Feeling numb and wanting to die but scared to.

Hello,
In answer to your question, yes I have felt like that! I regularly battle with this fear. It's terrifying but you are not alone in this struggle.
You mentioned in another thread that you have condemning, blasphemous thoughts etc? So do I. My Church told me to think of these thoughts as nothing more than temptations. Unwanted thoughts ARE NOT a sin but they are a temptation to make you feel hopeless, condemned etc.
One website put it that Scrupulosity arises from a lack of trust in Jesus and ignoring the thoughts shows that you DO trust Jesus despite thoughts trying to convince you otherwise.
I can't find the link to that website now unfortunately but I did make a copy of this quote before I lost it:

Compulsions are acts done over and over to lessen the anxiety of an obsession. OCD sufferers need to make a concerted effort to lessen their performance, because they consume time, cause embarrassment, injure health, and in the long run cause obsessions to become even stronger. For religious individuals, there is yet another reason to limit compulsions: to prove their trust in God. Individuals with OCD must work to resist compulsions. In doing so they demonstrate or prove, both to God and to themselves, how much they trust him and love him.

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Isn't the part in bold awesome? I never thought of it that way before but it helps me to think of my OCD that way. I was able to ignore the thoughts and tell Jesus I was trusting him and the thoughts did lessen.

I also did a course at my church called 'Freedom in Christ'.
Did this course help me to completely overcome my illness? No it did not. But it did me tools to use to cope with my illness and I have heard amazing testimonies from people who have taken the course.
The course is something I did through my church but they also have freebies on the website and books you can buy on amazon etc.
Here are some free resources available on the website:
https://www.ficm.org/free-stuff/

Here's another self help website that you've probably already come across but it does help:
Treating religious obsessive compulsive disorder (scrupulosity) Easy Christian alternative to cognitive-behavioral therapy

You're not alone in this fight.
Please be encouraged by the testimonies of others who have com through this and beaten it.

I used to go through the blasphemy thoughts. When I started getting closer to God the thoughts happened and I didn't know why. I was so scared of blasphemy, it was horrible. I had mental breakdowns, because I felt like I was going to hell with no way out. I was harming myself and I had to go to a behavorial center for almost a week. I don't go through this anymore, God has helped me overcome it. A lot of people have gone through this and if you go back through this forum you will see a lot posts about it. You should read them if you'd like and see if they help. What I've learned is that anxiety makes it worse, so maybe try not to worry, even though that's very hard

Hey. Please believe me when I tell you - You don't need to fear this. No matter what you've said, no matter what you've thought, no matter what you've done, if you believe that Jesus is the Son of God you are saved!!!!! I had this fear so badly during 2009 I saw blackness and was vomiting and crying and screaming and couldn't function. My husband had to take me to a doctor. This fear is very common among OCD patients. God is love and love wouldn't let you burn. There are so many reasons why there is no need for you to fear this. Please let us know if you are feeling any better. Hang in there.

I can tell by your posts that this fear is tormenting you and causing you a lot of suffering. My husband took me to our regular general practitioner doctor when I had the episode I told you about. I was on one of the SSRI drugs that really has helped me so much. When I had the episode the doctor upped the dosage on the SSRI and he gave me something to calm me. It took a few days for it all to kick in but I did so much better. I think you may very well need to see a doctor. Your quality of life needs to be more than what it is right now. Also you need to get real involved in a hobby that you really enjoy doing. You don't need to be afraid of this thing. I can tell your faith is very strong and God loves you!

jcguess78 said:

Thank you so much Dendy. I am seeing a counselor/therapist. He has helped but I find I relapse and relapse bad at times. Just when I calm down and have peace I start second guessing everything again. Like in my mind I'll say, "what if everything theologians, friends, pastors, family and my counselor said to me is wrong and I really have done the unpardonable sin? Why would I have such evil and blasphemous thoughts pop in my mind if I were a true Christian? And why when those thoughts come do I feel like I almost want to do the thoughts while at the same time fighting the thoughts trying to stay on the good and holy path of the Lord?" I know I'm saved by God's grace alone through Christ alone but this struggle has left me feeling stuck and a evil person. Although I've never acted out any of the thoughts nor do I, from my core person, ever want to act them out. I guess I just explained Pure OCD and Scrupulosity, didn't I? That's my struggle and it has worn me out. I do so love the Lord and want to walk in His goodness and grace. Just weary right now although I do feel a little better. Thank you.

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Regarding the part in bold, I want to share something with you that might reassure you. It helped me to rationalize my thoughts and I hope it will help you too.
I officially became a Christian last year in February 2014. Before that, I was a very bad person and my heart was very far from God. I'd said the sinners prayer a few times but saw no immediate change so then I straight away went back to calling myself an Atheist, mocking God, mocking Christians etc. Now as I said, during that time my heart was very far from God and yet I never had any blasphemous thoughts at all.
It was only when God called me to be a true Christian last year, when I started taking my faith seriously, when I repented and asked Jesus to come into my heart, when I believed in him and was trying to get closer to him, that the blasphemous OCD started. Why? Because I desperately DID NOT want to think these thoughts and OCD does what it always does - attacks you with doubts and fears about something you really, truly care about.
So do you see how the advice 'If you're worried about the unforgivable sin then you haven't committed it' is true? When I was calling myself an atheist I suffer no blasphemous thoughts at all! It only started when I really, truly believed and cared. You haven't committed this sin because you love God and want to please him.

Now regarding relapsing, I relapse too.
When you're in the middle of a relapse just think about those times of relative calm in between. Trust that God has helped you through this before and he will do again. Hold on to that hope.

Your symptoms are so typical of OCD. It's the Doubting Disease. What if? What if? What if? Over and over and over. I couldn't get thru it without the medication. I hope your symptoms improve soon so you can begin to enjoy your life more. You deserve it!

The intrusive thoughts started when I was only 15 years old. Now I am 23 and it has been hard to deal with it. The ocd got worse on me to the level that I was not able to reject or say no to those thoughts. Instead I felt like pleasure thinking horrible things against the holy Spirit. And I felt that I was accepting those thought just because my mind was tired of fighting against it that I couldnt fight no more. But deep inside of me I felt terrible, many times I prefer being death but at the same time I was scared of dying. Until this day Im hoping God wont condemn me. Even thought those thoughts and feelings seen like is me but if this is OCD then is not me. Its confusing but all I want to say is that we dont have to give up. Every day we have to try to ignore every negative thought and feelings and just do what our spirit wants to do , serve the lord.

This is a "speech" I learned last year that Winston Churchill gave when people were looking to him for massive encouragement. Those words were the sum of it from my understanding. The reason they impacted me so much was because I discovered them last year when I was at the lowest of lows in my life. I just knew I had rejected Jesus and had no more opportunities or hope of being His. This torment was so real that I felt at times like I may not live to see another day.

In looking back, I can actually say now that I'm thankful I went through that, although I would've never wished to have had to. Now I can see more clearly Who God is and His true character as opposed to Who my thoughts and feelings were screaming at me that He was. I felt I could never measure up and was always disappointing Him, that I could never truly repent and that my heart was hardened. Every verse about Pharisees or anything that sounded condemning to me just seemed to put me in a fast downward spiral of self-focus and seeming hopelessness. The enemy had fun with me big time during this. He took God's loving truths and turned them into raging darts that seemed to condemn me at every turn.

I've not been on this site for quite a while accept when I posted about how God was bringing me through. Believe that God is not as your thoughts are telling you and Never, Never, Never Give Up looking to Him. The thing with ocd, especially religious ocd, is that it tends to make us so self-focused on ourselves and our shortcomings that it blocks out the grace, mercy and faithfulness of God.

I believe that I was supposed to see your message tonight. I was actually in bed and it came to me that I needed to look on this site because someone really needed encouragement. God loves us so much that He sends people to love and encourage us with His love. Please know that you are not alone at all and that God has not abandoned you. Something that God has been trying to get through to me is that I have been fighting battles that I'm not meant to fight. I am to look to Him, trust and obey Him, and He wins the battles for me. When Jesus said, "It is finished", He meant it. The devil wants to distract us from how awesome God is. Exodus 14:14 is where God is telling the Israelites that the battle against their enemies was His, and that they were to be still and see his deliverance.

My emotions have been like a roller-coaster through all of this, and this has been a battle for most of my 44 years. As I said earlier, last year was the lowest point ever for me though. I actually believed the enemy masking Himself as God when he said that I was hopeless and condemned. Recently, I was again at a low point, and all of a sudden I stopped and listened to a beautiful bird singing outside. I realized that all of this "noise" in my head has drowned out so much of the life and blessings that God has bestowed upon me. I've allowed myself to continually be drawn away from my husband and son, and truly life in general. I have been here physically, but not present in other ways. That morning, the devotional I read was about stopping to hear God saying He loves me. In it, it actually talked about listening to a bird sing and realizing it is one way God is saying He loves me. I knew God was drawing me back to reality from the unreality my mind was trying to convince me of again. The Scripture also talked about God singing over me. It has been so hard to believe that God actually sings over me, but pride and fear can actually cause me to doubt that.

God is such a faithful and good God. Don't believe the enemy's lies telling you that you are hopeless. God is the God of impossible situations, of which I have been an impossible situation. What seems gigantic to us is like nothing to Him. He loves you and will never leave nor abandon you. That's the real God!

Blessings to you and your family!
Rebecca

I'm so glad that you have been encouraged. God is a God of hope. When the Bible says, "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit", it plainly states that God is a God of hope, not hopelessness.

Believe me when I say that He has sent so many people to encourage me. There have been times I have been embarrassed over how needy people must think I am because of the emotional wreck I've been, but God has been and continues to be so faithful. However, even after feeling encouraged at one moment, I could turn right around not long after and feel hopeless again.

The thing I'm beginning to realize is that although we need one another and God doesn't want us to be as islands, all to ourselves, I need to really learn God's character and learn to trust despite my feelings. God's character remains the same, even when we doubt and feel insecure. Something I've been doing lately is looking at the names of God and reading what they mean. I have a book by Tony Evans entitled Praying Through the Names of God. He has a name for every single need we have. Victory doesn't necessarily come when we don't feel this struggle anymore, but when we learn to look to God despite the struggle.

I understand all too well the ups and downs, the feelings of being okay, then feeling far from okay. My mom thought she couldn't be forgiven for the thoughts against God that tormented her. She has battled for years. I will tell you though that her faith in God has inspired me throughout my life, even with the struggles she's faced. I would like to say something also about the unpardonable sin. Remember that Satan used God's words against Jesus when He was fasting in the wilderness. Satan also used God's words in the Garden of Eden, but just added "not" to them (You shall not die.) When some people read about taking up deadly snakes and they shall not be harmed by them, the enemy can convince them that God desires them to handle snakes to show their faith in Him. Then, if they are bitten and die, they weren't in the faith according to their beliefs. I actually watched on t.v. how some children in one family lost both parents due to snake bites received in the handling of snakes in the church. First, the wife was bitten and died. Because that happened the dad decided to stop handling snakes, yet he felt "convicted" that he was doing wrong in "not" handling them. So, in "obedience to God" He began to handle snakes again. He was bitten and died, leaving his children parentless. Imagine what those children are left thinking about God. The enemy is excellent at taking God's word and twisting it. When it comes to the unpardonable sin, I have been taught that it is one thing alone that is the unpardonable sin. That is the sin of not accepting Jesus. It is unpardonable because Jesus is our Redeemer, our Savior, our Rescuer. He is our only way to God and the Bible is clear on that truth. When someone rejects the only way of salvation, that is unpardonable because there's no other answer to our dilemma of sin.

Be encouraged dear friend knowing that God sees you right where you are and that nothing can separate you from His amazing love.

Blessings,
Rebecca

jcguess78 said:

Has anyone here been convinced and scared they committed the unpardonable sin? And have you been convinced so much so that you feel absolutely numb as a result of it? Then you start to feel scared that you are numb and not feeling guilty or anxious? I have called on the Lord for salvation and believe His Word. I'm just scared numb right now. Please help. I'm feeling hopeless. My wife loves me and supports me I know but I also know that this is taking its toll on her. I know my daughter suffers as well. I have thought of taking my life due to the depression. But I know this would hurt them worse. I'm so exhausted and tired of fighting. I hate myself for this. I don't think Jesus can love me anymore. I feel as if I'm pure evil and hardened beyond repentance. My wife told her Mom that she is so glad to be married to such a sweet and loving and godly husband but I don't see it. All I see is a shell of a man when I look at myself. I don't know what to do. I'm going to buy a video series that was reccomended to me by someone on this site. I just hope that there is hope for me.

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jc,

How are you doing? You came to my mind and I want you to remember that God loves you so much that He prompts others to pray for you and to check on you. Please let us know on this site how you are.

Blessings,
Rebecca