Help! What Should I do?

pilgrimsong · Apr 30, 2015

Hello! I have been praying for a long time for God to send me someone to be my future partner but all I get are disappointments and heartaches... this recent affections of mine what is the best thing to do?... kill the feelings? pray over it so that I can cope?

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Well, the guy that I've mentioned (still the same guy 2014). Well, here's an update. Our pastor and his wife invited us for a chat. Since they're concerned about me since Im a member of our church, and the guy that I like (he's studying in a bible college taking up masteral, by faith because his savings went to different people who asked for his help that they will borrow his money and return it when they're able to pay him, he sold his small business because it is not God honoring according to him, and he's changing his ways). At present he's unemployed he doesn't want to get a job because he can't manage a full-time job because according to him, he's studying and does part-time/volunteer preaching in our church (sometimes he's invited in neighboring churches).

My question is should I wait for him even if I know marriage is not his priority, but he told me if I'll meet his standard of loving God first, then maybe he'll consider me. Plus I need to fix an issue about my family that is important to him. He's not looking for a relationship because he told me his vocation is his priority. If God will give him a partner it must met his standard (a God first woman, and someone who's matured spiritually). I admit I lack those criteria, or have fallen short because I'm just a newly professed Christian I was baptized 4 yrs. ago.

At present he knows that I like him, and I am helping him financially, for his studies and for his things in school like gadgets. He also emphasized to me that if ever God will send him a partner the woman must be willing to be a bread-winner because he'll do full time ministry. I can't explain everything here. Anyway, should I kill my feelings for him, (coz' I have sacrificed a lot), also he's staying in my family's house because its near our church and the place of his classmate where he used to stay before is quite far. We are really like brothers and sisters. And I know most of his personal life. vice-versa

He has helped me a lot, taught me Christian studies. Should I wait? Continue praying? or simply forget him? (He was in a failed relationship 5 times and the last was a hard blow) So his criteria is really hard.

And he told me I should not hope for God to send me someone coz' God's will for me is to be single.. if that's the case I'll be in for a great disappointment... God can also send me the one. He said I should just be content in whatever state of life I am.

Messy · May 1, 2015

pilgrimsong said:
Hello! I have been praying for a long time for God to send me someone to be my future partner but all I get are disappointments and heartaches... this recent affections of mine what is the best thing to do?... kill the feelings? pray over it so that I can cope?

---
Well, the guy that I've mentioned (still the same guy 2014). Well, here's an update. Our pastor and his wife invited us for a chat. Since they're concerned about me since Im a member of our church, and the guy that I like (he's studying in a bible college taking up masteral, by faith because his savings went to different people who asked for his help that they will borrow his money and return it when they're able to pay him, he sold his small business because it is not God honoring according to him, and he's changing his ways). At present he's unemployed he doesn't want to get a job because he can't manage a full-time job because according to him, he's studying and does part-time/volunteer preaching in our church (sometimes he's invited in neighboring churches).

My question is should I wait for him even if I know marriage is not his priority, but he told me if I'll meet his standard of loving God first, then maybe he'll consider me. Plus I need to fix an issue about my family that is important to him. He's not looking for a relationship because he told me his vocation is his priority. If God will give him a partner it must met his standard (a God first woman, and someone who's matured spiritually). I admit I lack those criteria, or have fallen short because I'm just a newly professed Christian I was baptized 4 yrs. ago.

At present he knows that I like him, and I am helping him financially, for his studies and for his things in school like gadgets. He also emphasized to me that if ever God will send him a partner the woman must be willing to be a bread-winner because he'll do full time ministry. I can't explain everything here. Anyway, should I kill my feelings for him, (coz' I have sacrificed a lot), also he's staying in my family's house because its near our church and the place of his classmate where he used to stay before is quite far. We are really like brothers and sisters. And I know most of his personal life. vice-versa

He has helped me a lot, taught me Christian studies. Should I wait? Continue praying? or simply forget him? (He was in a failed relationship 5 times and the last was a hard blow) So his criteria is really hard.

And he told me I should not hope for God to send me someone coz' God's will for me is to be single.. if that's the case I'll be in for a great disappointment... God can also send me the one. He said I should just be content in whatever state of life I am.

What? My ex could pastor a church because I had a job, but he also had a small income from that and he didn't tell me that I had to do that. He sounds like a lazy bum. What if you get kids? You can work and clean the house and look after the kids and he goes around preaching? Paul made tents.
And he tells you God wants you to be single? Why would God tell him that if that were true? He always tells you, not someone else. He doesn't sound spiritual mature himself. There's a guy on Facebook, married, kids. Wife sits at home and he wants to preach. If we could support him. Are you nuts? Now he has a job lol.

pilgrimsong · May 1, 2015

Thanks Messy for your reply. Maybe I type in a sort of negative way. What I mean is, he is very clear that he will go full-time so in order to support our family I must be willing to be the bread-winner since I will earn more than him since full time workers in the church in my country is not really well-paid (for ex. most couples in our church there are some woman who earns as much as their husbands do).

Regarding the single issue. He said what if God meant for me to be single, and I am here praying for someone. (that I should not focus on it), he explained to me that God may will it or may not for me to get married. His point is not for me focusing too much on wanting to have a relationship, I must be a Christian woman who shows that God is enough in my life.

tamtam92 · May 5, 2015

pilgrimsong said:
Thanks Messy for your reply. Maybe I type in a sort of negative way. What I mean is, he is very clear that he will go full-time so in order to support our family I must be willing to be the bread-winner since I will earn more than him since full time workers in the church in my country is not really well-paid (for ex. most couples in our church there are some woman who earns as much as their husbands do).

This doesn't sound right. It sounds like the burden falls doubly on the woman, who shares in the work of her husband (as a pastor's wife can't but help him, hospitality, visits, caring for all the people etc.), and must still work full-time. That's 2 full-time jobs for the woman. That can't work. If the ministry doesn't pay, both can work half-time for instance.

pilgrimsong said:
Regarding the single issue. He said what if God meant for me to be single, and I am here praying for someone. (that I should not focus on it), he explained to me that God may will it or may not for me to get married. His point is not for me focusing too much on wanting to have a relationship, I must be a Christian woman who shows that God is enough in my life.

I would agree with him on that point. Marriage shouldn't be your focus -- 1 Corinthians 7 if I remember well ;-). It's only natural to think of marriage as you get older, but think of all the things you wouldn't be able to do for the Lord once married...

pilgrimsong · May 6, 2015

tamtam92 sometimes I also ask myself Ive been praying for someone to come my way since I was a teenager but it didn't materialized.. when I was still an unbeliever I have been through a short relationship months only but it failed... now when Im a Christian still no materialization of 'the one', maybe God says its not yet time? usually the one I like doesn;t like me..

pittsflyer · May 6, 2015

Isent it funny when you have a successful business everyone wants you to give your money away but when you do and you don't want to "get a job" your suddenly a bum lol. What a fool for selling the buinsess, most people don't care about other people so I would never give up an income stream like that unless God told me too (not just because I had some fleeting thought that it did not feel right).

And then to get a degree in religion where the most pious of our society control most of your employment prospects based on things in your person life. How do people think stuff like this is a good idea.

I can just see the "church leadership" sitting in a church conf room now. Well he did stay with that woman the other night, he is a grown adult but he did not have a chaperone so maybe we should let him go.

tamtam92 · May 9, 2015

pilgrimsong said:
tamtam92 sometimes I also ask myself Ive been praying for someone to come my way since I was a teenager but it didn't materialized.. when I was still an unbeliever I have been through a short relationship months only but it failed... now when Im a Christian still no materialization of 'the one', maybe God says its not yet time? usually the one I like doesn;t like me..

You shouldn't worry too much about it. If you let God get full control of your life, you can expect he won't do everything as you think it should go. Expect some surprises. Only worry about living with Christ, for Christ.
Some people told me I should "pray for my future husband, even before I meet him" and stuff like that. I don't do that. I pray that God keeps me faithful & obedient, and that he uses me. And I know I can do things *now* that I wouldn't be able to do if I were married (like Sunday School, summer camps, etc.)

Messy · May 9, 2015

pilgrimsong said:
Thanks Messy for your reply. Maybe I type in a sort of negative way. What I mean is, he is very clear that he will go full-time so in order to support our family I must be willing to be the bread-winner since I will earn more than him since full time workers in the church in my country is not really well-paid (for ex. most couples in our church there are some woman who earns as much as their husbands do).

Regarding the single issue. He said what if God meant for me to be single, and I am here praying for someone. (that I should not focus on it), he explained to me that God may will it or may not for me to get married. His point is not for me focusing too much on wanting to have a relationship, I must be a Christian woman who shows that God is enough in my life.

Oh okay. That was with us too but I worked 4 days a week. It's not handy when you get kids though.
Maybe he just needs time to heal up from his previous relationship, but if someone was so uninterested in me I would just move on.

Travelers.Soul · Jun 3, 2015

I had several concerns once I read your post and my first reaction was to tell you to kill your feelings for him. In fact I would tell you to run from him. Let me speak as a pastor's daughter. My Dad is a full time pastor, he has been for a very long time. While he was in school he worked, went to school, and preached. He took his responsibility before God as a man and head of a household seriously. Did my Mom work? Yes for a while but never did my Dad ever expect my Mom to be the only one who worked. In fact, whenever they were able Mom did not work. You need to take a hard look at all that Scripture says about marriage and love and ask yourself does this man measure up to what the word of God say? Be honest. Also, it sounds like he does not care for you. For your own sake move on. As far as your singleness, I would make it a matter of prayer. Talk to God about it. God is not bothered by our prayers or our repeated requests.

"But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Tim 5:8

Autumnleaf · Jun 4, 2015

Women paying the bills never seems to work out well long term. If he is the only guy in town who is single and there are and have always been road blocks with armed guards out of town that stop you when you head that way then you should probably seriously consider marrying this man.

An intrepid soul would cut bait with this man and experience what else is out there. Dauntless.

Of course I could be wrong. So don't just take my word for it.

El' LeJeune · Jul 22, 2015

I'm seeing alot of red flags here. While I can have the utmost respect for a man who honor's God with such reverence, it sounds to me like he is using that mindset as an excuse to stay single because he's afraid to be in a relationship. I know many missionaries, evangelists, and traveling pastors who are married. They rely on "faith" paychecks to support themselves, but I've never known one of these couples to ever be in need. Last month a couple spoke at our church who were in their late 20's, married with newborn daughter, and about to embark on a multi year mission trip overseas. It is God's design for a minister to have a righteous partner at his side. Even Peter and James were married.

Like I said before, it seems that this man is afraid of being in a relationship. You mentioned he had 5 previous relationships that went bad. Ask yourself this one question. Was there a common reason for all of these relationships going bad? Was it something he was doing or not doing? is it something in his personality that doesn't mesh well with being in relationships. I know you'll offhandedly deny it, but after you do put some serious thought into it. I have never known a person's quirks and demeanor to change. A person's taste changes, his behavior changes, his sincerity and beliefs change, but a person's innate personality doesn't change.

The most important thing to do right now is expand your horizons and truly seek guidance from God. When you receive an answer.... DO IT!!!

mmksparbud · Jul 22, 2015

Listen to him!! He said God's will is for you to be single--well that leaves you out--so my tiny little suggestion is to get rid of this guy---YESTERDAY! He is telling you, you are not for him, you are not listening and are only living on hope. Reality sometimes stinks, but it is the world we need to live in. He has a girl friend that spends money on him and your family meets his other needs---why marry at all?? Sounds pretty cushy to me. You already know the answer you just don't like it!

El' LeJeune · Jul 22, 2015

"I must be a Christian woman who shows that God is enough in my life."

I don't buy that. If you want to be married and have a family then God will not be enough in your life. The word says that God will give us the desires of our hearts if our desires are righteous and pleasing to him. I think a righteous marriage with a righteous man is extremely pleasing to God. I hope you find a truly decent and honorable man. Please pray for guidance and whatever you do, do not go against the leading of the spirit because of something you want. It is a painful feeling to watch your hopes and dreams slide away because of poor choices made outside of the will of God.

pilgrimsong · Jul 24, 2015

Thank you so much for all your replies. I already addressed the problem to my pastor's wife and she agrees to what mostly I have said.. and they dont allow this man to preach for awhile due to disciplinary actions... I feel guilty that preaching was taken away from him because of what Ive said... he told this to me coz' our pastor talked to him, and he was told that he cant stay in our house anymore and that he should look for a job.

I'm really saddened that even Christians can act like this (the guy), and can even make poor choices...

JCFantasy23 · Jul 27, 2015

Too mant red flags and sounds like he's not into a relationship. from your newest post it seems like you have had some of this resolved.

Angeldove97 · Jul 28, 2015

I'm glad the Pastor reached out to him and is trying to help him to mature a bit before he takes on a role as a pastor in a church. He seems to have a lot of ideals: I want to do x, y, and z and my future wife better be in line with it or else. Life and a relationship does not work like that.

If he can't afford to take care of himself and do what he needs to to reach his goals, then he is totally not ready to be pastor or a husband.

Ezeretane · Jul 31, 2015

pilgrimsong said:
... I feel guilty that preaching was taken away from him because of what Ive said... he told this to me coz' our pastor talked to him, and he was told that he cant stay in our house anymore and that he should look for a job.

First of all do not feel guilty, your pastor is the leader of the church and if he took a decision , i assumed he prayed about it!
You sound guilty, worried and with a lot of question :you should not only pray but also study the bible. If you have so much questions it could be because you are not very confident in yourself and this guy seems to ask for a lot of thing when he is supposed to act with you as Christ did for the church) :love is patient etc...
You told a lot about him and what he wants or wishes for but you?
you should first discover what God wants for your life and what kind of man suits you and He can show you that.
Getting married must not be the final purpose or turn into an obsession but you can still pray for it and ask God for guidance.
You claim to be "a new christian " or not spiritual enough... well i know a lot of christian born again for 20 years with no maturity ( it is not a matter of time but a matter of intimacy with God )
no one is perfect and that 's why we needed a savior , don't let anyone steal you your gift of grace !

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