College and marriage

GuusVA · May 22, 2014

Hey guys,

Me again, well this time its more of a informative question.

Me and my girlfriend have decided to go to seminary together. Or bible school, which school will still have to be decided. Anyway the question is would it be smart to marry before college or not? I mean can people maybe help sort out the pro's and con's?
Some more information is, College no matter which will be away from home, so we will be living in that particular city. Probably in the dorm of that particular school or rent some rooms outside the dormitory. the education will be 3-4 years. We've been together 7 months well before that we talked a lot we've only been dating for 7 months. by the time college starts we will be dating approx. 1 year and 8 months.

Hope you guys can help, Any insight is allowed

God's Blessings,

ezeric · May 22, 2014

When you are really in love, you are willing to 'give up self' for the other.
Basically your life is incomplete unless the other is there making you/them - ONE.

I don't think college is the deciding factor, but your commitment to each other.
Certainly you can live cheaper together than single but that is NOT the deciding factor either!

One thing I know for sure, is this:
Having gone to bible school myself, is that they will teach you 'traditions of men' and what ends up being legalism. What you need to learn, and is the ONLY Gospel (Good News) is GRACE not Law.

That will CHANGE everything in your lives!
That is not getting close to the Kingdom - it IS the Kingdom.

-eric

GuusVA · May 22, 2014

ezeric said:
When you are really in love, you are willing to 'give up self' for the other.
Basically your life is incomplete unless the other is there making you/them - ONE.

I don't think college is the deciding factor, but your commitment to each other.
Certainly you can live cheaper together than single but that is NOT the deciding factor either!

One thing I know for sure, is this:
Having gone to bible school myself, is that they will teach you 'traditions of men' and what ends up being legalism. What you need to learn, and is the ONLY Gospel (Good News) is GRACE not Law.

That will CHANGE everything in your lives!
That is not getting close to the Kingdom - it IS the Kingdom.

-eric

Thanks, I definitly wont materialism decide my marriage.
About the law of men thing. I've heard that more often, I've taken it in good consideration for I want to be trained by God and not men, well God through men....

LoricaLady · May 22, 2014

Only the Father can see the future and know what is best in your situation. Praying for guidance and for all to work out according to His merciful will.

Inkachu · May 22, 2014

Umm, no. You're 18 years old, only been dating 7 months, and are about to enter a huge, new phase of life with a whole new set of experiences that neither of you can predict. You will not be the same people when you graduate from college. You've both still got a huge chunk of growing up to do. If this girl is the one for you, she'll still be the one after college.

Wait.

And definitely do NOT live together, not even as "roommates". NO, no, and no.

BFine · May 22, 2014

Are you both working and setting aside money for such expenses as
having your own place to live, paying for some type of transportation etc?
I recall you having some problem getting a driver's license-- have you been
able to secure one yet?

Are you and your girlfriend receiving counseling and mentoring
from mature Christians who are in sound marriages?
Having a good support system is very needed when
one is contemplating marriage at such young ages and
in a time when the economy still isn't doing so good and
good paying jobs are getting harder to find.

Lastly...
Has your home situation changed so you can be able to go
away to school or do you also have a plan in place that also includes
going to a college that's not so far from home?
If your mom's condition hasn't improved and she still requires regular
help around the house, do you have someone who will be helping her?
Is your dad still living away from home during the work week?
Are things with your parents improving or are they still the same?

GuusVA · May 22, 2014

Inkachu said:
Umm, no. You're 18 years old, only been dating 7 months, and are about to enter a huge, new phase of life with a whole new set of experiences that neither of you can predict. You will not be the same people when you graduate from college. You've both still got a huge chunk of growing up to do. If this girl is the one for you, she'll still be the one after college.

Wait.

And definitely do NOT live together, not even as "roommates". NO, no, and no.

Well by then we will be 19 dating 1 year and 8 months, We've both stuck in a lot of thought and prayer. We've been trying to put God in the center of our relation ship. BTW don't think my parent will help me pay schooling if I we became roommates.

BFine said:
Are you both working and setting aside money for such expenses as
having your own place to live, paying for some type of transportation etc?
I recall you having some problem getting a driver's license-- have you been
able to secure one yet?

Are you and your girlfriend receiving counseling and mentoring
from mature Christians who are in sound marriages?
Having a good support system is very needed when
one is contemplating marriage at such young ages and
in a time when the economy still isn't doing so good and
good paying jobs are getting harder to find.

Lastly...
Has your home situation changed so you can be able to go
away to school or do you also have a plan in place that also includes
going to a college that's not so far from home?
If your mom's condition hasn't improved and she still requires regular
help around the house, do you have someone who will be helping her?
Is your dad still living away from home during the work week?
Are things with your parents improving or are they still the same?

We've been saving up money and securing jobs. I have secured my drivers license and a sound mean of transportation. Yes we have couples whom are Christians and older that are helping us grow. My home situation has changed enough for me to be able to leave and well even if not I wil have to or I will lose my scholarship.

I was kinda asking what you guys would think of marriage in college or after college. Not in my situation particular. It has improved greatly.

Inkachu · May 22, 2014

AFTER college. I would never advise an 18/19 year old to get married.

BFine · May 22, 2014

I wanted to know about the other issues in your life so I could
give you my advice about marrying young and going to college etc.

I don't have a problem with it when people are prepared and have
connections with good resources to draw from when they need help.
If you both have prayed about the matter and have the Lord's peace
about getting married, then by all means do so.
It will not be easy but when you are committed in your faith walk, you
have resources to draw from and are diligently seeking God's guidance,
direction etc you can make it!

I know this, because all 3 of my step-children married young and were in
college-- like you, they had covered all the bases.
"Our" eldest son is a minister, the second son is a policeman and a music leader, the
third child is a daughter and she and her family are missionaries in Borneo.
(I came into a ready made family, I married their father a month after the daughter
got married, the other children were already married.)

graceandpeace · May 22, 2014

18/19 is too young. For sure wait until after college.

From experience, individuals undergo a lot of changes between 18-25 ish. It would be very unwise to marry now because in just another year or two you both may be very different people.

Wait it out.

ValleyGal · May 22, 2014

I'm with Inka on this one. If she's the one you want to spend your life with, there is no rush. With Bible school, it will either show you some areas that you are not compatible or it will give you an even more solid foundation on which to build your marriage. There is no harm in waiting. Even two years of dating at your age is not as much as it feels like to you. If you will be 19 before college, you'll only be 22 or 23 when you finish college. I think that's still really young for marriage, but it's better than being a teenager and marrying for life. Give it this few years of experiences, of getting to know each other on a new kind of level at Bible school, etc...then if you still feel the same way, then go for it. Imo.

GuusVA · May 22, 2014

Thanks everyone for their opinion. I'm still not sure with my own opinion. But at least I know opinions differ greatly. As well here as in my offline life. Some of my brothers married young and they turn out happy. Some people I know married young and they turn out happy. Anyway I know people who didn't as well.
I guess I'll spend a real lot of prayer on this.

jsimms615 · May 22, 2014

There are a lot of factors that aren't in your post. LIke what you plan to do to support yourselves and if you can work and go to school. Not knowing you, I don't know your commitment to each other. 7 months may not seem like a long time, but I knew I wanted to marry my wife after our first date. We've been together for 21 years now.

GuusVA · May 22, 2014

jsimms615 said:
There are a lot of factors that aren't in your post. LIke what you plan to do to support yourselves and if you can work and go to school. Not knowing you, I don't know your commitment to each other. 7 months may not seem like a long time, but I knew I wanted to marry my wife after our first date. We've been together for 21 years now.

Well our support in college is coming from working, and what's left to support our parents and scholarship will pray for. Well we are quite committed we've known we want to marry for a while already. I know 7 months is not that long. But we've not been into dating just any person before I asked her out on a date I prayed over this a lot. I asked God if he wanted me to ask her out. I didn't want to be dating several women and then just leave them cause "it didn't work out" we both have.
We are both not really just teenagers btw. We've had quite a though youth. I was bullied mostly then fell into some bad habits, I at a certain point went looking for God and :clap:

I found him and I want to follow him with all my heart. For her the story might be different but the end is the same.

Goodbook · May 22, 2014

Some questions to ask yourself.

How do you know she is the one for you? If you marry now, how will you provide for your children in those 3-4 years of college if you end up having them or will you be practising some sort of birth control? Why are you going to bible college? Are you both training to be teachers or ministers? Or just you?

GuusVA · May 22, 2014

Goodbook said:
Some questions to ask yourself.

How do you know she is the one for you? If you marry now, how will you provide for your children in those 3-4 years of college if you end up having them or will you be practising some sort of birth control? Why are you going to bible college? Are you both training to be teachers or ministers? Or just you?

Thanks

my mum said something similar.

parsley · May 23, 2014

Another thing to consider --what if one of you got accepted to the school, and the other didn't. Or what if one got discouraged and dropped out, or wanted to transfer schools? That is usually the biggest deterrent to couples staying together during college years -- each needs to be free to make and change their own plans. That can take a little time to settle out.

In general, I think it's nice that you want to stay devoted to each other and support each other at the same school.

Also, what if you both needed more schooling than you could afford before you could be hired: which one of you would make the sacrifice? Would you both go part time and delay being employable in ministry, or would one go full-time while the other supported them at work.

These are things to consider, because they come up often. It does not mean marriage is right or wrong at this time, but you will need to make the decisions together. As you said, your parents might cut back on support once they see you as a couple, just because people do that. Consider what might happen if you both needed money and had no one to borrow from.

You will also want to work out who does what if you marry and live together in college. Many men let the default roll to women doing housework, but you will need to contribute in a balanced way or she will resent the arrangement and feel like it takes away from her success in studies. Since you've been helping out at home you are familiar with what needs to be done, and that's good.

Very often couples find pregnancy arrives quicker than they'd planned after marriage. You might say that you plan to wait, but life finds a way. Consider how you will handle school and finances if she not just is pregnant, but has complications that cost more or require bedrest. Employers see a pregnant woman as a risk and expense, so even if she wants to work, it might be difficult for her to get a job.

(When I was pregnant, I rewrote my resume, gathered all my interview materials, drove half an hour, filled out a 6-page application in an HR office, and watched them throw it in the garbage without reading it. That's not legal here, but still done.)

BTW don't think my parent will help me pay schooling if I we became roommates...I have secured my drivers license and a sound mean of transportation. ... My home situation has changed enough for me to be able to leave and well even if not I wil have to or I will lose my scholarship.

That's great! Progress made. I think people were asking you questions because these apply to the situation.

seashale76 · May 23, 2014

GuusVA said:
Hey guys,

Me again, well this time its more of a informative question.

Me and my girlfriend have decided to go to seminary together. Or bible school, which school will still have to be decided. Anyway the question is would it be smart to marry before college or not? I mean can people maybe help sort out the pro's and con's?
Some more information is, College no matter which will be away from home, so we will be living in that particular city. Probably in the dorm of that particular school or rent some rooms outside the dormitory. the education will be 3-4 years. We've been together 7 months well before that we talked a lot we've only been dating for 7 months. by the time college starts we will be dating approx. 1 year and 8 months.

Hope you guys can help, Any insight is allowed

God's Blessings,

I know people who got married at eighteen/nineteen (two of my husband's siblings). Here is what wound up happening. These are stories for the con side.

1) His brother had a full scholarship to an engineering program with a 4.0 GPA his freshman year of college. Then he got married. He dropped out. He joined the Air Force. Then they had kids. His wife had health problems and never made it to college, and hasn't really ever worked. Then he left the Air Force and got an okay job doing what he did for the Air Force, except he will never get paid for his skill level because he doesn't have a degree. Now they're divorced and both have remarried.

2) My SIL also had a full scholarship at one point, but only has the equivalent of an associate's degree and works low paid office jobs. This is because she got pregnant at nineteen and dropped out of college. Her guy (married to him) thought that was ruining his life and left her and his son, and didn't bother paying child support. She wound up living with my in-laws and they helped her until she met my current BIL (who is a great guy). They proceeded to have three more kids. They struggle financially, even though my BIL does have a degree. He's had to take part-time jobs on top of his full-time job at various times.

I know quite a few other people who married that young too. In all cases (save one), the woman involved never finished her degree.

So, I'd say, unless the both of you are extremely mature, self-sufficient, and don't mind working on top of going to school full-time (which is very difficult), then I don't see it working out too well. And, let's be honest, anyone who is having sex (even if they're on birth control) can wind up getting pregnant at the most inconvenient times. Pregnancy can interfere drastically with your educational goals. My advice is to have a 3-4 year engagement.

GuusVA · May 24, 2014

thanks guys for the information

Spunkn · May 24, 2014

If you are really serious about going forward and possibly pursuing marriage soon find some other Godly people to surround you. Let them watch you two together and see how you behave and act.

Find an older couple and listen to them, and seek advice.

Do premarital counseling.

Spend time together doing work, a project, or something where it's not just hanging out.

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