Fear Of Not Being God's Child

HannahElizaW

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Is that a thing? Is there anyone else who's like that, or am I the only one who feels this way?
To share some light on the subject, I've been battling anxiety issues for...awhile and have only been diagnosed with OCD recently, but since then, my OCD's revolved predominantly around Scrupulousity.
To be honest, since I was "awoken" spiritually around the beginning of last August, the best I can explain how I feel to anyone is that: I feel like I'm completely divided in two. Half of me wants to do every possible thing a Christian would spiritually want to do. The other half of me wants absolutely nothing to do with God, Jesus, the Bible, or Christianity altogether; and this act alone petrifies me.
I'm tormented day after day with worries and thoughts like "what if I'm not saved?" or "why did I forget to pray or read my Bible this morning?" or "am I doing something wrong?" and lastly "what if I don't have faith in Jesus...at all?"
As of right now, I feel spiritually exhausted...drained...dry. Whatever the wording is, nonetheless: I'm exhausted!
To take it back around that time in the beginning of August, I probably asked Jesus to be the Lord over my life maybe 2-4 times a day. Hoping maybe I could be "more sincere" the next time I prayed, the more I lacked that "feeling" that I was forgiven and saved the more I just wanted to cry. My dad would come into my room and read 2 Corinthians 5:17 over and over again, believing that that single verse could possibly make my day any better but I freaked out not feeling much to it other than overall having this acknowledgement that simple knowledge of me believing in Jesus' existence (this is what I believed 16 years prior before the beginning of that August) wasn't going to get me into Heaven.
The swirl with a cherry on top is that I'm more of an intellectual person than someone who is emotional, so when you come to have problems with mental illnesses, it's kind of a major red flag...especially when you're being fed lies from every aspect. Back to the half and half, as I said, it can be pretty drastic, and I mean drastic! Reiterating: one half wants to be saved and known as God's child, whilst the other half wants to completely walk away from the faith (there are moments where I just want to physically tear that part out). Sometimes I blame the world, sometimes I blame the flesh, sometimes I blame the father of lies, but now it's gotten to the point where I'm asking...maybe it's just me?
I've had struggles with reading the Bible because it seems like the moment I open it, doubts flood in like nobody's business. For example, I'll be reading in the middle of John 11:4 then something will buzz in "Oh Hannah, these are all just stories remember? You don't want to read it!" so then I'll find myself worrying and pray 'Okay, Heavenly Father, I know these thoughts aren't of You. Please give me the wisdom to read Your Word." And assuming all is well, I'll read on down to, like, John 11:16 and then similar thoughts will come back again; "Hannah, please, this is all boring. Go back to your room and play the piano or watch those cussing YouTube videos you used to love!"
Both my parents are strongly opinionated Calvinistic Baptists (I'm more Baptist, less Calvinist) and when they talk about Predestination and how "I'm in God's Book [-of Life]", when I look back on my prayer life and how I'm constantly begging God for faith and reassurance and not ever really hearing Him.......and then having my spiritual desires split right in half...could it be...that I'm not one of God's Elect? Could it be that He's not really drawing me? As much as I want to be God's child...is it possible that I'm not meant to be...? The negative thoughts are so overpowering that I've begun to think maybe there's a possibility that I don't truly mean it and that I'm not meant to be saved. Can anyone help me with this?
 
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HannahElizaW,

I think nearly every sincere Christian has struggled with what you're describing at some point. Setting aside for a moment your OCD diagnosis, one verse in particular comes to mind when I read your post, which really took a load off of my heart when I was recently having similar thoughts to yours (though not nearly as intense by the sound of it): Romans 11:32.

"For God has consigned all to disobedience, that he may have mercy on all."

Hannah, you can't live a perfect life, either internally or externally. Not even close. And this is not so that you will hate or constantly doubt yourself, but so that you will rest in God's boundless mercy rather than the fruit of your own efforts.

Don't know if you've heard this distinction before, but Satan attacks us in two different ways: temptation and accusation. In temptation, Satan exaggerates God's love but hides His holiness from us, so that we do things we shouldn't do because "God will always love us anyway." In accusation, Satan exaggerates God's holiness but hides His love, so that we do things we shouldn't because "what's the use, I'll never please God." You are definitely under accusation right now.

Try to remember that God loves you unconditionally. Not because of who you are (as then there would be conditions) but because of who He is. Even just reading your post, I wish I could give you a big hug; and am I more compassionate than God? "If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:11)

If you continue to struggle with this for some time, do not despair. If you feel God's absence in your life, even for a protracted length of time, that doesn't mean your feelings are accurate. Job suffered mightily and endured God's silence for some length of time, even though Job was (according to God!) "blameless and upright." In the end, God will vindicate you against Satan's accusations and the doubts of your own heart. Because He loves you. He really does.
 
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when i read Paul in Romans 7 I feel so much better as a Christian, If someone like Paul can say how do I find it so easy to do the things i shouldn't and so hard to do the things i should, why should I worry about my place with God.
Paul was mightily used to plant churches, encourage believers, spread the gospel and he struggled with sin but God used him.
How come? because we are saved by Grace, that is undeserved, unmerited favour, we could not have done it by ourselves, Jesus did it all we Just believe on him as our saviour and we receive salvation by his sacrifice, we also gain the free gift of righteousness, that is the righteousness of Jesus, so now we have rightstanding with Jesus, come judgement Jesus has enabled us to stand boldly before God and to plead not guilty because all our sins were payed for at the cross.
Do you believe for one minute Paul will not be in heaven, he said he still sins, but in romans 8 vs 1 he says but there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, he realises that we don't have to be perfect to be saved or remain saved because God Grace covers what we are lacking, notice he says no condemnation, so it is not like we will not do anything wrong because we cannot help ourselves but thanks to God's grace we will not be condemned for what we do wrong, the payment for what we did wrong has been met in full by Jesus.
the two halves fighting are law and Grace, your body and mind is trying to keep the law and that is impossible and that is a trick of the enemy who ants you to fail and then give up, the truth is grasp the Grace of God, the undeserved favour of God and know, it is not about your performance as a person but on the fact you accepted Jesus as your Saviour and he is perfect, the perfect sacrifice once and for all for all whom believe.
All the time I tell the enemy i might be a rubbish Christian but i have a fantastic and flawless saviour.
rest in the finished woks of Jesus your saviour and you will soon know the enemy is defeated.
God bless you.
 
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Leet

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Hannah, I have similar struggles. Not exactly the same but similar. I love the two replies above mine. This is something I came across on FB on the official Derek Prince page (now-deceased author and minister of the gospel) right when I needed it, so I looked it up again to show you:
<edit, can't post links til post count is 50. Picture said:

Let me reassure you: If there is ever some force in your mind saying that you are no good, that you will never make it, that you will never know victory, that you are a failure, or that God has given up on you, it is not the Holy Spirit speaking to you. It is not the truth. It's a lie!

I saw this when I was freaking out about predestination, or whatever that thing is about the elect. It came to me that there would be no struggle over your soul or mine if God weren't drawing us by his Spirit to himself. Everyone seeking the Lord needs to immerse themselves in the Bible, no matter the type of failings or struggles but especially (IMO) when the mind is a mess. It's in all of us to go our own way but thank God for Jesus who intercedes when we've had enough of fighting ourselves.
:prayer:
 
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FutureAndAHope

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For example, I'll be reading in the middle of John 11:4 then something will buzz in "Oh Hannah, these are all just stories remember? You don't want to read it!" so then I'll find myself worrying and pray 'Okay, Heavenly Father, I know these thoughts aren't of You. Please give me the wisdom to read Your Word." And assuming all is well, I'll read on down to, like, John 11:16 and then similar thoughts will come back again; "Hannah, please, this is all boring. Go back to your room and play the piano or watch those cussing YouTube videos you used to love!"

Firstly I would like to assure you that you are not wasting your time reading the bible, and that the stories are indeed true. I have been a Christian for some years now and God has performed many of the miracles for me that he did in the bible. He has healed the sick through prayer instantly, he has given blessing, he has spoken to me and told me many future events, which have come to pass. Two of the most recent stories can be found on Everybody Matters Ministry | Online Church

I say this to assure you that the miraculous is available to you, as you seek God.

Seeking God is good, but don't let it replace your natural life either. God wants you to enjoy your life. Play your piano if you get bored. Have you thought about learning some Christian songs, that you could play before God.

Ecc 7:16-17 Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself? Be not over much wicked, neither be thou foolish: why shouldest thou die before thy time?
 
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softspokenLamb

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Christians everywhere go through this exact struggle. It's part of carrying a cross for Christ. The fact that you are still fighting to stay close to God is encouraging! There's always going to be a side of you that loves basking in the filth the world tries to tempt you with, and the accusations that come afterwards are equally crippling. Remain in Jesus' love, and you've already won! You will always be His child, no matter how many times you may slip up! And as you obviously know, this does not encourage sin at all, far from it. It's what makes true repentance and forgiveness in God all the more rewarding. Continue to live for Him, and He will live in you.
 
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christopher morgan

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Hannah, you are not alone with this one. We live now in the age of reason, science and advanced medicine, we have flown to the moon and driven a buggy on its surface, even this internet connection is amazing technology that I can write to you from Melbourne Australia. So then we read some stories 2000 years old about Jesus and what could that have to do with my mobile phone, facebook world today. So it is understandable we all may face doubts about Jesus and his miracles in particular. But the message that Jesus gave us about how to live is just as important today as ever. I think it is even more important in this materialistic, selfish world. As Christians we believe we are all God's children so that includes you. That is a given. But bringing our spirit alive in accordance with Our Lord's teachings is the real worry in this modern world. And I have that challenge as much as you. And I feel at times when I have done something against Our Lord's teachings that I am separating myself from God not that God is moving away from me. He is still right there with love for me waiting for me to apologise and get back to work growing spiritually.

You don't have to be torn between full belief in the teachings or having no belief. You are a living human being every day of your life.The teachings simply give us the spiritual way to live our physical life to reach heaven. Anyone can do it. When you see a person fall over in the street and you help them up you are a spiritual follower of Jesus in practice. When you tell the truth instead of a lie you are a spiritual follower of Jesus in practice. When you forgive someone who hurt you in a bad way and then pray for them you are a spiritual follower of Jesus in practice. When you are kind, generous, compassionate, caring, loving etc. you are a spiritual follower of Jesus in practice. With every similar action you are strengthening and growing the spiritual reality that you are indeed a child of God and you will be saved. You will in fact be a light of faith in the world through your own simple actions in your daily life. They can definitely go together and in fact we need as many intellectual Christians like yourself as we can get to show that our intellect can go perfectly together with a kind, loving heart. Based for us as Christians on Jesus' teachings.

Anxiety is soon replaced by joy that you are bringing the spiritual love of Our Lord and God into this world through following Our Lord's teachings and using your intelligent mind at the same time. Use your intellect to confirm that the teachings of Our Lord are the best way to live in this world. I think they are beautiful. The wisdom of some of the parables are just brilliant both intellectually and spiritually. There are many wealthy people divorced, unhappy, or just mean spirited. So we know material possessions alone do not bring you true happiness. I know many people who have thrown away the teachings and even disparage them as useless and i have seen them grow more selfish and less caring. But I also know many simple people who still love and practice the teachings and are still helpful and caring. As I have aged I can give witness to the benefit of the teachings bringing happiness, contentment, fulfilment and peace into people's lives. So don't worry too much. As you yourself feel the love of Our Lord working through you in your human life and actions all doubt will slowly vanish. May the draining doubt be replaced with an endless, intelligent energy to be a loving soul inspired by Our lord, christopher
 
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ToBeLoved

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Hannah,

I don't know much about the mental illness Scrupulocity, but I have come across many people on Christian Forums that have this, so you are in no way alone. Also, since you have OCD and anxiety, it is fairly common for someone who has one mental illness to have multiple mental illnesses.

What I would recommend is to know the promises of God. God is perfect, He cannot not keep His promises!

* I will NEVER leave you or forsake you
* no prinipality nor power in heaven or on earth can remove you from Jesus right hand.
* call on the name of the Lord and you will be (are) saved.
* God will forgive you from all sin and cleanse you from all unrigteousness

Those are some promises that you can read to yourself when these fears come into your mind. God's promises are SO MUCH Stronger than your fears, Hannah. I will also be praying for you. Start a prayer thread in the 'Prayer Requests' section.

Stay strong.
 
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Iaras

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Is that a thing? Is there anyone else who's like that, or am I the only one who feels this way?
To share some light on the subject, I've been battling anxiety issues for...awhile and have only been diagnosed with OCD recently, but since then, my OCD's revolved predominantly around Scrupulousity.
To be honest, since I was "awoken" spiritually around the beginning of last August, the best I can explain how I feel to anyone is that: I feel like I'm completely divided in two. Half of me wants to do every possible thing a Christian would spiritually want to do. The other half of me wants absolutely nothing to do with God, Jesus, the Bible, or Christianity altogether; and this act alone petrifies me.
I'm tormented day after day with worries and thoughts like "what if I'm not saved?" or "why did I forget to pray or read my Bible this morning?" or "am I doing something wrong?" and lastly "what if I don't have faith in Jesus...at all?"
As of right now, I feel spiritually exhausted...drained...dry. Whatever the wording is, nonetheless: I'm exhausted!
To take it back around that time in the beginning of August, I probably asked Jesus to be the Lord over my life maybe 2-4 times a day. Hoping maybe I could be "more sincere" the next time I prayed, the more I lacked that "feeling" that I was forgiven and saved the more I just wanted to cry. My dad would come into my room and read 2 Corinthians 5:17 over and over again, believing that that single verse could possibly make my day any better but I freaked out not feeling much to it other than overall having this acknowledgement that simple knowledge of me believing in Jesus' existence (this is what I believed 16 years prior before the beginning of that August) wasn't going to get me into Heaven.
The swirl with a cherry on top is that I'm more of an intellectual person than someone who is emotional, so when you come to have problems with mental illnesses, it's kind of a major red flag...especially when you're being fed lies from every aspect. Back to the half and half, as I said, it can be pretty drastic, and I mean drastic! Reiterating: one half wants to be saved and known as God's child, whilst the other half wants to completely walk away from the faith (there are moments where I just want to physically tear that part out). Sometimes I blame the world, sometimes I blame the flesh, sometimes I blame the father of lies, but now it's gotten to the point where I'm asking...maybe it's just me?
I've had struggles with reading the Bible because it seems like the moment I open it, doubts flood in like nobody's business. For example, I'll be reading in the middle of John 11:4 then something will buzz in "Oh Hannah, these are all just stories remember? You don't want to read it!" so then I'll find myself worrying and pray 'Okay, Heavenly Father, I know these thoughts aren't of You. Please give me the wisdom to read Your Word." And assuming all is well, I'll read on down to, like, John 11:16 and then similar thoughts will come back again; "Hannah, please, this is all boring. Go back to your room and play the piano or watch those cussing YouTube videos you used to love!"
Both my parents are strongly opinionated Calvinistic Baptists (I'm more Baptist, less Calvinist) and when they talk about Predestination and how "I'm in God's Book [-of Life]", when I look back on my prayer life and how I'm constantly begging God for faith and reassurance and not ever really hearing Him.......and then having my spiritual desires split right in half...could it be...that I'm not one of God's Elect? Could it be that He's not really drawing me? As much as I want to be God's child...is it possible that I'm not meant to be...? The negative thoughts are so overpowering that I've begun to think maybe there's a possibility that I don't truly mean it and that I'm not meant to be saved. Can anyone help me with this?

HOW ARE YOU NOW? HOPEFULLY WE CAN TALK EACH OTHER IM IN THE SAME PROBLEM
 
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ldonjohn

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One thing that really helps me to overcome negative thinking is to focus my thoughts on the finished work of Jesus on the cross where he settled the sin question forever for everyone who will simple come to him as a sinner who needs a savior.
The hymn "It Is Well with My Soul" helps me to focus on the message of the cross. I have committed the entire hymn to memory and repeat the words often; especially the third verse:
My sin oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin not the part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord Praise the Lord oh my soul
It Is Well with My Soul, Horatio G. Spafford

Regards

John

 
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