Ending a friendship where friend no longer wants to follow God?

Lately I have been in a difficult situation. My childhood best friend informed me she is no longer a Christian which came as quite a shock to me considering how she seemed like such a strong Christian who I would go to for Biblical and life advice. She even majored in a Biblical program at college.

She was hiding the fact she no longer wants to follow Christ for quite some time because she was afraid of my reaction and that I would no longer want to be friends with her.

My friend is also dating a nonchristian whom she met online who proclaims to lean towards or agree with Luciferianism. I was very shocked when she shared that with me and of course went on to refute it, and she defended it.

She also had strong values toward purity for many years, but gave her virginity to the man she had only just started dating, arguing that they really knew each other much longer from talking online (they had only seen one another in real life a handful of times). She also defended her decision to give up virginity by saying she intends to marry him.

Of course, I am in no way okay with the lifestyle choices she is making. I communicated with her to not act shocked if we grow apart because we are headed down two different paths and disagree on many important subjects. She failed to see how it would affect our relationship and was upset at the suggestion. She got offended when I told her that we can only talk about unimportant subject matters because the important ones we disagree on, so I asked her why on earth she would want to talk about things like that when I know we'll strongly disagree with one another and so it makes no sense. Her reply was "I guess I'm forgetting myself. To me, religion was an interesting discussion point but honestly, there was a lot more in the world equally as interesting." That is really out there to me...because like I said, this was a person who seemed to genuinely want to follow God and seemed very strong in her faith.

She thinks I am unaccepting of who she really is, not nice to her, that I don't think carefully before I tell her things that I think are necessary, and she seems to think I am judgmental. I told her that I believed we were sisters in Christ and I believed that she believed in purity and that I thought we could agree on a lot of stuff stemming from those basic truths. She wrote, "I guess I am stupid then, to believe you cared for our friendship outside of that." So then I got into that God is my focal point, and He even goes above my marriage and He is what I thought held my friendships together and that He isn't on the back burner for me...I received no reply to that.

How should I handle myself with someone like this? A person I have a lot of history with, and also someone who isn't just a nonchristian, they (at least seemed) Christian almost their whole life and so this seems like a 360 degree turn...

It's like she wants me to accept her choices which I in no way am or intend to. She doesn't expect me to agree with her, though I know she wants me to and she very much seems to want me to accept all of this, acting like I am not accepting her if I don't accept her choices, because it somehow defines her. I can't compromise my values just because of our long friendship; she doesn't come before God. It seems to me that if I try to maintain the same level of friendship with her (which I find impossible to do so anyway because I thought our friendship was based on God, so we can't really discuss matters on that anymore) that I will be compromising values. The last time we hung out, the compromising values kind of happened when she was telling me things about her boyfriend which were sexual in nature and I kind of went along with it; I didn't agree with it, but I chimed in the conversation and didn't speak against it right then because I didn't know if I could. When someone doesn't profess to be Christian, it's not sin to them.

She contradicts herself, it's clear she doesn't know what she's doing, even though she informed me she is not confused and she has made her choice not to be a Christian.

So, I have some questions about the matter. How do I go from here? Do I maintain a superficial relationship? Even that can get hard because it entails her decisions being brought up. She didn't sound content with having a superficial friendship, but I can't see having it any other way because I'm holding onto my values and beliefs. She makes it seem like I want to get rid of her because she doesn't match my exact mold, when it is not like that. It isn't as stupid as she quit the swim team we were both on and now I'm upset. What she bases her life on is very different than what I base mine on, so therefore our goals and beliefs vary to the point where to me it looks like incompatible friends. We'll be raising our families differently, and I don't believe I would want my kids to hang around hers because of being led astray. I do not think it is a sin to be a friend with a nonchristian, though I think caution must be exercised; I don't think we're supposed to be close friends however, because we can start to sway.
I hope I don't sound like some self-righteous person who is "too good" to be friends with a nonchristian; I'm not trying to come across that way. Also, about her claims about me not being nice, being judgmental, unaccepting, or whatnot how do I know if I am that way? It's so hard when Christians are called different things for not accepting the ways of this world...some of her claims sound like that to me, but on the other hand, I am wondering if I am being wrong or like a Pharisee. I find myself angry with the choices she makes and continues to make, is that a righteous anger or a prideful one? Anyway, insight would be appreciated. Thank you so much and sorry for the long post!

Razare said:

You're no longer friends with her.

You *can't* technically be friends if you're a real Christian. Here is an example... my roommates a couple of them are lost. One is possessed by a demon sadly. But before I realized she was possessed, God also showed me in the spirit who she is supposed to be in Christ's kingdom.

So I can't be friends with a demon. How can you be? You see, the real person is found in Christ... but as soon as someone starts blabbing off "my choices", "I'm not confused", ect. ect. When they are directly and openly listening and following a form of satanism... you have to understand that person has a demon either heavily influencing their thinking, or they are possessed by a demon. Either way, it's no longer the truth of who that person is who is speaking, but rather the lies and deception and demons talking with them and through them.

It happens to all of us even at times. Even Christians, if we believe a lie and begin speaking it, we slip over into the enemy's camp for a moment and spread deceit.

So if you love your friend, you have to understand that to love your friend is to see her in terms of how Christ intends her to exist and live. That is love.

To then exercise love toward her, you have to do what is necessary to edify Christ into her life, and block the evil she will bring at you.

It may be too much for you... and it may be a sin to even try, just depends if Christ leads you that way.

You see, when she brings up a sexual conversation like that, you can't participate as a Christian. If you do participate, you are edifying the devils and deception in her life, making those influences stronger and worse... meaning, you are contributing to her downfall.

And if you love as the Bible intends, you would not want to do that.

If you doing that ultimately prevents her from returning to Christ, then your failures in this area may be the reason she goes to eternal hell.

So how you interact with her is on your shoulders. It's a serious matter.

Recently, I just learned that the manner in which I had conversations with my father, I was edifying the kingdom of satan in his thinking and life... because I would give place to excessive useless talk, which edified worldly things in his life. If we edify those influences in other people's lives, we are leading them a few steps toward the fire. We have to edify Christ.

1 Corinthians 5 -
I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people-- not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world.
But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

I would say it is fine to minister through lifestyle to lost people, but you can't be chummy friends with them because you then operate according to the world:

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. - James 4:4

PS - I also think it is likely your friend was never Christian, that's why I am suggesting she is totally lost. People who are raised Christian are suspect of whether they ever had real Christianity. It is also better if she never was a Christian, because that means she can become a legitimate Christian without a problem. A lot of raised Christians just have religion and Bible knowledge, but never arrive at the death of their old self, and the new birth.

You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' - John 3:7

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Thanks for all the great input! I do have to disagree with the part about me being a possible cause of her going to hell. Not that I disagree with you in that I should not participate in her worldly behavior, and that I am supposed to be a light and not help lead her into darkness, but I believe that people receive many invitations to Christ and it is ultimately their decision if they choose the darkness or eternal life.

Another question: My friend asked me if I would attend her wedding. What should a Christian do? If it was a Christian marrying a non-Christian, I would think it wrong to attend. If she's a non-Christian herself, would it still be wrong to go and encouraging a sinful lifestyle? She already informed me that it makes no difference if people don't go because they don't want to support it; it won't stop her from marrying him.

Sketcher said:

I know what it is like to have a close friend walk away from the Lord. It was very hurtful to me, because of what God had done for him. He didn't disbelieve God, he just refused to walk with him, or even to pray to him. Which also hurt me, because I couldn't ask him to pray for me anymore when I was going through hard times. We did grow apart for a while after that, in part because I couldn't approach him to be there for me in that same way. However, he did come back to the Lord a few years later, and he reached out to me in friendship again. However, there was a critical difference in my circumstance and in yours.

That difference is that I had resolved a long time before that happened to make the person who walks away be the bad guy in our relationship. I'm not going to cut someone off or stop treating that person as I would want to be treated just because he's not following God anymore. The person's deceived already, if Satan is going to deceive him further and claim that I'm some "holy" jerkface, I am not going to give him any reasons to believe that. As far as I can help it, it will be 100% deception, 0% what I said or did.

It honestly sounds like you did the opposite. Despite what you said your intentions are, you are in fact cutting her off and not being loving to her anymore. That to you, she's not "good enough" for you anymore. And that you believe she will make you compromise Christian values, when I'm not seeing evidence of that based on what you shared. Contrast this with Jesus, who sought out the woman at the well, Zacchaeus, and Peter after his denials.

You have to be able to reach out to people while showing love to them. You are not doing this with her. She may need to hear tough things, but it's easier to take them from a friend whom you know is for you and with you than it is from someone who only loves you on the condition that you agree with her.

You may be able to salvage this friendship with a sincere and humble apology. As it is, I don't know that she will ever receive a word from the Lord through you ever again without it, and it may be far off with it. Now, this relationship with this guy likely won't last. If it doesn't, and if that becomes the point at which she is ready to question her decisions and maybe turn back, she's going to need a Christian friend who has been genuinely kind to her despite her rebellion. You won't be that person without an apology. Yes, you should have boundaries with her, but be more generous.

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Thanks for your advice. You don't know the whole situation though...

It is similar to your friend in that she doesn't disbelieve in God, but chooses not to follow Him.

I never said I was cutting her off; I even asked advice on if I should maintain a shallow friendship. The reason it's a confusing situation, is because if I remain on deep level friendship I may more or less have to accept the sins she wants me to, or else it will just be subjected to a superficial friendship. I may have to joke with her about things that are immoral and act like it's ok and normal what she's choosing. So it's a tough situation. The Bible more or less tells us not to remain on that level of friendship with someone who isn't a Christian.

As for the apology you mentioned, what do I need to apologize for? I certainly am not sorry for putting God first or sorry that I can't agree with her... I actually refuse to apologize for any of that because that is like saying I am in the wrong for sticking to my values and justifying her behavior.

Also, when I said making me compromise my values I mean that she wants me to accept what she is doing, so that is in essence compromising my values by feeling like I must agree with her or act like I do. Or when I start to feel afraid that talking about moral/Godly things will offend her and try to avoid it, or feel like I need to be very careful in bringing those things up. This is only the beginning of it all too...I imagine if it escalates it will only get worse. She has already very clearly told me that she has made her choice and respects my opinion and is glad I care about her, but I cannot convince her otherwise and that nothing anyone has ever said had ever worked for her.

So to clarify, I was not saying to cut her off. I am wondering though, how one goes about having a friendship like this when a friendship consists of having discussions on things and sharing values and ideas...and if those things are about something opposite of what I stand for, it can be hard to know what to do. Also, I do not see the relationship ending with her and the guy... my idea was that she will marry him, and that is mostly where I forsee us being distant, because I think it can be hard to change when you join yourself to another person and absolutely live in that lifestyle.

Sketcher said:

Don't justify her sins. Do apologize for yours:


From what you shared with us, everything she said about you seems true. Rather than apologize for coming off that way or stop to consider the merit of what she said about your words and behavior towards her, you kept going.

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." - James 1:19-20​

"Brothers,if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. " - Galatians 6:1​

I'm not seeing how you followed these given what you shared with us. It sounds like you made it clear to her that your love for her is conditional upon her agreeing with you. That's not being a friend. That's not being a Christlike witness either.

Remember what it means to love:

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7​

Were you really patient enough with her? Were you really kind enough to her? Were you polite, or were you rude? Where was your humility?

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OK, I guess I should also clarify...she's a highly sensitive person where if I don't agree with her lifestyle she will be defensive and jump to things like I'm being mean or trying to hurt her...just like other sins these days where people claim Christians are judgmental and unloving and hateful because they don't want to accept it. I told her I care about her, but don't accept the things.

I should also note that I am largely slow to speak often to the point of being scared of actually speaking and saying nothing, or waiting too long to say things because I hate confrontation and fear offending people. My typical thing I would do is beat around the bush because being direct feels harsh to me. I think the problem might be that people don't expect me to actually speak up and be "tough", so when I am it shocks them and they get defensive and say things like I'm not being nice to them.

So yes, I guess it's hard to convey everything on here. Hard to be clear when no one else was privy to our conversations or know the other person (or even me). I was sharing the accusations she hurled at me...but didn't necessarily believe them to be true. I know Christians get insults like that a lot, so I'm not sure if it was just that, or if they were true. I know that often if you disagree with things you believe are sins, you can be labelled 'judgmental' and 'hateful'.

Sketcher said:

You can say that you care about her but don't accept her bad decisions. But if she's especially sensitive, it is all the more important for you to not come across the way she said you came across. Don't give the devil an inch here.

Consider this: She didn't tell you until after she had made those decisions. Why didn't she come to you with her doubts before she decided to leave the faith? Was it because she was scared of rejection? What is it in you that could have possibly made her feel that way?


Giving people the truth in a loving manner is a skill that needs to be dwelled on and practiced. If what you are telling me is true, you may not be well-practiced at it yet.

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There really isn't much about me that made her scared to tell me...that's partly why I was offended that she was scared to talk to me because other times she was scared to tell me things, I did not react the way she imagined. She was scared to tell me because I am the closest friend she ever had, and didn't want to disappoint me. I am also not special in those regards; she was also scared to tell her dad and her other close friend (who she still hasn't told to my knowledge). So yes...and she lied on more than one occasion about things and pretended to still be a Christian or whatever for me until she finally told.

shelley1952 said:

Even though we are to witness every chance we get you can see by the scripture at the bottom from 2 Cor. we are not to be yoked with unbelievers. Most people think of these verses in terms of marriage only but its talking about friendships too. Even though you seem well grounded I know by experience how things can go in a situation of very close friends like you are talking about. It can become harder to resist the things you were talking about....



She will try more and more things to get you to feel bad about the friendship which could really wear on you after a while. The friendship is actually over. My friend and I tried to keep our friendship together but it caused disagreements which came more often and worse each time. We finally made up to the point we occasionally talk but there is really nothing left. Your friend sounds like she is testing you little by little to see what topics of conversation she can get you into where you shouldnt be, which you know and you must resist openly to her. If you try to continue the friendship and do stick to what you know to do I dont think the friendship or whats left will survive long anyway, you two will not have much to talk about. If you have to just love her from a distance and pray.

I am very concerned for your friend though, I dont know if she was truly a believer or not but for her sake I actually hope she wasnt. I say this because of these scriptures ....
Heb 6:4 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost,
Heb 6:5 And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come,
Heb 6:6 If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.
If she wasnt truly a believer she can be won over by the love of the Lord but if she was truly a believer and has really turned her back on the Lord she is in trouble, that is IF she really turned her back. One thing, you have nothing to feel bad about. She has made her decision. You are not being self righteous and judgmental, thats just part of the arguments she will use to try to make you feel bad for her, dont fall for those things. Listen for the still small voice of the Lord for what He may want you to do but resist the voice of the enemy. Dont forget the scripture below. May God give you the strength, wisdom and knowledge to handle this situation in a Christian way.


2Co 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
2Co 6:15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
2Co 6:16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
2Co 6:17 Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you,
2Co 6:18 And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.

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Thanks for the advice Shelley. I realize (at least at this point in life) we cannot be friends anymore like we used to. I will be continuing to pray for her though. My younger sister (new Christian) thinks I should cut her off completely. A wise Christian woman I speak with who has known me my whole life and is like a mother to me said I shouldn't see her as a friend anymore, but be a witness to her and treat it like a mission. I think her advice sounds better than my little sister's! While on one hand I can see where my sister is coming from...like it can be hard to deal with the negativity, frustrating, and she could influence me; but I don't think it would be right to slam the door in her face because I do think it's right to be a light to her if I can. I'll need to maintain boundaries though.

I think there is hope for her regardless of whether she has just turned away from God or never really followed Him in the first place. I don't believe people can lose their salvation. This looks good for explaining those verses:
http://www.gotquestions.org/Hebrews-6.html
Thanks again!