Has Life Marred You?

Has Life Marred Me? Yes!

But look how life marred Jesus Himself!

Oh, beware, God's Fighter, and consider who it is that you serve and who it is that you fight, lest you strike your own soul in the fog of war.

You said; "I have to admit, part of this is for my own satisfaction. Part of it is for my own survival. I've devolved into an instinctual survival mode. Like a wounded animal that is being hunted. Eventually they will corner me and I will eviscerate them, with my words of course.
"

I know that feeling, God's Fighter, especially when you have been wounded by people you trusted.

Consider that planning revenge is nowhere supported in the Bible. What did David do when his own king, King Saul, who was like a second father to him, drove him into the desert? He did not seek revenge. He even demonstrated to the sleeping Saul that he would not take it even when he had the chance. But David did defend himself while he continuously lamented his condition to the Lord, and continually appealed to the Lord for help, protection, and even vindication.

Everywhere God tells us that we will "see" our enemies ( our spiritual enemies) defeated, but not that we ourselves will defeat them.

God's Fighter, I remember how hard it was when I came out of the wilderness and found myself in what I now call the "Church of the Month Club". finding a new church home is very very hard, indeed.

But consider what all the saints of old have done when they, too, have been hurt and outcast. They went to the Lord in solitary supplication and prayer and they dwelled not on the wrongs they had suffered but they dwelled on what the Lord would have them do. Some remained in solitude as contemplative prayer-warriors while others returned to the world to found vibrant new communities.

Pray the psalms daily and seek refuge in the Lord himself and he will lead you, even if it does mean spending some time in the "Church of the Month" club until you find the place God wants you to be, but don't despair if He leads you into solitude for awhile. Just make sure you stay in touch with His Holy Word and open to fellowship from His own disciples. Find a way to serve daily, but don't dwell on the wrongs of the past.

Life has for sure marred me.

I understand your frustration with the church and how they have treated you. Luckily I have not had that experience, but I did have a serious test of faith that caused me great agony. Even thinking of it today still churns strong emotions inside.

The lasting effect, has been that I have a much harder time coming close to God. I also found that I haven't wanted to draw near at times. Luckily, recently, I have been filled with a desire to be close to God again, and am doing so. I have not been the best person since I've been marred.

Keep pressing forward, however. And remember that your fight and struggles here are only temporary, and what can mere men do to your bodies? Beware though of those who wish to crush your soul.