Testimony

I had this as a journal entry but didn't realize there was a forum for them.

Testimony: Forgiveness, Anger and Rage.  Part 1

After reading many of the threads about anger, rage and forgiveness I have decided to tell part of my life story and testimony. Much of my life was a struggle with all three of these things but ended up in victory over anger and rage God granting me the gift of forgiveness.
As with everyone else here I had no control over what family I was born in to. The first five years of my life I was bounced through a dozen foster homes and spent little time with my birth family. The time I did spend there was horrible to say the least. The only memory I have of my father was him taking his belt and hitting my face with it for putting water in the sand box after being told not to. The only memory I have of my mother is her screaming as he beat her. The other few memories that I do have are basically feelings of terror. When I was five I was adopted by the people I call my parents. They picked me and they knew that I was one messed up and hurting little boy. They showed me love that I had never seen before. They also introduced me to a God that I had never heard about before. At the age of seven I remember praying with the pastor at our church to become a Christian. My walk with God had begun.

Although I love my parent dearly now, it was not always that way. For years and years I hated my mother because of one mistake she made. My parents were very brave in that they knew that I was abused before I was adopted but they did not spare the rod. My parents still spanked me when I needed it, and unfortunately, on occasion when I didn't. There was a time that I was out with my Mom at a friend of hers and I embarrassed her some how. Well when we got home she took me upstairs and grabbed one of my Dads belts. She did not realize that it had metal studs all down it. As it hurt like heck I tried to get away, but she was mad as heck and tried to keep spanking me. The result was bruises all over my bottom and my lower back. It was at this point I started to hate my Mother. She had done to me the very thing that they were to have rescued me from. Oh how strong I hated her. Over the years this hate for her grew. There were many times that she would exaggerate or lie to my Dad about something I had done. This caused many fights between my Dad and I. My Dad did not take kindly to my saying she was lying.

At the age of 18 I had enough and ran away from home. It was during this time that God taught me forgiveness. It was also during this time that God took away almost all the other distractions in my life, including the girl that I had dated for the past five years. God slowed life down to a crawl so that He could get my attention. During this time I spent a lot of time reading the Bible and praying. Although I first prayed the prayer of forgiveness when I was seven, it was at this time in my life that I committed my life to God. It was also the time in my life where I saw God as the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It was at this time that I realized I had a heavenly Father that loved me more than anything. He would not beat me, He would not despise me, He would not call me names or put me down. He loved me so much that He sacrificed His own Son for me. It was at this time that I fell in love with my heavenly Father. It was at this time that Jesus became my closest friend. It was during this time that the Holy Spirit became the One that comforted my and guided me. This time was and still is one of the high points in my relationship with God. During this time I spent a lot of time focusing on my salvation and what God had done for me. While doing this I learned about Gods forgiveness and in turn the Holy Spirit gave me a gift of forgiveness. As a result of this I forgave my birth father for all that he had done to me. I forgave all the foster families that I was angry with. Then I forgave my adopted parents. It was at this time that I realized that they were my salvation on earth.

As I mentioned above, we don’t have a choice in what family we are born in to. It is also true that we have no choice but be born in to a sinful life. And just as my adopted parents didn’t have to adopt me, they did. They did knowing that I was a messed up boy and I was not going to be an easy road. They went to court and ‘paid’ the price to have me become part of their family and in doing so saved me from miserable life. God did this for us too. He chose us even though he knew we were ‘messed up’ and that we will fail Him over and over. He sent His Son to die for us and pay the price for us to be part of His family and not only that but also saved me from eternity in Hell. As God showed me this I not only forgave my parents but also began to love my mother and father. Even though they were not perfect parents (don’t think that there is such a thing) and they made mistakes along the way, they saved me from a miserable life. I actually appreciated all that they had done. I praised God for them and thanked Him for them. I ended up calling my parents and asking for forgiveness and moved back home. Now life was not smooth by any means when I moved home, but things were pointed in the right direction. It is the same as our salvation. Just because we are saved and have chose to follow God, doesn’t mean that we don’t have to still live with the consequence of our sins.

Then came Bible College. This is where God gave me the ultimate test in forgiveness. While at Bible College my parents gave me a call one day, they wanted to meet. It sounded serious and it was. When we met they handed me a piece of paper that that was cut out of the newspaper. The title was, ‘Sister looks for long lost brother,’ and I was the long lost brother. I admire my parents to this day for giving me that piece of paper. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. They had spent the past 16 years hiding and protecting me from my past only to turn around and give me the key to opening it. In the article there was a phone number to call, it was my sister’s home number. After going back to the college (was living at the college) I prayed alone and then with a friend. Then I called the number and then over then next three months God blew me away. My sister lived about five minutes from the college. Over the three months that I spent in contact with my sister I found out a lot of what happened when I was younger. She was older than me and so had clearer memories than I did. What I found out confirmed what I remembered and she told me of much worse things. My sister was not as lucky as I was and taken out of that family. As a result she ended up with three kids (the first one when she was 16) from three different guys and was engaged to a forth. She was living the miserable life that my parents saved me from. I knew that God was testing me because I had forgiven all that my birth father had done. And through the strength that only God can give I passed the test, I did not take back what I had forgiven. In doing this, my sister saw that there was something different with me and wanted to know what it was. As a result she learned what forgiveness was and what Gods forgiveness was. She became a Christians and shortly afterwards, so did her fiancé. With the help of my adopted sister and friends from school she was placed in a caring church that could help her and her fiancé turn their life around.

Testimony: Forgiveness, Anger and Rage.  Part 2

God had blown me away. My birth sister was now a Christian and her life was turning around. I was thankful that I had made it through the test and had not failed. But that was when God gave me the next test. That is when my birth father called and asked to meet me. It was one of those things that hits you in the stomach and takes away your breath. But in a moment of strength I agreed. Again I prayed and prayed and prayed with friends for strength to make it through the test. I had forgiven this man for terrible things that he had done but I was unsure if I could look him in the eyes. Well the meeting happened and he asked me if I hated him still. I pictured myself talking to God and asking Him if He hates me for the things He has forgiven me. Then answered out loud, ‘No, I have forgiven you.’ The impact it had on him was huge. It was the last thing he was expecting. God had helped me past the test again.

After about three months I had to break contact with my sister because it was draining me and although she did not like to ‘lose’ me again she understood. I kept tabs on her for a couple years and last I heard she was still growing in her faith and doing well.

So at this point in my life God had granted me victory over an unforgiving spirit. But I still had two more things that were major problems in my life, anger and rage. The anger and rage that I had was horrible. It was the same rage that my birth father had shown to me. It is the sickest of all kinds of rage. It is the kind of rage that you totally get lost in and while in it you almost don't know what you are doing. Not only that, you rarely or never express it to someone who can protect them self or 'tell' on you. It is done thinking that you will never get caught or have to pay for what you have done. To know that you have these kinds of feelings inside of you is troubling to say the least. After identifying them and understanding them a bit it changed my life. I didn't want to get married and was totally terrified about the thought of having children. Just the thought of me doing the same thing that my birth father did to a child of my own gave me nightmares. I also kept to myself as much as possible. Because I was prone to flying off the handle and didn't know how to control it I couldn't be around people, especially those that I cared about. When I did fly off the handle I would break things and abuse my own body. I bruised my ribs and really hurt my legs by punching them. If figured it was better than breaking more stuff and much better than taking it out on someone else.
I spent over a year in counseling to help me work through my feelings of anger and rage. Although my counselor was not able to ‘cure’ me of these feelings, he was able to help me understand them more. He taught me some of the things that I needed to do to get control of my anger and rage. The two most important things I learned was first, what are my warning signs that my anger is turning in to rage, and second, what environment or things get me angry. So over the next several months I took note of all the things that got me angry. Video games were a big one. I loved computer games but really hated losing. That was almost an instant ticket to rage. Since I knew that certain games could easily tick me off I stayed away from them or stopped playing them as soon as I felt that I was getting angry. Although I still flipped out a few times, for the most part it worked. I was able to do the same with the other things that caused me to get angry. I was starting to feel victory over anger and rage. But there was still one thing that I wasn’t sure of. What about the anger and rage that my birth father showed me? I hadn’t dealt with that yet and still was concerned about it. What would I do if I had a baby and it got me angry? I couldn’t answer this so I started to think of a way to learn limits with some thing that was innocent and could not protect them self. The answer was a little ball of fur called Shadow. She was a tiny little black kitten and fit the profile of a baby. Over the span of about two months I struggled with anger and rage like I had never had before. Poor Shadow got hit and punched and kicked. I am convinced that God was with that poor kitten because even though I was learning my limits at her expense, she would always cuddle up to me at night. So many nights I would cry myself to sleep because of her and what I had done to her. It was as if she was forgiving me and not willing to give up on me. Well the day came when I kicked her to hard and broke both her back legs. I took her to a friend’s place who was a doctor for help and he said that he couldn’t do anything for her and suggested that I put her down. I started to cry like I have never cried before and never have cried since. Here was this kitten in my arms who was still affectionate towards me after all I had done to it. She was purring and licking the tears that fell on my hand even though what I had done left her rear legs broken. I tried to give her to my friend but she wouldn’t go so I laid her on the ground and watched as put her down. I was torn in two. It was at that point that God had opened my eyes to those feelings of anger and rage. It was at that point that I felt hope that God would grant me victory over those feelings.

Over the next several months God slowly freed me from those feelings of anger and rage. Now today I have two black cats that have never been hit out of anger. Today I also have a wonderful two year old daughter that I have never raised my hand against. I no longer fear anger or rage. God has granted me the victory over them. Not only has He granted me victory, but He has giving me the gift of patience. I still get angry every once in a while, but I know my limits and know what to do to keep from going past them in to rage.

I pray that this will help those out there that are struggling with forgiveness, anger and rage.