Wife packing on pounds - how to address?

Hi there, I've got a question that's awkward to directly address with the wife.

We've been married seven years, happily married overall. She is 5'2". When we started dating, she was 95lbs, very slender and womanly. Today she is around 120. Might not sound like a lot but when you have barely 5 feet to work with, it adds up quickly. I'm 6'2" and 190.

We have 2 kids, understandably you gain weight during pregnancy. Less understandably is why you gain a lot of flab during pregnancy, and don't take it off after. Pregnancy is not the issue - I've seen pregnant woman with more slender, attractive figures than my wife when not pregnant.

We are barely in our 30's, and I'm looking with sadness at how she doesn't seem to do much to deal with it, and wondering if I'm going to be destined to live with a porker from now on. I don't want to leave because we have kids, and because I don't think that's right given my Christian faith.

Can you give me some tips on motivating a woman to want love her husband in how she keeps her physical appearance? Seems all too often that the girl will work hard at it before marriage when it benefits her, but then abandon it when it is mostly for the hubby's sake.

Talking about it is one thing - but have to be really careful because she's the kind of person who will interpret any kind of request for change as an intended attack. Looking for more indirect ways - or direct ways that will make an impact.

We've been married seven years, happily married overall. She is 5'2". When we started dating, she was 95lbs, very slender and womanly. Today she is around 120. Might not sound like a lot but when you have barely 5 feet to work with, it adds up quickly. I'm 6'2" and 190.

We have 2 kids, understandably you gain weight during pregnancy. Less understandably is why you gain a lot of flab during pregnancy, and don't take it off after. Pregnancy is not the issue - I've seen pregnant woman with more slender, attractive figures than my wife when not pregnant.

We are barely in our 30's, and I'm looking with sadness at how she doesn't seem to do much to deal with it, and wondering if I'm going to be destined to live with a porker from now on. I don't want to leave because we have kids, and because I don't think that's right given my Christian faith.

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Okay........so leaving isn't right.....given your "Christian faith".....but dripping with contempt (over external physical changes) is right, in your opinion?

Can you give me some tips on motivating a woman to want love her husband in how she keeps her physical appearance?

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No. I will pray that your idea of beauty changes to whatever your wife is at any given time.

I am 5'4", so I know what an extra 20-30 lbs looks like. If she started at 95 lbs, that is far too thin (underweight) and she is likely barely normal now. She is definitely not a "porker" and frankly, as someone who has been battling with weight since an accident left me somewhat physically limited in mobility, I am quite offended with the terminology. Is that how you would treat a sister in Christ? I should hope not....so why would you treat your wife, who you say you love, that way?

It might be helpful to check your motivations for wanting such a thin wife. If she is healthy, isn't that more important?

Exactly, VG.

BTW.......5'2" and 120 pounds translates to a size 4....most U.S. sizes call that "extra small". Also......if you're comparing her weight prior to age 25 to her weight after age 25......there is typically still bone growth until about age 30, I believe (just to throw that in for perspective).
IOW....under 25, females aren't fully matured.

The amount of bone tissue in the skeleton, known as bone mass, can keep growing until around age 30. At that point, bones have reached their maximum strength and density, known as peak bone mass.~http://www.niams.nih.gov/Health_Info/Bone/Osteoporosis/bone_mass.asp

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I would *hope* you see your wife as more than just her external appearance (which *still* sounds like that's admirable).

That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.~2nd Corinthians 4:16

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mkgal1 said:

Okay........so leaving isn't right.....given your "Christian faith".....but dripping with contempt (over external physical changes) is right, in your opinion?

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Or maybe he was saying that to prevent that sort of advice because he'd recieved it elsewhere.

Why don't you talk the problem over with your wife and suggest you both go running or do some sort of sports together?

If she doesn't think shes over weight, then she isn't overweight. If she does thinks shes overweight work out with her so you can motivate her and get in shape yourself so she can appreciate you as much as you hope to appreciate her.

LinkH said:

Or maybe he was saying that to prevent that sort of advice because he'd recieved it elsewhere.

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The first part of what the OP said, in that comment, was this:

We are barely in our 30's, and I'm looking with sadness at how she doesn't seem to do much to deal with it, and wondering if I'm going to be destined to live with a porker from now on.

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My point was.....if faith is an issue, then there is another aspect to consider beyond whether or not to stay in the marriage. It's about actually loving his spouse (that's a two-way relationship built on more than just the outer appearance).

From what I saw on another thread, the OP wishes he wasn't married to his wife and has a long, long laundry list of what makes a woman worthy of being his wife, so I really wouldn't waste my time on this thread. #29

http://www.christianforums.com/t7821435-3/

hitops said:

Hi there, I've got a question that's awkward to directly address with the wife.

We've been married seven years, happily married overall. She is 5'2". When we started dating, she was 95lbs, very slender and womanly. Today she is around 120. Might not sound like a lot but when you have barely 5 feet to work with, it adds up quickly. I'm 6'2" and 190.

We have 2 kids, understandably you gain weight during pregnancy. Less understandably is why you gain a lot of flab during pregnancy, and don't take it off after. Pregnancy is not the issue - I've seen pregnant woman with more slender, attractive figures than my wife when not pregnant.

We are barely in our 30's, and I'm looking with sadness at how she doesn't seem to do much to deal with it, and wondering if I'm going to be destined to live with a porker from now on. I don't want to leave because we have kids, and because I don't think that's right given my Christian faith.

Can you give me some tips on motivating a woman to want love her husband in how she keeps her physical appearance? Seems all too often that the girl will work hard at it before marriage when it benefits her, but then abandon it when it is mostly for the hubby's sake.

Talking about it is one thing - but have to be really careful because she's the kind of person who will interpret any kind of request for change as an intended attack. Looking for more indirect ways - or direct ways that will make an impact.

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Why don't you try telling her, "Honey, 5'2" and 120 lbs is perfectly normal, but I'm so shallow and insecure that I'd like for you to lose weight".

This quote is an interesting one from that thread:

Don't settle for a typical north american self-indulgent, directionless, overweight complainer with a token verbal acceptance of being Christian. Find a real woman who models herself on Christ.

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Wouldn't the same advice apply to women (not settling for a self-indulgent complainer)? And a man that does the same thing (model himself on Christ) would be a gem as well?

hitops said:

Hi there, I've got a question that's awkward to directly address with the wife.

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And so begins every post ever made where I realize how lucky I am to have my husband.

We've been married seven years, happily married overall. She is 5'2". When we started dating, she was 95lbs, very slender and womanly. Today she is around 120. Might not sound like a lot but when you have barely 5 feet to work with, it adds up quickly. I'm 6'2" and 190.

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So at 5 foot 2, 120 pounds, that means she has a BMI of 21.9. Healthy BMI is 18.5 - 24.9. So she's not only in her healthy BMI range, she's well short of any weight where she'd be considered overweight, much less obese.

When she was 95 pounds, she had a BMI of 17.4. That's a full point below the lowest her weight should be to be considered healthy.

Your weight and height is a BMI 24.4. You're .5 away from the "overweight" bracket.

Just FYI.

We have 2 kids, understandably you gain weight during pregnancy. Less understandably is why you gain a lot of flab during pregnancy, and don't take it off after. Pregnancy is not the issue - I've seen pregnant woman with more slender, attractive figures than my wife when not pregnant.

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Before I was pregnant, I could lose (with little effort) 5-7 pounds a week. Post pregnancy, same exact diet I had pre-diet, I was averaging 3 pounds a week. Now that I have Lyme Disease, if I lose 2 pounds a week, it requires insane effort.

So the whole mentality that "baby is out, where's your pre-baby figure?" is a completely, and I mean completely, unrealistic one. When you have a baby, it's very difficult to get that body back.

And before I'm written off as a "porker" who didn't ever hit their pre-baby weight, I actually ended up 5 pounds lighter post-pregnancy than my lowest pre-baby weight, and I gained almost no weight during the pregnancy (until the last month... Then I gained a ton). Even when I was 5 pounds lighter than my lightest, my body was certainly not as "slender, attractive" as my pre-baby one.

We are barely in our 30's, and I'm looking with sadness at how she doesn't seem to do much to deal with it, and wondering if I'm going to be destined to live with a porker from now on. I don't want to leave because we have kids, and because I don't think that's right given my Christian faith.

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She's not a "porker," she went from being underweight to in her normal weight range. I think your expectations and demands are unrealistic, and I think the way you address her is appalling.

Can you give me some tips on motivating a woman to want love her husband in how she keeps her physical appearance? Seems all too often that the girl will work hard at it before marriage when it benefits her, but then abandon it when it is mostly for the hubby's sake.

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I'm 5 Ft 7, I weigh 175 pounds right now. That's clearly, clearly well overweight. That's 15 pounds of my highest weight, 190, the weight I was when I met my now-husband. I went down to 134. Then I got pregnant, I went up to 160, then down to 128. My son was born in late June, by mid August I was in size 2-4 pants. Then I contracted Lyme, dieting didn't work, exercise is impossible, I hit 180. Now here I am, fighting to get that weight off again, and I know I will, but it's a huge fight compared to the first time around. Lyme Disease, age, and having a different metabolism post-baby... It changes the game.

My husband loved me at 190, 134, 160, 127, and now 175. Never would he dream about calling me a "porker." He knows that all of these things impact my weight and he's OK with it. He didn't marry me for a great frame, he married me for me.

Women don't say "I got my husband, now I'm going to pork out." They have babies. They make larger meals to impress their loved ones. They spend more time relying on take out so they can have more time with the kids, with their husband, with their family. They get older and have a slower metabolism.

For a woman like your wife, who's not even flirting with being overweight, she has absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You, on the other hand, you need to check yourself before you wreck your marriage.

Talking about it is one thing - but have to be really careful because she's the kind of person who will interpret any kind of request for change as an intended attack. Looking for more indirect ways - or direct ways that will make an impact.

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There is no way that you can approach any woman, from here to eternity, who's in her healthy weight range and imply, outright state, or request that she lose weight without it being taken as an attack... And rightly so. The woman who gets called a "porker" and doesn't flip out hasn't been created yet.

You want to make an impact? Reel in your expectations, look at the healthy weight your gorgeous wife has after giving you not one, but two children, and your "pretty good" marriage and realize that you're a lucky guy who's risking ruining it by only seeing your wife as a pretty thing and being disappointed she's not at the impossible standard she was at before.

You guys are being too harsh. The OP is right. His wife would be a lot healthier and happier if she lost 190 lbs.

Wow... I feel sorry for your wife.

.

nm...response was to glo and she removed so it appears out of context.

That's what I was thinking too, Tropical. Her BMI is exactly where it should be. She's healthy, not overweight. She would have to gain another 17 pounds before she'd even qualify as overweight.

Some women are extremely petite. So what? Five years from now, when your shiny head starts peeking through your thinning hair, she might think, "I have seen plenty of 40-year-olds with a full head of hair. Why did I end up with a baldy?" Would that hurt your feelings? Of course it would. You are who you are, not simply a carcass going through changes less attractive than your peers.

She is healthy the way she is. That is just a fact, based on the data you gave. A person's metabolism slows with age, regardless of whether they have children. So even a healthy woman, in a healthy weight range, will climb a little within that range after hitting 25 or so. Also, body proportions typically change after pregnancy, and this is not usually reversible. But it does not sound like a worthy request on your part anyway.

I can kind of understand where you're coming from, because my husband cares very much about physical health and appearance, too. So I'm going to tell you our story, from my point of view, because it's similar.

When my husband and I got married, I was 21 years old, and weighed 110-115ish pounds (we use kg here, so I'm not entirely sure on the math). Nearly four years and one baby later, I'm closer to 130 pounds. This is still well within a healthy weight range for my height, and in fact I'm still smaller than most other mums I know, but I'm bigger than I used to be. Specifically, I now carry a lot of fat around my stomach, which I hate and am intensely ashamed of.

When you have a baby, your body changes. Your metabolism changes. You do gain a lot of flab. Or at least, I did. And so do many other women. Hey, I have one friend who is actually skinnier post-baby than she was pre-baby. But most women, especially those like your wife and I who never had to worry about weight before, are blind-sided by now needing to watch our weight.

Yes, if an attractive spouse is one of your emotional needs, she needs to be aware of that. But honestly, her weight gain isn't about you. It's not that she's let herself go, it's that her body has been completely changed by pregnancy, and now she has two little ones to look after. Things are different now than when you first got married.

hitops said:

Can you give me some tips on motivating a woman to want love her husband in how she keeps her physical appearance? Seems all too often that the girl will work hard at it before marriage when it benefits her, but then abandon it when it is mostly for the hubby's sake.

Talking about it is one thing - but have to be really careful because she's the kind of person who will interpret any kind of request for change as an intended attack. Looking for more indirect ways - or direct ways that will make an impact.

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I have the same thoughts as everyone else here has. She is perfectly fine the way she is (at least weight-wise, which is what we're talking about). I think it's you who needs to change. It's not your business to change your wife; it's your business to love her as Christ loves the Church. I've been married a lot longer than you, so take it from someone with a lot of experience: trying to change a spouse causes nothing but resentment, arguments, marital unrest, etc. Work on loving her as she is, and keep loving her no matter what.

seeingeyes said:

You guys are being too harsh. The OP is right. His wife would be a lot healthier and happier if she lost 190 lbs.

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If the Bible didn't forbid divorce, I'd say she'd be a lot healthier and happier if she lost him.