How do I stop my toddler from being so spoiled?

Sorry, but I don't understand what the problem is. You used a lot of negative speech to describe your poor child. I don't see how being hungry before bed, if dinner was not eaten, is a sign that he's being spoiled. I am curious about a couple of things:

1. What does he like to eat for dinner, and can some compromises be made so that he can learn to be a part of the family dinner table and be expected to eat what is prepared, without being an ogre who makes him eat things he cannot stand?

2. What sort of snacks before bed are we talking about here? If they're things he really likes (like junk food), then I don't blame him for passing on dinner and going straight for the snack before bed.

One thing I read, that I thought was really cool, was the parents made snack time a part of the bedtime routine. This particular family let their kids have a healthy snack (like a cheese stick or apple slices) in the tub while they were getting their bath.

Give the boy some credit. He is old enough to know what hunger feels like. If he's skipping dinner, he's probably legitimately hungry come bedtime. I wouldn't make it a huge deal, because fights over food can set a really bad precedent for children that may lead to disordered eating habits once they're older.

we got into a bad habit of giving into one of our kids on this issue and in no way does it mean hes spoiled it just means that we just didnt want to listen to the whining and crying. we made it very clear dinner time is dinner time yes he still got a snack before bed apple slices or cheese or crackers and warm milk, but dinner time was over, bed no questions asked we stuck to our guns and guess what dinner is eaten at dinner. one night with out dinner will not starve them and it is not abuse if you place food in front of them and they choose not eat it when its available. we no longer have the issue of wanting dinner at bed time as much any more. candy at bed time is very unhealthy and will support later eating habits that will make for an obese and or sick child. if i always got candy even though i didnt eat my dinner i wouldnt eat my dinner just to save room for candy and sweets. but guess what my mom wouldnt hear of it. my mom actually would make us eat the dinner we didnt eat for breakfast the next day or for lunch if we didnt eat it for breakfast. we quickly got the hint we better eat or else we went hungry.

I agree with Super Mom. Also (if you haven't done this already), give him a sibling that he'll have to share Mom & Dad with. Right now, he probably sees your devotion to him as a means to controlling his environment. With a sibling, he will begin to see that his interests are part of a community of interests and begin to move away from self-centeredness.

having another baby is not the answer... being consistant and standing firm is the answer nad feeding healthy meals and snacks and hey if he doesnt eat dinner at dinner time then when snack time rolls around give him what he did not eat for dinner instead of a chocolate bar, giving him sweets is rewarding his negative behavior

It's time to tell him that snacks before bedtime are to be healthy...fruit, vegetables, cheese (or yogurt or hummus) . Tell him that because he is three going on four and a big boy, he needs to understand that his snacks should be healthy, to keep him growing strong. Sweets such as you described him picking out are not only never the things that should be snacks, but are counter-productive in the long run...sugar will cause more wakefulness than is good for him, and more wild dreams when he does sleep. Children should be taught that snacking should be healthy, or else you'll end up with a teen or a man who goes to the vending machine all the time at school or work, feeling crashy after a candy bar, and going for another...and ending up with all sorts of physical problems because of it. You can keep the same plan you have for letting your little guy choose a fruit or a cheese or (insert healthy food here) for his snacks, but it's time to be a parent, not a friend, here. There are many, many children's books out there about healthy snacking, and the consequences of too much junk food. Start reading some, and asking your son for feedback...what does he think are healthy foods? Once he's latched onto this, go with it in the grocery store: Give him his own little list of things that are healthy to choose from. I'm not saying never to give him sweets, but it's time to rein him in: sweets should be part of dinner...desserts. They should not be eaten until he's eaten at least one bite of everything on his plate...don't make a huge clean plate rule, but tell him calmly that he needs to eat fruit, veggies, protein and healthy grains or starch at each meal to remain strong and healthy. You can intersperse sweets like ice cream with yogurt and berry parfaits for dessert also, decreasing the amount of sweets he's getting. Be firm about no sweets as snacks, and he'll soon accept it and understand. DO explain to him which foods do what (milk and cheese make strong bones, etc.). Pre-schoolers need those explanations to make sense of the world. Remember, sugary snacks cannot walk into your house by magic...adults have to bring them. A three year old cannot tell the difference between one food and another, in regards to nutrition. They rely on adults to protect them by making wise choices, and since they can't tell the difference, the issue becomes one of "WHY can't I have this? YOU bought it for me, and I like it better than my dinner!" Do some retraining!

Other things to consider: Do you give your child portions that are too large for him at the table? Start by using a small portion of everything, and when that's gone, add more if requested. Also, does he get his afternoon snack as too large or two close to dinner? Does he hover about while dinner is being prepared, asking for little bits to eat and then not being hungry later? Do you eat dinner with the TV on, which can mesmerize little (and not so little) people? Is dinner served at roughly the same time each day, give or take 1/2 hour? With little people, meal schedules are as important as bedtime. If the child is eating at 5 pm one evening, and 7 pm the next, his body isn't on an even keel, and it feels like jet lag to him. Do you talk to him at the dinner table, or talk over him? Involve him in conversation, and he won't feel as bored and wanting to slip away from the table to go back to his toys. Just some things to ponder.

Overall, train him to expect healthy snacks, and not his favourite sweets, and he'll probably drift back to eating dinner on time with the family.

Oh...and to address the other issues...being spoiled and self-centred generally, re-examine how you teach things to him. Are you looking for ways to help others as a family? (ex: if someone is in hospital or ill, does he visit them with you after making a get-well card to cheer them up? If someone has had a new baby, does he help you make a meal to take to the house to help the new mom? (yep, I get that he's three, but three years old is quite capable of stirring batter, or measuring blueberries or such for muffins, and they LOVE the empowering feeling of helping!). Do you say "Mr. Smith lost his job and feels badly about things...how can we help and cheer him up?" When he gets new toys, do you tell him he's blessed, and ask him to make room for the new toys by donating his "baby" toys and clothes to bless other children who have none?)

Teach your little one to have a servant's heart by always looking for ways to help. You might think what you already do is obvious, but you can teach a child in everything you do or say.

We had a daughter that we had awful problems with in eating - took her to the doctor and he said don't give in to her or you will have a forever problem. He said don't worry, he never saw a child starve itself to death.

A lot is for attention. Ours was so bad that the doctor told us not to even make a point of it. He said when we set the table just don't put a place for her and when she asks, you say - well you don't want to eat, so no use setting a place. She was older so the doctor said when she finally wants something to eat, have her fix it herself. But don't give in on the snacks unless they eat their dinner.

This was a rough week - she even told her teacher that we would not feed her and they were going to call in the child welfare because they believed her. After we sat down to eat without a place for her - after a week she went and got her plate and sat down with us - no more problems. It is rough to do - but it needs to be a firm hand and do not give in. Of course she was older, but the object is the same - eat at mealtime or do without. This is a big attention getter.

From the time my kids were old enough to join the table, they had 2 choices for dinner..."take it or leave it". Breakfast and lunch were a little more open, but dinner wasn't. They never starved. We had a firm routine, breakfast at 8, lunch at noon, snack at 3, dinner at 6. Then there was family time, night prayers, baths and bed.

Your child is 3, almost 4? We started training at about 2, or once they were essentially out of the high chair. If they were still small enough to need the high chair, they usually got finger foods or baby food...which was different than what everyone else ate. By this age, they should learn the meaning of "eat or starve". You join the family at table, you learn manners, end of discussion. Screaming and crying get one of 2 things...a swift swat on the backside and straight to bed, or sitting at table until they learn manners. There is no way I'd put up with that behavior.

I have a problem with the "eat it, or go hungry" approach. Granted, I'm not suggesting being a short order cook for a picky eater, but I think food is a lot like potty training, in that if you make it a negative thing it can really mess your child up as an adult. My grandmother was very uptight about dinner and would make things that my mother literally hated, to the point of nearly vomiting at the dinner table. My grandmother would make her sit with her dinner plate at the kitchen table until she would eat everything. If come morning the plate was still full, my mother would not be allowed to eat that day. As an adult, my mother has struggled with anorexia because of this unhealthy relationship with food that developed as a child when dinner became a disciplinary issue.

Why is it fair to make a child eat something they hate? As parents, we prepare foods we know we like. Wives oftentimes prepare meals based around what their husbands prefer without giving the children's appetite a second thought, and then we punish them for being less than pleased with their choices. I'm not saying let them act like a heathen at the table or let them decide they're going to eat pizza and candy every night, because most kids would totally take advantage of that. But to me it seems unfair to create negative feelings toward food, that oftentimes carry over into the later years, when the parents have essentially created a dinner situation that sets the child up for failure.

I think what you misunderstood is that I did not make meals that the children wouldn't eat. For years, their favorite meal was something they dubbed "rice mess". Rice, chicken or beef, and veggies in one pot. Cheap, filling and reasonably healthy. They would have this with maybe some fruit for dessert. If a toddler/pre-schooler was feeling particularly froggy, they'd refuse to eat. I knew they liked it, they ate it 3 times a week at least (this was in the days when we were feeding 4-6 kids on lower enlisted pay), but they'd refuse to eat...OK...you can eat or you can starve. Moms of many do not make gourmet meals or use "strange" ingredients. We go for cheap, nutritious and filling. The child had two choices, eat and get to stay at the table or go to bed. If they chose to pitch a fit, they got a swat on the behind and put to bed. This was when they were roughly 2 and a half to 5. They didn't miss many meals. I didn't put it in front of them for breakfast...that's just gross.

None of the children have negative feelings towards food, especially anything coming out of mom's kitchen...as a matter of fact, there's 4 of the younger ones, a few of the older ones and their kids outside splashing in the pool now. One is at some church event w/his girlfriend, and the rest are doing their own thing. I think one or two might be working which is why they aren't here.

There's a reason my grocery bill still looks a lot like the national debt. I'm feeding upwards of 15 people every weekend! And, yes, occasionally (usually when it cools off) the kids ask me to make them "rice mess". I think tonight will be a buffet taco/burrito night. I think I have enough tortillas for the crew.

Our usual dinners looked like this:
"Rice mess" - 2 or 3 nights
Taco/burrito - one night
pork chops/mashed potatos/corn - weekend during the winter
Grilled cheese/tomato soup - winter dinner
country fried steak/rice/veggie
spaghetti
lasagna
Burgers/dogs
and I forget all the rest of it...so no gourmet meals...nothing that anyone had "issues" with...just an occasional refusal to eat. Each child only did it once or twice and the real littles never did it...it was usually the girls who'd do it, my boys are chow hounds.

So, "eat or starve" has its place. If done right, it works well. We also did not put up with acting up at the table. The children learned table manners, we looked for age-appropriate behavior, and as they got older, the expectations changed.

Oh and potty training...I didn't. Each child decided to start using the potty when they were good and ready, anywhere between not quite two and pushing 4.

It sounds a bit like a power struggle. He's trying to assert his independence. On one hand that's a good thing, but on the other its enough to make you want to scream! So, the "eat or starve" might be the approach to take. Make it VERY CLEAR that if he doesn't eat dinner, he does not getting a snack. Snack should be something nutritious like fruit. Nothing sugary, no chocolate, no ice cream.
He needs to learn that there are limits, and that's one of them.

The kid just doesn't want to go to bed. Bedtime is boring. Whatever might convince you to let him stay up is fair game.

If you ignore the requests for food, he'll come up with something else. Bedtime stories, additional hugs, more prayers... you name it, anything is better than bedtime. So just say no, be loving, and be firm.

Skipping a meal won't make him starve. He'll eat breakfast soon enough. If he's honestly hungry, he'll figure out his hunger cycles soon enough, and start eating food when it's offered. A snack before bed is fine if dinner is served early, but serve it on your own terms before he goes to bed, and not because he begs for it after he's tucked in. And make sure he brushes his teeth after the final meal.

Dude really? At four years old you are already saying all of this negativity about him? What does that say about you?

It could be very likely that he just isn't hungry at your chosen dinner time. Either give him a smaller breakfast and lunch or accept it and nuke dinner a bit later. Do you eat dinner when you aren't hungry? I know I don't.

At his age, his stomach is going to communicate more strongly to him than your set times will and really, is this a hill to die on? [staff edit]

i know for my kids thye know that if dinner time is dinner time we have less struggles to eat dinner at dinner time and not at bed time. its not healthy for anyone to eat right before going to bed it can cause unhealthy weight gain as your body is resting it cant burn the fat so it stores it. my now 9 yro has lost this power struggle with me he now eats at dinner time or not at all. kids will not starve them selves to death they will eat. my 9 yor has to take meds for sleep now but its totaly unrelated to eating its another issue that we are trying to get to the bottom of it. i do not ive my kids sweets after dinner no dessert even except on weekends only milk or water after dinner they didnt like these chages at first but when they realized that they ot better sleep cause of the changes they fought it less as well as they also realized im boss they arent. you are the parent you have to implement the changes you want to see or its just going to continue the way it is now and the kid is going to get worse and get in trouble serious trouble later in life kids crave structure n routine