Rejecting it all

Okano · Jul 25, 2014

Last night was my last night at work. I had put in my two weeks notice that I was quitting two weeks ago.

I don't care anymore. I'm choosing to be homeless. I'm sad and I hate it. There is no other option. I don't like it here anymore.

knw1991 · Jul 25, 2014

Why are you choosing to be homeless? What is making you feel this way

Okano · Jul 26, 2014

knw1991 said:
Why are you choosing to be homeless? What is making you feel this way

I hate being alone. I don't find fulfillment in anything. Work and money aren't important to me. I hate my skin illness.
I've just had enough. I'm so sad sometimes that the empty feeling inside of me forces me to stop what i'm doing and all I can do is just be still and not move. I hate this sadness.

Faithfulandtrue · Jul 26, 2014

Okano said:
I hate being alone. I don't find fulfillment in anything. Work and money aren't important to me. I hate my skin illness.
I've just had enough. I'm so sad sometimes that the empty feeling inside of me forces me to stop what i'm doing and all I can do is just be still and not move. I hate this sadness.

(hugs) Its ok Okano. We all go through these valleys but hang in there with the Lord and never let go. its gonna get better with Him.
Would you like to tell us a little more details? I understand what it feels to be alone. How is your job situation? What kind of place is it? I know you feel desperate right now, but I don't want you to become homeless.

Okano · Jul 27, 2014

Faithfulandtrue said:
(hugs) Its ok Okano. We all go through these valleys but hang in there with the Lord and never let go. its gonna get better with Him.
Would you like to tell us a little more details? I understand what it feels to be alone. How is your job situation? What kind of place is it? I know you feel desperate right now, but I don't want you to become homeless.

I don't know what else to say.

I don't have a job, I could a get a good job easy, but it makes no difference to me whether I have a job or I don't have a job.

What kind of place is what?

dysert · Jul 27, 2014

Okano said:
I don't know what else to say.

I don't have a job, I could a get a good job easy, but it makes no difference to me whether I have a job or I don't have a job.

What kind of place is what?

I have a good idea how you feel, Okano. I've had depression for about 17 years. It is a very difficult thing to deal with. As recently as today I was crying because I'm so sick & tired of never -- never -- being happy.

Since it makes no difference to you whether you have a job or not, may I suggest that you get a job? You're going to be depressed either way, so why not be depressed while being comfortable?

There is a great song that I listen to over and over. It's called "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips. It's not a Christian song, but it talks of holding on for one more day. Many times, those of us with depression have to limit our horizon to just one more day. Then when we make it through that day, we limit ourselves to just one more day, etc.

I really think that regardless of how you feel, you should get a job and do your best to take care of yourself. I've often said that it's much harder to get out of the pit of depression than it is to stay out of it in the first place. I'm afraid you're quickly falling into the pit. Please don't go there.

Okano · Jul 27, 2014

dysert said:
I have a good idea how you feel, Okano. I've had depression for about 17 years. It is a very difficult thing to deal with. As recently as today I was crying because I'm so sick & tired of never -- never -- being happy.

Since it makes no difference to you whether you have a job or not, may I suggest that you get a job? You're going to be depressed either way, so why not be depressed while being comfortable?

There is a great song that I listen to over and over. It's called "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips. It's not a Christian song, but it talks of holding on for one more day. Many times, those of us with depression have to limit our horizon to just one more day. Then when we make it through that day, we limit ourselves to just one more day, etc.

I really think that regardless of how you feel, you should get a job and do your best to take care of yourself. I've often said that it's much harder to get out of the pit of depression than it is to stay out of it in the first place. I'm afraid you're quickly falling into the pit. Please don't go there.

Thank you for understanding. I'm sorry you feel sad too.

I might try that, but I can only take a job that allows me to keep Gods commands.

dysert · Jul 27, 2014

Okano said:
Thank you for understanding. I'm sorry you feel sad too.

I might try that, but I can only take a job that allows me to keep Gods commands.

I understand that. I was just going on what you said - "I could a get a good job easy". What was it about your last job that didn't allow you to keep God's commands?

knw1991 · Jul 27, 2014

Okano said:
I hate being alone. I don't find fulfillment in anything. Work and money aren't important to me. I hate my skin illness.
I've just had enough. I'm so sad sometimes that the empty feeling inside of me forces me to stop what i'm doing and all I can do is just be still and not move. I hate this sadness.

Do you have any family around you?

Okano · Jul 27, 2014

Okano · Jul 27, 2014

dysert said:
I understand that. I was just going on what you said - "I could a get a good job easy". What was it about your last job that didn't allow you to keep God's commands?

1: I couldn't keep the sabbath.
2: Being around certain people that influenced me to sin.

knw1991 said:
Do you have any family around you?

Yes.

[staff edit]

Okano · Jul 31, 2014

I feel terrible right now, I can't believe I'm whining so much too. Oh well.

I saw her today. It made me feel terrible. It makes me want to leave everything even more so I don't have to deal with any of this. She wouldn't even look at me.

I really want to get drunk right now. I should go to AA tonight.

Krissy Cakes · Aug 1, 2014

I'm sorry you feel this way. :hug:

I'm praying for you. :prayer:

Nilla · Aug 1, 2014

Mod Hat On

This thread has been through a mini-clean up.

Mod Hat Off

Faithfulandtrue · Aug 1, 2014

Okano said:
I don't know what else to say.

I don't have a job, I could a get a good job easy, but it makes no difference to me whether I have a job or I don't have a job.

What kind of place is what?

Your job.. I know you aren't feeling well, but I think you should still have a job. I mean what kind of JOB did you have?

knw1991 · Aug 1, 2014

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ

Underflip540 · Aug 2, 2014

Okano, you've done a brave thing by resigning based on your morals. I don't think many people could. If the Lord wants you away from that place of work and to do other great things then this is the first step to that and I congratulate you for taking that leap.

However, I am sure He wants you to be safe and stable so that you're better able to serve Him in mind, heart and soul. Are the two issues about following the Lord's commands the only two issues you had with that job? As I'm in the UK I'm not really sure on employment law or structure in the States, but over here there are many opportunities for temporary work - getting yourself on the books at a temping agency will allow you to get experience in different types of work and meet all kinds of people. You may find the perfect organization out there that gives you confidence in your own abilities, happiness/fulfillment to work, and most importantly the opportunity to serve the Lord.

Troubles in work are some of the worst. I work in one of the most Godless industries there is - technology. I have no drive or passion for it anymore, and I'm surrounded by those who have not come to the Lord, who put absolutely faith and stock in science, atheism and humanism. I feel sorry for them, but they seem happy so who am I to judge? It's when they share their opinions with me about faith that I feel under attack. Sadly, to be realistic, I think you may find that in the vast majority of jobs, and for that you can only pray to God and ask Him for the will power to fight the influence of sin from others.

Don't let yourself get swallowed by homelessness and the streets. Satan will have so much more power to attack you from a position of absolute weakness. Keep yourself in a position of power over him at all costs.

I hope you find your way. I will pray for you. If I dug myself out of it, I know you can do it too.

PM me if you want to chat.

Okano · Aug 3, 2014

Faithfulandtrue said:
Your job.. I know you aren't feeling well, but I think you should still have a job. I mean what kind of JOB did you have?

I worked in a factory warehouse/freezer driving forklifts loading trains, containers for barges shipping overseas and loading trucks. It was a very well paying job, but I was so sad sometimes that I could be in the middle of something and I couldn't do anything I just had to sit down for awhile away from everyone. It also required me to work on the sabbath. It was at McCain Foods.

Underflip540 said:
Okano, you've done a brave thing by resigning based on your morals. I don't think many people could. If the Lord wants you away from that place of work and to do other great things then this is the first step to that and I congratulate you for taking that leap.

However, I am sure He wants you to be safe and stable so that you're better able to serve Him in mind, heart and soul. Are the two issues about following the Lord's commands the only two issues you had with that job? As I'm in the UK I'm not really sure on employment law or structure in the States, but over here there are many opportunities for temporary work - getting yourself on the books at a temping agency will allow you to get experience in different types of work and meet all kinds of people. You may find the perfect organization out there that gives you confidence in your own abilities, happiness/fulfillment to work, and most importantly the opportunity to serve the Lord.

Troubles in work are some of the worst. I work in one of the most Godless industries there is - technology. I have no drive or passion for it anymore, and I'm surrounded by those who have not come to the Lord, who put absolutely faith and stock in science, atheism and humanism. I feel sorry for them, but they seem happy so who am I to judge? It's when they share their opinions with me about faith that I feel under attack. Sadly, to be realistic, I think you may find that in the vast majority of jobs, and for that you can only pray to God and ask Him for the will power to fight the influence of sin from others.

Don't let yourself get swallowed by homelessness and the streets. Satan will have so much more power to attack you from a position of absolute weakness. Keep yourself in a position of power over him at all costs.

I hope you find your way. I will pray for you. If I dug myself out of it, I know you can do it too. PM me if you want to chat.

I wanted to be a systems administrator or an IT technician because I thought we could work our own schedules then. I envy you being in the career that you are. Is it really that Godless? How are we supposed to live if we cannot even worship the way we are supposed to?

I just went back to a temp agency in the last few days. It will allow me to have insurance and I'm going to live in a canvas tent at the sand dunes I think until I pay off my car and other expenses. I don't have to work Saturdays either. After that I don't know what I'm going to do.

You asked about reasons for disliking my other job, well everyone kept bothering me because I guess I seemed depressed all the time and my supervisor wouldn't leave me alone always treating me too nice and I hated it. Also I was required to be there on time every day, whereas now I don't have to work every day, so if I'm really sad one day I don't have to go to work if I don't have to. It's just that I'm really poor now. This may sound odd, but I don't care if I'm homeless anymore.

I don't know what to do. I'm ready to give up and go to the middle-east and teach people.

Thank you everyone for being kind and offering advice I do appreciate it.

Okano · Aug 3, 2014

knw1991 said:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ

Thank you.

Underflip540 · Aug 4, 2014

Okano said:
I worked in a factory warehouse/freezer driving forklifts loading trains, containers for barges shipping overseas and loading trucks. It was a very well paying job, but I was so sad sometimes that I could be in the middle of something and I couldn't do anything I just had to sit down for awhile away from everyone. It also required me to work on the sabbath. It was at McCain Foods.

I wanted to be a systems administrator or an IT technician because I thought we could work our own schedules then. I envy you being in the career that you are. Is it really that Godless? How are we supposed to live if we cannot even worship the way we are supposed to?

Ironically, I'd take the kind of job you were doing in a heartbeat these days. You can't really work your own kind of schedule in my job, servers always need attention and care and I am on-call 24/7. If something goes down, my phone quickly lets me know about it and then it's on me to fix it, wherever I am, 365 days a year. Maybe if you were self-employed as a callout engineer you could work your own schedule, but outside of that I don't really see it as anything different than "has thing gone wrong? If yes, fix immediately".

America is probably very different to the UK in this aspect but I can only talk from my own experience. IT is pretty Godless, tbh. I'm going to make a very sweeping statement here but as with everything, there are nice geeks and nice nerds out there. Remember you are very much dealing with geek and nerd culture in IT - there's a lot of atheism, a lot of agonistism here, and a lot of stock is put in science as a thing ABOVE any religious feeling.

Okano said:
I just went back to a temp agency in the last few days. It will allow me to have insurance and I'm going to live in a canvas tent at the sand dunes I think until I pay off my car and other expenses. I don't have to work Saturdays either. After that I don't know what I'm going to do.

You asked about reasons for disliking my other job, well everyone kept bothering me because I guess I seemed depressed all the time and my supervisor wouldn't leave me alone always treating me too nice and I hated it. Also I was required to be there on time every day, whereas now I don't have to work every day, so if I'm really sad one day I don't have to go to work if I don't have to. It's just that I'm really poor now. This may sound odd, but I don't care if I'm homeless anymore.

Well, that's a good start. You have weekends off now which is partly what you wanted. A block of 2 days to rest is a very, VERY good thing in my opinion. Are you enjoying the work? What kind of work are they putting you to? In the short term if you're happier doing that kind of thing then you'll have both the security and time you need to pursue . I know someone who temped for well over 5 years before they got the job of their dreams. Being poor is okay, but it's different to being homeless. Believe me it doesn't sound odd at all - you're feeling so much pressure in life that you start to feel the unknown and even the dangerous is better than the toxic environment you feel you're in. But being homeless will be like moving from the frying pan into the fire.

Can you tell me why you think being homeless would be better, or is it literally just you don't care what happens to you anymore?

Okano said:
I don't know what to do. I'm ready to give up and go to the middle-east and teach people.

Thank you everyone for being kind and offering advice I do appreciate it.

How do you want to be treated, if that's not too odd a question to ask. I had a lot of trouble with saying anything other than "I'm alright" when people asked me what was wrong for the longest time, because I didn't want to burden them with my baggage.

What would you do in the Middle East? What would you teach? What makes you say something like that? Is it an aspiration, a desire of yours? Would it make you feel happier in yourself and better armed in Christ? Think about all of these questions carefully - and on a day when you're not feeling down. It may even be the something you're looking for, but try and approach it with a clear head.

You obviously know the message and understand it so I don't really think there's much point in me saying anything along those lines but remember, if you are trying to put God first, even when life defines that you can't, don't let yourself stress about it too much. He understands, you know

I'm mildly curious; what have you done about your depression from a medical sense? Have you seen a doctor, shrink, taken any anti-depressants, etc etc? And how long has it been going on?

Don't feel like you have to answer anything if you're uncomfortable with me asking

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