prayer request-need advice

Zoe Girl · Mar 6, 2003

I have a prayer request for a friend of mine.  Long story short, she used to be a Christian (she was the girl who never seemed to do anything wrong, and always had advice when others were in spiritual trouble) but she is now going through some hard times.  She is doubting and avoiding God, but feeling really guilty about it. 

She came to me a couple months ago to tell me a lot of things about her that she was sure I would "hate" her for, none of which I do.  First off, she is anorexic and knows she needs help, but refuses to get any.  Second, she started going out to bars and drinking even though she feels it's wrong of her.  Third, she was so desperate for someone to love her that she started going out with a non-christian twice her age.  He has been using her because he knows she's lonely.  He is verbally abusive and has tried to have sex with her even though she says not to.  Unfortunately, when she drinks she can't really defend herself against his advances and she's afraid that she's been sleeping with him and doesn't remember it.  Basically, she's beating herself up for doing all the things she has been taught are wrong, but she won't talk to anyone except me about them.  I told her I would go with her to get counseling from my pastor and his wife, but she doesn't want to yet (even though she said she needs it).

What my prayer request is, other than praying for her situation, is that she would open her heart to God.  I have invited her to church, but she hasn't come yet.  Today I took several cds of sermons from my church to her (they are all so relevent for her life) and invited her again to church this Sunday.  We used to go to the same church, and we both left around the same time.  Neither of us felt like the church we were in was very relevent for us, but I found a new church which helped to lift me back up.  I know it would help her a lot if I could just get her to come.

The advice I need is this.  She is very anti-social.  When we were growing up, I could never get her to go places or do things with me because she was so anti-social.  She always stayed home (and never invited anybody over).  She is still like that.  When I invite her to church, or out to eat, or anything to get her to hang out with me (note: we really are good friends, it almost sounds like I'm pathetic and she's making up excuses so she doesn't have to hang out with me, but that's not the case) she makes up excuses like she always has "Oh, I have so much homework" or "I told my grandparents I was going to visit them" or anything.  They are all very shallow excuses and I can see right through them, but can't do anything about it. 

Given her personality, what kind of things can I do to convince her to get out of her house (and go to church, college group or whatever)?  I know that if i can get her to hang out with Christians again, she would at least be held more accountable for her actions.  (We don't go out drinking, and we don't sleep around with each other, which is what she is getting from her non-Christian friends.)  The other thing is this, I was really shocked when she told me she was going out to bars a few nights a week.  I couldn't even get her to go to the movies with me, but she managed to get over her anti-social behavior for this guy she's dating!  How can I get that same response from her?  I know there is a Godly, Christian man waiting for her, who will respect her, but she'll never find him if she stays with this loser. 

Anyway, sorry this was so long.  I just really, really want God to work in her heart the next couple days so she'll wake up on Sunday morning and decide that she will come to church. 

Blade · Mar 7, 2003

You have planted a seed, it will grow so have faith. She will see the Jesus in you. Don't stop trying. I will be praying.

JDM · Mar 7, 2003

Mr.Cheese · Mar 7, 2003

Wow. That's really heavy. This sounds like something planted in her at an early age is beginning to reap its destructive pattern. Her isolation you mentioned I think indicates that there has been a problem. Beyond that is way over my head. Definitely pray for her. Continue to be there for her and encourage her. Do the best you can to help her, or help her get help.
Talk to a pastor, or someone who knows psychology, like a counselor. Pastors tend to have a pretty good understanding of stuff like this. You're up against something big that is going to be frustrating for you to fight. Prepare yourself.

wvmtnkid · Mar 7, 2003

Mr.Cheese gave a really good suggestion, talk to your Pastor. Just because she will not talk to a Pastor just yet, it would be good for you to seek council. As Cheese, said Pastors have training and could probably give you some really good advice. Or maybe another person to talk with with be the youth minister or director at your church. They may have had some experience in this area and could provide you with good advice.

Zoe Girl, you have been a good friend to her. But she will have to take the next step. You can't force her. Just continue to offer her your friendship and pray for her. Continue to invite her to do stuff. Hopefully soon she will take you up on it and get back on the right track.

Bsign24 · Mar 7, 2003

This is indeed a very serious problem. :pray:

I know a little bit about being anti-social, I was like that for a while. My advice for you is like Mr Cheese had said, get a Pastor to give advice on the issue as well as some prayer that he might provide also. I always believed though the best way for someone to stop being anti-social is to find something you like and it has other people that like doing it also. The fact that she's going to bars and drinking means that she's trying to find comfort. Pray for her, and continue to talk to her; also pray to God as to what He wants you do and His Holy Spirit will convict you. Also try to share Bible/prayer time with each other, just by yourselves. If you want, you can PM me.
This really touches my heart; God Bless :pray:

Zoe Girl · Mar 7, 2003

Thank you for your prayers and advice, I really appreciate it.  One of the things she was telling me is that her whole life she has looked for love and approval from her dad but hasn't gotten any.  She said she is doing a lot of this as a rebellion against her parents and everything they taught her, knowing full well that she is only harming herself.

I told her, after she came to me with all of this, that I was glad that she was strong enough to talk to me about it, when she was so afraid that I would hate her for it.  I did tell her that I couldn't help her until she was ready to help herself, but that I would be there for her when she is ready. 

Zoe Girl · Mar 7, 2003

It posted when I hit enter, instead of going to the next paragraph, how frusterating!

Anyway, to finish what I was saying, I have considered talking to my pastor about it, or to his wife, who I think would maybe be more sympathetic since she's a woman.  (And I know my friend would be more comfortable talking to his wife, if she ever decides to.)

It's just really hard because when she told me all of this it felt like I was carrying her burdens for her.  I felt like I needed to have all of the solutions, but I didn't really have any.  I talked to my sister-in-law, who worked in youth ministry for several years, and she said that my friend probably told me not because she really wants to change, but because it makes her feel better knowing that someone else knows (and now I'm sharing the burden with her, instead of her carrying it alone.)

Thanks again, I appreciate it. 

Mr.Cheese · Mar 7, 2003

Hmm...
Here is my philosophy on rebellion.
The art of rebellion is producing aggravation without being self-destructive.
It's no good if you end up ruining your life because of someone else. This is probably the greatest reason I didn't get hooked on drugs.
Oddly, her behavior is typical considering her dad. There's something about girls and their dads.
So this girl needs to be more creative in her rebellion. Shave her head, dye her hair green and purple. Wear messed up clothes, pierce her eyebrow 5 times, get a tatoo, listen to noisy music. Stuff like that. So when she's burned off all that steam built up inside her, she will be able to continue living life without a fatherless kid, missing teeth from abuse, a broken marriage, or some other screwed up kind of life.
If you need to rebel, rebel.
Just do it intelligently.
You can read this to her.

*Now Mr.Cheese has another little sister to worry about*

Zoe Girl · Mar 7, 2003

Today at 06:58 PM Mr.Cheese said this in Post #9

So this girl needs to be more creative in her rebellion. Shave her head, dye her hair green and purple. Wear messed up clothes, pierce her eyebrow 5 times, get a tatoo, listen to noisy music. Stuff like that. So when she's burned off all that steam built up inside her, she will be able to continue living life without a fatherless kid, missing teeth from abuse, a broken marriage, or some other screwed up kind of life.
If you need to rebel, rebel.
Just do it intelligently.

hmmmm, I never thought of rebellion like that... I will definitely be talking to her about this one soon.

Bsign24 · Mar 8, 2003

You need not to worry about bearing the burden on your own, for in truth when you let it out for us to know, we now gladly share in the burden. :pray:

I've already sent you a PM. And now that I have more information on the matter, I'll pray for the father also, so maybe there could be some common ground or restitution. You are indeed a good freind to her, continue doing so; God made you her freind in the first place. God Bless :pray:

Zoe Girl · Mar 8, 2003

Well, I just called my friend tonight and she's not doing well at all.  She wasn't really open to talking about it too much, so I didn't pressure her into it.  But based on what she did say, I can tell you that in the past two months she went from doubting God to hating Him.  She's blaming Him for all of her problems, and wants to know why He isn't helping her (and she won't accept that the reason He isn't helping her is because she is approaching Him all wrong.)  Actually, the problem is that she isn't approaching Him at all.

She said she would love to come to church, but has to work every Sunday.   Her work schedule is the same as it has always been, so I know she's just using it as an excuse because she made time for church in the past, she just had to leave a few minutes early to get to work on time.

I'm going to be  praying that she will feel the Holy Spirit's conviction and that it will make her think about her choices and where she is putting her priorities.  She's gone from bad to worse, and I don't want to see it get any more out of control. 

fIdEl · Mar 9, 2003

dont you give up on her..speak to others who love her just as well, pray and continue to show her you love her and you care...i said a little prayer for you just now....im sure she'll come around..but dont give up....you will find your reward...

G@theringIntercessors · Mar 9, 2003

I will be praying that you can bring Jesus to her.  Remember the Holy Spirit walks with you.  I will be praying that God will give you wisdom and the words to speak when you are around her.

Don't let yourself be drug down.  The Lord will guide you.

 

I am off to church but will be lifting you up today.

 

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Bsign24 · Mar 11, 2003

Don't give up on her. And ask God to give you strength, for indeed this is going to be a hard shell to crack. But remember, Christ can heal, both physically and emotionally, His power is still in existence. Continue to pray and love her; for heals all wounds. God Bless.

nomad · Mar 11, 2003

Zoe Girl,

First your friend is really lucky to have a friend like you.  If we all had friends like you the world would be heaven.

I can relate very closely to what your friend is going through.

If your friend has been anti social most of her life she has not aquired the skills to be social, thereby it will take time for her to be confident in being around other people.  Our self esteem depends very much on how others percieve us and how they react to us.  It is why Jesus stressed "love one another" and to paraphrase be "kind, patient understanding and so forth."

Your friends self esteem is probably so low she doesn't have the capacity any more to approach the Lord.  She knows of His holiness and knows she doesn't meet His standard of holiness. This in itself may keep her from Him because she feels so unworthy.

Right now she is probably in a deep cycle of self destruction with respect to her self esteem.  Shes beating herself up inside with some pretty nasty thoughts and believing all of that to be true.  She's blaming God because if she accepts the responsibility as it being her own fault it will make her feel even worse.  We usually react to low self esteem in one of two ways either by anger or withdrawel.  It sounds as if your friend has tried withdrawel and now is trying anger.  Neither are going to work.

Like the other posters have said "don't give up on her".  I really believe she'll come around.  If she has a computor suggest that she get herself involved in a Christian Forum of some kind.  Take a another friend with you the next time you visit with her.  Bribe her to go to church with you.

Ultimately tho, it is going to be her will to cross the threshold.  If she doesn't cross that threshold she will reject you completely and cut you out of her life.  But I sincerally don't believe it will work that way.

I'll pray for your friend with some real understanding.  I will also pray for you.

Mr.Cheese · Mar 11, 2003

Hmm...you get a shovel. You dig a hole. You fall into the hole and break your leg. You get mad at God for Him letting you fall into the hole.
Pray for your friend. I had to hit rock bottom before I figured it out. Thankfully, I managed to get through everything without screwing up my life. Things actually turned out pretty good. Maybe she's got some lessons she's gonna have to learn the hard way.
Hang in there and don't get discouraged. You may have to act as her conscience for a while till her's gets back from vacation.

prayer request-need advice

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