How to stop my existential depression? I hate God but I want to stop hating God?

Wow - that's a tough one to deal with!
I think the 'right' answer is that this world is flawed and in many ways incompehensibly painful, but God is getting us through, and in the next life, or when Jesus returns, all those things will be swept away and we really will be able to live righteously and love completely, as we were created to do.
Sometimes, though, the right answer doesn't help the pain and frustration of what we are in right now. I wish I had a simple solution, but I don't. The only way I can look at it is that have holders. I chose to have children, despite the state of the world. I didn't ask them if they wanted to be born, obviously. I knew that they would suffer sometimes. And yet, I am glad that they exist, I love them, I enjoy being with them, and I try to help them find their way through the mess and find joy in the world. Maybe Gods motive is love? We suffer now, but if eternity is indeed perfect, then it is a very brief suffering in exchange for an overwhelming amount of love and joy.

Praying that you can find a way through, and find some joy in the midst of the pain.

azatinga said:

I started believing in God and the Bible in full 2 years ago; I was raised atheist. I am a philosophy major and I have had a lot of issues with the Bible previously, especially regarding the old testament, but I have found all the answers I was looking for. The problem is, I hated God when I first started believing, and I still hate Him 2 years later. I really hope I'm wrong and there is no God, because it's comforting to me to think that God isn't real and that there is no afterlife.

Why I hate God? Because He created this. This world, the people, this disgusting world! And I do believe God and evil can coexist, and I also believe this is the best possible world we could have with the very narrow sense of free will we have been given (perhaps better than no free will at all). So the issue is not evil...the issue is that He didn't have to create this in the first place. The world didn't have to be here at all. It just seems so stupid...God...to me...seems stupid for making this (as wrong as it is to call God stupid).

Jesus died for us? In the context of a pre-existing world, this shows a love beyond comprehension, His sacrificial love and humility is astounding.. But hey, the world didn't have to exist at all, so what Jesus did actually isn't that great. God gave us all life against our will, threw us into messed up situations we didn't choose...we were born into generations of sin. We were socialized into sinners, we were shaped to act the way we do, as messed up as sin is it's expected that humanity would be in the state it is given the circumstances. So great, Jesus died for people He didn't have to create? Creating the world/humanity was a disservice to all of us, a selfish act. I don't know. I have no peace over this, I don't see God as good and I hate how He has control and I don't...I didn't get to choose my birth, I don't get to choose my death, I can't even commit suicide because then I can't kill myself in the afterlife and i"m assuming the afterlife sucks more than this life does. Help please this is torture.

This isn't an issue of suffering and evil, again, as that is not what is torturing me. What does torture me is that I have no control. I didn't choose whether or not I was born, I don't get to choose when I die (unless I commit suicide), and when I do die I have no control over the afterlife (I'm assuming one cannot commit suicide in heaven or hell, or opt out of the afterlife entirely!). All I want is to cease to exist at some point, that is all I ask! I don't want to be part of this system.
Basically, I hate God because He is in control and I think His plan is stupid (and I'm terribly wrong for saying it but I did:/) I have no peace, because I exist, and existence is so stupid. It's not the suffering of having to exist, like I said. It's the fact that I was born against my will, and am trapped in a system I never agreed to being a part of

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Once I wrote an article about a lot of this, see what you think.

Paradise and the tree of good and evil. | Christian Forums

I have felt like this, but about the problem of pain. It took some time to get over this when I was a newbie Christian (I also was a philosophy major). It made me question God's goodness, but I don't feel that way anymore. It was not a "eureka!" moment that got me passed these concerns, it was more a gradual change facilitated largely by the goodness of God towards me personally in good and bad times.

You said you would choose to cease to exist, but after you have experienced the heaven and the new earth--let's just say the being able to not exist would be a hollow victory.

Hi,

Do you have any other reasons why you hate life, other than having no control. The bible says "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart". God directs our life into a way that our desires are fulfilled. Do you feel lack now, know that God is planning to give you good things.

I once hated my life, but God has given me so much now that I love life. Everything about my life is great. I am married happily, have a great son, love my job. God performs miracles for me. It was once so bad I wished myself dead. I now have hope.

It sounds like you hate life, God is life. I got news for you you are already in hell, God is calling you to come out of it and into life, your not alive now, not spiritual anyway. Your spiritually dead.

God did not create this world. The world God created was perfect, but Adam and Eve chose this world when they sinned. God could have just sent them to hell and no more men and women would have been born, you would have never been born, but then again neither would I have been born, and I love God and want to please Him. I want to be part of His kingdom and I want to do His will. I am not alone many many children of God feel the same way. So you see it was for us this world was allowed and is allowed to go on, and when the last of us has come to God, God will put a stop to it and create the perfect earth again for his children and those not hell. ANd God's children will have the earth because we want God.

Hell, Hell is being separated from God, so hell is a place where God has completely removed Himself, after all you hate Him right. so you don't have to be with Him, but all Good things come from God, things like food, that is for us, so you don't get to eat in hell. every thing smells bad because good smells are from God, pain is in hell because pain is not of God it is cause by death and sin, evil, suffering is evil so that is what you get. You get no rest because God created rest, it is from him and you don't want God remember. the further you are away from God the worse hell is. Because God is life and all things good .

WHy can good and evil not get along because evil is going against God evil hates God as you have expressed it seeks to destroy God, but God is God, that is why.

It's like if man could give life to a computer and that computer hated man and wanted to take over the whole world, do you expect man would just hand it over? not it would destroy the computer. hell is the second death, you are destroyed in hell, that is the nothingness you speak of it is hell, but you want nothingness hell to be like heaven, why not just repent and accept God and be included in Heaven and be part of life? all you have to do is ask repent and surrender to God and you will never suffer again in the after life forever you will live in bliss, now are you saying you don't want bliss? You want nothingness because you think it is like when you sleep, when you rest, rest comes from God and is part of heaven, destruction is hell. so which do you want Heaven or hell? its not hard to be saved and go to heaven.

azatinga said:

I started believing in God and the Bible in full 2 years ago;

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Both? That was quick. It took me over a decade to believe the scriptures after I was cornered by God.

I was an atheist when I first got out of school and decided it was time to prove the Christian bible wrong. It should have been easy, didn't they all say that? But I was a skeptic and didn't trust skeptics, either. I started reading and met a Person that I realized was God. I hated Him because I wanted control. It took a while, but I finally learned that it was my flesh that hated God. My flesh wants control and, worse, wants control over me, too. More food, more etc. Even if I hurt people I don't want to hurt.

Now I realize that I have a choice between being under control of my flesh or under control of God. The really, really funny thing is that as I gave more and more control to God, I became more and more free to be someone I liked. I had more control to be relaxed. Crazy, but true. OTOH, having what I used to think was control meant continual loss of control and slavery to my desires.

Think I like God's method better, but my flesh sure hates Him.

muddleglum said:

Both? That was quick. It took me over a decade to believe the scriptures after I was cornered by God.

I was an atheist when I first got out of school and decided it was time to prove the Christian bible wrong. It should have been easy, didn't they all say that? But I was a skeptic and didn't trust skeptics, either. I started reading and met a Person that I realized was God. I hated Him because I wanted control. It took a while, but I finally learned that it was my flesh that hated God. My flesh wants control and, worse, wants control over me, too. More food, more etc. Even if I hurt people I don't want to hurt.

Now I realize that I have a choice between being under control of my flesh or under control of God. The really, really funny thing is that as I gave more and more control to God, I became more and more free to be someone I liked. I had more control to be relaxed. Crazy, but true. OTOH, having what I used to think was control meant continual loss of control and slavery to my desires.

Think I like God's method better, but my flesh sure hates Him.

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I love this account. Thanks for this.

To azatinga

I had a couple of thoughts of things you might read however I will leave you to decide One was Josef Pieper's book Faith, Hope and Love. The other was Decision Making and the Will of God by Garry Friesen and Robin Maxson.

What you are experiencing may not be so unusual but its supposed to be something that you come through - if you pray and ask God to give you the scriptural word to carry you through this time he will surely be faithful and speak to you. Do seek a church fellowship to hear the Word ministered.

Pieper will explain better than I could the christian teaching on the status viatoris the state of being on the way - for you.

I am on the same page as you are. Is a process of accepting things as they are and God as Lord. We are not the first, we are not the last. Read the book of Job. Noah was also angry with God. David was very honest too. Is a relationship with a person not an image or an ideal. He has told me that "He loves me just as I am" even when I am angry at Him. His Holy Spirit is there to help us. Ask Him for Help and He will!

Sorry can't help OP, I hate God and life. In fact good things can't even help me because I realize that if I loved God for the blessing he gives that it would only be the kind of love Satan explained to God in the book of Job. I know myself, if God cruelly punished me with a difficult life I would curse him and hate him.

So there is no point pretending to be a good Christian when I only tolerate God when he treats me well.

what could i ever say. God is just giving us time to decide but if you have not even felt the love he has for you then how could you make a proper decision? you can not exist in a lie, an illusion, and in-part and then think God is just going to let yourself be deleted. you feel keenly a certain way and this has been part of the revelation of you and God for reality itself is a love-play.

goodness is nothing without love. dust and ashes are all things if i do not exist to be loved by God and to love God. what if we loved God so much that we decided we needed to see how it is like to not know God or even ourselves? what if we decided to lose control because it felt like love was too coercive and not real enough when we did have control and peace of mind? what if we felt so much love that we decided to be part of this inferior reality?

let God untangle your hair. in the crucifixion of the Son of God there is darkness.

azatinga said:

I started believing in God and the Bible in full 2 years ago; I was raised atheist. I am a philosophy major and I have had a lot of issues with the Bible previously, especially regarding the old testament, but I have found all the answers I was looking for. The problem is, I hated God when I first started believing, and I still hate Him 2 years later. I really hope I'm wrong and there is no God, because it's comforting to me to think that God isn't real and that there is no afterlife.

Why I hate God? Because He created this. This world, the people, this disgusting world! And I do believe God and evil can coexist, and I also believe this is the best possible world we could have with the very narrow sense of free will we have been given (perhaps better than no free will at all). So the issue is not evil...the issue is that He didn't have to create this in the first place. The world didn't have to be here at all. It just seems so stupid...God...to me...seems stupid for making this (as wrong as it is to call God stupid).

Jesus died for us? In the context of a pre-existing world, this shows a love beyond comprehension, His sacrificial love and humility is astounding.. But hey, the world didn't have to exist at all, so what Jesus did actually isn't that great. God gave us all life against our will, threw us into messed up situations we didn't choose...we were born into generations of sin. We were socialized into sinners, we were shaped to act the way we do, as messed up as sin is it's expected that humanity would be in the state it is given the circumstances. So great, Jesus died for people He didn't have to create? Creating the world/humanity was a disservice to all of us, a selfish act. I don't know. I have no peace over this, I don't see God as good and I hate how He has control and I don't...I didn't get to choose my birth, I don't get to choose my death, I can't even commit suicide because then I can't kill myself in the afterlife and i"m assuming the afterlife sucks more than this life does. Help please this is torture.

This isn't an issue of suffering and evil, again, as that is not what is torturing me. What does torture me is that I have no control. I didn't choose whether or not I was born, I don't get to choose when I die (unless I commit suicide), and when I do die I have no control over the afterlife (I'm assuming one cannot commit suicide in heaven or hell, or opt out of the afterlife entirely!). All I want is to cease to exist at some point, that is all I ask! I don't want to be part of this system.
Basically, I hate God because He is in control and I think His plan is stupid (and I'm terribly wrong for saying it but I did:/) I have no peace, because I exist, and existence is so stupid. It's not the suffering of having to exist, like I said. It's the fact that I was born against my will, and am trapped in a system I never agreed to being a part of

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I know this is old and I am unsure you are on here still and hopefully you got your answer enough to feel better if now maybe these words will answer a bit

Your thinking is correct on the information you have ,you did not stuff it all inside and let it build up . Let me ask you this, pretend you are the creator . Now it stands to reason the world made would be at least one of the best in order to have people with some type of free will ..

You ,choose differently you see in advance your creation and its outcome BUT you decide against creating it
.you would have chosen this because of sin ,sin not yet in this world and in doing so you know you will wipe out all people that would have made it to heaven through Christ ..So before sin even entered in it made you not create and you have failed on setting up the world ..

IF you know you will have victory over the sin that people committed, you should not destroy a world you have not yet even made and wipe the people that you now love dearly as he knows us as thoroughly as we know our mothers fathers ..even more so. He knew us before he made us .

Just remember that this is the your life's greatest mental challenge. If you overcome it you will come out to be an ideologically determined and confident person throughout your life. It is important to change your mind, no depression drugs can do it for you.

Jeshu said:

Once I wrote an article about a lot of this, see what you think.

http://www.christianforums.com/blogs/u105433-e11715/

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Link did not work but I found your blog post on the tree of good and evil - I'm assuming that is the one you were referring to. I liked it, but it does not answer some of the OP's issues, which I also struggle immensely with. For example, why does God allow this situation to go on and on with billions of people being victimized by the deception of Satan and going to hell? Why does God allow Satan so much power? It seems like Satan is more powerful than God in this world, because most people are ignorant of God and blind and deceived. And also, I agree with you that all the evil and corruption in this world is ultimately Satan's fault, but then why is it that people are blamed for being sinners? Sinners cannot help but sin. That is what they do, because of their nature. Then they get thrown into hell if they do not/are unable to repent and believe. And if you are a Christian, you are supposed to feel guilty and blameworthy for your sin and accept that Christ took your punishment. I believe that, but I cannot understand how I deserved said punishment, since I was born a sinner and influenced by bad parenting, my own nature, disabilities, environment, and especially the lies of Satan himself. I really really want to get past this stuff, but I feel so stuck and have been for years. Trying to embrace the truth but it just never sets right with me. Please help if you can.

blacksheep78 said:

Link did not work but I found your blog post on the tree of good and evil - I'm assuming that is the one you were referring to. I liked it, but it does not answer some of the OP's issues, which I also struggle immensely with. For example, why does God allow this situation to go on and on with billions of people being victimized by the deception of Satan and going to hell? Why does God allow Satan so much power? It seems like Satan is more powerful than God in this world, because most people are ignorant of God and blind and deceived. And also, I agree with you that all the evil and corruption in this world is ultimately Satan's fault, but then why is it that people are blamed for being sinners? Sinners cannot help but sin. That is what they do, because of their nature. Then they get thrown into hell if they do not/are unable to repent and believe. And if you are a Christian, you are supposed to feel guilty and blameworthy for your sin and accept that Christ took your punishment. I believe that, but I cannot understand how I deserved said punishment, since I was born a sinner and influenced by bad parenting, my own nature, disabilities, environment, and especially the lies of Satan himself. I really really want to get past this stuff, but I feel so stuck and have been for years. Trying to embrace the truth but it just never sets right with me. Please help if you can.

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Thank you for pointing out that the link didn't work this gave me the opportunity to fix it. i don't know if you had a look at another blog article i had up there namely this one Humanities Salvation | Christian Forums in it i try and address the common misconception that not all people are saved, while Scripture calls God the Saviour of the world and at the same time address God's punishment for those who have been evil.

Now your question covers the personal side of your personality for when would God cut you off from salvation and when will He grant you salvation? Now when we are a goat then we are offspring of the lie, devil's brood, just telling someone a lie already classifies us as children of darkness. How many lies have you willfully spoken? How much bad spirituality/emotions/times have you taken on board throughout your life?

Now Revelation 20:11-15 will settle your score for each one of those lies and for all the willful wrongs you done and you will receive the consequence of your deed. Unless you repented along the way of course but then the willful liar would have already been washed off along the way.

See when we sin then we die but when we do good and love true then we are His children - now Jesus Himself will prune the grapevine that is not something we need to do ourselves. For us it is to be true and loving people. For all the times you spoke the truth? you loved for real? you had compassion on others? you been gentle? you loved your parents? you cared for your hurting neighbour? Then judgment day has no fears for when judgment comes all the good we did and done will get rewarded instead of punished. Yet life in bad spirituality such as doubting God, good or true, hating God or our neighbour, charging God with wrong when we ourselves saw erroneous, and so on, will all get washed of on that great Day. Something to look forward to isn't it?

Can you see that sheep and goat live inside of us according to deed and we are saved according to our faith in God's truth Hebrews 4:12-13 tells us.

So in willful sin we burn our lives and in Godly love we thrive and prosper.

i hope that clears some of the questions you struggle with.

Peace.

I have struggled to see a loving God whatsoever. I have seen a nightmare of being used for cattle slave labor, incessantly unfulfilled dreams and desires, no miracles (despite being promised) ... And old, out-dated world of endless dying and suffering, which has been disputed, rebuked, rejected, and overcome by many, and yet God continues to allow this. The righteous are the ones who are disciplined; it says so in the Bible. The wicked are literally given a free pass to torture. It is quoted as God-inspired, LITERALLY saying this in the Bible, and anyone who has spent any amount of accomplishing anything or pursuing righteousness can and will attest to you that people who do good are the first and always to be scapegoated. And then nothing comes along to remove the scars; they are literally aged horribly to death and used up for labor until they die, essentially; lost families are never replaced. Scars never go away. Stolen money and business is never returned, and yet God harasses His supposed "loved ones" when they so much as scream back and slice their wrists in agony, and orphanage? This world is not at all what many have accredited God proclaimed His love to be, and quite frankly creating new souls to shove into Satan's realm to give energy to the devil and be tortured mercilessly until they die with NOT THE GIFT, but a promise in an existence already riddled with countless broken promises, of "a reward after you continue it all and pretend the nightmare isn't a nightmare because that would make God feel inadequate about Himself". The dangling carrot of heaven, to keep you 100% devoted and dedicated to going to church, giving your money, working, and advertising the Bible which in turn rewards those who claim to have written the Bible, who claim to be the descendants, and who print the Bible. Believe it or not, 90% of "Christianity" and faith these days is entirely commercial, and appears to have always been.

If there are to be miracles, it would require far less than running the Russian roulette in a marathon of hope & visualization. Miracles must simply occur of their own accord, and abundantly, and graciously, or else they are not what has been proclaimed. There is no room for arguing here; many have reduced the joy of existence down to a charade of earthen carnal appreciation without miracles, which is not what Jesus Christ had taught - nor God, or the Holy Spirit for that matter. Miracles must simply happen when one even believes in a wavering whisper, or they don't exist; in the same way that choosing to move your arm requires your arm to actually move, or else it doesn't move - a miracle must simply move of its own accord, when one wills it. Anything less than it is nothing short of spiritual paralysis, and I feel many people are grossly disgusted to witness a realm without hope, and where everyone appears to be spiritually dead & paralyzed from time to time, desperately in the name of goodness.

I have never known anyone who would love someone who proclaims to be "always trustworthy and graceful, and your source of well-being" who would not curse that source when it is failing on its said functions of sustaining you. The book of Job is a giant contradiction. And to further add insult to injury, there is a poster in this thread suggesting that, "If you want happiness, health, and answers from God, but hate Him, then you will be ruined instead". This person literally is soul-searching and specifically claiming they hate God because THEY DON'T WANT TO HATE GOD. So, let's see ... they believe in God, but existence is so bad that they can't help but hate, and want it to end - so you're saying that God will instead give them more suffering to make Himself less hatable? That God literally just wants you to be happy, even in your misery and depression, or else He will destroy, torture, and accuse you for the negativity of your diseases & hate you for trying to love Him.

That is what you are saying. That God rewards expressions of hatred toward Him, which are actually prayers for deliverance, with rage, anger, destruction, more suffering, ignoring your prayers, ignoring your intentions, and severing you from salvation. That isn't a being of love. That is a being of convenience—a self-centered opportunist with zero compassion, understanding, grace, and/or power to appreciate your hatred as an expression of prayer for more, and with zero intention, as He claims to be the source of goodness, of fixing your problems.

Do you realize there are people who have insatiable diseases and no families, with immeasuarably terrible paths and suffering from premature aging, and even full-blown physical illness - all while living in poverty, and within a spiritually impoverished society? You really need to be careful about what you suggest.

I would surmise the reason someone is flailing their hatred toward God or suicidal to begin with, is because they actually want something better. There are a lot of atheists who use this guise to engage others for argument and attention, but that is not what this thread is. This thread is about a person who says they do believe God exists, but that they cannot for the life of them put an end to the illogical conclusions they see.

Do you realize, that suicide was a prayer for deliverance? That when "one wants to die or not exist", they're really praying for peace & happiness? Or do you always listen on the surface, and argue like school children with those who wish they were dead and accuse them of evil purely because life has issued them ghastly atrocious circumstances with a promise of old age & death, while threatening them with torment if they feel angry, unhappy, hateful, resentful, and ill - while seducing them with their hearts desires?

That isn't love. And by the voices here it appears nobody has a consensus on what they believe God to actually be, and even worse, the many, many different viewpoints haven't even offered an actual ounce of compassion apart from maybe a said few sentences sparsely peppered throughout an entire thread of responses.

It's sad. It's sad that people's existential crisis and agony is promised with more suffering and God's disgust and hatred mirrored, who proclaims Himself the ultimately healer and source of compassion & miracles - which is what they seek ... Or, that they should just, "simply believe because they don't know God's love". And by God, HOW - DO you suggest people who have prayed endlessly to the point of screaming and crying, raging and cognitive dissonance, begging for happiness and deliverance to the point of wanting to cease to exist as a poetic plea for actual lasting, worthy peace & comfort - they will "learn to know God's love like the others"? How? Obviously the OP has already pursued and prayed, and listened for God's love.

I suggest if God is so all powerful, as you all endlessly proclaim, then it is therefore His job to make you feel His love, and to cure your woes even as He Himself has proclaimed. Many people have no one and nothing to believe in, apart from waking up alone and going to bed alone every day of every month - and you are trying to say that they aren't going to feel hatred, resentment, and that they would magically "feel God's love" if they simply believed a little harder? You do realize that faith doesn't actually fix everything; you can have faith all you want, but it isn't going to conjure you a spouse & children. Many victims of abuse have been avidly slapped in the face with the realization they were falling prey to narcissism; but you are telling me their scars should reckon more scars, and agony more agony because they can't lift their head 24/7 and pretend like everything is okay during the bitter, cold silence of what you yourselves SHOUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS to be, "Satanic torture that God knew of, knows of, and delivers of" - yet many have gone decades, upon decades, with unresolved issues that are literally integral to having a meaningful, happy, joyous, healthy life.

But said people should be "disconnected from happiness because they have meltdowns and their life is bad". I rebuke it. And enough said.