How to nicely tell someone to take a hike, get lost.

you did mention friendship.. and real friends either try their best to be understanding, or atleast give an explaination, as to why we cannot..
resolve can only come through communication.. when that stops.. any hope for reconciliation follows..
why not take a time out.. say, and do nothing drastic.. time has a wonderful way of taking the edge off..
if she does ask.. kindly tell her that some things have come up, and you are trying to sort through them.. that is not a lie.. and it will give you the space you are looking for..
but, do work through this.. nobody deserves to just be discarded.. and real friendship is a rarity..
hope it all works out for you zeener..

i had a similar experience a number of years ago with a person who i was a friend to since kindergarten. this person was lost for many years, and finally took advantage of me once too many times, and in a big way, so i stopped responding to his calls and emails. a few years ago he came to know the Lord, and stopped by my Mama's house one day when i was there to share this with me. i felt led to help him and began to visit with him on a regular basis to encourage him to stay in the scripture, and he began to ask for help in ways that set off red flags, so i backed him off to an email relationship. recently he's had several major health issues, and i did visit him to encourage him in his faith, but no other reason. right now we have an email relationship, and although he does call me from time to time under the pretense of friendship, he always gets around to asking for something when i answer. i rarely take his calls, and neither visit him or invite him to visit me. the warning signs are still there from time to time that indicate he would suck the life out of other people and justify it in his own mind, so i keep him at a safe distance. it's sad, because we've known each other for decades, but he simply isn't trustworthy, and seems to be blind to this fact. the only reason i maintain contact with him is because i feel led to be there for him as a Christian brother, but don't see that he will get another chance to re-earn my trust (outside of God's leading).

i had another long-time friend who became so bitter with life that he became a negative influence on my life even after he came to know the Lord, and would not yield to scripture - i cut this person off completely.

God may want to minister to this person through you, but he does not expect you to continue to be a victim; consider maintaining an email relationship that is God-focused, and does not include business or friendship-type activities - this way you can throttle the influence this person has with you and the drain they can have on your time. if they become a negative influence and refuse to yield to scripture, cut them off completely; but be open to God's leading as well. someone who is a 'sucker' (sucks the life out of other people) will eventually find themselves alone, and you may be the only one that God has available to help them when they reach this point.

Dear z n r. In Matthew 22: 35-40: Jesus tells a Lawyer: " The first and great Commandment is: Love God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. The second is like it: Love thy neighbour as THYSELF. Then Jesus points out this great fact: " On these two Commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." God wants our Love, freely given and NO condition tagged on. We have what Jesus told us: Love our neighbour as we love OURSELVES.
Do to the lady as you would like to have done to yourself, and sometimes we have to take a stand: BUT DO IT WITH LOVE/KINDNESS.
I say this with love, z n r. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

The scripture says "how can two people walk unless they are in agreement?"

Amos 3:3

So you can't.

And that is what I would tell them: (maybe like this)

"Sorry, this thing (we were working on) is not working out. We both thought it would be better, but clearly (sadly) its not. So, all I want is to tidy up any lose ends so that we can both go our separate ways…And I would appreciate if we could bring closure to this..thankyou!"

If more is needed:

"Because this (____Thing______) really made me feel frustrated and sad and I don't /can't' go on like this anymore".

In business they teach you to make them 'feel' it, don't give facts, but let them KNOW how you feel.

Say something like that.
When you say it -mean it.

There is nothing wrong with that..for its wisdom.

As for leading people closure to the LORD (although Zeener, you never mentioned it was more business, I know).

BUT

If it was the LORDS leading, well sometimes we just have a job to do and thats it.
Paul planted…
Apollos watered…
But only GOD makes it grow! (each having a part to play). 1 Corinthians 3:6

Hope this helps,

LORD (DAD) help Zeener with the boldness to say what she needs to say, yet the compassion to say it so the scripture can be fulfilled "Speaking the truth in love".
(Eph 4:15)

Amen


-eric

Your business-invading private life experience is similar to my one in that I signed up with Amway as a business owner and focused on one product that suits my health, although the product is a tapwater filter that uses ultraviolet light besides a carbon filter to destroy bacteria, the expensive price is equivalent to buying a Ferrari supercar, that unfortunately is not for everyone either poor or middle class can afford while on a tight budget.:
I actually told my Amway partner that I decided to remain a customer instead of a business owner, purchasing only the new filter replacement whenever the old one is used. Also, I sneakily bought another mobile phone with another mobile service provider and cancelled the other service provider with my old out-of-date mobile phone that's 2 years old and that my Amway partner does not know I'm using my new one for private calls only .;'*';.

znr said:

I'm pretty certain I've been used in a business situation by another believer; I see all the red flags and feel the effects of being taken advantage. This person certainly is unable admit to having done wrong and I don't expect or require that as I am not looking for resolution; I am just that certain I've been used and taken advantage of and I'm fine with slipping away. I'm not angry other than in a "mad" sort of way since I allowed it because I'm naive. I've been avoiding this person happily for a week now and would love to continue avoiding her but she is trying to contact me via facebook since I have been ignoring her calls.

All I want to say at this point is "get lost, idiot", but that won't make me feel good and I'm not trying to hurt her feelings. I'm hoping that she's slick enough to take subtle hints, but then I think she has and part of the game is to ignore hints.

There are a few loose ends that need to be worked out, but basically I want nothing to do with her anymore. She has disrespected me, taken advantage, been somewhat deceptive and attempted, but failed, to manipulate me using scripture...that part was midly amusing, but annoying.

Please don't mention her spiritual condition nor question her place with God. I don't think in those terms; she's a believer and she's obviously weak in a few areas as are we all. So I don't see it in terms of she is wrong and I am right. I see it in terms of this business / friendship connection is not working out and it needs to end, and peace to both of us.

However, I can be a bit harsh when I am annoyed and hurt and I'm afraid I might hurt her feelings (though, she may have it coming) but mostly I'm trying to avoid saying anything that might rope me into any discussion since resolution seems impossible since she doesn't seem to be in touch with her true motives in the first place. If she were to confess to me that her motives have not been pure then I might listen, but I'd still feel the same and just want to wish her a nice life. Trust has been broken several times and I'm not interested in working things out.

Any advice?

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Hmm...since this is business, maybe you could use your "business voice".

Something along the lines of: "I'm looking forward to getting these loose ends tied up so I can move forward on another project I'm working on. I need this deal to be complete by next Friday."

Straightforward. Dispassionate. Precise.

Looking deeper…
I see that you admit that: "I'm not angry other than in a "mad" sort of way
since I allowed it because I'm naive."

You could look at this as a learning lesson-- you admit to being naive, one
has to "mature" and this is brought about through various circumstances and usually
via other people (even those we find annoying.)

znr, don't avoid her, tie up the loose-ends-- no
more "hiding", deal with this person--- Pray about this.
Look at: Colossians 4:6 “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.”

Remember:
Matthew 5:44, 45 “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse
you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth
rain on the just and on the unjust.”

What I underlined in the previous scripture--
The Lord knows this is hard for us...
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).
What God commands, only He can accomplish, including the demand to love our enemies. What is impossible for man becomes possible for those who give their lives to
Jesus Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in our hearts.

Diligently seek the Lord in this matter and rely upon Him so you can appropriately deal with a difficult person… even if the person is a Christian.

I would highly recommend to be at peace before trying to tie up loose ends if possible. You need to be able to talk with her without turning it into WWIII. That means setting aside any injustice, any pride, any "I want", no matter how small, in prayer. It may not seem like the right time, but this is the time you should be completely emercing yourself in your relationship with God. So if she tries to argue, tries to throw blame, tries to manipulate, you can stay on target and not get sucked in.

I agree with ezeric about sending a note in that fashion. Keep it goal orientated and focused on business. Obviously you've had disagreements, so it shouldn't come as a shock nor should you need to explain exactly why you want to move onto other things. But I also know this friend might not react well to this or she may undermine your feelings or your will. If she replies in a way that boggles the mind or she's steering the conversation elsewhere, don't reply right away. It is better to shut-up & accept the insult, than get sucked in. If anything ask others again for how to reply. So that you might keep focused on the goal (cleaning up business) and not get dragged into "You're an idiot!" and hurt feelings. Unless you have a contract, you are not required to continue business even if you're wrong.

I would HIGHLY recommend dealing with the business end before you address any shortcomings about how she or you dealt with business. If she wants to deal with the situation (the feelings/relational side) then tell her you think it is best to work out the loose ends first before you talk it out. This might prevent her from getting stuck on "I have to fix this now". Believe me, I understand being done with friends, but give her a chance to reconcile the relationship. Give her a chance to apologize, give her a chance to humbly accept your frustrations so she might learn and grow.

When it comes to business, everyone comes in with a certain perspective. Realize you may see her as being manipulative, but it might just be business as usual or a misunderstanding. She may NOT have anything to apologize for except that things should have been more clear. If she has no humility to at least apologize and acknowledge your feelings, you're free to walk away. There are some people who are just toxic.

I've been in a situation where I told some friends I would give a certain amount of money for their help on a job (to pay for their event tickets), everyone agreed over the conditions. They believe the amount was an equal share, not a set amount for the ticket. So when they found out there was more money that I kept (to cover business expenses at this event), they were greatly offended and accused me of being unfair. I had to explain to them there was nearly 2 weeks worth of work I did and they only helped one afternoon for a few hours. I was already being generous. They were still hurt, probably because they felt they helped me elsewhere (of their own free will) and felt entitled to more even if that wasn't the agreement (because this came up later before I broke things off completely). They made some demands, which I met because their friendship was valuable to me. But after that I never involved them again in business. It's not that I don't understand their perspective, but as soon as money got involved they handled the disagreement so bitterly, so personally, so aggressively. Eventually I realized the way these sisters dealt with disagreements and trespasses were so toxic, I cut off our friendships. I'm a lot more leery now who whom I do business with and with whom I emotionally invest as friends.

--

My mother always told me, never get into business with friends, because it can destroy friendships. There are some people that make great business partners, but maybe not good buddies. There are some people that make great buddies, but you should never do business with. Some people are great employees/helpers, but have no business being a partner. Also, it doesn't matter if it's family, your spouse, a trusted business owner, or your BFF -- always, always, always write up a detail contract so BOTH parties know what to expect. This isn't about distrust, it's about being professional, being clear about expectations, and keeping both sides honest. Also, always get paid before doing the actual work. These are just some things I've learn dealing with others in business.

It seems rather simple ... be honest with her. If she can handle it, she can handle it. If she can't, at least she can't based on what is true. It doesn't mean attack her ... but why not show her the opening post for example ? Seems rather straightforward. Your OP says it all.

Being honest with someone gives them choice. They may not like what is presented, but at least they have real choices. Otherwise, it's a relationship under false pretenses. Even if it's just a casual relationship, business relationship, whatever. The less false pretenses, the better. So maybe try being straight up.

znr-

There are people who are so self-centered that they believe anything they use in an attempt to 'get their own way' should be approved of. This includes using Scripture itself in order to accomplish purely selfish goals, which has occurred in this situation.

But Scripture is very clear in its instructing us that those who claim to be fellow believers must have their deeds corroborate their claims. If people are instead using the claim that they are fellow believers in order to take advantage of others, then those people are to be ostracized:

I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people - not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother, but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. (I Corinthians 5:9-11,NIV)

It appears that you have come in contact with someone who considers the term 'Christian' to be synonymous with the term 'sucker'. Usually this type of person will keep coming after you because her own ego will be telling her that you are vulnerable to her manipulations. You need to recognize that she is claiming to be a fellow Christian for no other reason than to more easily attain her selfish goals, and tell her to move on.

I'm afraid I might hurt her feelings (though, she may have it coming) but mostly I'm trying to avoid saying anything that might rope me into any discussion since resolution seems impossible since she doesn't seem to be in touch with her true motives in the first place.

Click to expand...

since this is business, maybe you could use your "business voice".

Click to expand...

There are people who are so self-centered that they believe anything they use in an attempt to 'get their own way' should be approved of.

Click to expand...

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Everyone comes from the standpoint that their premise is the right one. Approach, skill level, etc. Some people are more competitive than others. Some are truly convinced they are better than everyone else.

If she thinks of herself as a perfectionist, then she probably thinks of herself as righter and better than all the people she works with. If you had showed any vulnerability, she might have twisted that against you-- even when you were trying to be nice or generous. That gives them a little toehold where they can climb up higher.

The Christian method of turning a cheek is one consideration... and then also remember that Jesus turned tables and confronted Pharisees. So that gives you a little leeway.

Since she does not operate the same way you do, don't expect her to respond predictably. Yes, use your professional voice, and keep a harder shell while this blows over.

I know someone who always digs for dirt -- "You look like you're not feeling well" -- and then next time I see them, they seem to have inflated it into a melodrama "You always seem to have problems with your health." (I don't.)

If she is like this, then stay quiet about yourself as possible. In a work situation you don't usually have the flexibility to avoid people -- but if you can, do so. She sounds like she's crouching, awaiting her prey.

Psalms 10:8

They hide behind ordinary people, then pounce on their victims.


Some people would try to resolve it with a deep and meaningful conversation, but I have found it's often best to rise above it and not mention anything. Be more mature than she is, by being more professional and unflinching.

There will always be someone who wants to undermine your position.

hi znr, in situations like this I apply this verse:

Mat 7:12
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

and pray ask The Lord to help me figure out what is the right way to do, that will please Him. Speak truth, with mercy.

If she is a believer then I think you should reconsider brushing her off. "Love takes no account of a suffered wrong...." It is hard not to hold a grudge when we have been treated disrespectfully. The person becomes like an adversive stimuli and we don't want to get hurt. Nevertheless sometimes we just gotta deal with unpleasant people.

That doesn't mean you have to be best buds. Give her a little time, be pleasant, and just get occupied elsewhere. There are always phone calls one has to make, jobs one has to finish, in the case where she might just be trying to be deliberately offensive. (Don't know.) Praying for wisdom for you and peace.

Its really easy, dont play games hinting and stuff just say it how it is. If you dont clearly tell others what is going on and how it affects you they cant change their behaviour or understand yours. Not many people like confrontation but it is a very constructive activity if it is done correctly.

Why be polite?
If you want them away from you and out of your life be direct! Tell them exactly what you feel and in no uncertain terms.

It's easy.