Ok, a bit of history - I was taken to church services since I was before the age of four. Baptised as an infant, sunday schooled. But I never was really interest in joining youth organisations, the only thing I was willing to do was go to Sunday School. So unlike most teens I was never in a youth fellowship and just stopped going to church during my teens. I went a few times as a teen, completely by myself - unfamiliar churches too. Folks talked to me a bit after the service then pointed at a door and said there's the youth fellowship in there. Well for one thing I wasn't walking in there not knowing anyone! So I drifted. I still listened to loads of CCM music. I wasn't into anything else really (except renting out videos, reading mags ). Pretty depressed at times at not going anywhere and being asked about my weekends, and generally feeling like oddity. So just I just felt a total freak to other christians when they asked me things. Anyway I suppose I should have just got into the youth fellowship and there'd have been no probs. I wanted to be in something, but it never worked out, just my personality I suppose, a bit independent? I seen the "christian" kids at school who were part of christian groups and they didn't impress me much how they got on with each other anyway. Anyway teens can be immature.
So now in my forties and been through some atheistic phases, but really no idea what I quite believe, even though I know about loads of theology.
I 've just been trying to get into a church for a bit but I find myself still critical of churches and christians to be honest.
I used to call myself a christian, and say I was if asked, but now I feel hesitant.
Well, dms1972, I've been in similar states of spiritual displacement over the years, with similar experiences of alienation or disconnection from other Christians, loneliness, volitional isolation, depression, feeling like an oddity, and critical of the various limitations of American churchianity.
While I can't say that I have yet overcome all of these disparities in my spiritual life, I've learned to tone down my expectations of fellow people in society, as well as moderate my expectations of those who profess, and attempt, to be Christians. Much of the discomfort that walking into a church comes, I think, in knowing that someone will disagree with me and make an issue out of it, or leaders will make mistakes and disrupt the social equilibrium that seemed to make the church attractive. So, I've come to expect these kinds of things, and I've learned that these are not new issues regarding sin, but old tired ones that have plagued Christians since time immemorial (i.e. even since the 1st century church).
Some of your (and my) psychological discomfort actually comes from the fact that since we live in America, people are prone to becoming highly polarized on social and political issues, as well as be fragmented in their perspectives due to the pluralistic political environment our nation subscribes to. So, some of the psychological discomfort we feel is natural in a social environment where everyone has the potential to ideologically "bump heads," so to speak, every single day.
What I would suggest, DMS, is to start where you're at, even by yourself, today, and know that each day you live, while in the present, existential moment, you have been given a position to have the Gospel message (i.e. the Bible) readily (and easily) available for grasping in your hands and heart (...an availability that has been more than ample for you, as you've already shared in your post).
Also, try to realize that the schemes of the Devil really and truly are designed to smack you down by provoking you with thoughts and feelings of discontent and unrest, prodding you to want "more fulfillment" in not only your spiritual life, but also within your life in general. The truth is, life is difficult, and it has always been difficult for most people living in most places and eras; it was even difficult for Jesus and His earliest disciples. Difficulty is typically a common malady, even among Christians, and those who present themselves to us as if things are going very well spiritually are, many times, either covering up their sins or simply not sharing that they are indeed suffering.
I appreciate your honesty in sharing your feelings on all of this, DMS. And as I said, I've been through very similar 'troughs' in life, and it ain't fun. But this by no means indicates that you're not being called by Jesus, or that He is for some reason side-stepping you. Rather, it just means that the Christian path in life is narrow, requiring your perseverance and willingness to accept some discomfort as you learn how to overcome some of the epistemological or physical obstacles you encounter along ... "the Way."
Peace
2PhiloVoid
