Joe and Jane Help

RBPerry · Mar 26, 2015

Need some opinions here. This situation is about Joe and Jane and of course that isnt their real names. Joe had an affair about ten years ago. Joe and Jane split up for a while but finally reconciled and got back together. On the surface that sounds like a positive thing, but was it really.
Jane (being well over 50 now and has gone through menopause) wants nothing to do with a sexual relationship with Joe, or anyone for that matter. Says she just has no interest in sex or intimacy with Joe. Well Joe still has fire in the kitchen even though there is snow on the roof.
It is my opinion Jane hasnt truly forgiven Joe, and is withhold affection because of it. Now Im very well aware of the fact that after women go through menopause there hormones go crazy. But talking to her I feel it is much deeper than that. I fear Joe is going to stray again out of frustration. Jane does have a biblical obligation to her husband, but if she cant emotionally then there is a real problem.
So question is. What should Joe do? What should Jane do.
This isnt a issue with just Joe and Jane. It is a common problem today. What is the best way to address it. I have my own ideas but I would like to hear from both men and women how they feel about such issues.

jacknife · Mar 26, 2015

If they aren't compatible sexually I feel it would lead to problems further down the road.

KitKatMatt · Mar 27, 2015

They need to seriously talk about it with each other to identify problems and reach a conclusion.

Sectio Aurea · Mar 27, 2015

From what I am gleaning here it sounds like Jane is asexual and monogamous, but Joe is sexual and non-monogamous.

Relationships like this, although difficult, can work if both parties are honest and communicate clearly on an on going basis.

The question is....are they both willing to put the effort into it?

SteveB28 · Mar 27, 2015

For a number of years before her death, my wife and I provided evidence that close, loving, satisfying relationships can be maintained outside of a bedroom door.

Jade Margery · Mar 27, 2015

It sounds like Joe and Jane, despite what I'm sure is a lot of love and history together, may not be cut out for marriage/a long term relationship any more. There are two good ways to resolve this (to my knowledge).

The first is a friendly, honest break-up. Neither of them are getting what they want out of the relationship, and in time that is going to lead to resentment that will fester and poison everything good about what they have. Better to admit to each other that getting back together may have been a mistake and end things while they still have a chance of maintaining their strong, non-sexual friendship (which is what they have right now anyway.)

The second, more logistically complicated option is to maintain their marriage/relationship in a companionable way, but give the man permission to seek sexual satisfaction outside the relationship - open it up, in other words. After menopause, some women's sex drives just disappear, and Jane might be being honest when she says there is nothing else going on. She may actually be relieved once Joe can get his needs taken care of without pressuring her, so long as she's the one he comes home to.

Personally, I think Joe should approach Jane and explain that he cannot stay in a sexless state for the rest of his life. His needs are no less important than hers just because his involve sex. Then, Joe should present the two options above - break up but stay close, or stay together but let him sleep with others - and let her choose which option she feels most comfortable with. Staying together and never having sex is not on the table.

RBPerry · Mar 27, 2015

Jede, there is a great deal of logic from a secular standpoint, but opens up a moral can or worms in my opinion. You are correct that many women after menopause lose all interest in sex, does that relieve them of their responsibilities to their husbands? I found it interesting that Luther married King Richards to his mistress so they wouldn't be living in sin. Luther believed there was no biblical reason to deny a polygamist relationship. Try teaching that in mainstream Christianity today, you will get burnt at the stake.

KitKatMatt · Mar 27, 2015

Women don't have a "responsibility" to give their husbands sex.

If she doesn't want to have sex, she is under no obligation to have sex.

Of course, she needs to communicate with her husband and keep him up to date on these things, because that's part of being in a relationship. If he can't do without sex, or doesn't want to do without sex, the relationship between them may be incompatible.

But she is under no obligation to have sex with her husband.

jacknife · Mar 27, 2015

RBPerry said:
Jede, there is a great deal of logic from a secular standpoint, but opens up a moral can or worms in my opinion. You are correct that many women after menopause lose all interest in sex, does that relieve them of their responsibilities to their husbands? I found it interesting that Luther married King Richards to his mistress so they wouldn't be living in sin. Luther believed there was no biblical reason to deny a polygamist relationship. Try teaching that in mainstream Christianity today, you will get burnt at the stake.

No one is under any obligation to have sex with anyone, If this is really such a big deal then divorce and marry someone else.

OldWiseGuy · Mar 27, 2015

KitKatMatt said:
Women don't have a "responsibility" to give their husbands sex.

If she doesn't want to have sex, she is under no obligation to have sex.

Of course, she needs to communicate with her husband and keep him up to date on these things, because that's part of being in a relationship. If he can't do without sex, or doesn't want to do without sex, the relationship between them may be incompatible.

But she is under no obligation to have sex with her husband.

She does if she's a bible-believing Christian, and he as well.

KitKatMatt · Mar 27, 2015

No. Even if she (and he) are Bible believing Christians, they still have no obligation to have sex with each other.

OldWiseGuy · Mar 27, 2015

Jade Margery said:
It sounds like Joe and Jane, despite what I'm sure is a lot of love and history together, may not be cut out for marriage/a long term relationship any more. There are two good ways to resolve this (to my knowledge).

The first is a friendly, honest break-up. Neither of them are getting what they want out of the relationship, and in time that is going to lead to resentment that will fester and poison everything good about what they have. Better to admit to each other that getting back together may have been a mistake and end things while they still have a chance of maintaining their strong, non-sexual friendship (which is what they have right now anyway.)

The second, more logistically complicated option is to maintain their marriage/relationship in a companionable way, but give the man permission to seek sexual satisfaction outside the relationship - open it up, in other words. After menopause, some women's sex drives just disappear, and Jane might be being honest when she says there is nothing else going on. She may actually be relieved once Joe can get his needs taken care of without pressuring her, so long as she's the one he comes home to.

Personally, I think Joe should approach Jane and explain that he cannot stay in a sexless state for the rest of his life. His needs are no less important than hers just because his involve sex. Then, Joe should present the two options above - break up but stay close, or stay together but let him sleep with others - and let her choose which option she feels most comfortable with. Staying together and never having sex is not on the table.

Sexual relations are often the 'canary in the coal mine' of marriage. Menopausal women are usually able to have and enjoy sex, if they want it. However menopause can also be used as an excuse to finally end this most personal intimacy that she really wanted to end long ago. If indeed he has shown genuine sorrow and contrition over his former dalliance, and if he still desires her (and her alone) sexually, there might yet be hope. It's really the marriage that is at stake here, not just the sex. Heal the marriage and the sex will certainly return to it.

OldWiseGuy · Mar 27, 2015

KitKatMatt said:
No. Even if she (and he) are Bible believing Christians, they still have no obligation to have sex with each other.

Sooo, we tear yet another page out of the bible.

KitKatMatt · Mar 27, 2015

It doesn't matter what the Bible says, no one owes ANYONE sex for any reason.

To have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex is rape.

jacknife · Mar 27, 2015

OldWiseGuy said:
Sooo, we tear yet another page out of the bible.

Boohoo women are people too how sad.

OldWiseGuy · Mar 27, 2015

KitKatMatt said:
It doesn't matter what the Bible says, no one owes ANYONE sex for any reason.

I don't think you understand what the bible says about it.

KitKatMatt · Mar 27, 2015

What matters?

Sex, or forcing your partner to have sex when they don't want to have sex because it's their "responsibility"?

OldWiseGuy · Mar 27, 2015

jacknife said:
Boohoo women are people too how sad.

Don't be ignorant. Though not as much husbands also withhold sex from their wives for petty reasons. This is also wrong.

OldWiseGuy · Mar 27, 2015

KitKatMatt said:
What matters?

Sex, or forcing your partner to have sex when they don't want to have sex because it's their "responsibility"?

The bible says don't defraud one another in the sexual part of marriage. Man and wife become 'one flesh' through the sexual union.

KitKatMatt · Mar 27, 2015

Either you support forcing someone to do have sex when they don't want it (because of "responsibility"), or you support their right to refuse sex if they don't want it.

There is no inbetween.

Joe and Jane Help

Christian Baby Boomer

Theophobic troll

stupid bleeding heart feminist liberal

Sectio Aurea

Guest

SteveB28

Guest

Stranger in a strange land

Christian Baby Boomer

stupid bleeding heart feminist liberal

Theophobic troll

Wake me when it's soup.

stupid bleeding heart feminist liberal

Wake me when it's soup.

Wake me when it's soup.

stupid bleeding heart feminist liberal

Theophobic troll

Wake me when it's soup.

stupid bleeding heart feminist liberal

Wake me when it's soup.

Wake me when it's soup.

stupid bleeding heart feminist liberal

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