God Wants To Kill Me

angelsfire84 · Apr 15, 2016

So I know the thread topic will make a lot of people angry... And I don't blame you. It makes me angry to see what I am writing.

I remember when I first learned about God. I read the Bible on my own without any help from anyone or any brainwashing from anyone to tell me what was what. I was so passionate about God at that time and proclaiming the Gospel. Once I did join a Church, I did my best to participate in as much as a introvert who had previously hated himself and the world could possibly do. I taught Sunday School Bible Study classes, I was an active Leader in the Youth Group and I was preaching the Gospel anywhere and everywhere I went. The day I came to know the Lord was the day I put away all other things from my life. My addictions to drugs, alcohol and sex. My addictions to anime, video games and fantasy. My addictions to my hatred for myself, my hatred for God and my fear of dying. Everything I gave up and took up the Cross instead.

7 years later and I'm afraid God wants to kill me.

What does that even mean, honestly? I used to follow the Spirits' call no matter where He would send me. If He told me to stop by a homeless person late at night and talk to them about the Gospel, I would. If He told me to give random strangers a ride and talk to them about Gods Love, I would. If He asked me to go preaching in the Flea Market, I'd do that too, with no regard for my life.

Today I feel like I am more afraid of dying than anything. I don't know what's happened to me. My fear is that, if I let the Spirit lead, He will send me to Cambodia, to North Korea, to Africa or some remote tribe out in the middle of nowhere just to get me killed.

I feel like the only thing left of me is to become some sort of sacrifice for the greater good. As if God no longer has any use for me other than to die for His Glory. I'm sure that in dying God would use my death for something great. I don't doubt Gods plan, really. I am just afraid of being sent off to die. I feel like God purposely wants to send me somewhere that I'll be murdered. Maybe in the conflict with ISIS in the Middle East to preach the Gospel and get burned alive or my head stomped on until I die or get my head slowly and tortuously sliced off little by little.

I have honestly never felt this kind of Fear before. It's not even a Fear of the Devil, or Demons, or Spiritual things. I just feel like God 'PERSONALLY' wants to kill me. What is my problem? I can't understand it and I can't understand why I'm thinking this or feeling this way.

The first month of this year, in January 2016, I took off the entire Month and dedicated it entirely to the Lord. I was ready to follow whatever He wanted me to do and go wherever He called. The Truth is that, for a while, I had stopped doing all these things. The reason is because at my old Church I was subtly cast out and pushed away from any positions there because my theology did not align with theirs. I was taken out of the Bible Study position, I was quietly asked to back away from my Youth Leader position and I was subtly told that if I did not believe the theology there, that I wasn't in a good place to be and maybe I should find another Church.

Since that time I really haven't felt compelled to join another Church or do anything worthwhile for the Lord. Not because the desire wasn't there, because it's there every single day. I want to do more. But because seeing everything I had gained to be lost again and everything I was hoping to be a part of be taken away from me, I just didn't feel honest in myself to be able to do anything else.

It was at that point that I fell back in to Sin. Back into sexual sin, primarily. I had a girlfriend who told me she was Christian, who turned out not to be at the end but said so only because she thought Christian men were 'good men' and could take good care of her. She was in fact a Wiccan. I was lied to the whole time... But at that point I didn't even care and I fell into sexual sin with her.

I eventually broke off my relationship with her but I couldn't bring myself to get back in to a Church or fellowship with any other believers. I was living with my parents at that time because they had no jobs and I had to help pay for the bills. Eventually, during that time, my parents fought a lot and chose to move out from there and live on my own. That put tremendous strain on them and the house was soon to be taken away by the bank. I also felt guilty for this and heaped up a whole ton of their suffering on myself as being my fault.

A few years later, they are doing okay and everyone at my old Church is doing okay and I am totally and utterly lost on my own. If at least I believed God still cared for me and wanted me to thrive and do great things in His name, that'd be one thing. The fact is, after falling away as I did in so many places of my walk, I feel that I am no longer redeemable to this world. As if I am no longer fit to do any of His work and that God has essentially lost all His desire to give me anything else to work for Him with.

Every night I go to sleep thinking that I want to serve God, but I simply can't. I wake up thinking that the only thing I'm good for is being a Martyr in His name. Most of the believers I still know are always talking about their missions trips to dangerous places and asking me why I don't go, if I am indeed a Christian. So my only thought is, "I should go." but also "If I go, I will die. God will send someone to kill me for His name." that's all that keeps playing in my head.

There's really no way I can reconcile this with myself or with the Bible. The Bible says we are supposed to give up our own life. We shouldn't want to keep it or save it, just let ourselves die. We are better off walking over into the Middle East and giving up our bodies to ISIS to die brutal and horrible deaths because THAT is what constitutes a TRUE and REAL Christian and THAT is what shows your real FAITH in God and of course, Faith pleases God. So my only choice left is to let myself be murdered. I feel like God wants to murder me.

I don't really know what else to say. I am not angry with God. I don't hate Him. I am not blaming Him. I gave my life over to Him, after all. I believe He has the best plan at heart. I believe I'll go to Heaven when I die.

I am just afraid of Him. I'm afraid that I've lost my usefulness for God and He'd rather just murder me and be done with it because I have nothing else to offer to Him in this world. I've lived out my usefulness in being useless and the only way God will get any use out of me is if He kills me Himself by calling me into a Missions trip somewhere far away in a dangerous place, where I will be murdered for His name.

I can't deal with this anymore. I don't know what to do. I can't think straight anymore. I can't focus on God. I can't talk to Him because I feel like He is done listening.

What's wrong with me???

<Staff Edit>

Ultima4257 · Apr 15, 2016

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are dealing with multiple layers that are causing a lot of strain overall. First of all, God isn't trying to physically kill you, but He does want to kill your flesh and all these mindsets that make you feel this way since they have paralyzed you. My first piece of advice is try to tune out the world, specifically the news. It sounds like you have a lot of fear from what is going on in the world, I myself have this problem and we shouldn't feed it. Secondly, martyrdom is a mindset. I don't believe God wishes anyone be physically martyred, otherwise why would He have told us to pray for our government so that it may go well with us. Finally, you are not useless to God! He still has a plan for you on this earth, but it sounds like there may need to be a time of healing and refreshing in your life. I ask that God would reveal His love to you and show you your true identity in Christ and who He really is.

Endtime Survivors · Apr 16, 2016

angelsfire84 said:
The fact is, after falling away as I did in so many places of my walk, I feel that I am no longer redeemable to this world.

angelsfire84 said:
I used to follow the Spirits' call no matter where He would send me. If He told me to stop by a homeless person late at night and talk to them about the Gospel, I would. If He told me to give random strangers a ride and talk to them about Gods Love, I would. If He asked me to go preaching in the Flea Market, I'd do that too, with no regard for my life.

These two parts of your post are what most stood out to me. It reminds me very much of this part from the Revelation, "Rev 14:3-4 And they sung as it were a new song before the throne, and before the four beasts, and the elders: and no man could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. These are they which follow the Lamb whithersoever he goeth. These were redeemed from among men, being the firstfruits unto God and to the Lamb."

Notice the comparisons I've made in bold. The kind of faith you have, if it's really as you describe it, is incredibly valuable to God and he will redeem such faith for himself, but only so far as you are still willing to go where ever and do what ever the lamb tells you to do.

Also, you're not insane. You're suffering from a combination of fear, "poor-me's" , condemnation, and double mindedness. I have the feeling there's something deeper happening here (like maybe you think more highly of your loyalty to God than you should) or perhaps you just need a good kick in the bottom.
For example, you say...

angelsfire84 said:
I feel like the only thing left of me is to become some sort of sacrifice for the greater good. As if God no longer has any use for me other than to die for His Glory.

But then you also say...

angelsfire84 said:
I'm afraid that I've lost my usefulness for God and He'd rather just murder me and be done with it because I have nothing else to offer to Him in this world.

You put yourself down (i.e. God has no more use for me) while lifting yourself up (i.e. my death will definitely glorify God). It sounds remarkably similar to Peter's issue when he was rebuked by Jesus (Matthew 16:21-23). Jesus had just finished talking about his own martyrdom but Peter rebuked him for it, arguing that Jesus shouldn't die. Jesus' response? "Get behind me Satan".

Perhaps it's time for you to say something similar.

Thir7ySev3n · Apr 16, 2016

Reading this, I felt like one of Job's friends listening silently and full of assumptions, but with the wisdom of the scolding of God that followed reminding me to not have zeal without knowledge, nor be hasty and miss the way (Proverbs 19:2). I can suggest many things I do not know with certainty, nor can assert with great confidence. But I would rather tell you what I do know, and that is in part to second what Ultima has stated above and also to satisfy your question that yes, this notion is ridiculous (not you, but this idea you have). You are never useless to God. You are not useless to God because you are not a utility which expires when it no longer serves some merely functional purpose. You are made in the image of God to interact in relationship with Him, to enjoy His love and to reciprocate that love by following His commandments (John 14:15). As long as you are a human being and have life within you, you are useful by default in that you can always fulfill this purpose at any time in any place. Certainly there are better times and better places than other times and places, but in all circumstances you still possess the infinite love of God and His image that pervades your entire being.

You seem to indicate that you do not possess the belief that God is angry or vengeful towards you but rather exclusively fear this providential orchestration of your unfavourable end because you suspect that you have no other means to satisfy God or bring Him glory. This is certainly not Scripturally founded, so the only thing I could infer is that you possess a personal feeling of inadequacy that is being projected onto yourself from a sort of third-person perspective, assuming that the first-person is God when both the first and third-person are just you. I don't mean to say that I think you are necessarily insecure. What I mean by feeling inadequate is that you have expressed your lack of involvement in church and ministry, and I see from your Marital status you are currently single. So you have no current occupations in any kind of ministry, whether it be family, church or street evangelism and thus are currently comprehensively uninvolved. It sounds to me like you simply perceive the current impact of your life as non-existent and are demotivated to pursue a fulfilling, efficacious ministry you can engage in that requires the energy of a consistently vigorous and living person. So martyrdom has become to you an obsession that allows you to imagine satisfying and ministering for God in a powerful way that circumvents these other ministries that have frustrated you and you feel you failed in.

This is just my personal, yet informed analysis. What is important whether what I suggested is or isn't the case for you is that you continue to go to God in prayer with the spirit of Job that says "How I long for the months gone by, for the days when God watched over me, when his lamp shone on my head and by his light I walked through darkness! Oh, for the days when I was in my prime, when God’s intimate friendship blessed my house...(Job 29:2-4)" This is what God desires. Despite all of Job's righteousness and wisdom, He still suffered in feeling in some sense targeted by God, yet He never lost trust or hope in Him (Job 13:15). He was one of those faithful whom Paul had used as an example in his case that without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6). So you can be sure that you are already glorifying God by holding on in assurance to what you received in the Gospel (Revelations 3:3). God desires that we take our brokenness and fear to Him, to cast all of our anxiety upon Him (1 Peter 5:7); To surrender ourselves entirely in a broken and contrite heart (Psalms 51:17). Remember that you can serve God in a plethora of ways while you live, and find some way to apply yourself in these ways. Then you should find peace in your soul through the satisfying of your hunger for the glory of God, which is a blessed gift of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). I pray in agreement with Paul that "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13)."

vinsight4u · Apr 16, 2016

aiki · Apr 16, 2016

angelsfire84 said:
Every night I go to sleep thinking that I want to serve God, but I simply can't. I wake up thinking that the only thing I'm good for is being a Martyr in His name. Most of the believers I still know are always talking about their missions trips to dangerous places and asking me why I don't go, if I am indeed a Christian. So my only thought is, "I should go." but also "If I go, I will die. God will send someone to kill me for His name." that's all that keeps playing in my head.

There's really no way I can reconcile this with myself or with the Bible. The Bible says we are supposed to give up our own life. We shouldn't want to keep it or save it, just let ourselves die. We are better off walking over into the Middle East and giving up our bodies to ISIS to die brutal and horrible deaths because THAT is what constitutes a TRUE and REAL Christian and THAT is what shows your real FAITH in God and of course, Faith pleases God. So my only choice left is to let myself be murdered. I feel like God wants to murder me.

I don't really know what else to say. I am not angry with God. I don't hate Him. I am not blaming Him. I gave my life over to Him, after all. I believe He has the best plan at heart. I believe I'll go to Heaven when I die.

I am just afraid of Him. I'm afraid that I've lost my usefulness for God and He'd rather just murder me and be done with it because I have nothing else to offer to Him in this world. I've lived out my usefulness in being useless and the only way God will get any use out of me is if He kills me Himself by calling me into a Missions trip somewhere far away in a dangerous place, where I will be murdered for His name.

<SE>
I can't deal with this anymore. I don't know what to do. I can't think straight anymore. I can't focus on God. I can't talk to Him because I feel like He is done listening.

What's wrong with me???

Life gets really confusing and messed up when we don't have a fixed point of reference for our thinking and beliefs. So, what's the fixed point of reference for the disciple of Christ? The Bible.

2 Timothy 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,
17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

If you let your thoughts and feelings tell you what's what and direct you in your decision-making and perception of reality, walking with God is going to be more or less for you as it presently is. So, looking at Scripture, what does it tell you about the things you're thinking and feeling? Do your thoughts and feelings line up with the truth of God's word? I can tell you that they don't. Not at all, really. What, then, are you going to believe? What you think and feel, or what God has said?

Psalms 119:104-105
104 Through Your precepts I get understanding; Therefore I hate every false way.
105 Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.

Selah.

Goodbook · Apr 16, 2016

Maybe God wants you to profess belief in his son Jesus who died for us again.

When you got with the wiccan girl, if you slept with her demons may have been transferred in your sleep. It may be these that are telling you different things in your head. You need to cast them out. Plead the blood of jesus who washes away all sin. Ask His forgiveness, youve already confessed it to us and that is the first step.

Praying for you.

orangeness365 · Apr 16, 2016

I've had thoughts about getting myself killed while passing out Bibles in the Middle East somewhere too. I'm too much of a coward to ever follow through with it though. I thought of it mainly because I wanted to commit suicide. I'll be honest, I still think about suicide every day for years now. I thought to myself that I would go do that if I outlived everyone in my family, but like I said, I'm too much of a coward to ever follow through with it. I've thought about it, and I later came to the conclusion that since I've never been good at telling people about the gospel that getting a job and giving to charities that help the underground church. Sure I would not be the one spreading the word, but I would be supporting people that do. There is a charity for the international christian church that helps the persecuted church. I don't have it in me to spread the gospel, but I thought, maybe I could help those that do, like at this website.
http://www.persecution.org/

aiki · Apr 16, 2016

orangeness365 said:
I don't have it in me to spread the gospel,

Doesn't the Holy Spirit live within you? If He does, you have all the power you need to do all that God commands you to do.

Selah.

angelsfire84 · Apr 17, 2016

Reading some hurtful comments and some helpful ones... Then reading my statements over...

The other day, I recorded a video and posted it up on my social media. It is in regards to my testimony. How God called me out of Sin and in to the presence of Jesus. As i recall everything that has passed, I understand that my fear is a very unfair one. That's because my 'Fear' created a circumstance for God to hate me. I had believed God hated me before I was saved. So my Fear brought me back to the same place.

The Truth is, I have a hard time trusting anyone. It was impossible to trust God before He opened my eyes. When He called me out of my life of Sin, I trusted Him with everything. I didn't care what I lost, as I had stated above. I was doing what I thought was 'well' in my life, in regards to status and position and ability to do things I thought were more important for 'HIS' sake... But I somehow thought that was more important than my relationship with Him.

I let myself believe that God hated me or was angry with me or had just enough of my failures and remove me from all those things. Rather than trusting Him and believing that He had and still has something different or better in mind for me.

For those saying I thought highly of myself, I think you have it backwards. I only say I know that even in my death, God can use that for something to Glorify Himself and that's because God never lets the blood of His children go to waste. Not because I felt my LOYALTY was higher than anyone else's or greater than it should be. I did have some moments of self-pity though. I just don't want to die. I want to live a long time and do a lot of things for God. That is my honest heart. Dying soon, at least in my selfish view, means I wouldn't be able to do what I 'WANT' to do for God. But I realize that's not the same as doing what God wants me to do for Him.

Every time I fall in to Sin, every time I mess up and stumble, I feel like I move farther and father from God... But I realize now that this isn't the case... If I can really trust Jesus as I say I do, as I have in the past, then why would He purposely wish to harm me? If He desires for me to do great things in His name, why would He purposely send me into a place I consider Hell if I am not ready for it? Some people might disagree with this, but I have seen the differences in which God uses people. Not everyone is meant for the same Ministry, that's for sure...

That isn't to say that God might not use me in this way sometime down the future, but I figure by that time I would have come to the point where I would agree with God in His decision and let myself be used by Him to the fullest, even if it meant dying for His name sake... Rather than feeling that God wants to murder or kill me, I hope that I can feel like God wants to use my life and my death as a message to the world and as a testimony to those who don't believe... At least one day I hope so...

I just got very afraid... Because I see the way the world is today... The evil that people are doing and the great Joy they take in doing this evil and not a single person lifts a finger to defend or help... So that scared me. I felt like God would forcefully send me, unprepared and unready into a place like that, to die like a dog... But why would He enjoy my suffering like the rest of the wicked world? No, I've known God for too long to start accusing Him of such unfair things. It's my own Fear that has lied to me...

Thank you for everyone who shared openly with me about the things which could help me or which you think I might have been struggling with. Thanks for not writing me off and hating me more than I already learned to hate myself.

GOD DOES -NOT- WANT TO KILL ME OR MURDER ME!

He wants to use me and my life for a greater purpose and He wants to cast out all of the Fear and Doubt in my heart so I can see Him more clearly and more honestly. I hide too much from Him sometimes and I hide too much from the world, so I know He is trying to help me fight this Fear. This feels like it will be my greatest challenge but maybe it'll also be my greatest Joy once I've finally learned to trust Him enough to get over my Fear...

Thank you all again... Many blessings in Jesus name...

<3

aiki · Apr 17, 2016

angelsfire84 said:
I just got very afraid...

1 John 4:16-19
16 And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.
17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
19 We love Him because He first loved us.

Luke 15:18-24
18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you,
19 and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants." '
20 And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.
21 And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.'
22 But the father said to his servants, 'Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet.
23 And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry;
24 for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' And they began to be merry.

Selah.

ToBeLoved · Apr 17, 2016

aiki said:
Life gets really confusing and messed up when we don't have a fixed point of reference for our thinking and beliefs. So, what's the fixed point of reference for the disciple of Christ? The Bible.

2 Timothy 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,
17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

If you let your thoughts and feelings tell you what's what and direct you in your decision-making and perception of reality, walking with God is going to be more or less for you as it presently is. So, looking at Scripture, what does it tell you about the things you're thinking and feeling? Do your thoughts and feelings line up with the truth of God's word? I can tell you that they don't. Not at all, really. What, then, are you going to believe? What you think and feel, or what God has said?

Psalms 119:104-105
104 Through Your precepts I get understanding; Therefore I hate every false way.
105 Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.

Selah.

I think this is a good point. We have to stand on something and I stand on God's promises when my thoughts or feelings start running away from me. Because we are to also find rest in God. It is not a sprint to the finish line, but pacing ones self. Growing in the Lord and letting sanctification come, naturally and not because we think we should.

If you think your theology may be getting off course, you can try a good study Bible or one of the Commentary's like Matthew Henry's Commenatary. Also, pray before reading the Bible, that you will understand what God means and that you will draw insight. God has your back.

God bless.

Walk WITH God, not FOR God.

Jenniferdiana · Apr 17, 2016

Hey God doesn't want to kill anyone. He wants to save his people and show the world his righteousness.

Endtime Survivors · Apr 17, 2016

angelsfire84 said:
If He desires for me to do great things in His name

Hi AF. I'm curious as to what you mean by "great things".

Sketcher · Apr 18, 2016

If God wanted you dead, he could easily demand your life from you without your needing to go on a trip. IF he has marytrdom for you, you obviously need to be alive and obedient to be martyred. But this doesn't sound like that. You feel as if you're worthless to God outside of martyrdom. That's not from God. That sounds like the devil deceiving you in order to derail you. And he's a persistent nuisance with that one. Something similar happened with a friend of mine. He was worried that God would demand a very intense persecution scenario of him that he couldn't bear, and he let that drive a wedge between him and God, even though that scenario could not be realistically expected of him at that point in his life. It took a while for that wedge to manifest itself, but it did, and he was worse off for it.

John Davidson · Apr 18, 2016

I worry more about dying of a heart attack.

ToBeLoved · Apr 18, 2016

John Davidson said:
I worry more about dying of a heart attack.

That could happen too.

Or a stroke, which people can loose the feeling in parts of their body after.

It is not good.

John Davidson · Apr 18, 2016

ToBeLoved said:
That could happen too.

Or a stroke, which people can loose the feeling in parts of their body after.

It is not good.

I had a heart attack about a year ago, so that is why I'm concerned.

Lulav · Apr 18, 2016

This Thread has gone through a clean
up of unkind and unnecessary posts.
If you see a problem, Report it
Don't discuss it in Thread.
This is the Advice forum, Please
post according to the rules
and No Flaming!
THANK YOU

John Davidson · Apr 18, 2016

My advice to the OP is this: If you want to be a missionary then that is very noble and I say go for it. Don't worry about dying or being martyred. We are all going to die someday one way or another. Many of the apostles were martyred for their faith in Christ. So if Christ gives you the ability to boldly proclaim the gospel in a foreign country then that is noble. Have no fear because perfect love casts out all fear. When you die you will be in paradise.

God bless,
John

God Wants To Kill Me

Returner

Regular Member

prophecy link in my profile!

Psalm 139

Contributor

Regular Member

Reading the Bible

Well-Known Member

Regular Member

Returner

Regular Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

prophecy link in my profile!

Born Imperishable

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Y'shua is His Name

Well-Known Member

Similar threads