I am in terror, feeling like a scared boy trapped in the body of a 20-something year old - scared, lonely, and desperate for help. I longed for the embrace of a fathers arms, a friends care, some form of affirmation. But all I have is neglect and pain. My needs for affirmation morphed into jealousy and lust, the veneration of masculinity, which I so desperately want. In that, I succumbed to the toxic sewage that is homosexuality. It does not satisfy, it only brings hatred and agony. How can one satisfy their emotional needs without the proper emotional care? Sexual promiscuity does not solve that. I am terrified of other men. In defense of myself, I have shut myself out from caring for others I must survive, thus I am selfish, unable to wonder of how others feel. I have seen death so many times, that it no longer holds any meaning to me. My soul is harsh, hardened to stone, unable to care. I must survive.
Yet, in my survival, I despise life. The irony baffles me. A former addict of an unusual drug, I cannot take joys in anything now. Not in friends, family, or hobbies nothing satisfies me. Even my addiction lost its luster after 7 years. But not only did it lose its original potency with time, it also helped me lose my friends, my confidence, my hope at masculinity, my empathy, my social fluency, my enjoyment of anything but a greater high. My very memory itself has been irreparably damaged by the addiction of my teenage years I remember nothing except the most life-dominating events. Even now, what gives others great excitement and happiness simply adds a drop of happiness to a bottomless well of despondency - worthless. Yet, I can hardly even motivate myself to care about this.
But the most precious of all has been robbed of me God. Oh how I wish I could know the Lord Jesus Christ. I nearly cringe when others call me a Christian. They look at my deeds and think me to be a follower of Christ! How I wish that could be. Even reading the Bible again and again, even wanting to simply let go and trust, I cannot. I know God is real I know Jesus is real, and that he must be God. Yet I cannot convince my heart of it. I agonize over trying to believe, but cannot.
I repent of my sin, cutting off my ties with that which tempts me, whether my addiction or my drive for homosexual behavior. I have gotten rid of them. I know righteousness is not through the Law/works; I know it is through faith by Gods grace. The gospel proclaims that I must repent and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, his perfect life a propitiation, his blood and death a sacrifice for my sins, my sins imputed on to him, his resurrection an offering of new life for me. Yet, why then, do I get no joy from his Word? Why can I not simply believe in my heart? Why does God not love me enough to let me believe? Am I holding on to some sin? Am I holding back? What is it tell me and I will throw it away for your sake, Lord! Is it my utmost desire to be loved by people on this earth, to be treated like a fellow man, to be able to speak without feeling terror? God if those are idols, let me be rid of them! I only want you. If only I could know instead of be hopeless.
And so the world draws me in it makes me want to conform, since God will not love me, maybe they will. How wrong is that? Yet in conflict, my soul refuses to do it. Is it simply a religious tradition for me, or is this some safeguard by the Holy Spirit? I think not I think that I am a reprobate. Made for dishonorable use, that Gods glory may be magnified in saving the others. What then do I do? All I can do for him is continue to act as a Christian, continue to fake believing for the sake of my Christian friends, continue to tell people Jesus is the only one in whom salvation is found, continue to be obedient to Gods Word. So be it if I, a reprobate, can do something to make God happy, then let it be done. Yet, without faith it is impossible to please God I lose, and I am worthless for Gods glory. I wish I could run to the arms of Jesus, accept him as God, be drawn to him, knowing that I rest in his arms by his complete, full sacrifice for me on the cross. I wish I could agree with him, that his yoke is easy and burden is light but he refuses to let me embrace him and come on my knees, confessing his name truthfully to the world in repentance and belief.
I have forgotten the love (did I have any?) of Jesus from my childhood. I never learned any form of masculinity. I have lost my happiness, my friends, my family, my memory, my empathy, my compassion, my drive to love others. Nobody truly wants anything to do with me, because I can only serve myself in genuineness. I am a fake, deceiving others with my life, but I cannot deceive God. He knows. Though my addiction is gone, though I do not act on my homosexual lusts, though I do my best to flee from temptation, in some feeble attempt at repentance it means nothing without belief; those are as filthy rags. Though my life is a hopeless hell already, I am destined for an even worse hell when this hell ends.
Through it all though, I will try to say, as Job did, Naked I came from my mothers womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. Is this even of any value? I wish the Lord would have pity on me and draw me to him that I might accept but I fear that is not an option hes going to offer. Please if there is any way you can help me I beg you, please tell me what I must do. As Jesus said, This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent. Yet even that I seem incapable of doing.
Sorry for my life story.
Yet, in my survival, I despise life. The irony baffles me. A former addict of an unusual drug, I cannot take joys in anything now. Not in friends, family, or hobbies nothing satisfies me. Even my addiction lost its luster after 7 years. But not only did it lose its original potency with time, it also helped me lose my friends, my confidence, my hope at masculinity, my empathy, my social fluency, my enjoyment of anything but a greater high. My very memory itself has been irreparably damaged by the addiction of my teenage years I remember nothing except the most life-dominating events. Even now, what gives others great excitement and happiness simply adds a drop of happiness to a bottomless well of despondency - worthless. Yet, I can hardly even motivate myself to care about this.
But the most precious of all has been robbed of me God. Oh how I wish I could know the Lord Jesus Christ. I nearly cringe when others call me a Christian. They look at my deeds and think me to be a follower of Christ! How I wish that could be. Even reading the Bible again and again, even wanting to simply let go and trust, I cannot. I know God is real I know Jesus is real, and that he must be God. Yet I cannot convince my heart of it. I agonize over trying to believe, but cannot.
I repent of my sin, cutting off my ties with that which tempts me, whether my addiction or my drive for homosexual behavior. I have gotten rid of them. I know righteousness is not through the Law/works; I know it is through faith by Gods grace. The gospel proclaims that I must repent and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, his perfect life a propitiation, his blood and death a sacrifice for my sins, my sins imputed on to him, his resurrection an offering of new life for me. Yet, why then, do I get no joy from his Word? Why can I not simply believe in my heart? Why does God not love me enough to let me believe? Am I holding on to some sin? Am I holding back? What is it tell me and I will throw it away for your sake, Lord! Is it my utmost desire to be loved by people on this earth, to be treated like a fellow man, to be able to speak without feeling terror? God if those are idols, let me be rid of them! I only want you. If only I could know instead of be hopeless.
And so the world draws me in it makes me want to conform, since God will not love me, maybe they will. How wrong is that? Yet in conflict, my soul refuses to do it. Is it simply a religious tradition for me, or is this some safeguard by the Holy Spirit? I think not I think that I am a reprobate. Made for dishonorable use, that Gods glory may be magnified in saving the others. What then do I do? All I can do for him is continue to act as a Christian, continue to fake believing for the sake of my Christian friends, continue to tell people Jesus is the only one in whom salvation is found, continue to be obedient to Gods Word. So be it if I, a reprobate, can do something to make God happy, then let it be done. Yet, without faith it is impossible to please God I lose, and I am worthless for Gods glory. I wish I could run to the arms of Jesus, accept him as God, be drawn to him, knowing that I rest in his arms by his complete, full sacrifice for me on the cross. I wish I could agree with him, that his yoke is easy and burden is light but he refuses to let me embrace him and come on my knees, confessing his name truthfully to the world in repentance and belief.
I have forgotten the love (did I have any?) of Jesus from my childhood. I never learned any form of masculinity. I have lost my happiness, my friends, my family, my memory, my empathy, my compassion, my drive to love others. Nobody truly wants anything to do with me, because I can only serve myself in genuineness. I am a fake, deceiving others with my life, but I cannot deceive God. He knows. Though my addiction is gone, though I do not act on my homosexual lusts, though I do my best to flee from temptation, in some feeble attempt at repentance it means nothing without belief; those are as filthy rags. Though my life is a hopeless hell already, I am destined for an even worse hell when this hell ends.
Through it all though, I will try to say, as Job did, Naked I came from my mothers womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. Is this even of any value? I wish the Lord would have pity on me and draw me to him that I might accept but I fear that is not an option hes going to offer. Please if there is any way you can help me I beg you, please tell me what I must do. As Jesus said, This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent. Yet even that I seem incapable of doing.
Sorry for my life story.
