Struggling with adultery

Wow Sharlene. Okay .. there's a lot to say about this.

Firstly, why did you marry a man who was not a Christian? No judgment, just a question.

It is my strong belief that, if you give into this, you run the possibility of several outcomes - you will open the door to your latent attraction to women, and it may not be easily closed again. Your husband may decide that as you opened the door to mutiple partners, he can 'cheat' without any consequences - and I use the word 'cheat' lightly, because of course having sex with another couple means you are both 'cheating' on your wedding vows. So, you are basically cheapening those vows and therefore your marriage. Your marriage may not be able to stand this hammering of mutliple sex partners and bisexuality, so you may find yourself alone, and even more confused than when you started.

I'm not judging you for your feelings about women. We are all "fearfully and wonderfully made" by God, and I don't believe that people "choose" to have same sex feelings. However, we can choose to not follow through - and not to have sex with unknown 'others'. It would be hard work for you to resist, but this is why I was going to tell you to get yourself to counseling. ASAP. The swinging lifestyle will crush you. It will crush Christ out of you too.

One last thought - as your husband is not a Christian, what do you think he will think then of Christians if you do something that he knows is against God? That makes you no different to him, and no different to all other non-Christians. How would it be if you said to him that despite feeling the temptation, you are not going to give in to it, because you love Christ more than you love yourself - or him? If you kept on giving him that message, in time, perhaps he could be won over by your example. You could look up one day, both Christians, both grateful that you did not do this thing.

We are all under temptation but remember that "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

But the counseling should be a priority!!

There is something unsatisfied in your sexual life I suspect. That will require some examination of your sexual values related to sexuality as a whole, not just intercourse. Something is missing too in your mutual understanding of married sexuality that is more than moral values.

You may be a very sexual person and that can have some interesting connotations for a Christian woman due to some rather negative teaching around in some circles that does not present sex as celebration.

John
NZ

I have a temptation for an affair that surrounds me all the time. I REALLY want to give in, and it is hard. Like you, I wish that I didn't have to follow "the rules". One day, the thought came to me, "You don't need to compromise your values with this person." I believe that was a message from God, and I have held on to that in my hardest moments...sometimes *clinging* to that thought. Please, talk with God about this. Tell Him, ask Him for strength. Going through this helps me understand better what it means that Jesus KNEW temptation. He knows how hard it is to walk away when you want something, and you try to talk yourself into "it's not THAT bad." It really was a big deal when He turned down the things Satan offered Him. I used to think, when I read that passage, that He was able to turn those things down easily, but now I don't think so.

Sharlene,
Welcome to CF.
Lots for you to respond to. Sounds like you might have pretty good communication with your husband. But I'd be interested in hearing how you evaluate the communication with your husband.

Just gonna throw this out there. Obviously the rules God has against these things are doing what they can but I want to add this.

First of all do you enjoy and want to remain married to your husband in a good relationship? Do you love him and he you?

If so, do you not think that there could be unintended consequences if you guys where to engage in this action?

See I'm just thinking that typically marriages contracted for love are monogamous. Which means generally speaking when two people love one another they get married on the agreement that they will remain sexually faithful to one another. And that if one partner cheats and the other finds out, it tends to be very destructive to the marriage/relationship.

Why is this? Well I can't say for absolute certain, but I would say that when we love someone in a romantic way we desire for ourselves sole "sexual rights" if you will to that person. Basically I mean that we desire to be the only person that has sex with our spouse. And that other people having sex with our spouse is sufficently bothersome to us.

I don't believe this is just some cultural invention or something so everyone know's who the father is when a child is born. When marriages are done for love, generally both spouses expect faithfulness from one another. There are cultures that arn't like this, but are those marriages contracted because 2 people love each other or are they done for baby making and property agreements?

I wouldn't ask yourself if you want to have sex with other people. Many people wouldn't admit this but deep down in our most selfish desires, I would say pretty much everyone would like to have sex with at least one other person that is not their spouse, if not several. That doesn't mean they would do it, because there are important considerations to these things other then just a question of what one desires. (Sort of like, I want a million dollars, but I'm not willing to rob a bank to get it.)

So don't ask yourself if you want to have sex with other people, man or woman. I'd ask yourself if you want other people to have sex with your husband.

I can't help but detect in each post above, an undertone of disdain for the 'non-believing' spouse and support for the 'believer'. Pretty soon I'm going to stop looking at this forum because the questions and answers all point to this sense of self-superiority that Christians hold over non-Christians. We don't know the truth of the non believers motivation for looking at the swingers website, but what we do know for certain is that the Christian is the one strugging with temptation and bisexuality. It's amazing that when the non believer presents immorality, it's blamed on his/her atheism and Godlessness. But when the Christian suffers from these human conditions the advice suddenly changes.

My question is Why did 'he' marry you? I'm not trying to insult but reading this forum it amazes me how immoral Christians are; no wonder they conclude atheists are so bad. "If I'm a Christian and I think this, goodness what does a non Christian think? ". Ask I know is that US States with a higher proportion of Republican voters have higher divorce rates. Honestly, in time I think your temptation will pass - just make sure you never catch yourself moving closer to it.

^^^
A fair point, and I will respond to it.

I think that when you come to belief in God and Jesus, the battle gets worse before it gets better. It's kind of like putting yourself out there, on the frontline. The temptations, all the dark stuff inside, it doesn't go away on the day you accept God into your life. It actually becomes magnified. When you become a Christian you have to come face to face with darkness.

I also wanted to say that in many cases, what we feel is "darkness" and "evil" represent a twisting of natural desires that are good. For example, the OP is attracted to women "sexually". But what percentage of that attraction is accounted for by natural, healthy, God-given attraction to women as human beings. Perhaps, she is lacking female companionship and it is being interpreted as something "evil" when in fact at the base of it, it's a good thing. Often there is a choice in what we DO with our desires. I think the enemy attempts to twist our God given desires.

Let's say you are a married man and you meet a young woman in your neighborhood on the street, and your wife isn't around. She is quite beautiful and you are attracted to her. You can't fight it. Two things can happen. You can take the connection and use it for a Godly purpose--for example, your wife is looking for some good female friends and this young woman could be just the person for her to spend time with during the day. You could introduce her to your wife and try to make her a part of your community. OR, you could do the wrong thing, try to keep the connection a secret and indulge in a little fantasy. There is always a choice. Always. That's the problem with having God's greatest gift, free will. You are stuck making choices all the time and these choices have consequences.

OP--why don't you try to enhance your community by reaching out to other couples, not to "swing" with them, but to share hobbies, cook together, go on outings, have real conversations, etc. Tell your husband that instead of swinging, you'd like to try something even better. Something that once he sees, he won't be able to deny that you are doing something very interesting and worthwhile. He might even come to know God through you. You never know! Also tell him that after all this, you want to come home with only HIM and make beautiful love with just HIM because he is your HUSBAND. I have a feeling that if you were to make your lives more like this, the desires and temptations would cool down a bit.

I think the key is to start with where you are at right now. Admit that you are drifting and aren't sure what to do. You feel conflicted and are fighting all these feelings. Unload that burden because God can carry it for you. Ask him, "what should I do with these feelings?" "What do you want me to do with my attraction to women?" The answers may surprise you. God may be pushing you to make new connections with people for his holy purposes....using your feelings to push you. But you may be interpreting those feelings wrongly and trying to do the wrong thing with them. We have been taught by this world that we are supposed to have sex with people we are attracted to. But what if that isn't always true? Seek God's word on what you should do with your holy body. He has a plan for you! He even has a plan for your husband. What would it look like if God shined so brightly through you that your husband was overtaken and saved.

God loves you and knows your heart. Pray and trust in Him that He may take away these lustful ideas from you and your husband. Also pray for his salvation.

My pastor's take on this that I got from a sermon a while back is that this is an idolatry/sin issue, not just a person with a high sex drive. There are many verses in the Bible talking about how man turned from the things of God and he gave them over to their sins.
Ask for God to remove this temptation from your life and stop indulging in it despite it probably being enjoyable to you. Are you really ready to give up the sin? Make sure you are staying in fellowship with other believers and get accountability.

This is such a hot topic right now among the married women I know. It seems like everyone is so into S&M erotic stories, 50 shades of grey, etc. My goodness, even the christian women I know post things on FB about it!!! But as I have read the old testament over the past 6 months, and fully embraced why God commanded that the Israelites destroy the groups living in Canaan, I really started to see the parallels with swinging/orgies/S&M. These groups routinely engaged in this behavior, especially in the worship of their gods. God did not want the Israelites to be polluted by these practices. He knew it wouldn't take long before they would start participating in orgies and worshiping false gods. Once I started to see things in this light, I actually have become completely sickened by these things. It's like an evil that my entire being recoils from. I have also been somewhat attracted to women over the years, but I can look back and see that it was encouraged by very evil influences. I really think the enemy loves to confuse us. I am so happy that you had the courage and strength to delete that account. Pray every day that God gives you the strength. Also, study the OT. Read a good study bible or just start doing some online research. Maybe it will also help you gain some new perspective and strength.

Sending prayers

Note: I am a new christian and my husband is not a christian (yet)

Also, I just started a women's bible study of 1 & 2 Peter and this passage just jumped out at me:

From 1 Peter 4: 1-6
Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. 2 As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 3 For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 4 They are surprised that you do not join them in their reckless, wild living, and they heap abuse on you. 5 But they will have to give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. 6 For this is the reason the gospel was preached even to those who are now dead, so that they might be judged according to human standards in regard to the body, but live according to God in regard to the spirit.

Just something to consider. These temptations are nothing new and have been going on for thousands of years. But you are NEW, reborn through the blood of Jesus Christ. Peace be with you!!!

wow obviously he spends to much time a christian list judging christians, instead of on a worldly list judging his own. I wonder when he was on a atheist list of any kind anywhere ?

Hoping all is well with you, Sharlene. Please post an update if you can. Prayed for you.