there's this girl I like in church/ advice needed

I think you are overthinking the conversation part, just ask her questions about herself and see where the conversation flows from there. I will be praying for you to find the right mate! God bless!

She's too young for you. Sorry to say it, but you should not think of this as possibly leading to anything. The age gap isn't critical--when the parties are both older--but that's not so at this age (26 and 17).

StephenJSheridan said:

So I've been attending this church for over 8 months now. and for the past 5-6 months I have felt drawn to this lovely girl of a family whom I've become good friends with over the time I have been attending this church. But there are a few things standing in my way as of now. For one thing at the moment she is not of age (she'll be 18 in April) and there is a bit of an age gap between us around 9 years (I'm not concerned about the age difference as her older sister just married an older guy and they have a similar age gap). But what I am most needing advice in right now is how to go about getting to know this girl and starting a FRIENDship with this girl. I mean I don't have issues talking and having friendships with other women in my church (maybe it's because I'm not being drawn to them as I am to this girl?) Also, I have asperger's and social stuff is not as easy for me as it is to most people.
I've talked with her briefly here and there at Church and other church related activities. But, I can't seem to be able to start a conversation with her (maybe because she's always surrounded with her girlfriends or other people in the church body having conversations with her.)
Prayers would be good as well. Thank you.

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First thing I would note is remember a relationship is a two way street, but I do believe that you are best to keep your distance until she is 18.

You know, she very well may not be a good match for you, so do prepare for that.

I would also add that what we tend to see as Christians in people is Christ in them, and it is ultimately Christ with whom we have a relationship and will have a relationship with. Point being, that there are many Christians out there. Fixating on one girl can bring about a lot of problems.

I, myself, am not very social, so women who are very social tend to not be the sort I find myself gravitating towards.

If I do, it is because they are forward with me.

This said, I would advise to socialize with other women at the church, to get accustomed doing so -- and you might even find someone else.

With this one particular girl, I am not sure what to say, but maybe try and join something she belongs to. Maybe a home church, or some other group activity, so you can maybe get to know her?

Maybe get her on facebook? Try and find something you two have in common, and see if there is any synergy?

StephenJSheridan said:

what draws me to this girl is how much of a servant she is and how much she loves Christ. Also she has a beautiful smile, but that's just a bonus as I'm not really looking at the exterior. I also love that she has such a great heart for children and seems to be gifted in that area of ministry. I've been praying that this is all in accordance to God's will and that my motives are pure and honorable and for the Lord to stop me if they aren't. I've been praying about this for the past 3 months. I also pray that if it is the Lord's will, that he would draw her to me as He seems to be drawing me to her as well as helping me to grow and mature into the man after His own heart that He desires for her; as well as revealing to me any of my negative characteristics that need to be changed. I am earnestly seeking the Lord on this matter and would really appreciate your prayers as well.

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That doesn't sound compatible with what you wrote earlier:

"But what I am most needing advice in right now is how to go about getting to know this girl and starting a FRIENDship with this girl."

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If you want a friend only, that should be easy. If you want more--as you no doubt do--you would do better to seek a relationship with someone more your own age.

StephenJSheridan said:

So I've been attending this church for over 8 months now. and for the past 5-6 months I have felt drawn to this lovely girl of a family whom I've become good friends with over the time I have been attending this church. But there are a few things standing in my way as of now. For one thing at the moment she is not of age (she'll be 18 in April) and there is a bit of an age gap between us around 9 years (I'm not concerned about the age difference as her older sister just married an older guy and they have a similar age gap). But what I am most needing advice in right now is how to go about getting to know this girl and starting a FRIENDship with this girl. I mean I don't have issues talking and having friendships with other women in my church (maybe it's because I'm not being drawn to them as I am to this girl?) Also, I have asperger's and social stuff is not as easy for me as it is to most people.
I've talked with her briefly here and there at Church and other church related activities. But, I can't seem to be able to start a conversation with her (maybe because she's always surrounded with her girlfriends or other people in the church body having conversations with her.)
Prayers would be good as well. Thank you.

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*I would say you know as much about her as you need to know at this time...
she's not of age yet and is in high school... treat her as you would your own sibling if you have one.

Continue walking closely with the Lord and maturing in faith.

I have to admit that if a 26 year old guy had shown romantic interest in my daughter when she was 17 (which, despite saying you want to know about friendship, you've already made it clear that that's what you ultimately would like)- I'd have been very unhappy and would have made sure he kept his distance.

To be honest, a guy just past his mid -twenties showing that sort of interest in a minor is inappropriate, no matter how innocent he may think it is.

A nine year age gap may not be a big deal between a couple who have both done their growing and maturing into adulthood. But it's a HUGE deal when it's between a grown man and a kid.

An age gap itself isn't always a problem (I'm older than my husband- and the gap is meaningless in adulthood) but any age gap is a big deal when one of the pair is barely out of childhood! Think of it this way- 5 years ago you were a 21 year old man. She was 12 year old little girl. She hasn't finished the maturing process yet, even if she may be mature for her age.

Who knows, maybe things will work out one day for you both- but think carefully.

I really, really would keep my distance before she's an adult, and even then tread a little carefully while she's still so young. Obviously she's not going to suddenly be all-grown-up-and -ready-for-serious-stuff the minute she turns 18!

As BFine says, I think it's more appropriate to treat her more as you would a sibling than a potential girlfriend at this age.

Albion said:

She's too young for you. Sorry to say it, but you should not think of this as possibly leading to anything. The age gap isn't critical--when the parties are both older--but that's not so at this age (26 and 17).

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Many people have celebrated happy golden anniversaries with age gaps bigger than the one you described. When she is l8 she is an adult. Period. On the other hand, if her parents don't want you to date her, you should back off right away.

And btw I got married at 17 to a teacher 14 years older than me. It would have made no difference if I had been 18 and he had been younger. The marriage did not last, but it had nothing to do with our ages and we are still good friends. An older guy, well you can see more how he has turned out. Another 17 year old, you are looking at a boy who could go in many different directions.

Youtube and other places are full of ways to start conversations with open ended Qs and so on. I would concentrate on nonverbal communication when she seems all busy with other folk. Catch her eye and just smile at such times. Maybe give a little wink from time to time in a friendly way.

When you get a chance, give her a compliment, something very sincere of course. Maybe not about how attractive she is (maybe after a few dates on that) but something like how well she does or did something.

Do you have any mutual friends or acquaintances that could kind of get you two into a conversation? Maybe someone who could just tell her that you find her to be very impressive and interesting. Then see how she reacts.

Does she have any kind of interest or skill that you could ask her for advice about it, or get a more expert opinion that you would have yourself? Maybe you could ask for a friend or relative. Who cares if they really want help or not! lol

Praying for guidance and wisdom in this.

And p.s. when Jacob met Rachel he was in his 50s, I believe, and she was apparently just a kid. Children tend the sheep in that area, as she was doing. This may be why it was part of the deal that he wait for 7 years to marry her. The important thing is, what is Abba saying to you?

LoricaLady said:

Many people have celebrated happy golden anniversaries with age gaps bigger than the one you described.

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Anything's possible, but the odds are strongly against this particular age gap--a 26 year old and a minor. This is pretty well known.

And btw I got married at 17 to a teacher 14 years older than me. It would have made no difference if I had been 18 and he had been younger. The marriage did not last

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Could you possibly have proven my point any better?

StephenJSheridan said:

I was just asking on how to get to know her as a person better, a way to start a friendship. I wouldn't even dream of thinking of a relationship with her (once she is of age) if she didn't show or reciprocate my feelings. I want it to evolve naturally from a friendship into a relationship only if she shows an interest and it is in accordance with God's will and IF she DID show an interest once she's of age I wouldn't dream of starting anything with her until I had prayed about it, got approval from her parents, and met with my paster about it as well as my parents. This isn't something I am treating lightly/casually. This is serious stuff and I want to be sure this is of the Lord and not of my self. When it comes to finding my future wife, I am putting all my trust/reliance/faith in the Lord to lead me to her and not trust in some dating site.

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*In your original post you said: "So I've been attending this church for over 8 months now. and for the past 5-6 months I have felt drawn to this lovely girl of a family whom I've become good friends with over the time I have been attending this church."

Since you are good friends with her family, then you can get to know
about her via her parents...it's normal to find out things about people over
time...especially with friends that you attend church with.


From another thread of yours: "I've gone from sitting in the very back row in Church with my parents to the VERY front row and have so many friends in Church and I tend to stay for nearly an hour after church versus finding the nearest exit as soon as the service was over to avoid the socialization!
I love the socialization with my fellow brothers and sisters!"

*That's a big improvement from being on the back row to moving to the
front row at church-- not to mention staying after church to socialize with
your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ-- way to go!

Since you have many friends at church, you could have a friend to invite
the girl to join up with you and others after church-- like go get something
to eat or something. It is often less stressful to talk when others are around,
that way you can ask about what music do they like or find out the last movie
they watched etc...that way you would discover things not only about her but about your other friends as well.

Albion said:

Anything's possible, but the odds are strongly against this particular age gap--a 26 year old and a minor. This is pretty well known.


Could you possibly have proven my point any better?

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How did I prove your point? You don't even know the reason for our split as I did not mention it. Actually there were several reasons. People get divorced all the time for various reasons. Again, you have no clue what was going on with my former husband and me and I specifically stated that our age difference at marriage had nothing to do with our problems. Please read more carefully. We all have a tendency to write too fast in responding at times.

StephenJSheridan said:

I was just asking on how to get to know her as a person better, a way to start a friendship. I wouldn't even dream of thinking of a relationship with her (once she is of age) if she didn't show or reciprocate my feelings. I want it to evolve naturally from a friendship into a relationship only if she shows an interest and it is in accordance with God's will and IF she DID show an interest once she's of age I wouldn't dream of starting anything with her until I had prayed about it, got approval from her parents, and met with my paster about it as well as my parents. This isn't something I am treating lightly/casually. This is serious stuff and I want to be sure this is of the Lord and not of my self. When it comes to finding my future wife, I am putting all my trust/reliance/faith in the Lord to lead me to her and not trust in some dating site.

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Since you are seeking the Father and would no way proceed into a relationship w/o the approval of the parents, and would let her be if she did not reciprocate your feelings, I see no harm whatsoever in your intentions.

LoricaLady said:

How did I prove your point? You don't even know the reason for our split as I did not mention it.

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I suggested that these kinds of relationships usually don't work out ...and you confirmed that with your own personal experience and testimony. Of course you can be counted upon to say that the break up was for other reasons, but the age difference certainly was a factor, and you did break up.

StephenJSheridan said:

I was just asking on how to get to know her as a person better, a way to start a friendship. I wouldn't even dream of thinking of a relationship with her (once she is of age) if she didn't show or reciprocate my feelings. I want it to evolve naturally from a friendship into a relationship only if she shows an interest and it is in accordance with God's will and IF she DID show an interest once she's of age I wouldn't dream of starting anything with her until I had prayed about it, got approval from her parents, and met with my paster about it as well as my parents. This isn't something I am treating lightly/casually. This is serious stuff and I want to be sure this is of the Lord and not of my self. When it comes to finding my future wife, I am putting all my trust/reliance/faith in the Lord to lead me to her and not trust in some dating site.

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Read the past two responses... and some of the other poster's responses. I have three daughters, one son.

For me, I look to character. Then, there are other factors, including superficial ones like "are they good looking" and "do they have a stable job".

But above all character, and frankly, a lot of the character of many males of this generation seem sorely lacking. Stuff like "is the guy thinking about sex", "is he true", "is he intent on marriage and can he handle marriage". Does he use drugs, or alcohol. Is he mentally and emotionally stable.

One major hit is if they are chauvinist, sexist at all. Which is very common in this generation.

Age gap, isn't much at play in any of that.

When I was 17 I was spending all my time with a 30 year old female. She helped me considerably. We never slept together (she said I was "too pure"), but we did literally, physically sleep together.

And I ended up with a girl two years older then me. The girl before her I had previously dated was two years older then me (and was dating a boy who was 30).


In your case, I am more concerned about her being very social, and you not being very social. There are plenty of women who are not very social, and they unfairly do not get the attention they deserve.

Main concern there is really about you and your expectations.

This is also often generally with young males: having expectations they may get somewhere with someone, when they really have no chance. This is especially true when they have not dated much already, and so their options are limited.

The fact is simply that there are a lot of wonderful young women out there. You can sign up with sites and start dating these days. No fuss necessary.

I do believe in "true love" and that there is "one" for everyone, but ultimately that is all towards God through Christ. Otherwise, there are a lot of women you could jive with until that Day comes.

Albion said:

I suggested that these kinds of relationships usually don't work out ...and you confirmed that with your own personal experience and testimony. Of course you can be counted upon to say that the break up was for other reasons, but the age difference certainly was a factor, and you did break up.

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So, with no data whatsoever on what actually transpired in my marriage, you not only know why it ended, you know that I "can be counted upon to say" something that isn't true? Wow. How presumptuous, not to mention insulting, of you.

Why don't you stick to the purpose of this string and refrain from making personal insults and intrusive, clueless, remarks about some other poster's personal life - which you know nothing about?

You also might want to look up the logical fallacy of presuming omniscience since you are committing it big time. In fact, you might want to study logic in general, along with the necessity of having adequate data before drawing conclusions. (Not that I would want to share such with you, or be interested in any further of your "conclusions.")

And oh yeal, "Do not judge lest you be judged." Don't forget that one!

Hi there OP! My 2 cents from being in a steady relationship with a girl 4 years my Junior. I got together with her when she was 19, we started talking since she was 18.

I think there are certain ages where the gap doesn't matter, say a person who is 70 vs a person who is 80. However, we experience alot of "life" through the years of 17-22, I would say.

The first few months with my girlfriend was really really tough, while her personality and everything was great, her attitude was really still a teenage mentality. She was very selfish at times(instinctively,shes a very gracious person most of the time), she could be childish, and also very insecure.

As the time grew over she naturally matured, and boy oh boy do i have the woman of my dreams now.

My whole point here is to remember that you are much older than she, and you have to converse with her and treat her the age that she is.

All the best in your endeavors!

P.S MY FIRST POST!