Is that a thing? Is there anyone else who's like that, or am I the only one who feels this way?
To share some light on the subject, I've been battling anxiety issues for...awhile and have only been diagnosed with OCD recently, but since then, my OCD's revolved predominantly around Scrupulousity.
To be honest, since I was "awoken" spiritually around the beginning of last August, the best I can explain how I feel to anyone is that: I feel like I'm completely divided in two. Half of me wants to do every possible thing a Christian would spiritually want to do. The other half of me wants absolutely nothing to do with God, Jesus, the Bible, or Christianity altogether; and this act alone petrifies me.
I'm tormented day after day with worries and thoughts like "what if I'm not saved?" or "why did I forget to pray or read my Bible this morning?" or "am I doing something wrong?" and lastly "what if I don't have faith in Jesus...at all?"
As of right now, I feel spiritually exhausted...drained...dry. Whatever the wording is, nonetheless: I'm exhausted!
To take it back around that time in the beginning of August, I probably asked Jesus to be the Lord over my life maybe 2-4 times a day. Hoping maybe I could be "more sincere" the next time I prayed, the more I lacked that "feeling" that I was forgiven and saved the more I just wanted to cry. My dad would come into my room and read 2 Corinthians 5:17 over and over again, believing that that single verse could possibly make my day any better but I freaked out not feeling much to it other than overall having this acknowledgement that simple knowledge of me believing in Jesus' existence (this is what I believed 16 years prior before the beginning of that August) wasn't going to get me into Heaven.
The swirl with a cherry on top is that I'm more of an intellectual person than someone who is emotional, so when you come to have problems with mental illnesses, it's kind of a major red flag...especially when you're being fed lies from every aspect. Back to the half and half, as I said, it can be pretty drastic, and I mean drastic! Reiterating: one half wants to be saved and known as God's child, whilst the other half wants to completely walk away from the faith (there are moments where I just want to physically tear that part out). Sometimes I blame the world, sometimes I blame the flesh, sometimes I blame the father of lies, but now it's gotten to the point where I'm asking...maybe it's just me?
I've had struggles with reading the Bible because it seems like the moment I open it, doubts flood in like nobody's business. For example, I'll be reading in the middle of John 11:4 then something will buzz in "Oh Hannah, these are all just stories remember? You don't want to read it!" so then I'll find myself worrying and pray 'Okay, Heavenly Father, I know these thoughts aren't of You. Please give me the wisdom to read Your Word." And assuming all is well, I'll read on down to, like, John 11:16 and then similar thoughts will come back again; "Hannah, please, this is all boring. Go back to your room and play the piano or watch those cussing YouTube videos you used to love!"
Both my parents are strongly opinionated Calvinistic Baptists (I'm more Baptist, less Calvinist) and when they talk about Predestination and how "I'm in God's Book [-of Life]", when I look back on my prayer life and how I'm constantly begging God for faith and reassurance and not ever really hearing Him.......and then having my spiritual desires split right in half...could it be...that I'm not one of God's Elect? Could it be that He's not really drawing me? As much as I want to be God's child...is it possible that I'm not meant to be...? The negative thoughts are so overpowering that I've begun to think maybe there's a possibility that I don't truly mean it and that I'm not meant to be saved. Can anyone help me with this?
To share some light on the subject, I've been battling anxiety issues for...awhile and have only been diagnosed with OCD recently, but since then, my OCD's revolved predominantly around Scrupulousity.
To be honest, since I was "awoken" spiritually around the beginning of last August, the best I can explain how I feel to anyone is that: I feel like I'm completely divided in two. Half of me wants to do every possible thing a Christian would spiritually want to do. The other half of me wants absolutely nothing to do with God, Jesus, the Bible, or Christianity altogether; and this act alone petrifies me.
I'm tormented day after day with worries and thoughts like "what if I'm not saved?" or "why did I forget to pray or read my Bible this morning?" or "am I doing something wrong?" and lastly "what if I don't have faith in Jesus...at all?"
As of right now, I feel spiritually exhausted...drained...dry. Whatever the wording is, nonetheless: I'm exhausted!
To take it back around that time in the beginning of August, I probably asked Jesus to be the Lord over my life maybe 2-4 times a day. Hoping maybe I could be "more sincere" the next time I prayed, the more I lacked that "feeling" that I was forgiven and saved the more I just wanted to cry. My dad would come into my room and read 2 Corinthians 5:17 over and over again, believing that that single verse could possibly make my day any better but I freaked out not feeling much to it other than overall having this acknowledgement that simple knowledge of me believing in Jesus' existence (this is what I believed 16 years prior before the beginning of that August) wasn't going to get me into Heaven.
The swirl with a cherry on top is that I'm more of an intellectual person than someone who is emotional, so when you come to have problems with mental illnesses, it's kind of a major red flag...especially when you're being fed lies from every aspect. Back to the half and half, as I said, it can be pretty drastic, and I mean drastic! Reiterating: one half wants to be saved and known as God's child, whilst the other half wants to completely walk away from the faith (there are moments where I just want to physically tear that part out). Sometimes I blame the world, sometimes I blame the flesh, sometimes I blame the father of lies, but now it's gotten to the point where I'm asking...maybe it's just me?
I've had struggles with reading the Bible because it seems like the moment I open it, doubts flood in like nobody's business. For example, I'll be reading in the middle of John 11:4 then something will buzz in "Oh Hannah, these are all just stories remember? You don't want to read it!" so then I'll find myself worrying and pray 'Okay, Heavenly Father, I know these thoughts aren't of You. Please give me the wisdom to read Your Word." And assuming all is well, I'll read on down to, like, John 11:16 and then similar thoughts will come back again; "Hannah, please, this is all boring. Go back to your room and play the piano or watch those cussing YouTube videos you used to love!"
Both my parents are strongly opinionated Calvinistic Baptists (I'm more Baptist, less Calvinist) and when they talk about Predestination and how "I'm in God's Book [-of Life]", when I look back on my prayer life and how I'm constantly begging God for faith and reassurance and not ever really hearing Him.......and then having my spiritual desires split right in half...could it be...that I'm not one of God's Elect? Could it be that He's not really drawing me? As much as I want to be God's child...is it possible that I'm not meant to be...? The negative thoughts are so overpowering that I've begun to think maybe there's a possibility that I don't truly mean it and that I'm not meant to be saved. Can anyone help me with this?