Ocd Or Evil? Please Read

I have religious OCD. I do love God and want to become more religious as I never was very religious but this has made me want to believe in God more but I am so scared he hates me. I was brought up to believe in God. I just have constant fear in me. Today my OCD has been the worst ever. I got a thought about dying on a day soon when I have a special occasion, my mind then thought hope God gets the worst illness if this happens. (Can't even type the illness I said) I then thought about it and thought, if God does do that to me then he deserves to get the worst illness as punishment for doing that to me. This part came from my own will but obviously it has been inflicted from the OCD thought which I originally had. But obviously now I am starting to think I am really evil for saying this as how can you wish illnesses on God but just like if you knew a random person was going to kill you, you would hate them and would want the worst to happen to them,well that is how I am feeling now towards god in a way and because of this I believe God will kill me. I don't know if this is part of the OCD or if I am naturally evil. I don't want to become a non believer. What do I do? Am I evil to say these things? I do love God, I have become so depressed because of this.