How to deal with a spouse w/severe OCD?

berighteous · Sep 17, 2014

I've previously shared some of my struggles in posts in the prayer forum:

christianforums dot com/t7841882/
christianforums dot com/t7802244/

I'm sorry my links are like that ... I don't have 50 posts yet to make links.

Long story short, my wife has severe OCD and her world is getting smaller and smaller every day. We left one apartment because of her OCD (it was totally contaminated, in her eyes), and we are coming close to that point again with our second apartment after one year! :doh:

We've gotten rid of so many things, because she thinks they're all contaminated, and what's left can probably fit easily into one little car now. She won't let me sell stuff that she thinks is contaminated, so we've had to get rid of tens of thousands of dollars worth of things. We're barely lower-middle class, so our finances are struggling greatly too, especially because of this.

She does not believe in pharmaceutical medications ... I've prayed about this for years, without change except for the worse, so this has made my Christian faith waver greatly ... And, because of all her OCD rules she compels me to follow (hundreds, and growing, I've counted), I feel like I am starting to develop OCD and other anxieties myself. We would both be destitute if neither of us could work! I'm not sure what to do anymore. Any advice appreciated.

lyndseyb · Sep 17, 2014

I have contamination OCD.
It really is awful. Like your wife, I have bags of things that are brand new, yet I now feel are 'contaminated' and so cant be used. However, I don't feel comfortable passing these things on to charity or selling them because then I worry I am passing contaminated objects on to other people.
I went through one stage where it was so bad that my hands were covered in tiny cuts and curling in on themselves because of the damage done by obsessive hand washing, and I'd go through soap and clean hand towels at a rate that my parents couldn't keep up with.

I expect you know this already but the recommended treatment for this type of OCD is through exposure, i.e for the sufferer to expose themselves to those things which they believe to be contaminated.
As a sufferer myself I don't underestimate how hard this would be for your wife to do. It is so, so scary to expose ourselves to these things but if she can do it the results are so worth it!

And OK so your wife doesn't like taking medication? I can understand that because my OCD makes me scared to take medications.
However, even without taking any medication there are still other treatment options available.

How does she feel about CBT and/or counseling?
Could you buy some self help books or maybe borrow some from the library?
How about support groups or even just having some kind of communication (email, letters etc) with other sufferers who understand what she is going through?
There are also some great internet forums out there for people with OCD, where she could speak to and get advice from other sufferers.

Im sorry I couldn't offer much useful advice but I am always here if you need to talk to someone who understands.
I will pray for you and your wife.

Jayamashey · Sep 17, 2014

Hi Berighteous,

I really respect how you have been dealing with your wife. Its very important to have an understanding and supportive spouse, but part of that role will be working with her to overcome her struggles. Some of that will be not giving into her compulsions (but at a time when you both agree).

I understand her not wanting to try medications and as someone who has tried and could not tolerate them (tried 8 different types) I wouldn't recommend them. CBT therapy and ERP are very effective. So if counseling is a possibility then please try to see a counselor that specializes in OCD. Otherwise there are some great books, I really liked "the mindfulness workbook for OCD". Its simple to understand and has practical steps to help work on it.

As far as your possessions, would it be possible to put the contaminated items in storage then start to bring them out when working on recovery?

Just some thoughts, but I pray that you guys will start soon and work toward recovery before it starts to really hurt both of you.

ToBeBlessed · Sep 17, 2014

Glad to see you posted over here BeRighteous. I'll be praying for you.

berighteous · Sep 17, 2014

lyndseyb said:
I have contamination OCD.
It really is awful. Like your wife, I have bags of things that are brand new, yet I now feel are 'contaminated' and so cant be used. However, I don't feel comfortable passing these things on to charity or selling them because then I worry I am passing contaminated objects on to other people.
I went through one stage where it was so bad that my hands were covered in tiny cuts and curling in on themselves because of the damage done by obsessive hand washing, and I'd go through soap and clean hand towels at a rate that my parents couldn't keep up with.

I expect you know this already but the recommended treatment for this type of OCD is through exposure, i.e for the sufferer to expose themselves to those things which they believe to be contaminated.
As a sufferer myself I don't underestimate how hard this would be for your wife to do. It is so, so scary to expose ourselves to these things but if she can do it the results are so worth it!

And OK so your wife doesn't like taking medication? I can understand that because my OCD makes me scared to take medications.
However, even without taking any medication there are still other treatment options available.

How does she feel about CBT and/or counseling?
Could you buy some self help books or maybe borrow some from the library?
How about support groups or even just having some kind of communication (email, letters etc) with other sufferers who understand what she is going through?
There are also some great internet forums out there for people with OCD, where she could speak to and get advice from other sufferers.

Im sorry I couldn't offer much useful advice but I am always here if you need to talk to someone who understands.
I will pray for you and your wife.

Thank you, lyndseyb ... yes, my wife's hands are raw too from the constant washing, and so are mine too. She doesn't want anyone to know about her OCD though, so she doesn't want to meet with anyone IRL, but online might be a good idea, thank you.

berighteous · Sep 17, 2014

Jayamashey said:
Hi Berighteous,

I really respect how you have been dealing with your wife. Its very important to have an understanding and supportive spouse, but part of that role will be working with her to overcome her struggles. Some of that will be not giving into her compulsions (but at a time when you both agree).

I understand her not wanting to try medications and as someone who has tried and could not tolerate them (tried 8 different types) I wouldn't recommend them. CBT therapy and ERP are very effective. So if counseling is a possibility then please try to see a counselor that specializes in OCD. Otherwise there are some great books, I really liked "the mindfulness workbook for OCD". Its simple to understand and has practical steps to help work on it.

As far as your possessions, would it be possible to put the contaminated items in storage then start to bring them out when working on recovery?

Just some thoughts, but I pray that you guys will start soon and work toward recovery before it starts to really hurt both of you.

I try to be supportive for her, I just wish I received some support back likewise from her. She isn't willing to resist her compulsions, and she demands that I respect and obey them as well ... or else (divorce, etc.)!

Thank you for the book recommendation. No, she threatened divorce if I kept any of the possessions. But I appreciate your prayers ... her latest threat is that I NEED to abandon my decent paying job to "move her across the country, even though neither of us has jobs there (and no prospects for any job, I've tried), just so that she could feel better in warmer weather".

berighteous · Sep 17, 2014

ToBeBlessed said:
Glad to see you posted over here BeRighteous. I'll be praying for you.

Thank you my friend, we really need it.

Jayamashey · Sep 17, 2014

Its never fair to play the "D" like that.

Honestly, she sounds like she really needs to accept that she has OCD. Seeking help also shouldn't be something to be afraid of. Its nothing to be ashamed of. I have harm OCD which is terribly frightening and I was really scared to tell anyone about it, but once I did it was the best thing I ever did as it helped me come to terms with it and start to deal with it.

I would start by praying that God will open some doors to recovery and openness. If you have any comforting family or friends that together you can approach that may help. She needs to understand how important it is to seek help, for both you individually and your relationship. Otherwise you will both be consumed by the obsessions and it will ruin you.

As far as moving, that would be a terrible idea. Make your next step some type of support.

Jayamashey · Sep 17, 2014

One other comment after reading your other posts. It seems like you are being severely impacted by this. You need to take care of yourself as well. In some ways think of it like the instructions on an airplane, "put the mask over yourself first before helping others". You may need to communicate your needs and the impact this is having on you and your life. While its great you are being a committed spouse, you also have an obligation to take care of yourself.

lyndseyb · Sep 18, 2014

berighteous said:
Thank you, lyndseyb ... yes, my wife's hands are raw too from the constant washing, and so are mine too. She doesn't want anyone to know about her OCD though, so she doesn't want to meet with anyone IRL, but online might be a good idea, thank you.

You know what the stupid thing is about the handwashing?
I, like your wife, have contamination OCD. I have an obsessive fear of germs, chemicals, diseases etc. Ironically by constantly washing my hands I have actually increased my chances of these things happening because the skin on my hands is now more vulnerable to infection due to it being constantly cut open, red raw and having peeling skin.
This, along with the claw shape the obsessive hand washing made my hand fall into, was an effective natural deterrent to want to kerb the hand washing somewhat!

There are many online forums where your wife will be able to speak to other people about her issues. You can't force her to join if she doesn't want to of course, but wouldnt she be interested in talking anonymously with others who are going through the same thing she is going through?

Sending good luck and prayers.

I also echo the other posts about it being important to look after yourself too! Given into her compulsions will only feed the disorder.

KnowHisJoy77 · Sep 18, 2014

berighteous said:
I try to be supportive for her, I just wish I received some support back likewise from her. She isn't willing to resist her compulsions, and she demands that I respect and obey them as well ... or else (divorce, etc.)!

Thank you for the book recommendation. No, she threatened divorce if I kept any of the possessions. But I appreciate your prayers ... her latest threat is that I NEED to abandon my decent paying job to "move her across the country, even though neither of us has jobs there (and no prospects for any job, I've tried), just so that she could feel better in warmer weather".

Praying for you both! You cannot abandon your job. It is very irresponsible to do so. Please, you need to get professional help in how to help and deal with her OCD demands. Do you fellowship and go to church? Many churches have support groups that can be very helpful.

berighteous · Sep 19, 2014

Jayamashey said:
Its never fair to play the "D" like that.

Honestly, she sounds like she really needs to accept that she has OCD. Seeking help also shouldn't be something to be afraid of. Its nothing to be ashamed of. I have harm OCD which is terribly frightening and I was really scared to tell anyone about it, but once I did it was the best thing I ever did as it helped me come to terms with it and start to deal with it.

I would start by praying that God will open some doors to recovery and openness. If you have any comforting family or friends that together you can approach that may help. She needs to understand how important it is to seek help, for both you individually and your relationship. Otherwise you will both be consumed by the obsessions and it will ruin you.

As far as moving, that would be a terrible idea. Make your next step some type of support.

Jayamashey said:
One other comment after reading your other posts. It seems like you are being severely impacted by this. You need to take care of yourself as well. In some ways think of it like the instructions on an airplane, "put the mask over yourself first before helping others". You may need to communicate your needs and the impact this is having on you and your life. While its great you are being a committed spouse, you also have an obligation to take care of yourself.

Thank you for your insights, and your support as well ... lots of good advice, thanks again.

berighteous · Sep 19, 2014

lyndseyb said:
You know what the stupid thing is about the handwashing?
I, like your wife, have contamination OCD. I have an obsessive fear of germs, chemicals, diseases etc. Ironically by constantly washing my hands I have actually increased my chances of these things happening because the skin on my hands is now more vulnerable to infection due to it being constantly cut open, red raw and having peeling skin.
This, along with the claw shape the obsessive hand washing made my hand fall into, was an effective natural deterrent to want to kerb the hand washing somewhat!

There are many online forums where your wife will be able to speak to other people about her issues. You can't force her to join if she doesn't want to of course, but wouldnt she be interested in talking anonymously with others who are going through the same thing she is going through?

Sending good luck and prayers.

I also echo the other posts about it being important to look after yourself too! Given into her compulsions will only feed the disorder.

Yes, her hands are like that already, but she continues her handwashing. Seven times last night ...

My wife attacks me constantly because - things I do innocently (in my eyes) , things that pretty much anyone else might do in a normal course of a day - are more often than not interpreted by her as things I purposely do to attack her.

For example, I brought a device home from work innocently and she went off on me for over 1/2 hr this morning (making me late for work) because, apparently, I brought the "contaminated thing" home because I didn't care for her and purposely did so to "torture her", and now she's working all day to clean everything.

How can I handle something like that?

berighteous · Sep 19, 2014

KnowHisJoy77 said:
Praying for you both! You cannot abandon your job. It is very irresponsible to do so. Please, you need to get professional help in how to help and deal with her OCD demands. Do you fellowship and go to church? Many churches have support groups that can be very helpful.

Thank you for your advice ... no, we haven't been to church lately because of her OCD (and my own growing anxiety)

KnowHisJoy77 · Sep 19, 2014

berighteous said:
Thank you for your advice ... no, we haven't been to church lately because of her OCD (and my own growing anxiety)

Please, prayfully look for a community of faith near by you. If she can't go you should go to get encouragement, support, fellowship, bible classes, marriage couseling etc

You need to get wisdom and discernment to walk in your faith inside your marriage. You must follow the Lord and He comes first, before your wife. It will do no good for her for you to grow in anxiety and follow her steps. Focus on Jesus, keep in the Word, faith fellowship, look for pastoral couseling, marriage counseling. You becoming stronger in the faith and walking trusting Him will benefit and bless you both.

Praying for you to ask God to direct your steps and for Him to reveal His plans for you and your marriage! Every day new mercies. Great is His faithfulness.

gracealone · Sep 20, 2014

Hi Berighteous,
Is she at all educated about OCD? She can learn so much online w/o having to tell anyone about all of this. Good start: OCDOnline.com
Also, out of love my husband usually won't help me at all with the compulsions of my disorder. He understands that every time I do anything to avoid the feared thing, or attend to a doubt/fearful intrusive thought in order to feel reassured that I am only giving that thought/fear a huge measure of weight, validity and credence. Every time she gets rid of an object she is making the idea that the object is contaminated seem valid to her brain. She is in essence feeding the beast of her OCD. Every time she asks you to help her with that stuff she is asking you to make her OCD worse. She needs to understand how the disorder operates in order to be able to manage it. Obviously, she is very debilitated by it and it's having an enormous detrimental effect on both your lives. She needs to come to terms with this, get educated, begin the process of Exposure and Response Prevention therapy and maybe even bite that bullet and take meds. This can all be done in baby steps so long as there are some steps being taken. She is suffering tremendously but so are you. There has to be some kind of compromise made toward the goal of her getting better. I will pray for you and for her. Feel free to PM me if you'd like. Hang in there!!! Mitzi

berighteous said:
Yes, her hands are like that already, but she continues her handwashing. Seven times last night ...

My wife attacks me constantly because - things I do innocently (in my eyes) , things that pretty much anyone else might do in a normal course of a day - are more often than not interpreted by her as things I purposely do to attack her.

For example, I brought a device home from work innocently and she went off on me for over 1/2 hr this morning (making me late for work) because, apparently, I brought the "contaminated thing" home because I didn't care for her and purposely did so to "torture her", and now she's working all day to clean everything.

How can I handle something like that?

berighteous · Sep 21, 2014

Yes, she knows about OCD and what she needs to do, but she never wants to resist her OCD compulsions.

She just spent the last hour chewing me out and swearing at me for contaminating my bed clothes by not coming to bed quickly enough after a shower. That's a divorcable matter, according to her. And it doesn't matter that I caught the flu today and I was required to give in to her OCD rules all day long, drive, and make meals. 9 hours of sleep like I planned is quickly becoming maybe 6 hours, before I have to get up to go to work early tomorrow. What's the point of living if all it is is this kind of misery, day in and day out?

We need a miracle, but I don't feel God has heard any of my prayers.

gracealone · Sep 22, 2014

Hi berighteous, I am SO sorry that she takes out her pain and anger on you. I had a situation with a close family member where I had to set up limits and healthy boundaries to protect my own mental health. This person didn't have OCD but another type of mental illness that had a negative impact on those closest to them. I went in to see a psychologist for my own mental health and for guidance on how I could take better care of myself, how to respond to this person in a way that didn't make me a victim. I think this would be so good for you to do. Sometimes the very best way we can help someone who is stuck in damaging behaviors is to allow them to feel the full weight of the consequences of their behavior toward others. This too is loving. There are two sides of the line in your situation. You need to learn to land on the side of the line where you are helping her but also setting healthy boundaries for yourself in regard to abusive behavior. Just because someone is suffering with OCD doesn't mean they have the right to bully you emotionally. Emotional abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse. It's important to understand that when we allow a person to do this kind of stuff we are enabling them and also allowing them to victimize us. It's important to validate that, yes, she is suffering. She cannot help how she feels but she can definitely help what she does. OCD does not rob anyone of making the right choices. It just feels extremely terrifying to make those choices. I hope you will consider seeking help for your own emotional well being. This is not because you don't love her or don't care. This is about taking care of yourself.
Still praying! Mitzi

berighteous said:
Yes, she knows about OCD and what she needs to do, but she never wants to resist her OCD compulsions.

She just spent the last hour chewing me out and swearing at me for contaminating my bed clothes by not coming to bed quickly enough after a shower. That's a divorcable matter, according to her. And it doesn't matter that I caught the flu today and I was required to give in to her OCD rules all day long, drive, and make meals. 9 hours of sleep like I planned is quickly becoming maybe 6 hours, before I have to get up to go to work early tomorrow. What's the point of living if all it is is this kind of misery, day in and day out?

We need a miracle, but I don't feel God has heard any of my prayers.

ToBeBlessed · Sep 22, 2014

It seems to me that one of the 'main' problems is that she is constantly yelling at you and chastising you. If she was able to control her mouth and what comes out of it, would there be much more peace?

We know how much trouble we can create with our mouths and words. There is a lot in the bible about this.

It would seem (and I'm not the OP so I can't say) that supporting his wife through her OCD and her yelling and chastising him is another, closely related but possibly two separate problems.

Very few marriages, OCD or not, are successful if there is not a certain amount of peace and respect.

Maybe this is another way to approach his problem. There is sure enough scripture that talks about what we say. Hearing and reading scripture causes a conviction of the heart. It may be slowly, but none the less it comes from God to sanctify us.

KnowHisJoy77 · Sep 22, 2014

berighteous said:
We need a miracle, but I don't feel God has heard any of my prayers.

He hears prayers! The answer is coming.

Dear Lord, speak to this wife spirit "peace be still" help her, Lord to listen to You. Give her wisdom, understanding and discernment. Lord, help this husband to give to You his burdens, give him wisdom, understanding and discernment. Protect this marriage from the enemy attacks trying to steal, kill and destroy. Lord send people to help this couple, to walk with them, encouraging, helping with their burdens. Showing Your love in practical ways. In Jesus mighty name!

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