What scars do you still bear from your failed marriage?

I've been divorced for 8 years, and I still struggle over issues. I have a therapist now who is going over these things with me. I don't miss him or want him back. The pain I struggle with is the damage he did while we were together, and after the divorce, and still occasionally causes. When you share kids with an ex, it seems to never end.

Insecurities about my weight and body shape, how I look in my clothes, my hair, and makeup.

If deserve a haircut, healthcare, dental care, or not. While he also got his needs met even if it meant making us suffer financially and the rest of us not getting our needs tended to.

His false accusations of me being lazy, not caring, being irresponsible

Him blaming me for things that went wrong whether it was my fault or not, or even if it was things that were not that big of a deal, or had nothing to do with me, or had nothing to do with him. If he could not find a way to blame me for things, then he would put me down for not knowing about it and belittle me for my ignorance.

His neglect and rejections. I wasn't "worthy" of his time and attention. I didn't "deserve" it because I wasn't doing enough for him, when in actuality I was doing pretty much everything for him.

His insults and verbal bullying. He included his friends and would get them talking about me and making jokes about me, and calling me names, laugh with them, and then tell me what they said about me. Some of them didn't even know me. He then began doing this with my son, telling him bad things about me and making fun of me in front of my son. This affected my own child's opinion of me and causing him to not respect me. It created situations where I would have to stand up for myself to my son. As he aged it took more and more to do this because of the lies about me and intensity of emotions increased. I've gotten this cleared up with my son in the last year, but there were quite a few battles. It involved me shoving the divorce papers at my son and having him read some of the stipulations regarding the boys and visitations and our responsibilities, then pointing out that his dad read it, declined to contest it, and signed it.


Occasionally my ex will still do some of these things. However he has also started acting weird when we meet to exchange our boys. He talks to me like we are good friends, and tries to hang around to make extra conversation. He seems to be trying to impress me, and make himself look good. It's weirding me out, and I want him to stop. He recently had a surgery on his stomach and felt it was necessary to show me the scar and describe how he has been feeling, and expected sympathy. I just said, "oh."

Servant68 said:

My wife had me convinced that I wasn't saved because I didn't show the "fruits of the spirit" 100% of the time.

If I ever lost my temper and cursed in traffic, then she would use that as evidence that I wasn't a Christian. If I was depressed about something, then I wasn't a Christian. If I had too much wine to drink and got drunk, then I obviously wasn't a Christian.

She was very passive aggressive about it and came across as just wanting to be a good wife by pointing out all my shortcomings so I could correct them and be a proper Christian man.

When she wanted a divorce, I was convinced that I was such a bad person and that it was all my fault, so I went to a Christian therapist after she refused to go to any kind of counseling.

My second session with him, he told me that because I was so worried about not being saved and wanting to be saved that I was obviously saved; among other pieces of evidence...

It was incredibly empowering.

He enlightened me to her hypocrisy and failings and was able to help me to see that she was as equally, if not more so, responsible for the marriage failing.

I learned a few months later that she had reconnected with her old high school boyfriend on Facebook months before asking for a divorce and married him a couple of days after our 20yr marriage was dissolved.

But, I still struggle with frustration with not showing the fruits of the spirit all the time. I have times that I still get depressed, I do lose my temper on occasion, I am often overcome with negative thoughts and bitterness, and I still occasionally lose track of how many drinks I have and find myself intoxicated. I then have great guilt, pray for forgiveness, and start to doubt that I am truly saved.

It's a scar that my ex left that still hasn't healed.

What are some that you have?

Or were there some you had that are now healed?

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Who can measure up to Jesus, nobody.

You can only be Christ like not Christ.

The only "scar" I bear from my marriage is that I still care for her at some level. It's as if there's a part of me that remembers the "for better and for worse...forsaking all others" bit. Even though she's stooped to lying about the reasons for our divorce to garner donations for her medical bills, it's hard for me to not be moved when she reaches out to me. I haven't given in though.

These were interesting to read. I have yet to start the divorce process, but we have been "separated" (not legally through a court) for 6 months now. He lives with his mistress and I have our daughter. By all feelings of the heart, I'm divorced. I just still carry his health insurance, last name and it's not on paper. We are waiting until next month for various reasons.

But I can already feel some of those scars.
Never in 12 years of marriage, did he call me pretty. Not once. So I really struggle, especially since he left, with feeling pretty. I hate trying on clothes. I hate getting ready in the morning. Because I have the "he never called me pretty, and left for someone who IS pretty" mentality. And my self esteem has truly taken a hit from that. And I think it will take a lot of work to get that back.

I also suffer scars of trust. I have a very, very hard time trusting people now. Not just him, either. Anyone. I almost feel like the entire world is lying to me. And that's something I'm REALLy trying to get over because I know this is most definitely NOT the case. But when you're lied to for 12 years, it's hard to find the place in your heart to trust anyone.

That all said, I'm a firm believer in battle scars and wounds.. a believer that they shape and mold us. My c-section scar shows that I'm a mama. My inner scars show that I'm human. A scar will always be there. But I have faith that they won't get worse, and heal a bit more each day.

I pray for my ex-husband a lot. I miss him. There was a reason we got married He's Catholic and I'm non-denom. I think I'm really afraid to trust someone. I thought my ex was one person and he turned out to be another. There were red flags but I was too naive to see them. I also allowed physical intimacy to happen early in the relationship so that always clouds judgement.

I was in a grocery store with a friend last fall and I was really afraid he was going to blow up at me if I asked him to get something from another aisle. He didn't. He just said okay and got it with a smile. My ex and I couldn't shop together. Yes, it was that bad. I recently went on a date and he offered me some food from his plate. I was afraid to take it because my ex hated it when I wanted to taste his food. Yup. It was that bad.

I hope that I meet someone who makes me soooo comfortable that trust issues go away. This is not about him cheating btw, it's about turning into someone I don't know. So sad. I hope my ex eventually finds true joy in life.

I've been divorced 9 yrs now. The only effect that I'm aware of is I have no desire to get married. Its not so much that I don't want to be in a relationship with a woman tho, is that I don't want the government involved in my personal relationships.
I also get bored being in just one relationship. I really love meeting people and hearing their story. From the way I was taught that one does marriage that wouldn't work out.

I also find myself in the position of not wanting to be in a romantic relationship again. I still love my ex to a small degree and I think about what I did and how I compromised on my dreams & goals and that didn't work so why do that in future. Why not take a my way or the highway approach which will doom a relationship to failure.


Of course I still find it difficult from time to time but what I have done is planned ahead. So if I start feeling depressed then I might call certain friends. If I need a change of scenery then I can go to my sisters place. I also know that I have a couple of friends nearby and if I need to stay at their place for a couple of nights I can. Stopping these things can't always be done but planning a strategy to deal with it when it does helps.

My image of family--mine, and my former in-laws--is no longer the same.

With my parents and aunt/uncles, there was more caring and support. Most of them are gone or very old. The younger generation, i.e., my first cousins, were complete opposites. Despite knowing at the time and afterwards when I was on the cusp of eviction, my cousins--especially one who I grew up with more like a sister and was in a far better financial position than--were nowhere to be found.

I had considered my wife's family the salt of the earth. Rarely did I need their help 1999-2012. But when I did--especially the brother-in-law who I was closest to, whose kids especially the youngest daughter adored me, who knew of my job loss and initially said yes to my plea to move in (like they did for a non-family member who was in a similar state as me two years prior to mine) only to mysteriously say no with no explanation and no defense from my wife.

The biblical and societal belief that a spouse should come before the other spouse's family is definitely in the garbage.

I guess Love--the joyous emotion that comes with 'that special someone'--is also altered. I doubt I will ever fall in love again.

[shrugging shoulders] Oh well. Despite these scars, I came out of the darkest period of my life in tact (personally, emotionally, financially, etc.) and with a rock-solid faith in God.

All these stories make me so sad.

Servant68 said:

My ex's family were all mostly Christian. Her parents were some of the sweetest and most Christian Christians I had ever met. Our divorce started amicably; we both admittedly had drifted apart over the years and didn't hate each other but just wanted out. At first. Then I realized that divorce was just wrong in our situation and that we should be fighting and praying to keep our 20yr marriage alive. She didn't. She was her parent's only child and their little red-haired princess who could do no wrong.

They ended up having no backbone and refused to admonish her decision to not try counseling and to just end the marriage. When I found out a couple of months after the divorce was finalized that my ex remarried the day after the divorce and had been secretly seeing another man for months, I lost all respect for my wife and her parents.

Supposedly good Christian people who I had known for 20 years and helped numerous times over the years just blocked me out of their lives. Their hypocrisy and evil behavior was just very saddening to me and my kids and my family.

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Wow. I am stunned at what occurred and how similar it is/was to my divorce. I am also saddened for what you endured, Servant68.

In Spring 2012 while I was battling in housing court I learned of another case where the notion of marriage and family went into the toilet.

I was talking with a guy who was married for almost 20 years. His wife did the family finances. Two weeks prior to our meet in court, she left him for a guy she met on Facebook. She also took with her, her financial capabilities. This poor guy didn't know a checkbook from a notebook. If I remember correctly, she also took their money.

Servant68 said:

My wife had me convinced that I wasn't saved because I didn't show the "fruits of the spirit" 100% of the time.

If I ever lost my temper and cursed in traffic, then she would use that as evidence that I wasn't a Christian. If I was depressed about something, then I wasn't a Christian. If I had too much wine to drink and got drunk, then I obviously wasn't a Christian.

She was very passive aggressive about it and came across as just wanting to be a good wife by pointing out all my shortcomings so I could correct them and be a proper Christian man.

When she wanted a divorce, I was convinced that I was such a bad person and that it was all my fault, so I went to a Christian therapist after she refused to go to any kind of counseling.

My second session with him, he told me that because I was so worried about not being saved and wanting to be saved that I was obviously saved; among other pieces of evidence...

It was incredibly empowering.

He enlightened me to her hypocrisy and failings and was able to help me to see that she was as equally, if not more so, responsible for the marriage failing.

I learned a few months later that she had reconnected with her old high school boyfriend on Facebook months before asking for a divorce and married him a couple of days after our 20yr marriage was dissolved.

But, I still struggle with frustration with not showing the fruits of the spirit all the time. I have times that I still get depressed, I do lose my temper on occasion, I am often overcome with negative thoughts and bitterness, and I still occasionally lose track of how many drinks I have and find myself intoxicated. I then have great guilt, pray for forgiveness, and start to doubt that I am truly saved.

It's a scar that my ex left that still hasn't healed.

What are some that you have?

Or were there some you had that are now healed?

Click to expand...

Always be very leery of those who claim to be "more holy" than you. That is a telltale sign, they have significant personal baggage and need to resort to spiritual abuse, to knock you down at the knees.

My ex would dish out the emotional abuse at will and after you deal with that for a long time, it leaves it's mark.

JAM2b said:

All these stories make me so sad.

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Allow me to lighten things up,i was married 27 years ago for two years and the day it ended was one of the best days I have had in the past 27 years,peace regained and freedom regained is a wonderful thing.

Servant68 said:

When I found out a couple of months after the divorce was finalized that my ex remarried the day after the divorce and had been secretly seeing another man for months, I lost all respect for my wife and her parents.

Supposedly good Christian people who I had known for 20 years and helped numerous times over the years just blocked me out of their lives. Their hypocrisy and evil behavior was just very saddening to me and my kids and my family.

Click to expand...

Ahhh man, I'm sorry. My ex is openly seeing another woman while still married (we are filing for divorce once my daughter starts school) and left me for her, and I'm sure they will get married soon enough also. My mother in law is also blocking me from my life. It's like.... she dropped me like a hot cake. But she's embracing the new mistress. That said, she was never a very large part of my life. She wasn't the mother in law I envisioned having.

Even when we move on, it's crazy how deep some scars can run. How we envisioned certain things to be that weren't. Healing is no joke. And it seems never ending at times. But I fully believe our scars shape us to be some of the most strongest people EVER in the long run.