Emalve,
First, God knows you are having intrusive thoughts, no matter how gross, and terrible. The funny thing is: we try to hide things from God but in reality it's just us hiding from ourselves, and hiding our skeletons from others. However, God knows our thoughts, so he knows the terrifying thoughts you're having and the terrifying fears that go along with them.
Plus, and most importantly he wants to help.
Remember, not by might, not by power, but by my spirit says the Lord. So, following is some of God's spirit for you. It is the spirit and power of a sound mind.
Discussion #1:
You stated in your post "I keep having this incredibly disturbing to me thought that sends me into high anxiety mode."
Question 1. Do you know how the obsession in your brain is occurring? In other words, when a tormenting thought occurs and you begin to spin out of control. Do you know what is casing that or why it is happenening to you?
Discussion #2:
You stated in your post "It's leading me to seeing others act out the thing I'm thinking about and makes me want to do the thing."
Question 1. are you watching videos of people performing these thoughts?
Question 2. if you are not watching videos has are you seeing others perform these thoughts? If not on video what then?
Discussion #3:
I wish this thought would leave me alone!!! I just keep getting more and more fearful.
are you on any medication?
I'm in the US if you want to call me phone 1+860-946-7095
Understanding that you have a sound mind...
The Good Thing About OCD
One of the good things about OCD is the fact that it reveals the “Sound Mind” that God has given us. The evidence of the sound mind is that we say NO to the horrific thought!
Me and Medication
I don't know if you're on medication. I am, and my medication has reduced my severe OCD, and severe depression to zip. So, if you're not on medication maybe you should see a doctor.
The Fight Back Strategy #1
It's important to know that you recognize that what ever the intrusive (horrible tormenting) thoughts you're experiencing are not relevent. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true.
First, I'd like you to consider this! The tormenting thought, regardless of how it presents itself, whether it’s a question, or a consent, or demand, is irrelevant. It's an unwanted thought!!!
Also, the subject details of the tormenting thought are irrelevant: meaning is it about blaspheme, murder, graphic descriptions, bloody, and mutilation, sex, take your pick. They are all unwanted and tormenting, and the subject details are irrelevant. It's an unwanted thought!!!.
You may ask yourself why are these details irrelevant? The thing about intrusive thought is that its an upsetting thought and is unwanted. And although the thought itself is tormenting, the real concern is what's causing it.
Tormenting thoughts come in many forms (The forms are scary, but irrelevant). For me, torment was horrible thoughts of grotesquely killing people that I loved, and I was unable to dismiss (or turn off) those thoughts. The disease I suffered with is known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
In this book, I will be using my own experiences to make this subject more understandable to those who suffer with thoughts that bring about torment. Let us look at the normal person who does not suffer with mental illness, and then we will look at a case like mine, to see how mental illness effects the brain.
People who do not suffer with mental illness may have a variety of disturbing thoughts.
For example: depressing, and violent thoughts, sexual debauchery, violent foul language, or thoughts of suicide, and whatever other types of thoughts a human being can experience.
Since a thought can range from the most holy, such as the fruits of the spirit, to the most vile, such as vile murderous acts, vile sexual acts, depressing thoughts, thoughts of suicide, or vile temptations against God or Christ, the reader must realize they are all, simply thoughts, and all people experience horrible grotesque thoughts. In fact we make
horror movies about these thoughts. And yet the person who dreams these movies up, do not suffer with torment.
The range of thought within the human experience is truly quite infinite.
Therefore, since human beings experience this wide range of thought from the most holy to the most devilish, the question should be asked, is the thought the problem, or is there some underlying issue?
For our example, consider a normal person having a thought in which he or she experiences an EVIL thought such as the ones similar to the thoughts that torment you. The thought process begins in the brain, and passes through the brain’s mental circuitry, which in this case includes a normal mental chemistry.
The brain's circuitry is made of strings of neuron paths that have gaps in them called synapse gaps. As the thought travels along the neuron paths, the thought approaches the synapse gap. The neuron recognizes the brain sending a thought along its path, and the neuron communicates with the synapse gap to create a bridge to allow the thought to cross the bridge. The bridge is a chemical bridge made of serotonin. Once the thought crosses the bridge the synapse gap tells the neuron that it is shutting down its bridge.
As the thought passes through all of these bridges the thought is being processed whether for good or evil the processes are carried out enabling the brain to finalize the thought. Once the thought has completed all of its processes it is presented to the brain for the brain to logically, emotionally, reasonably, and spiritually, rationalize as to either carrying out the thought or dismissing it. In this case the evil thought being processed, has gone through all the processes, and when presented to the brain for analysis, the thought regardless of the decision the brain can bring the thought to its final conclusion .
Now, the individual using his or her freewill, moral compass, sound mind, logic and reason determine, “Hey, this thought is NO GOOD!. Then the person dismisses the thought as a non-sense thought!” The brain does just that! Then the normal person moves on as though the thought never occurred.
In the brain of a person who has OCD the synapse gap does not respond to the communication from the neuron, to put the serotonin bridge in place for the thought to travel across it, and therefore the bridge to cross the synapse does not get built. The result is that the EVIL thought cannot pass to receive all the processing procedures, and instead is re-presented to the brain to evaluate for dismissal. When the thought first presents itself to the brain, you of course say, "nope, that is not a thought that I definitely do not want to carry out! Dismiss the thought!" but the thought does not get dismiss. In fact the thought is re-presented to you over-and-over again to rationalize out and dismiss, but it cannot be dismissed. So, although the brain wants to dismiss the thought it cannot, because it is stuck.
The brain continues to rationalize the thought but cannot dismiss it because the thought has not gone through all the processes as a result of being stuck at a gap where the serotonin bridge was to be built. Therefore, the "Full Processing" of the thought is missing, forcing the thought to be presented again and again to the brain for re-rationalization. This re-presenting keeps occuring until the chemistry (the serotonin) completes the bridge, enabling the thought to be properly processed. The result is a thought stuck in your brain until your chemistry clears. That is mental illness, in this case OCD.
Now, here we are, with a tormenting thought stuck in our brain. What can we do?
There are 2 groups of rules to help you overcome the effect:
Group 1: The Overcome Process
1. Understand that the anxiety, and distress caused by this phenomenon is controllable.
2. Recognize and ACCEPT that the tormenting thought is not caused by the thought, but rather, by your neuron bridges failing to be built illness for the thought to pass through its processing. Remember if your chemistry (neuron bridges) were working properly, the unwanted thought would be easily dismissed, without any torment.
3. At this point your heart rate shall increase due to your "fight and flight" first instinct of response.
4. Next, your adrenaline will begin to flow creating more anxiety, and thought diagnostics that you must avoid doing.
5. DO NOT respond, or try to diagnose, or find any antidote solution regarding the thought, or any anxiety it brings on.
6. Take a deep Breath, and collect yourself to relax your mind in a new thought process.
7. You must immediately work escape your OCD thought process, and work to replace its with a distraction thought process.
8. Avoid thinking on the OCD process, and focus on the days schedule tasks and how you are going to perform them.
9. Remember, antidotes to solved obsessions only bring on more complex obsessions. This creates a Tormenting Thought Feedback Loop! Avoid diagnosing obsessions and finding their antidotes.
Group 2: The Overcome Utility Example
1. Okay I'm having an anxiety attack. I can control this!
2. I accept that this attack is the result of my brain's chemistry misfiring.
3. I am Keeping heart rate, fear, and adrenaline down and escaping the tormenting thought obsession by reciting the following:
a. God, I praise you, and thank you that you are my escape route.
b. God, I thank you that I have no interest in diagnosing tormenting thoughts.
c. My job is to serve you, my family and my job, and perform up rightly
4. Lord I have a small memorized list:
a. I thank you, and praise you for your daily help
b. I thank you for my family
c. (Job duty) I have today's accounting project to do
d. (Job duty) I must authorize today receipts for invoicing
e. (Job duty) etc...etc...etc...
f. Make the list of real duties that must be performed in the most effective order your employer would have you do them. This keeps you effective in your work, and keeps your mind off the obsession.
It's leading me to seeing others act out the thing I'm thinking about and makes me want to do the thing. I keep hoping that at some point it will click and I'll no longer have the issue, but I think I'm only driving myself crazier! I wish this thought would leave me alone!!! I just keep getting more and more fearful. And every time I spiral into this (which has been every evening as of late 
