Thank you, Tempura for talking with me. I guess it's really hard for me to see something if it isn't black and white. Jesus said if we don't forgive people our Father in heaven won't forgive us. I wonder is wanting to forgive is enough. Gosh, I'm 53 years old and have been a child of God for 22 of those years and still struggling with this and I always thought I would be delivered from this depression by now because it cripples me from going out and spreading the love and gospel of Christ. I know He told Paul that His grace was sufficient for him, but I guess I just don't understand it. When I'm in remission (that's what I call it when the meds are working) I love to serve God and it's hard to understand why He would let me go on suffering when I could be out there spreading His love instead.
Thank you too, I need this stuff and these conversations myself too.
The thing is, our understanding in this world is very limited. We all know this. We don't even understand all of the scripture all the time, we don't know how much of it has been possibly changed/corrupted by translations and choices, and we can't know what everything means all of the time. It's almost like whenever we try to form a very clear dogma for ourselves where absolutely everything is revealed within our own wisdom and understanding, it begins to fall apart. I got discouraged by it at first, but then it led me to understand the nature of faith better. It's a spiritual book in the end, not a wholly pragmatic one.
I like what it says in 1 Corinthians:
"For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
Even Paul admits (I believe he was talking about himself as well) that he doesn't know or understand everything, and this will be the case for everyone else too. And how much more clueless are we now, than those people were then those words were written? And even then faith, hope and love were the go-to things. Not their own understanding in all situations.
Then I often think about how Jesus said that we should be like children. Children are often naive, and they certainly don't know that much. They make mistakes. What do we do to our children, if we're sensible at all, when they fail? Do we kick them out? Do we beat them into submission? Do we keep them in senseless fear? No, we love them, and guide them. We want all good things for them. And if we can love and understand our children, we who are weak and faulty, surely God loves and understands us more. After all, He gave us His son.
And about His Son, I like how Jesus completely turned "eye for an eye" into something else. He straight up reversed the literal meaning. He explained a few other pieces of scripture in a non-literal manner too. He often reprimanded pharisees, who seemed to read God's word like a book of laws, not understanding His nature.
And who are blessed? Those poor in spirit is one group that's mentioned. Also those who thirst for righteousness. What are we, if not poor in spirit, and not thirsty for righteousness? We struggle with our faith, our love, our understanding all the time. We are often like the tax collector, not even knowing how to pray, beating our chest. Christ liked his prayer, not the one of the pharisee. One point I like to make about the pharisee: he listed the things he did, which he thought would make him righteous. He probably did everything "right", for all we know. He could've been the poster boy of righteousness, not counting him despising the tax collector.
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We can take a passage and take it to condemn us or to save us, according to how we are feeling at the time, but a single feeling or interpretation doesn't have that power, only God does. And if a single feeling or passage will condemn us, what comes after that? If I somehow won my internal struggle, and found that I can switch my feelings on people at will, something will come next to condemn me. Was someone sick, and I didn't visit them? Yes. Did I lust after someone who was married or taken? I did, and I didn't even tear my eyes out. Have I lied? Absolutely. The thing is, I'm guilty of plenty. I am a sinner. It's not just a phrase without meaning, I truly am a sinner. We really understand it when we struggle with ourselves like this. It ceases to be just a thing we say, and we see it in its reality. And if we take that route of constant condemnation, we're going to be on it until we die. And it won't be because of love, but because of fear. Not fear as in "respect", but fear as in fear itself. And since we aren't given the spirit of fear, I refuse to believe that feeling of fear. It's much like how it is when we're depressed: constant shame, self-hate and fear without any purpose. We can't grow or learn from it, it only exists to feed itself. So while I may feel it, I refuse to believe it.
So I turn to Christ with whatever faith I may have, instead of worshiping my own failures. It is a gift, that grace of God in Christ, we cannot deserve it. So I accept that gift, instead of thinking my own bad deeds have more power than God's grace. Look at what Paul says in Romans:
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
I love this one, because it really describes what the struggle is like. We want to be good, and at times we can see what truly is good, but so often we fail. And everything, always, leads to Christ. We understand how faulty, ignorant and lost we are, so we go to Him. We are drawn to Him. And again, He is a savior, not a tormentor or bringer of chains. Remember the prodigal son.
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I know these things are very confusing and hard, especially if we're depressed. Because we are used to condemn ourselves. We are very familiar with the cycle of shame, guilt and fear, the kind that teaches us nothing, the kind that does no good. We can be so familiar with it, that at times we may find some kind of twisted comfort in it. And through that lens, many things become twisted. If we are encouraged to love, we take it as condemnation for our lack of perfect love. If we are encouraged to forgive, we take is as condemnation for the feelings we still have in our hearts. If we are encouraged to hope, we get saddened if we don't feel said hope. If we are encouraged to have faith, we get discouraged if the mountains don't move. We are offered freedom in love, and take them as bonds and shackles. But luckily, it's God - who is perfect love - who is in charge, not our feelings.
So, if we accept that Christ died for our sins and that God indeed loves us, what comes out of it? Good fruit. We can give better, love better, and out of real want, in joy. We feel free, and we want everyone around us to feel free too. We would comfort and encourage people. Not out of fear, not selfishly just for ourselves, but out of accepting God's love for us sinners.
In the end, we are dependent on God's grace, no matter what we do, no matter how far our abilities get us, no matter how much of little we fail. If we could do everything right that we could, we would still break under the weight of perfection we would try to achieve, and we would have to humble ourselves eventually. And I do believe that Christ is a savior, and that He didn't come to put more chains on us. So it's best to give it all to Him.
And I tell you: Perfect forgiveness is what you're after, that's where your heart is. You know what is good. You have chosen to forgive the person, but you are still wrestling with your own feelings. Forgiveness can be like courage: if you're not afraid, that's not courage. And if you don't hurt, that's not really forgiving. Aiming above your feelings is more than what most people can do, and you are honest about it. Honesty before God is a wonderful thing. So be confident in God, who is not the father who gives us scorpions when we ask for something good. Forgiveness is not a trap for us, it is a chance for us to have peace, and to understand God's love better as well. Ask for Him to relieve you, and ask for Him to forgive this person too. In time, you will have peace, and you will be guided. This is not a trap for you, but something far, far better. I'm sure of this.
It's good to feel our burdens, so that we could go to Christ. Like Jesus said in Matthew: “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because
you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this is what you were pleased to do. “All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
