Platonic bed sharing while married.

I still want to know what part of a platonic friendship can only happen in bed?

selfinflikted said:

I still want to know what part of a platonic friendship can only happen in bed?

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Being close to each other until you fall asleep and waking up together (the other person being there immediately by your side when you wake up), just to name the most obvious.
I´m a little clueless why the particularities and the beauty of this sort of closeness are so hard to fathom for most everyone here.

quatona said:

Being close to each other until you fall asleep and waking up together (the other person being there immediately by your side when you wake up), just to name the most obvious.

I'm a little clueless why the particularities and the beauty of this sort of closeness are so hard to fathom for most everyone here.

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I fail to see the need for a non-romantically involved couple to be close to each until they fall asleep and wake up together. Particularly when one of them is married to someone else.

quatona said:

Hi Kylissa, I am aware that you didn´t ask me but the original poster; besides, I have never been married but in committed partnerships. I´d like to respond - however, if my response is not welcome feel free to ignore it.

1. Even if everything I would get from another person were what I could get from my partner as well - when/if my partner isn´t here a need remains unfulfilled that a person who is there can fulfil.

2., and more importantly: Every person is different, every relationship/friendship between two persons is different from that between two other persons. So yes: other people than my committed partner/spouse can do different things for me than my partner/spouse; plus they can give me the same things but differently.


Personally, I wouldn´t know why only discussions are "more full" when I have them with different persons. Pretty much everything is different when you share it with different persons and get something back from them, i.e. "more full".



As for me: The romantic idea of partners being able to give everything to each other (and indeed this concept has never been around until romanticism) is a completely unrealistic one. For me, clinging to this idea is the red flag for a partnership/marriage.

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Your answer is not unwelcome. As long as no one is attacking another person, then I suppose all answers are welcome.

Hmmm .... well, other things can be "more full" as well. I guess it has to be on a case-by-case basis. I enjoy having other couples over for dinner, chats, games. I enjoy going to the lake, sports, and such things with a couple of families. And there are certain things I do with my girlfriends - things we share an interest in that my husband would be bored doing with me.

However, and this may just be a difference between me and you/the OP, I am very cautious about the idea of sharing too much or developing too great a level of intimacy with the opposite sex. I simply see it as unwise, and potentially disrespectful to my husband. I would feel the same way about him having that kind of relationship with a woman.

I have male friends, but I tend to chat with them or whatever the case may be with my husband present, or with their wives present, at least most of the time. It's not that I won't talk with them if neither spouse is there, but ... I just see it as an area to be careful. I don't cultivate intimate friendships with the opposite sex apart from my husband.

I don't look to my husband to be EVERYthing to me, nor do I place all my happiness in him. I think expecting any person to fulfill all your expectations, to be everything to you, or to "make you happy" is unhealthy, as well as putting too much pressure on the other person. I have my Lord, my family, my daughter, my friends, etc.

But I believe marriage to be the relationship that should be at the center of our human relationships, more important than all the others, and to me cultivating this kind of intimacy outside of marriage with someone of the opposite sex risks damage to that primary relationship.

Thanks for explaining. It seems we just have very different views on this. I can understand your words, but I guess we just see it differently. I appreciate you explaining though.

Hetta said:

I fail to see the need for a non-romantically involved couple to be close to each until they fall asleep and wake up together. Particularly when one of them is married to someone else.

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Exactly, this.

Hetta said:

I fail to see the need for a non-romantically involved couple to be close to each until they fall asleep and wake up together.

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Well, I didn´t answer (and didn´t mean to answer) to the question:
"Is there a need for two persons to...?"
I answered and meant to answer to the question:
"I still want to know what part of a platonic friendship can only happen in bed?"

On another note, I always find it curious when people start establishing
"Is there a need to do this?" as the determining question for deciding whether something is intelligible, reasonable, acceptable, justifiable. This bar is incredibly high, and I guess 95% of the things I occupy myself with are - thankfully - not due to there being a need to do them. I just want to do them, I like to do them, I enjoy doing them.

selfinflikted said:

Exactly, this.

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See my response to Hedda. I meant to answer your question, not to defend that there is a need to do this.

People (hopefully) do a lot of things for which there is no need - but nobody seems to argue against things from the position that if there´s no need to do them there´s something wrong with doing them.

So I am not quite understanding why you introduce this ciriterium only with one (or few) selected issues.

See my response to Hedda

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HETTA. I'm French not German.

Me too! (in response to the weirdness of this thread)

Hetta said:

I fail to see the need for a non-romantically involved couple to be close to each until they fall asleep and wake up together. Particularly when one of them is married to someone else.

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Exactly this!!!!!!

quatona said:

Being close to each other until you fall asleep and waking up together (the other person being there immediately by your side when you wake up), just to name the most obvious.
I´m a little clueless why the particularities and the beauty of this sort of closeness are so hard to fathom for most everyone here.

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Because that's a romantic experience. If that desire isn't being satisfied by your spouse, then there's a problem.

Hetta said:

HETTA. I'm French not German.

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Sorry!

Cearbhall said:

Because that's a romantic experience. If that desire isn't being satisfied by your spouse, then there's a problem.

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It doesn´t mean that it isn´t satisfied, though.
I don´t think that every aspect and every sort of what you call "romantic experiences" (in my opinion that´s a very loose use of the word "romantic" - not every kind of closeness is necessarily romantic) can be satisfied by your spouse. In any case, it´s different with each different person.
Now, everyone is free to feel a moral imperative to abstain from having such experiences with someone else, and to leave certain experiences unmade - for whatever reason. But that wasn´t the question to which I answered.

That doesn´t mean, though, that there aren´t any non-sexual valuable experiences to be had with different persons, in a bed or elsewhere.
And the fact that your spouse isn´t someone else than your spouse isn´t a problem, in my book.

Cearbhall said:

Because that's a romantic experience. If that desire isn't being satisfied by your spouse, then there's a problem.

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^^ agreed.

quatona said:

Now, everyone is free to feel a moral imperative to abstain from having such experiences with someone else, and to leave certain experiences unmade - for whatever reason. But that wasn´t the question to which I answered.

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No, I couldn't care less if the wife has given her permission. It seems moral enough to me. I just don't understand why it would be done in a closed marriage.

That doesn´t mean, though, that there aren´t any non-sexual valuable experiences to be had with different persons, in a bed or elsewhere.
And the fact that your spouse isn´t someone else than your spouse isn´t a problem, in my book.

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As you don't have the 'married' icon, I suspect that the fact that you don't have a spouse probably colors your opinion.

IMO, as a married woman, if a person is either married or has a SO in a 'closed' marriage or relationship (as cearbhall puts it) then it is a problem if your SO is "looking for experiences with different persons, in a bed or elsewhere."

Hetta said:

As you don't have the 'married' icon, I suspect that the fact that you don't have a spouse probably colors your opinion.

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Sure, just like the fact that you are married colours your opinion. So I´m not sure how that´s relevant.
I have been in committed relationships, and the marriage license doesn´t make that much of a difference.

IMO, as a married woman, if a person is either married or has a SO in a 'closed' marriage or relationship (as cearbhall puts it) then it is a problem if your SO is "looking for experiences with different persons, in a bed or elsewhere."

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Well, that´s between you and your SO.
However, if you want to go beyond that and claim it to be a problem per se, I´d expect you to do more than just say "it´s a problem".

Besides, if I have a problem with something that doesn´t necessarily mean that there´s something wrong with it. It may just point to the fact that I am not mature enough to handle it.

Cearbhall said:

No, I couldn't care less if the wife has given her permission. It seems moral enough to me. I just don't understand why it would be done in a closed marriage.

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Well, I felt I had explained it and given examples.
And in return I only got replies that pointed out how the SO should be able to cover all the needs, how two people who allow each other such experiences have a problem, etc.

Fact is that in every area there are countless guys who can do things better than I can. Thus, if my partner feels that experiencing someone else´s approach than mine is fulfilling I find that completely logical and understandable. It may hurt to be shown that I am not the one-and-only she needs and who can do everything best, that I am not all that my partner needs - but nonetheless it´s not really a surprise.

Besides, if I have a problem with something that doesn´t necessarily mean that there´s something wrong with it. It may just point to the fact that I am not mature enough to handle it.

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Ah, so if a person doesn't want to "handle" their SO spending time in bed with another person, they're immature. Got it.

quatona said:

Well, I felt I had explained it and given examples.
And in return I only got replies that pointed out how the SO should be able to cover all the needs, how two people who allow each other such experiences have a problem, etc.

Fact is that in every area there are countless guys who can do things better than I can. Thus, if my partner feels that experiencing someone else´s approach than mine is fulfilling I find that completely logical and understandable. It may hurt to be shown that I am not the one-and-only she needs and who can do everything best, that I am not all that my partner needs - but nonetheless it´s not really a surprise.

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Maybe I'm just being dense here, but I simply don't understand what kind of platonic friendship virtually requires sleeping together and cuddling? Why not just marry the platonic friend and be done with it?