Should I just have sex with my boyfriend?

Harsh... hey little sister. Bet you wish you hadn't opened this topic now ha?

Truth of the matter is there's many here that would like to tell you to fly into the arms of you love. You could write a poem about it afterwards and it will all be fantastic. It might even happen in a bed of roses and soft silky blankets.

Wouldn't that be great?

Truth is, there's this funny thing that happens in the dynamic of a relationship in the post sex era. It happens almost as soon as the man "finishes."
At this age, it's like you're a mountain, and he has climbed you. His long track is done. An immediately from that point the relationship is on the path downhill.

For you he'll be your first sexual love, the man who has satisfied those deep urges you had, you'll be head over heels. Following him around like a puppy.
He'll know has you completely and utterly and the thrill of the chase will be lost. Gradually you'll begin to annoy him more and more. And in the end he'll probably do something stupid like meet up with one of your friends.

Noo noo I hear you scream, that's not my Brad, he loves me, he would never do that to me...

Yeh right!

Now it's rather unfortunate the way this topic has transpired. This is a very delicate issue and should have been handled after a particular fashion. Now the best we can do is a rather messy clean up operation.

Football sigh... I can't attack the truth of what you said.
But...
This the mortal sin stuff. Mortal and venial sins are a R Catholic dogma btw little sister.
The way you've phrased this is very dangerous. Unless she read that very carefully she might think if she decided to have sex there's no way back from this that she's somehow condemned forever.
Yes I know that's not what you said but it requires a very careful reading to understand that. Brother try to be a careful when you throw phrases like eternal hell around.

We can't tell you what to do little sister. Many of us didn't have the enormously difficult task of being a true Christian and a teenager. I applaud you little sister for having made it this far. It shows you are indeed a true Christian struggling to do what is right.

My advise to you, is try to give this gift to your husband on your wedding night (who most likely will not be "Brad"). But whatever you choose to do, you keep believing on Christ and your salvation in him.

Good luck and God bless...

JessicaTheChristianGirl said:

I know everyone here is most likely going to say no don't do it, but I just really need some advice right now on how to handle this. I originally thought it was a sin to have premarital sex. I've always been a really good "Good Girl" in the past, but I'm starting to fall and mess up a bit and I'm 24 years old now. I don't think I can wait any longer. My body is aching with sexual urges and it aches really bad. My boyfriend isn't even financially stable enough at the moment for marriage and maybe not even for the next couple of years, but I really love him. He's the best guy I've ever been with compared to all of the other guys. I get turned on by him so easily. If he says something or he's looking all cute at the moment or even just the way he acts. Even if I were to just sit by him or hold his hand. It's so easy to get me started. So what am I am going to do? I already go to church a lot. I try to focus on other things, but it just doesn't seem to help. These urges only get stronger as I age. I get very depressing feelings when I get these urges when I'm trying to fight them. I feel like I'm going to explode or have a panic attack. I keep telling God I'm sorry and to please forgive me if I ever do something wrong. I've tried to be so perfect in just everything my entire life, but it's just not going the way I wanted it. It's all went down hill. If there's any medication to make my sex drive lower then please let me know. My doctor says there isn't any medicine and that it's just natural to get like this, but there's just gotta be something I could take for this. There's just gotta be or should I just go ahead and have sex with him?

Plus I know that in the ten commandments it says not to commit adultery, but adultery is just when you cheat on your spouse which I would never do whenever I get married sometime in the future. It also uses the word fornication in other parts of the Bible and says that fornicators will not inherit the kingdom of God. Is that part really stating that you shouldn't have sex before marriage? I just don't understand it anymore. I used to think that I did before I started getting these very strong sexual urges.

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I get it. I am 38, i Have had sex, so i know what i'm missing. More so than you do. But here's the thing you are Forgetting, or perhaps just have never experienced.

Regret.

You are about to explode, can't stand it, etc etc... and because of this you are allowing your beliefs to be challenged. But guess what? You give in, you have sex. At first you're elated. You finally got it out of your system. So much better right? Wrong, because the next thought to follow is 'wait, why did i just do that?'. Those beliefs you are questioning now will come flooding back to you and you will realize this is what you still believe, but your desires clouded your judgment. You live in a state of guilt, especially a sin like loosing your virginity. Because its something you can Never get back. You do it once and its gone. Period. Sure, you can decide to stop having sex, but that doesn't change what you've already done. And you will live the rest of your life with that feeling. And you will take it into your marriage.
Also, once you have sex, its addictive. Its supposed to be. To keep couples together. You will continue having sex, even once you own up to the wrongness of it once again. Which will only fuel your guilt and regret.

I promise you, from personal experience, the weight of desire pales in comparison to the weight of guilt and regret. And all of this doubting whats right and wrong will go away and you will realize you were right in believing sex was wrong and that will make your guilt and regret that much worse, because you will wonder how you could have ever doubt it to begin with.

A right way to handle it? Let me know if you find out. I have, so far, not found that myself.

So much great insight on this thread, please do keep it in mind.

I know someone who had sex with her boyfriend. She had a baby and raised it alone.

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I'll bet most of us could name a dozen people who went through that.
Sex is an act of procreation. You can imagine you won't be one of the statistics, but biology does not favor the deserving. Things just happen the way they were designed to happen.

make sure you are compatible in non-sexual ways.

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True. A lot of couples spend their time together making out, and that just makes self-control more difficult.

Marriage is signing on to everything. It could change every hour of your day, if both people are unable to find work outside, and are cooped up together.

I noticed your thread from last spring, that there was a guy who wasn't ready for a relationship. Was that the same guy? If so, it doesn't sound like someone who will wade through pirhana-infested waters for you.

It is very common for a guy to pressure a girl to have sex, even in subtle ways like "why not?" that we overreact to. Genesis says the woman will want to please the man -- part of the curse, that we can't always keep our heads on straight when we want to make sure they still like us.

Think of the law as protective. If you gave in, had a baby, lost the man or tried to raise the baby without a roof over your heads.... that would not be fair to the baby.
Or to you. Or to the man. The whole situation is not ideal.
The law recognizes that sex--> new life. It reminds you that you don't count on beating the odds; you work within the probabilities.

So having a law to give you a flat "no" is like your parents saying "you can't smoke," and that knowledge protecting you from a lifetime struggle with breathing and lung cancer. The law was not meant to stifle, but to free you.

You could just say "I can't" and keep it at that. When we start to debate the law or rationalize our way out of things, then we put ourselves into an emotional up/down situation that wears us out. We don't really have the strength to keep deciding.

If you saw a 40-foot ice cream sundae that you wanted to eat, your mind would say "I want that!" while also saying "It's ridiculous to consider." If you give in a little, it will be hard to know at what point is harmful to you. Because you have allowed the "I want" side of you to make the decisions.

I would pray that God would help you avoid the temptation, and think a long time about this decision. It will have impacts on you that you can't even fathom right now. When a woman gives a man her most intimate embrace, she is putting her heart and trust on the line. I would advise waiting until marriage. Make sure this man is ready to give his heart to you as you are him. You can avoid situations where sexual urges arise. It won't be easy but it is possible.

You may think that you can't live without having sex with your boyfriend, or can't control it, but giving in now will have lifelong consequences. Others in this thread have already mentioned the regret.

Is it worth trading one night of "relief" for a lifetime of regret?

And once the first night is over, you will want it again. You've already done it once, why not just do it some more? Then it becomes a pattern.

I think you and your boyfriend need to be very careful, and if you're having very strong urges that you can't seem to control, then you need to be in public areas, not be in private together etc. Whatever it takes to protect yourself.

I would pray, and think a long time about this decision.

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I might be misunderstanding what the poster meant (and if so, I apologize, but my point is that others may too).

I would be very, very careful of ever praying in the hope of getting input from God on making a decision when you already know what you are praying about is going against His will and principles.

Doing so can open the door to disaster.

If you already KNOW something is wrong, don't ever pray to "ask" about it.

Certainly, yes, pray for wisdom, control, strength, guidance, and anything else that can help you.

But I would advise against asking God "permission" when you already know something is wrong.

Sorry for jumping in with that, and strongly, but it's not something I ever hear talked about, but it can be dangerous.

(And again, apologies to the person I quoted, if that wasn't what you meant, I was just afraid someone reading might take it that way.)

Kylissa said:

I might be misunderstanding what the poster meant (and if so, I apologize, but my point is that others may too).

I would be very, very careful of ever praying in the hope of getting input from God on making a decision when you already know what you are praying about is going against His will and principles.

Doing so can open the door to disaster.

If you already KNOW something is wrong, don't ever pray to "ask" about it.

Certainly, yes, pray for wisdom, control, strength, guidance, and anything else that can help you.

But I would advise against asking God "permission" when you already know something is wrong.

Sorry for jumping in with that, and strongly, but it's not something I ever hear talked about, but it can be dangerous.

(And again, apologies to the person I quoted, if that wasn't what you meant, I was just afraid someone reading might take it that way.)

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Thank you for pointing that out. I elaborated on what I meant. I knew what I was thinking in my head just didn't type it clear enough.

Kylissa said:

I might be misunderstanding what the poster meant (and if so, I apologize, but my point is that others may too).

I would be very, very careful of ever praying in the hope of getting input from God on making a decision when you already know what you are praying about is going against His will and principles.

Doing so can open the door to disaster.

If you already KNOW something is wrong, don't ever pray to "ask" about it.

Certainly, yes, pray for wisdom, control, strength, guidance, and anything else that can help you.

But I would advise against asking God "permission" when you already know something is wrong.

Sorry for jumping in with that, and strongly, but it's not something I ever hear talked about, but it can be dangerous.

(And again, apologies to the person I quoted, if that wasn't what you meant, I was just afraid someone reading might take it that way.)

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Good point.

My own experience is that God doesn't bother to re-answer a question that I already know His answer to.

I have been where you are before and now how strong the sexual urges can be. Since it seems that people have already given you spiritual information, I'll give you some practical advice.

First thing you could do if really desperate not to do this is to avoid being alone with your boyfriend or just spend some time apart so that the urges don't consume you. I know right know you probably think this is something that you cannot control and it is something you just really want to do. I understand this, I know how strong sexual desire can be. Usually when I am driven in such a way I often find it best to avoid anything that could trigger my in to temptation in this case I might suggest, again, not to be in close quarters with your boyfriend. I know that may seem harsh, but waiting till marriage, no matter how hard it is, is the right thing to do.

Believe me I understand what it is like to burn with such a desire, but you must not let it rule you into a mistake. Trust me, wait until you are married and prepared when you can handle sex. I know the desire is strong but God is stronger than any desire. If you ask him for help he can help you.

JessicaTheChristianGirl said:

Plus I would love my husband so much that I would never wanna be unfaithful to him and I'd probably tell him right away about this urge I was getting for someone if it kept continuing. I would tell him that I was having a really hard time. That's if it got out of hand. That's one thing I've always been is honest. Especially with the ones that I love.

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Some nice thoughts on this thread, especially Max Shade's.

Jessica, what was missing in your exposition was the mindset of your boyfriend. We know you love him deeply. We know you feel you can't remain chaste much longer. We know you have a high view of faithfulness in marriage. And we know you two don't have a lot of money right now.

How does HE feel about all this? The answer to that question will largely determine what you should do. If he also takes a high view of marriage and is equally in love with you, it might be best to take Paul's advice in 1Cor 7: It is better to marry than to burn (with desire). You're certainly of age. And two can live more cheaply together than alone (though two plus a baby DEFINITELY can't).

You need to talk this out, in depth, with your boyfriend. This is big league stuff now. Serious lifelong consequences hang in the balance.

On the admonitory side, I can tell you this. If you do go to bed without benefit of covenant, you very well may be surprised to find that trust in the relationship will take a major hit. It may not be manifest for a while, but because you two will not have honored the union itself above personal desires, the time may come when, with pressure, one of your will no longer be sure of the other.

JessicaTheChristianGirl said:

Plus I would love my husband so much that I would never wanna be unfaithful to him and I'd probably tell him right away about this urge I was getting for someone if it kept continuing. I would tell him that I was having a really hard time. That's if it got out of hand. That's one thing I've always been is honest. Especially with the ones that I love.

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Some nice thoughts on this thread, especially Max Shade's.

Jessica, what was missing in your exposition was the mindset of your boyfriend. We know you love him deeply. We know you feel you can't remain chaste much longer. We know you have a high view of faithfulness in marriage. And we know you two don't have a lot of money right now.

How does HE feel about all this? The answer to that question will largely determine what you should do. If he also takes a high view of marriage and is equally in love with you, it might be best to take Paul's advice in 1Cor 7: It is better to marry than to burn (with desire). You're certainly of age. And two can live more cheaply together than alone (though two plus a baby DEFINITELY can't).

You need to talk this out, in depth, with your boyfriend. This is big league stuff now. Serious lifelong consequences hang in the balance.

On the admonitory side, I can tell you this. If you do go to bed without benefit of covenant, you very well may be surprised to find that trust in the relationship will take a major hit. It may not be manifest for a while, but because you two will not have honored the union itself above personal desires, the time may come when, with pressure, one of your will no longer be sure of the other.

1 Thessalonians 4:3

English Standard Version (ESV)

3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification:[a] that you abstain from sexual immorality;

JessicaTheChristianGirl said:

Should I just have sex with my boyfriend?

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Nope. Never.

Check your PM inbox when you get a chance

As someone who struggles with fornication, once you have sex, it's much harder to quit.

Why do you think your circumstances somehow negate the command against fornication? More practically speaking, why would you have sex with someone who you know will not be able to financially support you if you get pregnant?

It's hard right now, but learning self-control is a greater gift.
Whatever you decide to do, know this: Acting upon your urges won't make things better.

JessicaTheChristianGirl said:

Plus I would love my husband so much that I would never wanna be unfaithful to him and I'd probably tell him right away about this urge I was getting for someone if it kept continuing. I would tell him that I was having a really hard time. That's if it got out of hand. That's one thing I've always been is honest. Especially with the ones that I love.

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To be honest money does not matter when it comes to marriage. That is a false workdy view. If a man loves a woman they marry it can be done without much money and you don't need to be set up.

JessicaTheChristianGirl said:

That verse doesn't really make much sense to me as of how it has anything to do with premarital sex being a sin.

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Saint Paul said, because of immortalities, it would be best for the person to marry. He is speaking about sexual immoralities and sexual desires. Saint Paul said it would be great if everyone was chaste like him, but this route isn't for everybody and it would be better to marry and avoid sexual immorality which means marriage removes this this immorality. If you were allowed to have sex before that point and it wouldn't be a sin then Saint Paul wouldn't say that you should marry, he would say give in to your desires.

harvester77 said:

To be honest money does not matter when it comes to marriage. That is a false workdy view. If a man loves a woman they marry it can be done without much money and you don't need to be set up.

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Okay, I wasn't going to contribute here, but money does matter. Here in Germany, it costs money to get married in a registry office - not a lot when both have the German citizenship, but a lot (500 Euros I think) if one partner doesn't have the German citizenship - a problem I once faced, especially if one partner considers taking on another partner's citizenship. Aside from that, I do see a bit of a problem with getting quickly and quietly married in a registry office because it is then more a situation of "We have to" than "We want to openly show that we love each other and that we want to stay together for the rest of our lives, for better or for worse." Doesn't mean it has to be a huge, expensive marriage with a 2,000 Dollar dress for the bride and 300 guests, but even small weddings, if you want to invite guests and actually celebrate the union) are expensive.

It's hard to give advice here. If it's just urges you want to give in to, I'd say wait and try to find a way to deal with these urges. Also, it might be worth doing some research into how much getting married would really cost you, if money is all that is keeping you.