody who knew about it treated me as insane. I could not speak to them about anything religious with out being shut down. Every time I mentioned the word God, they would be trying to up my medication. Yet every day the person I lived with, me, was 100% sane, had a wonderful family life, loved God, and tried my best to help others. God knew who I was, he loved me, encouraged me. Yet those around me who should have loved me, judged me, shut me down. It might not have been physical abuse, but believe me it hurt like hell. I struggled for acceptance, just to be loved rather than judged. It is so wrong to be misrepresented, for people to hold a false belief about you.

But back to the point God told me clearly, if I remember yesterday I will hurt a little, if I remember two weeks back I will hurt some more. I really do not want to be remembering my hurts for the rest of my life? I want to be living in tomorrow, tomorrow only has the hurts that we allow. Even if we are abused in tomorrow, if we remember the abuse, it just hurts us, if we instantly forgive it we are free. I refuse to carry hurt or condemnation into my tomorrows.

Catherineanne · Aug 28, 2016

FutureAndAHope said:
Yes but ...

'Yes but ... ' means 'no'.

I know what I am talking about.

dwelling on hurts, painful memories only brings more pain. I had a situation where I was emotionally abused over many years. I had one situation in my past that made people think I was going mad. From that moment on everybody who knew about it treated me as insane. I could not speak to them about anything religious with out being shut down. Every time I mentioned the word God, they would be trying to up my medication. Yet every day the person I lived with, me, was 100% sane, had a wonderful family life, loved God, and tried my best to help others. God knew who I was, he loved me, encouraged me. Yet those around me who should have loved me, judged me, shut me down. It might not have been physical abuse, but believe me it hurt like hell. I struggled for acceptance, just to be loved rather than judged. It is so wrong to be misrepresented, for people to hold a false belief about you.

I am sorry that happened to you.

The answer is not to pretend it did not happen, but to deal with the hurt.

But back to the point God told me clearly, if I remember yesterday I will hurt a little, if I remember two weeks back I will hurt some more. I really do not want to be remembering my hurts for the rest of my life? I want to be living in tomorrow, tomorrow only has the hurts that we allow. Even if we are abused in tomorrow, if we remember the abuse, it just hurts us, if we instantly forgive it we are free. I refuse to carry hurt or condemnation into my tomorrows.

I am afraid this is just a description of denial, and it was not from God but from your own decision, projected onto God. Here is what God actually thinks of sins, including abuse, hidden from view and forgotten:

Luke 8:17

There is nothing hidden that will not be made known, nothing concealed that will not be brought into the open.

FutureAndAHope · Aug 28, 2016

We are all learning ....

I am not saying a abused person in all circumstances should just forgive the abuse, not at all, there are legal avenues that all people can take to protect others. But if it is not an issue of protection, it should be an issue for healing. What is the best path way for healing all around.

kaneki · Aug 29, 2016

Hi. Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words.

I'm going to therapy again tomorrow. My appointment's not that long so I don't think I'll have time to discuss everything that's been bothering me, but I'll definitely try to be more open with my concerns.

kaneki · Aug 29, 2016

Catherineanne said:
I am glad you came here.

I believe you.

Is your sister older or younger than you are?

Damaged people are deserving of empathy but they do not get a free card to abuse other people. You have been abused as well; would you treat people as your mother treats you? Would you treat your own children this way? I doubt it.

Abused people don't get the right to hurt others, no matter how damaged they are.

It is normal for abused children to blame themselves; if we blamed our parents we would not be able to cope with the pain.

Well done. You could have chosen to deny those memories, but you didn't. Facing and accepting the truth is the single most important factor in your own recovery.

No, if your family falls apart it will be because it is a toxic environment for everyone in it and it thoroughly deserves to fall apart. It will not be your fault.

Unless you tell your therapist everything that you remember s/he will not be able to help you appropriately. You have faced the truth yourself; the next step is to name that truth. If you can't say it out loud then write it down and give the writing to your therapist. The truth is what matters now.

You cannot hold your family together by denial.

Well, neither you nor I can diagnose, so put that to one side. Your struggles to function are natural, and only to be expected. You have remembered lots of things that ought never to have happened and you are trying to find a way to think that is all ok, and you can all carry on.

It is not ok, and it cannot carry on. You know this really; it is the source of those symptoms. They are telling you that something has to change.

Let her raise hell. Say, 'Sorry, Mom, but that is the truth.' Then walk away and let her throw her toys out of the pram for a while; your mom is not your responsibility. If she threatens anything violent or abusive at all, tell her that you will inform her doctor, and then do so. I had to do this with my own mother; she threatened suicide in front of my d, who was then only 12. I told mum that if she said it again I would tell her doctor, and I would also say I thought she meant it. It took her 11 years before she did it again; happened again when d was 22, but d was able to cope with it by then.

Don't be fooled by the histrionics; this behaviour is a choice and they are choosing to do it. You can and definitely should choose to walk away.

Your mom is choosing to control the whole family by her histrionics; she is playing you like so many string puppets. Read about narcissism, read about toxic families and learn how to cut those strings.

Adults choose their own emotions; you can choose yours.

Is there somewhere else you can go? This whole situation is not going to result in good grades, so forget that for now; you can always go back to school later; for now what matters is your own personal safety and wellbeing. 17 is old enough; start making a plan b. Grandparents, aunts or uncles, cousins or friends; someone will help you. Be creative.

But start with the truth; that is very important.

No problem. God be with you.

My sister is my twin, but she acts a lot younger than me so I've always kind of assumed the role of older sister.

To answer your other question, I do have somewhere I can go. I go to my best friend's house pretty often, and she's said that I can come over if things ever get too crazy over here. ( She doesn't know everything, but she knows enough to know that things can get rough with my mom. )

I'm so sorry your mother did that. And thanks for telling me about that. I guess I've just been reluctant to believe that she's purposefully manipulating us with her threats- though, I think I've always known deep down inside. I've read some about narcissistic people and their manipulation tactics, but I think I'll look further into it.

oh, btw, I know what you mean about being parentified. My mom's done that for so long that, even now that I know about the problem, I still don't know how much it influences me. I really want to weed out that mindset, so thanks for helping me recognize it. ( I'm sorry if that doesn't make a lot of sense; it's really late where I am lol )

Catherineanne · Aug 30, 2016

kaneki said:
Hi. Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words.

I'm going to therapy again tomorrow. My appointment's not that long so I don't think I'll have time to discuss everything that's been bothering me, but I'll definitely try to be more open with my concerns.

Well done. Small steps are fine.

I wish you well.

Catherineanne · Aug 30, 2016

kaneki said:
My sister is my twin, but she acts a lot younger than me so I've always kind of assumed the role of older sister.

That makes sense. Your parents have turned you into their parent, and your sister does the same; why wouldn't she?

The good news is that you are in the best place to remember, and to escape. Your sister won't be able to do this until you have, but she may follow eventually.

To answer your other question, I do have somewhere I can go. I go to my best friend's house pretty often, and she's said that I can come over if things ever get too crazy over here. ( She doesn't know everything, but she knows enough to know that things can get rough with my mom. )

That is good.

I'm so sorry your mother did that. And thanks for telling me about that. I guess I've just been reluctant to believe that she's purposefully manipulating us with her threats- though, I think I've always known deep down inside. I've read some about narcissistic people and their manipulation tactics, but I think I'll look further into it.

Yes, it is all deliberate, although she may not be consciously aware of doing it. She can choose how she reacts; you may notice that she can switch the histrionics on and off at will. The emotions are not genuine; they are to create a response in other people; good or bad, she won't care, as long as she can stir things up.

There is another technique which can be useful. Grey rock. I use this one myself; my mum has seen nothing but grey rock from me for years. Don't worry about the word psychopath; it means in this context someone without empathy, not someone violent.

http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

oh, btw, I know what you mean about being parentified. My mom's done that for so long that, even now that I know about the problem, I still don't know how much it influences me. I really want to weed out that mindset, so thanks for helping me recognize it. ( I'm sorry if that doesn't make a lot of sense; it's really late where I am lol )

You are unlikely ever to escape from it, but the good news is that it will make you a very resourceful, very self reliant adult, and that is all good.

Catherineanne · Aug 30, 2016

FutureAndAHope said:
We are all learning ....

I am not saying a abused person in all circumstances should just forgive the abuse, not at all, there are legal avenues that all people can take to protect others. But if it is not an issue of protection, it should be an issue for healing. What is the best path way for healing all around.

I know you meant well.

The best path for healing from an abusive situation is through the truth; I am afraid there is no avoiding that one.

kaneki · Aug 30, 2016

Catherineanne said:
That makes sense. Your parents have turned you into their parent, and your sister does the same; why wouldn't she?

The good news is that you are in the best place to remember, and to escape. Your sister won't be able to do this until you have, but she may follow eventually.

That is good.

Yes, it is all deliberate, although she may not be consciously aware of doing it. She can choose how she reacts; you may notice that she can switch the histrionics on and off at will. The emotions are not genuine; they are to create a response in other people; good or bad, she won't care, as long as she can stir things up.

There is another technique which can be useful. Grey rock. I use this one myself; my mum has seen nothing but grey rock from me for years. Don't worry about the word psychopath; it means in this context someone without empathy, not someone violent.

http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

You are unlikely ever to escape from it, but the good news is that it will make you a very resourceful, very self reliant adult, and that is all good.

At this point, my sister acknowledges the abuse too. I'm glad for that, though it leads her to rely on me even more than before. I don't really think I can stop her from doing that, but I am trying to teach myself not to perpetuate that cycle by acting too much like a mother to her. like, of course I feel like I should protect her, because I'm a protective person in general, but I'm trying to let her be independent and make her own choices, regardless of the consequences. For as long as I can remember, I've tried to get her to do the 'normal' thing to avoid public embarrassment or Mom's wrath, but now she neglects a lot of basic skills and responsibilities, and I'm afraid she's grown to rely on my direction instead of making decisions for herself... All I can do is not let it go on any longer, I guess.

Ohh, okay, thanks. I read the article, and I'll save it somewhere where my mom couldn't find it if she got on my computer. I think I'll give that method a try the next time I need to use it.

Haha, yeah

Catherineanne · Aug 31, 2016

kaneki said:
At this point, my sister acknowledges the abuse too. I'm glad for that, though it leads her to rely on me even more than before. I don't really think I can stop her from doing that, but I am trying to teach myself not to perpetuate that cycle by acting too much like a mother to her. like, of course I feel like I should protect her, because I'm a protective person in general, but I'm trying to let her be independent and make her own choices, regardless of the consequences. For as long as I can remember, I've tried to get her to do the 'normal' thing to avoid public embarrassment or Mom's wrath, but now she neglects a lot of basic skills and responsibilities, and I'm afraid she's grown to rely on my direction instead of making decisions for herself... All I can do is not let it go on any longer, I guess.

Ohh, okay, thanks. I read the article, and I'll save it somewhere where my mom couldn't find it if she got on my computer. I think I'll give that method a try the next time I need to use it.

Haha, yeah

If you and your sister are both facing up to what has happened then it is natural if she relies on you for direction; as long as it does not take away too much from your life then a bit of allowance is ok.

I wish you both well; it may not be easy but it is better to go into adult life with a greater awareness of who you are, rather than living in denial.

Paxton25 · Sep 1, 2016

This site explains the symptoms of PTSD in a clear, concise manner. It also provides self-help information & has links to places where you can get the loving help you need.
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/post-traumatic-stress-disorder.htm

kaneki · Sep 26, 2016

Paxton25 said:
This site explains the symptoms of PTSD in a clear, concise manner. It also provides self-help information & has links to places where you can get the loving help you need.
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/post-traumatic-stress-disorder.htm

I looked over the article and the information seems helpful. Thank you

Ladyghosthunter · Sep 26, 2016

I have CPTSD as my life has been a bout of unending Hell that I've had to walk through to get to salvation. The way I look at my hurt/trauma/desolation is that Jesus had only two people help him with carrying the cross with a crown of thorns on his head. He was beaten and whipped like I was, he was injured and he was finally hung on a cross to die to save our souls from death.
Sorry, I'm crying. Four years ago, I had to let go of my dysfunctional family because it was the best thing for me to do. They were not healthy for me and I can't control what has (past tense) happen. The best thing I did for me was to say goodbye and not look back. It has been the best thing for me. I realized after the fog of tears lifted that my father's mother was the one who did all of the damage because of abandonment issues she never dealt with. To add to this spiel, my sinister in law told me I was going to Hell because my narcissistic husband kicked me out of the house after 12 years of marriage because "he didn't want to be married anymore". Pretty much, the whole marriage was abusive and my brother was more than abusive-he went psychotic on me blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life.
To make a long story short, the best thing you can do is to walk away from the situation. It's not you. It's them. I'm on so many medications to keep my PTSD at bay and I'm disabled. The only way I can properly communicate with people is by talking on the computer.
People don't understand PTSD in many ways and think that only veterans get it. No. Anyone who have or has gone through trauma can have it. I've given my life and soul to God and He and Mother Mary know what I'm dealing with. Everyone who doesn't understand...well, I'll give them the DSM-5 book on mental illness for them to read. I guess that's all I have to say.
Heather

Trigger Warning i need advice for how to get help

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