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Struggling with OCD

Ghackman

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I'm new to the forum but really want to hear from people to see if anyone has similar experiences to mine. I feel really alone right now.

I was first diagnosed with OCD 14 years ago. At that time I suffered from fears of having committed the unpardonable sin, blasphemous/cursing thoughts against the Holy Spirit, and uncontrollable feelings of hatred and negativity towards Christ, the blood of Christ, and the Holy Spirit. It was a dark and frightening time and it took me three years to completely leave it behind, but after that, I was more or less completely well. For the last 11 years, though I have had to deal with my OCD at times, I have never come anywhere close to experiencing anything of the intensity of darkness and fear I experienced back then.

Three months ago, however, that all changed. I started to have blasphemous/cursing thoughts towards the Holy Spirit again. I don't remember the specific issue that caused the first thought, but it was some kind of "what if" thought in my mind about an issue where I had the thought "What if the Holy Spirit wants me to do/or not do X?" This was immediately followed by a thought that said "**** the Holy Spirit." That bothered me enough that I ended up purchasing and reading a book about the unforgivable sin. After reading the book, I felt that what it described as the unforgivable sin was not my sin and was comforted some, but almost as soon as I finished reading the book, a voice in my head said something like, "Well great! If cursing the Holy Spirit isn't the unforgivable sin, then why not do it some more!?" This was followed by more blasphemous thoughts. That truly frightened and freaked me out, and after that, the thoughts began to grow stronger and increase in frequency.

Since then, over the past three months, the OCD has just grown stronger and more complicated until it has largely consumed my life. Just like the last time, I struggle with constant, frequently uncontrollable blasphemous/cursing thoughts towards the Holy Spirit, negative emotions and feelings of hatred towards God and things to do with God, and constant fear that I am not saved and/or have committed the unpardonable sin. This time, however, things are more complicated than before because the OCD has latched onto moral and theological issues, which it uses to torture me and which also serve as triggers for the blasphemous cursing thoughts.

It gets complicated, but I'll try to give an example: Before the OCD recurrence, I struggled with temptations to various sins and sometimes gave into them. I would usually feel bad afterwards and would ask for forgiveness, though I often had trouble feeling forgiven. Since my OCD recurrence, I have become hyper conscious about sin. Anytime I think about sinning or am tempted to sin, I have blasphemous thoughts. Since, the blasphemous thoughts scare me so much and make me feel condemned, I try to avoid sinning or thinking about sin at all costs, lest it trigger the thoughts and leave me feeling hopeless and condemned. The trouble is that I know that it is impossible for me to live without sinning at all and so, at some point, I will likely give in to sin, possibly even deliberately. This scares me too because I feel that if I give into sin and have blasphemous/cursing thoughts towards the Holy Spirit while doing so, that I will essentially be committing the unforgivable sin of defiantly sinning against God while cursing his Spirit. I often find myself wishing I could go back to being like I was before this recurrence, where I could sin like a normal person, so to speak (which is to say, without the blasphemous thoughts), but whenever I think about that I find myself wondering, "Is this what I want? Just to go back being able to sin? Do I really feel remorse for my sins?" and so on, along with more blasphemous thoughts. Sometimes, I even feel overwhelmed with the urge to think about sinful things. It really feels even more complicated than my explanation can show, almost too difficult explain well. The whole thing has gotten so complicated in my mind that it now feels like I'm trapped in an inescapable maze. It's really scary.

Is anyone else experiencing or have you ever experienced anything like this? If so I'd love to hear from you. How did you deal with it or how are you currently dealing with it? If you made it through, how did you overcome it or escape the maze?

Just to be clear, I see a therapist and am on medication right now, but so far that has only helped a little.

Thanks,

Gordon
 

ForJesusChrist

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I feel for you. I was quite the same. I would do many things that I don't want to do, due to the OCD. I starting praying and asking God to remove the devil from me that causes me to be OCD. I also asked Jesus to renew me and cleanse me daily. I waited on Jesus and He came through, as always. Anyway, a bit after I had started praying, I continued to stay faithful and then my OCD just disappeared. I feel like a new person now. I promise you if you trust in Jesus and remain faithful, Jesus will come and renew you. Jesus is better than any medicine or therapy. Pray daily and remain faithful and your OCD will be gone in no time.

PRAISE JESUS!!!

Welcome to the forums!!! :)

God Bless
 
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mmutsakama

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If i may ask, how did you defeat ocd in the first place. I believe its the same way. For me exposure therapy is what worked for me, for an ocd suferer, never entertain ''what if'' or similar thoughts. You have to view those blasphemous thoughts in the light of the truth. They are a result of a mulfunctioning mind and they do not reveal what is in your heart thus when they come, any attempt to fight them only multiply them. Let them be there and don't try to fight them, any attempt to fight them turns out to be a compulsion which complicate your situation. So let those thoughts be there, do not be scared of them, they cannot cause God to love you less and they are not what the bible calls an unforgivable sin. I hope this will help you. I battled an ocd similar to yours for almost 6 years and right now, for about a year and half i am enjoying a life without ocd and i give God all the glory.
 
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Ghackman

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Thank you mmutsakama. I appreciate the reply. The first time things happened, I'm not entirely sure how I overcame it, to be honest. Over time the power of it got less and less. I saw two different counselors over the course of two and a half years, but I never did CBT with either of them, I mostly just verbally processed. During the time I saw the second counselor, I went through the process of applying to and be accepted to graduate school/seminary, which I think gave me hope that my life was moving forward and God was not through with me. After my first semester of graduate school, I was completely well and have not experienced these blasphemous thoughts/fears again until the last three months. This time is more complicated than last time, though, with a lot of my thoughts feeling like they are directly connected to moral rebellion/resentment in my heart, which makes them much scarier to me. I constantly find myself assessing what sort of person I am and whether or not I really love God and want to obeying His will, etc. I am doing CBT with the therapist I am currently seeing, but we have not gotten very far yet.
 
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sdd7747

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What you describe is an extremely common form of OCD in christians. I have struggled with it myself. My OCD has taken a different form lately, but at the moment I am doing pretty well. After I was married a few years, I talked to my husband about these OCD thoughts I was having and he said "Yeah, so? I think stuff like that sometimes." Sometimes being the key word. By him thinking it was no big deal that these "horrible" thoughts come into his mind, he didn't give them any power. Because he gave them no power, they didn't keep occurring. I, on the other hand, would think "Oh my gosh...what if that is how I really feel" or "What if I really want to do that" and then I would ruminate on it and the thoughts would keep getting worse/stronger. I have to try really hard, when my OCD is at it's worst, to put those thoughts aside and not give them any importance. However, I find that if I can do that...they simply fade away eventually.
 
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Ghackman

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Thanks sdd7747 for your comments. I appreciate them. Today was a hard day, with my mind finding many sins both real and imagined to torture me about. The worst part is that often, when I have the thought that something I'm doing is a sin, I then immediately experience the urge to do it more along with the urge to think blasphemous/cursing thoughts against the Holy Spirit. I try to fight the urge, but often it remains throughout the day, like a background condition of my existence.
 
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Lik3

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If i may ask, how did you defeat ocd in the first place. I believe its the same way. For me exposure therapy is what worked for me, for an ocd suferer, never entertain ''what if'' or similar thoughts. You have to view those blasphemous thoughts in the light of the truth. They are a result of a mulfunctioning mind and they do not reveal what is in your heart thus when they come, any attempt to fight them only multiply them. Let them be there and don't try to fight them, any attempt to fight them turns out to be a compulsion which complicate your situation. So let those thoughts be there, do not be scared of them, they cannot cause God to love you less and they are not what the bible calls an unforgivable sin. I hope this will help you. I battled an ocd similar to yours for almost 6 years and right now, for about a year and half i am enjoying a life without ocd and i give God all the glory.

I am so thankful for your post. I am concerned about trying to answer the what-if compulsions. How do I keep from entertaining those what-ifs? The thoughts are annoying but the compulsions are difficult to ignore. I keep giving in to my compulsions and I don't know how to stop. Where do I begin?
 
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jusme

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I am so thankful for your post. I am concerned about trying to answer the what-if compulsions. How do I keep from entertaining those what-ifs? The thoughts are annoying but the compulsions are difficult to ignore. I keep giving in to my compulsions and I don't know how to stop. Where do I begin?

Just try not to even acknowledge them.... in other words, don't even give them a response, mentally or physically. I know that is wwaaaay hard to do with OCD and you won't always be successful. But, you will entertain them less and less as time goes by. OCD is a disorder that waxes and wanes (comes and goes). There can be many contributing factors in the OCD persons life that triggers the onset of symptoms. But, if you can just let those thoughts be there and not give them a response at all, they will slowly fade.

I was able to do that through prayer and reading when I had my first severe episode nearly 22 years ago. However, Just 8 years ago I had an even more severe episode and I chose to seek medical attention. I still take medication now and probably will the rest of my life. I struggled with it at first. But, now I just thank the Lord for it. As I have learned so much about my disorder now and a few other mental/emotional disorders. The most important thing I have learned though, is that even when we are in the pit of despair, feeling helpless, hopeless, empty and abandoned, God will not only bring us through it, but He will make us stronger, wiser and more certain of His glorious power than we ever were before!:)
 
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lyndseyb

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Hi, I'm just going to copy and paste this reply I posted in the thread of another OCD sufferer.
I have decided to post my own story here in the hope that it will help you, or at least reassure you that there are others who have gone through the same thing:

In February this year, I thought I was dying. I felt worse than I'd ever felt in my life so I turned to god for help. I hadn't been a christian before this and I think I came very, very close to hardening my heart. I sometimes wonder if this illness happened so I would draw closer to god before it was too late.

Anyway, the illness gradually improved and I started to read the bible more. I too came across that same passage and thus began my OCD hell.
I immediately heard intrusive voices in my head saying evil things. I too then became convinced I'd committed the unforgivable sin. The voices got worse and the things they began saying became even more vile. I was scared to sleep and made myself stay up one night chanting scripture under my breath. After about 4 or 5 days of this hell, I began to weaken. I'm ashamed to say that the thoughts began to feel less intrusive and more like something I was doing myself now. I didn't want the thoughts in my head. I didn't enjoy having them there one bit but I couldn't stop them. And even if I did stop them, I found myself revisiting them anyway. One thought was so vile that I guarantee it was worse than anything you probably thought towards god, and yet for some reason I was purposely adding words to this thought. Making it more and more disgusting and vile.
If you asked me why I was doing that, I have no idea! I wasn't enjoying doing it. I haven't thought such vile thought about anyone before (and that includes even before I came a christian and was not a nice person) so why would I direct them towards god?
Sometimes I wonder if this is some kind of bizarre self punishment I put on myself? Like when I was younger and I became obsessed with tearing chunks of hair out and running my tongue continually over a jagged tooth until it hurt.

I went from having panic attacks about the thoughts to just feeling empty and hollow. I thought at the time the emptiness was a sign that god had given up on me but now I realise that it was a defence mechanism.
So I came very close to giving up and just accepting that I was a horrible person and I could never be forgiven.
However, something made me realise that I should never do that. I wanted to show god that I was trying and that if I really thought such vile disgusting thoughts about him then I wouldn't still be praying, seeking to be close to him or even bothering to look online for help.

I still have these thoughts but they no longer have such a control over me. I couldn't tell you why that is. I just came to the realisation one day that I believe horrible thoughts are not enough to separate us from god, because the mind is a very complex and strange thing and it doesn't always think what we want it to - especially for those of us with mental illnesses.
There is also a big difference between thinking these things and going out and purposefully broadcasting them with intent, which is far worse in my opinion.
Consider for example those who have thoughts about children (and unfortunately my OCD has targeted children too). They are disgusted by the thoughts. They would never, ever go out and act upon them. A thought in the mind does not always reflect a persons true nature, especially when it comes to the minds of us with mental health issues.

I am still going through hell with OCD but currently it's contamination OCD and obsessive worries about poisoning myself that is making life difficult for me.
I have prayed for you and myself and all the other people afflicted with this condition.

I hope that by reading my story you will realise you are not alone in this. You can always PM me if you need to talk.
 
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lyndseyb

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I am so thankful for your post. I am concerned about trying to answer the what-if compulsions. How do I keep from entertaining those what-ifs? The thoughts are annoying but the compulsions are difficult to ignore. I keep giving in to my compulsions and I don't know how to stop. Where do I begin?

Ok, so now I've posted my story I'll tell you where I'm at now.

My scrupulosity OCD has lessened dramatically.
I don't know why but one day I felt I just knew in my heart that bad thoughts could not separate me from god. I still have bad thoughts constantly but they don't seem to have the same hold over me.
It was no amount of reading stories from other sufferers that reassured me of this. It was just waking up one day and somehow knowing that I was going to be ok because god knew my true heart.

Once my OCD realised this, it began attacking me with other obsessions and compulsions.
And this is where I am really struggling. The scrupulosity was terrible but it never came with rituals or compulsions.
Contamination OCD does. From excessive hand washing, to having to create 'safe areas' for myself, it has interrupted my daily life massively.

I have prayed on this issue and I thank god for helping me with my Scrupulosity.
However, with my contamination OCD I can't shake it off the same and I'm letting it control me. I am on a waiting list for CBT and I pray this helps.
I did try medicine for a while which helped but then I became obsessed with the idea that this medicine was dangerous and was going to harm me if I kept taking it so I had to stop.
Until my CBT appointment I am managing with daily prayer and support from my family.
I also try to keep myself distracted as much a possible, for example I've started making and writing cards to sick children in order to occupy my thoughts/time.

It's not easy and I don't have any instant fixes or answers to offer.
All I can suggest is to keep praying on this issue and to know that you are not alone in suffering from this. Also keep persevering with the CBT, even if you don't feel like you're making much progress right now, you might do eventually.
I will pray for you on this. :)
 
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Elvz10

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Wow this thread is so comforting guys! I've struggled with blasphemous thoughts on and off for 5 years and funnily enough they only started when I trust the Lord began to work in my heart and bring me to faith in Christ. Prior to becoming a genuine Christian I never had these thoughts. Like many of you I usually get the blasphemous thoughts in the form of swear words against the Holy Spirit in particular. It's usually the 'f' word followed by the Holy Spirit or some other combination. Its so strange and irrational. I've been quite worried that I actually want to think these things and maybe because of how sinful and evil my heart is theres actually a desire to like these thoughts. Its distressing. I'm not as worried as I would like to be but its such a burden to have these thoughts. Like why would I want to think this against the God who I desire to love and know and who sent His Son to die for my sins? It makes no sense! Sometimes I feel so condemned and think the Lord has given me up to the thoughts and I'll perish. Man deep down if I could just rid of these thoughts I would immediately but I cant seem to fully control my mind. There seems to an urge to curse and swear in my mind and even a numbness when the thoughts come. I've been praying and asking the Lord for forgiveness and going to Christ in prayer and seeking to trust Him to save sinners like me. I've asked the Lord to purify my heart and help me to hate these thoughts and think purer things but they're not going away much. It feels so paralysing and I can't even think about much else sometimes. The problem is I can't tell if its Satan, my sinful heart of OCD causing these thoughts or all three. Is it best just to ignore them and carry on living a normal Christian life? Would appreciate some help.
 
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Elvz10

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Hi, I'm just going to copy and paste this reply I posted in the thread of another OCD sufferer.
I have decided to post my own story here in the hope that it will help you, or at least reassure you that there are others who have gone through the same thing:

I've struggled with blasphemous thoughts on and off for 5 years and funnily enough they only started when I trust the Lord began to work in my heart and bring me to faith in Christ. Prior to becoming a genuine Christian I never had these thoughts. I usually get the blasphemous thoughts in the form of swear words against the Holy Spirit in particular. It's usually the 'f' word followed by the Holy Spirit or some other combination. Its so strange and irrational. I've been quite worried that I actually want to think these things and maybe because of how sinful and evil my heart is theres actually a desire to like these thoughts. Its distressing. I'm not as worried as I would like to be but its such a burden to have these thoughts. Like why would I want to think this against the God who I desire to love and know and who sent His Son to die for my sins? It makes no sense! Sometimes I feel so condemned and think the Lord has given me up to the thoughts and I'll perish. Man deep down if I could just rid of these thoughts I would immediately but I cant seem to fully control my mind. There seems to an urge to curse and swear in my mind and even a numbness when the thoughts come. I've been praying and asking the Lord for forgiveness and going to Christ in prayer and seeking to trust Him to save sinners like me. I've asked the Lord to purify my heart and help me to hate these thoughts and think purer things but they're not going away much. It feels so paralysing and I can't even think about much else sometimes. The problem is I can't tell if its Satan, my sinful heart of OCD causing these thoughts or all three. Is it best just to ignore them and carry on living a normal Christian life? Would appreciate some help.
 
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Elvz10

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Thanks sdd7747 for your comments. I appreciate them. Today was a hard day, with my mind finding many sins both real and imagined to torture me about. The worst part is that often, when I have the thought that something I'm doing is a sin, I then immediately experience the urge to do it more along with the urge to think blasphemous/cursing thoughts against the Holy Spirit. I try to fight the urge, but often it remains throughout the day, like a background condition of my existence.

I've struggled with blasphemous thoughts on and off for 5 years and funnily enough they only started when I trust the Lord began to work in my heart and bring me to faith in Christ. Prior to becoming a genuine Christian I never had these thoughts. I usually get the blasphemous thoughts in the form of swear words against the Holy Spirit in particular. It's usually the 'f' word followed by the Holy Spirit or some other combination. Its so strange and irrational. I've been quite worried that I actually want to think these things and maybe because of how sinful and evil my heart is theres actually a desire to like these thoughts. Its distressing. I'm not as worried as I would like to be but its such a burden to have these thoughts. Like why would I want to think this against the God who I desire to love and know and who sent His Son to die for my sins? It makes no sense! Sometimes I feel so condemned and think the Lord has given me up to the thoughts and I'll perish. Man deep down if I could just rid of these thoughts I would immediately but I cant seem to fully control my mind. There seems to an urge to curse and swear in my mind and even a numbness when the thoughts come. I've been praying and asking the Lord for forgiveness and going to Christ in prayer and seeking to trust Him to save sinners like me. I've asked the Lord to purify my heart and help me to hate these thoughts and think purer things but they're not going away much. It feels so paralysing and I can't even think about much else sometimes. The problem is I can't tell if its Satan, my sinful heart of OCD causing these thoughts or all three. Is it best just to ignore them and carry on living a normal Christian life? Would appreciate somehelp.
 
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