I'm new to the forum but really want to hear from people to see if anyone has similar experiences to mine. I feel really alone right now.
I was first diagnosed with OCD 14 years ago. At that time I suffered from fears of having committed the unpardonable sin, blasphemous/cursing thoughts against the Holy Spirit, and uncontrollable feelings of hatred and negativity towards Christ, the blood of Christ, and the Holy Spirit. It was a dark and frightening time and it took me three years to completely leave it behind, but after that, I was more or less completely well. For the last 11 years, though I have had to deal with my OCD at times, I have never come anywhere close to experiencing anything of the intensity of darkness and fear I experienced back then.
Three months ago, however, that all changed. I started to have blasphemous/cursing thoughts towards the Holy Spirit again. I don't remember the specific issue that caused the first thought, but it was some kind of "what if" thought in my mind about an issue where I had the thought "What if the Holy Spirit wants me to do/or not do X?" This was immediately followed by a thought that said "**** the Holy Spirit." That bothered me enough that I ended up purchasing and reading a book about the unforgivable sin. After reading the book, I felt that what it described as the unforgivable sin was not my sin and was comforted some, but almost as soon as I finished reading the book, a voice in my head said something like, "Well great! If cursing the Holy Spirit isn't the unforgivable sin, then why not do it some more!?" This was followed by more blasphemous thoughts. That truly frightened and freaked me out, and after that, the thoughts began to grow stronger and increase in frequency.
Since then, over the past three months, the OCD has just grown stronger and more complicated until it has largely consumed my life. Just like the last time, I struggle with constant, frequently uncontrollable blasphemous/cursing thoughts towards the Holy Spirit, negative emotions and feelings of hatred towards God and things to do with God, and constant fear that I am not saved and/or have committed the unpardonable sin. This time, however, things are more complicated than before because the OCD has latched onto moral and theological issues, which it uses to torture me and which also serve as triggers for the blasphemous cursing thoughts.
It gets complicated, but I'll try to give an example: Before the OCD recurrence, I struggled with temptations to various sins and sometimes gave into them. I would usually feel bad afterwards and would ask for forgiveness, though I often had trouble feeling forgiven. Since my OCD recurrence, I have become hyper conscious about sin. Anytime I think about sinning or am tempted to sin, I have blasphemous thoughts. Since, the blasphemous thoughts scare me so much and make me feel condemned, I try to avoid sinning or thinking about sin at all costs, lest it trigger the thoughts and leave me feeling hopeless and condemned. The trouble is that I know that it is impossible for me to live without sinning at all and so, at some point, I will likely give in to sin, possibly even deliberately. This scares me too because I feel that if I give into sin and have blasphemous/cursing thoughts towards the Holy Spirit while doing so, that I will essentially be committing the unforgivable sin of defiantly sinning against God while cursing his Spirit. I often find myself wishing I could go back to being like I was before this recurrence, where I could sin like a normal person, so to speak (which is to say, without the blasphemous thoughts), but whenever I think about that I find myself wondering, "Is this what I want? Just to go back being able to sin? Do I really feel remorse for my sins?" and so on, along with more blasphemous thoughts. Sometimes, I even feel overwhelmed with the urge to think about sinful things. It really feels even more complicated than my explanation can show, almost too difficult explain well. The whole thing has gotten so complicated in my mind that it now feels like I'm trapped in an inescapable maze. It's really scary.
Is anyone else experiencing or have you ever experienced anything like this? If so I'd love to hear from you. How did you deal with it or how are you currently dealing with it? If you made it through, how did you overcome it or escape the maze?
Just to be clear, I see a therapist and am on medication right now, but so far that has only helped a little.
Thanks,
Gordon
I was first diagnosed with OCD 14 years ago. At that time I suffered from fears of having committed the unpardonable sin, blasphemous/cursing thoughts against the Holy Spirit, and uncontrollable feelings of hatred and negativity towards Christ, the blood of Christ, and the Holy Spirit. It was a dark and frightening time and it took me three years to completely leave it behind, but after that, I was more or less completely well. For the last 11 years, though I have had to deal with my OCD at times, I have never come anywhere close to experiencing anything of the intensity of darkness and fear I experienced back then.
Three months ago, however, that all changed. I started to have blasphemous/cursing thoughts towards the Holy Spirit again. I don't remember the specific issue that caused the first thought, but it was some kind of "what if" thought in my mind about an issue where I had the thought "What if the Holy Spirit wants me to do/or not do X?" This was immediately followed by a thought that said "**** the Holy Spirit." That bothered me enough that I ended up purchasing and reading a book about the unforgivable sin. After reading the book, I felt that what it described as the unforgivable sin was not my sin and was comforted some, but almost as soon as I finished reading the book, a voice in my head said something like, "Well great! If cursing the Holy Spirit isn't the unforgivable sin, then why not do it some more!?" This was followed by more blasphemous thoughts. That truly frightened and freaked me out, and after that, the thoughts began to grow stronger and increase in frequency.
Since then, over the past three months, the OCD has just grown stronger and more complicated until it has largely consumed my life. Just like the last time, I struggle with constant, frequently uncontrollable blasphemous/cursing thoughts towards the Holy Spirit, negative emotions and feelings of hatred towards God and things to do with God, and constant fear that I am not saved and/or have committed the unpardonable sin. This time, however, things are more complicated than before because the OCD has latched onto moral and theological issues, which it uses to torture me and which also serve as triggers for the blasphemous cursing thoughts.
It gets complicated, but I'll try to give an example: Before the OCD recurrence, I struggled with temptations to various sins and sometimes gave into them. I would usually feel bad afterwards and would ask for forgiveness, though I often had trouble feeling forgiven. Since my OCD recurrence, I have become hyper conscious about sin. Anytime I think about sinning or am tempted to sin, I have blasphemous thoughts. Since, the blasphemous thoughts scare me so much and make me feel condemned, I try to avoid sinning or thinking about sin at all costs, lest it trigger the thoughts and leave me feeling hopeless and condemned. The trouble is that I know that it is impossible for me to live without sinning at all and so, at some point, I will likely give in to sin, possibly even deliberately. This scares me too because I feel that if I give into sin and have blasphemous/cursing thoughts towards the Holy Spirit while doing so, that I will essentially be committing the unforgivable sin of defiantly sinning against God while cursing his Spirit. I often find myself wishing I could go back to being like I was before this recurrence, where I could sin like a normal person, so to speak (which is to say, without the blasphemous thoughts), but whenever I think about that I find myself wondering, "Is this what I want? Just to go back being able to sin? Do I really feel remorse for my sins?" and so on, along with more blasphemous thoughts. Sometimes, I even feel overwhelmed with the urge to think about sinful things. It really feels even more complicated than my explanation can show, almost too difficult explain well. The whole thing has gotten so complicated in my mind that it now feels like I'm trapped in an inescapable maze. It's really scary.
Is anyone else experiencing or have you ever experienced anything like this? If so I'd love to hear from you. How did you deal with it or how are you currently dealing with it? If you made it through, how did you overcome it or escape the maze?
Just to be clear, I see a therapist and am on medication right now, but so far that has only helped a little.
Thanks,
Gordon