what are you feeling right now? (23)

grandvizier1006 · Jul 29, 2016

chaoticfirefly said:
I hope we completely bypass the stupid family reunion. I don't want to deal with alcoholics and being responsible for a group of children while their parents get blackout drunk. I don't want to put up with the same lewd comments from an 80 year old half blind man who was making the same comments since I was 12 and I was told to get over it. I don't want questions about my personal life.

And mostly, I don't wanna see my cousin miscarry because she doesn't know how to put down the bottle and doesn't seem to understand that it's not only PCOS that terminates her wanted pregnancies. It just upsets me because she's been trying for years and went through surgeries and birth controls, always thinking this time. She gets pregnant but can't quit drinking or smoking, so she loses it. Rinse and repeat.

Not to mention, I'll be pressured to try this or that drink because somehow sobriety (lol) is such a weird and scary concept. And, "I can't drink while on medication" and "If I start, I won't stop" and "I dislike the taste" aren't viable excuses.

Why can't people respect me when I say "No"? Why can't they just back off and take it for an answer? Because one day I will stop being nice. And I've been called a monster when I'm not nice. I will burn and destroy everything.

Don't go, if that's possible. Avoid them as best as you can, if you still have to. Maybe bring something to occupy your time with that most of them can understand you're engrossed in. It was annoying to always have people ask me, "watcha readin'?" But it does get them to ignore you, except for the blind octogenarian.

If they hand you a drink try some fake sips and pour it out when they're not looking. If they keep bothering you, they'll give up if you are either too defiant (in their view "stubborn") or you don''t provide an interesting enough reaction.

Sorry you have to deal with this, btw.

Yusuphhai · Jul 29, 2016

Noxot said:
i'm happy that God has shown me clearly to repeat "13" over and over as a spiritual discipline. i'm relieved that I know of something to do in this life and it is such a simple thing. like a child I will have faith in God and do this weak thing for him and he shall surly save me from the torments of myself and this world.

Sounds like a Meditation skill from Hindu. To me the phrase “In the Name of Jesus Christ” is effective. But it is only a skill to calm my heart, I can not be saved by God through this skill. I don’t need repeat this phrase or something else automatically over and over, but let the words be a guidance for action. :hug:

W2L · Jul 29, 2016

I repeat things in my head sometimes, but then again I have mental problems. It seems helpful at times. I don't think it has any special spiritual value, but its just something I do.

Noxot · Jul 29, 2016

Yusuphhai said:
Sounds like a Meditation skill from Hindu. To me the phrase “In the Name of Jesus Christ” is effective. But it is only a skill to calm my heart, I can not be saved by God through this skill. I don’t need repeat this phrase or something else automatically over and over, but let the words be a guidance for action.

the particular tradition I am practicing is from some christian monks who said that no one should even read his book if they are not serious about seeking God.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Cloud_of_Unknowing

of course i'm drawing from a wealth of traditions. the more I stop trusting in my own understanding the more I can give ear to what God tells me. what would a Christians rather do - be caught up in his work or would he rather pray to God? I have been too lazy recently with being caught up in the meaninglessness of the world. I prefer to make my life about seeking God. spiritual disciplines are required in Christianity.

not to mention that when my mind is idle I tend to hear many evil spirits constant evil judgments of others but thanks be to God because many people hear so many of them and think it is normal or do not even notice how evil they are. you can not escape from what you do not know is your enemy.

I certainly do nothing in a mechanical manner as I understand I have good spirits set over me who serve God.

the cloud of unknowing:
"For He can well be loved, but he cannot be thought. By love he can be grasped and held, but by thought, neither grasped nor held. And therefore, though it may be good at times to think specifically of the kindness and excellence of God, and though this may be a light and a part of contemplation, all the same, in the work of contemplation itself, it must be cast down and covered with a cloud of forgetting. And you must step above it stoutly but deftly, with a devout and delightful stirring of love, and struggle to pierce that darkness above you; and beat on that thick cloud of unknowing with a sharp dart of longing love, and do not give up, whatever happens."

Noxot · Jul 29, 2016

here is another quote from that book and I fully agree with it as I am already this way a bit:

And if we will intentively pray for getting of good, let us cry, either with word or with thought or with desire, nought else nor no more words, but this word “God.” For why, in God be all good.. Fill thy spirit with the ghostly bemeaning of it without any special beholding to any of His works—whether they be good, better, or best of all—bodily or ghostly, or to any virtue that may be wrought in man’s soul by any grace; not looking after whether it be meekness or charity, patience or abstinence, hope, faith, or soberness, chastity or wilful poverty. What recks this in contemplatives?.. they covet nothing with special beholding, but only good God. Do thou.. mean God all, and all God, so that nought work in thy wit and in thy will, but only God.

I just don't wanna be so caught up in myself or the world. I want all things to be in heaven. i'm certain that God leads each of us, I just wanna make myself more receptive. I wanna die more than i ever have since I often think that death is a good idea.

chaoticfirefly · Jul 30, 2016

grandvizier1006 said:
Don't go, if that's possible. Avoid them as best as you can, if you still have to. Maybe bring something to occupy your time with that most of them can understand you're engrossed in. It was annoying to always have people ask me, "watcha readin'?" But it does get them to ignore you, except for the blind octogenarian.

If they hand you a drink try some fake sips and pour it out when they're not looking. If they keep bothering you, they'll give up if you are either too defiant (in their view "stubborn") or you don''t provide an interesting enough reaction.

Sorry you have to deal with this, btw.

I have to go.

I'll try to do those things. If anything, I can walk around. The town's population is only like sixty people not including my uncles.

LovebirdsFlying · Jul 30, 2016

I am feeling invisible, unheard, and useless. In therapy I've had enough assertiveness training to choke a hippopotamus, but I still don't get listened to. According to the DBT skills workbook, that's one of the barriers to "interpersonal effectiveness." You can apply every skill there is, but you just plain can't control the outcome. Other people are going to listen or not, their choice.

If something bothers me, and I speak up about it, all I get is a reason why it shouldn't bother me, and then no change in behavior. Say something a second time, and I get treated like I'm the one who's not listening. "I already told you why it shouldn't bother you. You're not understanding." And then they keep on doing what they want, regardless.

I'll give a specific example. Please understand that it's not unique. It's part of an ongoing, deeply ingrained pattern. Yet any time I try to discuss the pattern, my husband just wants to get bogged down in each individual instance. Then I'm made to feel like I'm overreacting to that one little thing, as if that's the only time it's ever happened.

We have a water dispenser in our house. When the light turns red, it's time to change the five-gallon jug. I can't lift. The light turned red, and I said something. Both my husband and my daughter were in the room, playing games on their respective electronic devices, daughter on her smartphone and husband on the computer. Neither one of them looked up. I said it again. Same (lack of) response, and I gave up. An hour or so later when my nephew walked into the room, and I asked *him* to please go get a new water jug, he mildly complained about it. That's when daughter and husband noticed. "Oh, why didn't you say something earlier?" Grrrrr. I *did.* Twice.

Observe that my voice went entirely unheard, but my nephew's voice got immediate attention.

Is it really just that they didn't hear me because they were so absorbed in their games? If I were trying to tell them the house was on fire, would they have reacted, or would they have just sat there because they didn't hear me? Granted, in that scenario I would probably not have given up after the second try. But MUST I yell and scream like the house is on fire, every single time I want to be heard? Is it really *my* fault when *they* don't hear me?

Temptation is strong to just disappear and see how long it takes for anybody to even notice I'm gone.

BlessedMommy05 · Jul 31, 2016

hey everyone been busy here at home cleaning the carpets and such getting re-adjusted to meds I have been waiting for to get refilled at the pharmacy. We soon need to mow again in the back yard oi fun again. Been hot n warm outside. Had storms last few days and I'm getting frustrated with my Dr's office . I keep calling and they say they'll call back, argh!!!! Sick o the phone tag ........... Anyways I hope everyone is ok?

W2L · Jul 31, 2016

Wayholka said:
Made this for another thread. My life summed up.

Brother, I feel your pain. The internet is full of immature, cold hearted jerks who only want to fight. Life is also full of people who think that maturity is to be in control of your emotions but that's not maturity at all. Any cold hearted person can do that. LOve is maturity. It takes a broken and contrite heart to understand the value of love. We are blessed brother, don't listen to people on the net or in life, they are clueless, and even though they think they are on top they are actually at the bottom.

Jeshu · Jul 31, 2016

Its been a bit of a roller coaster last week. In one way I ended up with much more sleep as usual in the other way I was lowish and tired all the time and didn't feel like doing anything at all. Just doing my chores was a burden.

I have increased the 5-htp because my sleep began to wean again and also because it seems to work as a mood stabilizer when I take it with a little sulfur. Still also hoping I will be able to collect more sleep on a regular basis.

Our new puppy Shadow is doing great. So far she is the best puppy we have ever had. She is very smart and has an independent streak in her I like very much, but will need careful management for it not to stuff things up. So far she has learned the commands sit, lay down, come, no, okay, give paw, don't touch and get in your kennel (outside) or basket (inside). She does still pee and pooh all over the place so that will need some more work, she also has a bad case of wanting to dig - in short energetic bursts - which is not so welcome as our drive way is gravel with dirt underneath and we don't really want the whole drive way dug up.

Roxy has been green of jealousy and at first didn't want anything to do with Shadow,. Luckily she has come around now and is even competing with me for Shadow's attention and love instead of snubbing her off and even snarling at her. We do make sure Roxy gets everything first and gets plenty of attention - more than she got before Shadow came and lived with us.

When Roxy was still jealous she broke the fence down and took the puppy onto our block - we got 15 acres of bush and pasture land around our place. However the whole place is under water at the moment and Shadow almost ended up drowning, I'm not sure what that was all about, Roxy has never behaved like that before. I nailed the broken fence and barricaded it with wood to stop the dogs from getting out again but the stupid mutt broke all my work and was about to take off again with Shadow the next day. Luckily I hear the wood falling on the concrete and court Roxy in the act of breaking the fence. She was in big trouble let me assure you - and so far she hasn't tried again.

Anyway I hope everyone is doing okay and has a blesse week awaiting them.

chaoticfirefly · Jul 31, 2016

I'm anxious about moving.

And I dislike Twenty One Pilots but I've had Heathens stuck in my head since my friend played it in her car the other day and it's driving me nuts that I looked it up and it's so annoying.

W2L · Jul 31, 2016

I harvested some corn from my garden today.

I also planted another crop of beans because the groundhog mowed down my first crop and the weeds choked the plants out before they could recover. So I replanted. After a good rainfall the other day and the high temperatures, they are already beginning to sprout. Perhaps I might get a bean crop before fall.

Jeshu · Aug 1, 2016

A strange thing is happening a lot of the time. I like peoples post and then when I read back my likes are gone as if I never made them, and I have to like the post again, how can that be?

Jeshu · Aug 1, 2016

W2L said:
I harvested some corn from my garden today.

I also planted another crop of beans because the groundhog mowed down my first crop and the weeds choked the plants out before they could recover. So I replanted. After a good rainfall the other day and the high temperatures, they are already beginning to sprout. Perhaps I might get a bean crop before fall.

I love beans. Mine just recently sprouted in mid winter and are now little tender plants in my aquaponic system, but I only got six of them and one is tiny yet.

Beans are good food. When I was young my dad use to grow beans, heaps of them, and we would eat just freshly picked beans with a little butter melted over them for dinner. Like a 7 liter pan full of beans. Absolutely delicious, though I did at times get little itchy hives all over my body for a day or so eating so much of the good stuff in one go.

heaLsEarch · Aug 1, 2016

grandvizier1006 said:
I don't know if repeating "13" is the kind of thing God would ask of you, but if it's soothing to you then keep doing it.

I'm sort of autistic, too, but meditation works.

W2L · Aug 1, 2016

Jeshu said:
A strange thing is happening a lot of the time. I like peoples post and then when I read back my likes are gone as if I never made them, and I have to like the post again, how can that be?

I believe that happened to me one time as well. I found myself needing to RE-like posts that I already previously liked

W2L · Aug 1, 2016

Jeshu said:
I love beans. Mine just recently sprouted in mid winter and are now little tender plants in my aquaponic system, but I only got six of them and one is tiny yet.

Beans are good food. When I was young my dad use to grow beans, heaps of them, and we would eat just freshly picked beans with a little butter melted over them for dinner. Like a 7 liter pan full of beans. Absolutely delicious, though I did at times get little itchy hives all over my body for a day or so eating so much of the good stuff in one go.

I like fresh green beans. I cook them but also like eating them raw.

LovebirdsFlying · Aug 1, 2016

Still feeling invisible, unheard, useless, unwanted, and invalidated. Even more now.

W2L · Aug 1, 2016

LovebirdsFlying said:
Still feeling invisible, unheard, useless, unwanted, and invalidated. Even more now.

My old lady says that about me too. Men are sometimes selfish. They don't always see things the way woman see them. I see you though, and hear you.

Yusuphhai · Aug 1, 2016

miserable history and miserable reality. Seldom nations experienced holocaust so many times like China.

But life is going on. Meet new friends but the miserable memory is still true and prompts me to build a hopeful future.

what are you feeling right now? (23)

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