Wedding after kids having private ceremony?

TurtleSurfer · Jun 8, 2015

My daughter and boyfriend got engaged last year. They had planned to get married in October. We all went out and checked out venues and places to have her perfect wedding. Now, they are talking about getting married privately in the next 2 weeks, without us and his parents, solely because they "cannot live without each other anymore". I feel like the original intent of the wedding is now being overshadowed by their physical need to be together. The venue has already been booked and several purchases have been made. I don't see the point now of walking my daughter down the aisle and giving her away to someone who she is already married to. This would seem very awkward to me knowing they are already married, living together, and doing what married people do. We've already talked about this and I told her I don't feel comfortable doing this for her, after she changed up the plans we had from the beginning. I told her we could cancel this and have a vow renewal ceremony next year celebrating their 1 year anniversary. She said she doesn't want to because his family is wanting to be a part of it in October. We (daughter, fiance', my wife and I) agreed we would have the best wedding for them if they didn't mind the wait, so we could afford this.

Aibrean · Jun 8, 2015

You shouldn't have any issues with it.

1 Corinthians 7:9
But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

They don't need to even do an official ceremony. I think it's nice that they would consider something to that end. I've attended one like that and it was for a military couple and they wanted to be able to live together as he was getting transferred out and she could only afford to go with him if she was married (to live on base). It was seriously about a normal as a ceremony could get. It probably crossed very few minds that they were already married.

Albion · Jun 8, 2015

TurtleSurfer said:
My daughter and boyfriend got engaged last year. They had planned to get married in October. We all went out and checked out venues and places to have her perfect wedding. Now, they are talking about getting married privately in the next 2 weeks, without us and his parents, solely because they "cannot live without each other anymore". I feel like the original intent of the wedding is now being overshadowed by their physical need to be together. The venue has already been booked and several purchases have been made. I don't see the point now of walking my daughter down the aisle and giving her away to someone who she is already married to. This would seem very awkward to me knowing they are already married, living together, and doing what married people do. We've already talked about this and I told her I don't feel comfortable doing this for her, after she changed up the plans we had from the beginning. I told her we could cancel this and have a vow renewal ceremony next year celebrating their 1 year anniversary. She said she doesn't want to because his family is wanting to be a part of it in October. We (daughter, fiance', my wife and I) agreed we would have the best wedding for them if they didn't mind the wait, so we could afford this.

FWIW, my feeling is that daughter and boyfriend are behaving very badly, selfishly, thoughtlessly, etc. but there probably is nothing you can do about it.

Other people have done exactly what you've described, so you could suck it up and play along. OTOH, you could play along but decline to pay for everything that is customarily underwritten by the bride's parents since, after all, she won't actually be a single woman when that day in October rolls around. That event will amount to a reaffirmation of vows, even though it will have the look of a wedding.

Anyway, it's not uncommon for people to do it her way, if that's any consolation.

TurtleSurfer · Jun 8, 2015

I feel like they are acting the same way and using us and his parents. Yeah, nothing I can do about it, it was just the principle of the fact that we've already shelled out money for this "dream wedding" and it won't really have much significance. I understand this is some kind of new thing, but running off to have a private ceremony without their parents, then expecting us to pay for this fake wedding and for us all to enjoy this moment with them has really broke our hearts. She was my only daughter and I was hoping to give her away properly and she said at the venue she could see her and I making this incredible entrance together as I walked her down. Because of their decision, to me, it's meaningless. If this was the plan from the beginning, then we could've done something smaller, like a reception if they had decided on the private ceremony, and used the extra money to help them towards a house or something as a wedding gift.

Goodbook · Jun 8, 2015

Is your daughter and her fiance christian? Who is going to marry them?

Goodbook · Jun 8, 2015

If she is, at the very least, they ought to have some kind of premarital counselling.
If they are both christians and were going to get married in church, I think they would want to honor their parents.

If not, only thing you can do is pray for both of them. It doesnt seem right for you to pay for their wedding if they already cant wait and just got hitched without you giving your daughter away. Thats just seems really sad to me. Maybe thats happening because people see others doing it that way, so they want to follow? Do you know her fiance well?

BFine · Jun 9, 2015

How will you show agape to your daughter and son in-law in this matter?
Suggested reading:
The Biblical account of the Prodigal son...
The Father didn't fight his son's
request, he gave the young man his inheritance
who consequently squandered it.
The Father knew his son was making a bad decision.

The Father "abided", the erring son returned
to his Father's home...The Father received him
affectionately, wrapped his arms around his dirty, smelly child--ordered the best robe for him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his
feet-- see the agape the Father extends to his
child who'd done wrong? The Father didn't take
a hardline, he choose to walk in agape(love).
..won't you prayerfully consider reflecting agape to your child instead of taking offense to their decision to have two weddings-- one private and a traditional wedding, that includes their loved ones.

Dave-W · Jun 9, 2015

2 of my daughters (the twins) did that exact thing. An early wedding and then a later large celebration.

It is becoming increasingly popular to do that.

TurtleSurfer · Jun 9, 2015

Goodbook said:
Is your daughter and her fiance christian? Who is going to marry them?

They are Christians, however they are not acting like it right now. They are currently living together, which is why I think they wish to hurry up and get married to make it look like they aren't "shacking up".

They have had only one counseling session with their pastor. He told them that couples do this all the time (get married with their pastor, then have a wedding later on), however this is the first time I've heard of this kind of thing happening. I was under the impression once you're married, even in private, that you are still married, which is why I'm not comfortable walking my already married daughter down an aisle and giving her away.

I've only met her fiance twice. He does seem like a great guy, however when I discussed their plans with them on getting married and when we were having a wedding, he agreed to the times we did. I know they are adults and can do their own thing, but when I'm paying for all of this, I feel like some respect should be given knowing what kind of day they are wanting.

There's no doubt I believe in agape love. As her father, I've watched her make mistake after mistake in her adult life. She has come to me and I've given her the best advice I could and forgave her. I pointed her the right direction and she went the other way many times. This pattern has repeated for 5 years to the point that she had ANOTHER engagement last year that was broken off by the groom. With this new one (see how she's jumping so quickly into another relationship?), I gave her the best advice to take things slow, guard your heart, not to rush into anything (like she's done in the past 5 years), and build a strong foundation with this new guy. Within 3 weeks, they were engaged. So, here we go with spending for wedding #2. Her mom and I laid out the plan with them for this wedding to make their day special. However, she's rushing into another quick decision, abandoning the plan we had for them. Her actions make me feel like my advice and guidance don't really matter. In her eyes, I'm wrong and she's right, but yet she wants what she wants and doesn't want to wait for the things that will make it worth while.

TurtleSurfer · Jun 9, 2015

DaveW-Ohev said:
2 of my daughters (the twins) did that exact thing. An early wedding and then a later large celebration.

It is becoming increasingly popular to do that.

Was it 2 weddings though? I'm fine with my daughter getting married in a private ceremony with her pastor and then us having a reception (or like you said celebration). However, I'm not seeing the point in getting married privately, and then dressing up as it never happened and going through all of the wedding formalities.

Wow, I didn't know it was a popular thing to do recently. I've yet to attend a wedding where the couple is already married. I guess this is new to me.

Dave-W · Jun 9, 2015

My middle daughter S was married in a private ceremony with a base chaplain(husband was in Navy) about 6 months before we held the big formal affair. There were practical and economic reasons to do so. I was somewhat hesitant for the 2 step process, but went along anyway. Most everyone except immediate family thought it was a proper full wedding.

My youngest daughter L did the same thing a couple of years later but for very different reasons. L and her husband (also in the Navy) were wed in a civil courthouse a week before the big celebration which again looked to everyone like a full formal wedding. In her case, it was to keep a congregational marriage off the books and the licence being civil would not stand in the way of the couple emigrating to Israel. (He is sephardic Jewish) For him to get married in a church or messianic synagogue would throw a serious roadblock in that process.

ken777 · Jun 9, 2015

TurtleSurfer said:
My daughter and boyfriend got engaged last year. They had planned to get married in October. We all went out and checked out venues and places to have her perfect wedding. Now, they are talking about getting married privately in the next 2 weeks, without us and his parents, solely because they "cannot live without each other anymore". I feel like the original intent of the wedding is now being overshadowed by their physical need to be together. The venue has already been booked and several purchases have been made. I don't see the point now of walking my daughter down the aisle and giving her away to someone who she is already married to. This would seem very awkward to me knowing they are already married, living together, and doing what married people do. We've already talked about this and I told her I don't feel comfortable doing this for her, after she changed up the plans we had from the beginning. I told her we could cancel this and have a vow renewal ceremony next year celebrating their 1 year anniversary. She said she doesn't want to because his family is wanting to be a part of it in October. We (daughter, fiance', my wife and I) agreed we would have the best wedding for them if they didn't mind the wait, so we could afford this.

In our small independent church, it is normal for a couple to get married first in a private civil ceremony to satisfy legal requirements, followed by a larger church wedding.

The reason for this is that we do not hold with the state requirements necessary to obtain a marriage celebrants licence so no one in our church is able to legally officiate at a wedding. For us being married in the sight of God is a religious ceremony.

.

Albion · Jun 9, 2015

TurtleSurfer said:
I feel like they are acting the same way and using us and his parents. Yeah, nothing I can do about it, it was just the principle of the fact that we've already shelled out money for this "dream wedding" and it won't really have much significance. I understand this is some kind of new thing, but running off to have a private ceremony without their parents, then expecting us to pay for this fake wedding and for us all to enjoy this moment with them has really broke our hearts. She was my only daughter and I was hoping to give her away properly and she said at the venue she could see her and I making this incredible entrance together as I walked her down. Because of their decision, to me, it's meaningless. If this was the plan from the beginning, then we could've done something smaller, like a reception if they had decided on the private ceremony, and used the extra money to help them towards a house or something as a wedding gift.

BFine and Ken do address a point worth considering, though. While civil ceremonies are recognized by the church as valid marriages, there is a trend developing, because of gay marriages and the threat of lawsuits being brought against pastors who would decline to perform them, etc. , for churches to ENCOURAGE an unceremonious civil ceremony first, to handle the legal issue, then to be followed by the marriage in the church...which is the religious/spiritual wedding.

If you were to look at the second one as the "real" one in God's eyes, you might be able to think of the whole process in a different way and be happy enough with it, even though it's not what any of us grew up thinking was how things work.

.

Goodbook · Jun 9, 2015

They are living together? Fornicating?
Is she pregnant?

I have heard of some couples just dont want to wait...but this is red flag.

Well, if they are both christians, then of course you can show them the scripture of honoring mother and father, and those that do live a long life! Unless shes planning on cutting her life short, but then she needs the fear of God put in her. Paul,said it was better to marry than to burn though. Also women are saved through childbearing. I think hes talking bout wayward women here. Once they have children, they realise that their haste to be coupled results in 9 months pregnancy where they cant do much anyway. If the guy is a deadbeat, at least they have a precious child to love.
But it may be the case of, marry in haste, repent at leisure.

Shes not fooling anyone. I have been to a wedding where the bride is pregnant and showing. Also, one of my aunties (i have several) got married to a guy, turns out her slept with her before they were married, his motive was not love, just to get residency. She hadnt known him for long. They had two children, and then several years later he cheated on her. I think she was already pregnant when they married.

He died of cancer when the eldest was about 12.

Im not saying its the case with your daughter, but it could be. Otherwise why the deception? You might want to check out this guy a bit more. My grandma though went along with my aunties marriage even though she knew it would all end in tears. My grandad had passed away so she never got to be given away by her dad.

My own parents, my mum was given away by proxy as her parents didnt even attend as she was in different country. Doesnt your daughter need a witness at the private ceremony? Arent you invited???

Goodbook · Jun 9, 2015

Ive always known there that ppl do have two ceremonies as it is, one to be registered, and another, if they religious, in church. But thats usually the same day. Most ppl have it combined.
I know a pastors daughter who had her wedding early, the couple were young and just wanted to be together. So they moved the whole wedding forward so they could do this.

How far apart are the two ceremonies?

Albion · Jun 9, 2015

Goodbook said:
How far apart are the two ceremonies?

3 1/2 - 4 months, according to the OP. I agree that, the longer the gap, the harder it is to have the second ceremony appear to friends and family to be what is hoped for. In time, it begins to look like a reaffirmation of vows, regardless of the trappings and what it's called.

However, this may still be the best way "out" of the impasse.

Goodbook · Jun 9, 2015

I havent heard of it like that, but I do know one of my uncles had two weddings on in each country for both families sake. (Hong kong and nz) they werent that far apart though.

I think maybe talk with the pastor who is advising them your concerns. See what he has to say. This is important i mean as the dad you want to give your blessing.

If it were me, Id have a private ceremony, invite my dad to be there and be given away, and then later have small reception, use the money that would have been spent on the church wedding invitation to go towards the honeymoon or house, but i wouldnt wait 3 months to do a whole big church wedding?! Thats a bit crazy.

Im thinking this pastor..do you know very well? It wasnt just someone they picked out of a hat?!

Goodbook · Jun 9, 2015

If were legally married 3 months down the track she might change her mind. You dont know. Just be praying if its the case. Im concerned that the pastor is advising them them the wrong thing.

Goodbook · Jun 9, 2015

I dont know what a 'perfect wedding' looks like in your eyes, the important thing here is they mean their vows. Do they actually say them in the civil ceremony or they just sign the paper?
I have been to a civil cermeony when was realy young, the couple were older. They asked me to be their flower girl lol. But it was not a church wedding and there were no flowers or anything like that...i think I got gypped! Lol.

Some people think perfect wedding is getting all dressed up, cutting cake, having bridesmaids, grooms and ushers. Unbelievers do that...live together first, have baby, then get married. They not fooling anyone, but they still do it. My flatmate did that. Btw they didnt invite me. I think they couldnt afford to.

I think price you pay for fornicating is you dont have a real honeymoon and therefore any church wedding ceremony is going to be fake..she would feel convicted in her heart, cos you wear white for a reason. When friend from church got married as she and her boyrfiend were livng together already, had baby, as they do in my country...the pastor challenged her to get right with God and thats how she was born again and saved. Her hubby then followed soon after and they now solid christians.

I looked at her wedding photos and she wasnt wearing white cos she knew she wasnt pure then, so she was being honest bout that.

TurtleSurfer · Jun 9, 2015

Yes, they are living together. That started last week. I gently told her that wasn't good for them and it would hurt their testimony/appearance and that's when they decided they would go ahead and get married here soon. Pregnant? Not sure, however I doubt they would tell us regardless. They said their pastor is marrying them privately, so they said they wouldn't actually tell us when it was, but still wanted to have the wedding in October. I agree with Albion. October isn't really a wedding, but a reaffirmation of vows. The whole wedding charade now seems diminished after all the bookings and money spent for their "special" day. I know that money could have been used as you said for gifts and such. Their choice isn't based on military leave or being distant from each other, therefore I feel the agreement to which we all talked about their wedding plans is being compromised by their actions. With that, I'm really thinking about withdrawing certain portions of the ceremony and asking them to take care of it. I love them and want the best for them and living together blatantly and then having a private ceremony to make it "right" really makes me disappointed in them, especially knowing what all we were going to do for their actual wedding day.

Wedding after kids having private ceremony?

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