I don't think I'm saved.
Yes, I know, all I need is to have faith and repentance or a loud saying "Jesus is Lord" and believe in my heart but...I have a few issues that feel like multiple roadblocks in these situations.
I have OCD and of course I've worried over every tiny little aspect of salvation to the point where I'm worn out.
Conviction is probably the first thing of my issues. When I sin, i.e. lying...after that happens I could walk to my seat thinking "Okay that was a sin but...why didn't I feel bad?" Isn't some sort of godly sorrow supposed to make me feel ashamed? I'm not by any means saying I'm proud to sin but when I do sin, and don't feel bad, I some times think it is pride...can you relate to this?
One thing that usually brings me down is stories or testimonies that were swept and brought down to their knees crying out with tear stained faces praying that God forgive them for their wrongdoings and that they are just....miserable...with the fact that their sin put Jesus on the cross. I sometimes hear of people who live with hatred towards sin. But when it comes to me...all I know is my 'uh-oh's' qualified me to go to a bad place but a man named Jesus died for me so I won't have to go to that bad place....basically. How I wish I was like the people were swept and moved by their wrongdoings...at least their emotions are in the right place.
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish I had no want or desire to sin. Temptation is one thing but desiring and wanting is another. It is so hard to repent when there's a part of you deep deep down that craves and still wants to sin or a voice in your head that's so much like you're own when you pray saying "Oh you know this isn't true. You don't mean this prayer. You're not wholehearted. You want to go out and do it again. You don't mean what you say to God." every time you ask Him to help you turn away from sin or take the desire away.
There are times where I wish God would chastise me every time I sinned. Strong conviction, strong repentance. But I often feel like I'm left to my own devices.
As far as faith...to me...it's mainly hope. I hope God changes me today. I hope God gives me faith today. I know God can. I hope He will. I hope someday soon I can be the best Christian I've wanted to be for so long. I hope God gives me guidance. I hope God gives me that overwhelming desire to read. I hope He does this. I hope He does that. I hope He makes me learn to completely surrender my life to Him. I hope He teaches me to trust Jesus with all my heart today.
But...Scripture says otherwise. Forgive me for not entirely knowing the verse...but the verse where it states "When you pray, believe you have already received it [...]" or...similar, leaves me upset. I broke down in tears yesterday for similar but other reasons. And...to me...it kind of sounds, though it's THE BIBLE, like an attempt to take advantage of Him. Like saying "No; you ARE going to give this to me. I want it. Give it. Now." That's what the verse sounds like to me. But if God is in control why would there be a verse like that? He's in control......
When it comes to faith and Jesus, my mind will do anything it can to separate me from either of the two. "Wanna follow Jesus, Hannah? Well here's a mush of terrible nasty scrupulous vile horrendous thoughts of Jesus to make you think otherwise. Want faith? Well here's a reason to believe you don't need it." And with what I mentioned earlier....it is so hard to put my foot down and say "I. Have. Faith." My mind does merry go rounds trying to figure out the difference between Head Knowledge and Heart Knowledge. I cannot tell you how many times i have googled "What is faith?" "Signs I have faith" "Do I have faith?" "What does believe in your heart mean?" "What does Hebrews 11:1 mean?" "Do i believe in my heart?" ...all these questions I ask so much and there's always a different answer or exemption.... and it's not a fear that has blinded me and swarmed me away from the truth...without OCD in the picture...I seriously do not think I have faith/belief in my heart...unless wishful thinking or hope qualifies (I'm pretty sure it doesn't)
As you would think...praying or reading the Word would help.....BUT there's even more complications...
A long time ago...I had the impulse to always listen to..well.....non Christian music...but I asked God if He would give me the desire to only listen to Christian music...and He did...
...but when I ask for things like faith...or guidance...or wisdom...or biblical desire..... He seems rather reserved...
That was what brought me to overwhelming tears last night. I prayed for faith but felt and had thoughts like I just KNEW that He would not answer me. So of course while I cried...I whispered out "Why won't you just help me in this?!" But felt no difference since I knew that was something I shouldn't be saying to Him...
There's a story of a pastor's son who wasn't saved but knew Scripture better than any of his friends. So when people called him out telling him he wasn't a good Christian, he'd use multiple memorized verses to "prove them wrong". There's that story and the time I watched a Family Guy episode where Stewie humorously read the Bible from cover to cover laughing at how people are religious to this when all there is is murder and so forth and both stories to this day make me hesitant to jump right in to the Bible...."what if I end up like the pastor's son who took nothing to heart?" "What if I'm like that cartoon who reads the Bible like any other book?"
When I read the book of John, I probably read a chapter a month....that's how distant I was from reading it....but around the time I got to chapter 18...I pretty much read it till the end with only the feeling that I just sped read to "get it out of the way".
People say the only way I can achieve faith is to read the Bible.... But when I read I feel like I'm missing something...like I should be feeling a certain way or thinking a certain way and i tense and tense up and then become mad at myself when nothing ...jumps out...at me. Maybe I wasn't focused enough? Maybe God didn't want to talk to me through that? Maybe I shouldn't have read that verse. There are even moments where my Scrupulousity kicks in and I have to physically put the Book down or away or close it because I can NOT go on with a certain mentality...or times where I feel the Bible may be veiled since 1) nothing jumps out tremendously at me that I could tell God was speaking to me and 2) my mind wanders and i could possibly forget I was reading The Bible if it wasn't for the mentioning of Jesus more than once in a non offensive manner.
Somehow I just know, no matter what, there's going to be someone that tells me I just need to read the Bible, after I've said all this.
I wish He would renew my mind or change my heart...I'm a lier...I'm quick to anger...I'm hard at forgiving others...and I just wish He would help me with these things. It seems no matter how many times i pray...He just won't answer...and i don't mean not answering the way i want Him to i mean answering as in i don't feel like I'm just talking to a wall....
I don't want to be angry with Him...I don't want to give up on Him....I don't want to feel like I'm entirely divided...half wanting Him the other half wanting absolutely nothing to do with Him....I don't want to feel like this.....I just want Him to help me...
....Why won't He? What am I doing wrong?
Yes, I know, all I need is to have faith and repentance or a loud saying "Jesus is Lord" and believe in my heart but...I have a few issues that feel like multiple roadblocks in these situations.
I have OCD and of course I've worried over every tiny little aspect of salvation to the point where I'm worn out.
Conviction is probably the first thing of my issues. When I sin, i.e. lying...after that happens I could walk to my seat thinking "Okay that was a sin but...why didn't I feel bad?" Isn't some sort of godly sorrow supposed to make me feel ashamed? I'm not by any means saying I'm proud to sin but when I do sin, and don't feel bad, I some times think it is pride...can you relate to this?
One thing that usually brings me down is stories or testimonies that were swept and brought down to their knees crying out with tear stained faces praying that God forgive them for their wrongdoings and that they are just....miserable...with the fact that their sin put Jesus on the cross. I sometimes hear of people who live with hatred towards sin. But when it comes to me...all I know is my 'uh-oh's' qualified me to go to a bad place but a man named Jesus died for me so I won't have to go to that bad place....basically. How I wish I was like the people were swept and moved by their wrongdoings...at least their emotions are in the right place.
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish I had no want or desire to sin. Temptation is one thing but desiring and wanting is another. It is so hard to repent when there's a part of you deep deep down that craves and still wants to sin or a voice in your head that's so much like you're own when you pray saying "Oh you know this isn't true. You don't mean this prayer. You're not wholehearted. You want to go out and do it again. You don't mean what you say to God." every time you ask Him to help you turn away from sin or take the desire away.
There are times where I wish God would chastise me every time I sinned. Strong conviction, strong repentance. But I often feel like I'm left to my own devices.
As far as faith...to me...it's mainly hope. I hope God changes me today. I hope God gives me faith today. I know God can. I hope He will. I hope someday soon I can be the best Christian I've wanted to be for so long. I hope God gives me guidance. I hope God gives me that overwhelming desire to read. I hope He does this. I hope He does that. I hope He makes me learn to completely surrender my life to Him. I hope He teaches me to trust Jesus with all my heart today.
But...Scripture says otherwise. Forgive me for not entirely knowing the verse...but the verse where it states "When you pray, believe you have already received it [...]" or...similar, leaves me upset. I broke down in tears yesterday for similar but other reasons. And...to me...it kind of sounds, though it's THE BIBLE, like an attempt to take advantage of Him. Like saying "No; you ARE going to give this to me. I want it. Give it. Now." That's what the verse sounds like to me. But if God is in control why would there be a verse like that? He's in control......
When it comes to faith and Jesus, my mind will do anything it can to separate me from either of the two. "Wanna follow Jesus, Hannah? Well here's a mush of terrible nasty scrupulous vile horrendous thoughts of Jesus to make you think otherwise. Want faith? Well here's a reason to believe you don't need it." And with what I mentioned earlier....it is so hard to put my foot down and say "I. Have. Faith." My mind does merry go rounds trying to figure out the difference between Head Knowledge and Heart Knowledge. I cannot tell you how many times i have googled "What is faith?" "Signs I have faith" "Do I have faith?" "What does believe in your heart mean?" "What does Hebrews 11:1 mean?" "Do i believe in my heart?" ...all these questions I ask so much and there's always a different answer or exemption.... and it's not a fear that has blinded me and swarmed me away from the truth...without OCD in the picture...I seriously do not think I have faith/belief in my heart...unless wishful thinking or hope qualifies (I'm pretty sure it doesn't)
As you would think...praying or reading the Word would help.....BUT there's even more complications...
A long time ago...I had the impulse to always listen to..well.....non Christian music...but I asked God if He would give me the desire to only listen to Christian music...and He did...
...but when I ask for things like faith...or guidance...or wisdom...or biblical desire..... He seems rather reserved...
That was what brought me to overwhelming tears last night. I prayed for faith but felt and had thoughts like I just KNEW that He would not answer me. So of course while I cried...I whispered out "Why won't you just help me in this?!" But felt no difference since I knew that was something I shouldn't be saying to Him...
There's a story of a pastor's son who wasn't saved but knew Scripture better than any of his friends. So when people called him out telling him he wasn't a good Christian, he'd use multiple memorized verses to "prove them wrong". There's that story and the time I watched a Family Guy episode where Stewie humorously read the Bible from cover to cover laughing at how people are religious to this when all there is is murder and so forth and both stories to this day make me hesitant to jump right in to the Bible...."what if I end up like the pastor's son who took nothing to heart?" "What if I'm like that cartoon who reads the Bible like any other book?"
When I read the book of John, I probably read a chapter a month....that's how distant I was from reading it....but around the time I got to chapter 18...I pretty much read it till the end with only the feeling that I just sped read to "get it out of the way".
People say the only way I can achieve faith is to read the Bible.... But when I read I feel like I'm missing something...like I should be feeling a certain way or thinking a certain way and i tense and tense up and then become mad at myself when nothing ...jumps out...at me. Maybe I wasn't focused enough? Maybe God didn't want to talk to me through that? Maybe I shouldn't have read that verse. There are even moments where my Scrupulousity kicks in and I have to physically put the Book down or away or close it because I can NOT go on with a certain mentality...or times where I feel the Bible may be veiled since 1) nothing jumps out tremendously at me that I could tell God was speaking to me and 2) my mind wanders and i could possibly forget I was reading The Bible if it wasn't for the mentioning of Jesus more than once in a non offensive manner.
Somehow I just know, no matter what, there's going to be someone that tells me I just need to read the Bible, after I've said all this.
I wish He would renew my mind or change my heart...I'm a lier...I'm quick to anger...I'm hard at forgiving others...and I just wish He would help me with these things. It seems no matter how many times i pray...He just won't answer...and i don't mean not answering the way i want Him to i mean answering as in i don't feel like I'm just talking to a wall....
I don't want to be angry with Him...I don't want to give up on Him....I don't want to feel like I'm entirely divided...half wanting Him the other half wanting absolutely nothing to do with Him....I don't want to feel like this.....I just want Him to help me...
....Why won't He? What am I doing wrong?