So this is kind of a last ditch effort. I was an on fire christian. I'd seen what I believe to be miracles. I've been prophesied over and given a promise from God twice, six years apart, in the exact same words 400 miles from each other from complete strangers. I've felt overwhelming peace and taken great leaps of faith. So it seems strange that I've gotten to this place where I don't believe at all. My normal state of mind is an agnostic at best, and atheist at worst. Almost three years ago now, my wife of six years cheated on me and left me. We reconciled by the time I went to Afghanistan, but she left me for good when I was there. And every day since I've gotten back (about 2 years ago) I've stopped hearing from God completely. To the point where I feel like maybe I never did. Maybe all those "miracles" were just amazing coincidences. I fell into sin. Drank a lot more. Slept with few people. I eventually stopped going to church. I'm invisible there at best and an eyesore at worst. I have a heart of depressed laziness that I haven't been able to shake my entire life. It has ruined me, and the fact that I haven't been able to change it after so many decades no matter the amount of prayer has convinced me that I can't change. I've been suicidal before, loaded weapon with safety off, racked, pointed at my chest, finger slowly squeezing the trigger, but it was a small amount of undying faith that has kept me from following through. Now a days when I sit on that ledge with a noose around my neck its merely the idea of giving a few people I care about the pain I felt of loss through divorce that keeps me from that last wiggle off the edge. I've been browsing atheist websites and forums and finding myself gravitating to that idea lately. I fear the only thing keeping me from going all in as an atheist is that I can't walk away from that promise. It seemed just too coincidental. I'm sure though that time will eventually wear away at that hope as well and I'll stop believing all together. I went to Japan and that's where I started dating again... Mostly an atheistic society; however, I've happen to date someone who is curious about Christianity, she teaches at a Christian kindergarten in Tokyo and when to a all girls college that has a Christian background. She isn't a Christian but could become one and I really feel what path I take will affect that. I'm tired of being where I am. I'm currently unemployed even though I used to have a great job, I'm doing poorly now that I've returned to school, due to my depression and laziness, I'm stuck alone in the house where my wife left me fifty miles from my nearest friends, constantly pushing to find a way out of here to Tokyo. Desperately wanting new scenery I apply for jobs there every day. I still have dreams, still want to help other people, but I'm just not sure if Christianity will be a factor in that anymore.
I think I've lost my faith
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ThyLovingkindness
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I wonder if maybe as a vet you might be experiencing things you need help with. I understand that divorce really zapped you too, however. Praying for you!
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I don't know if you've tried this but get down on your knees and ask the Lord to bless your ex wife. Unforgiveness can block your relationship with God. Also please get counseling. We all need help from time to time. May the Lord bless you.
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Sometimes we all have some questions. Ask God to show you who He is in your life...go to Him with all this and let Him show you His love for you and that He will always be there for you.
Please don't give up it will all be okay. I know it's easy for me to say that but I have had some down times and He has always pulled through for me and He will for you to!!
Please don't give up it will all be okay. I know it's easy for me to say that but I have had some down times and He has always pulled through for me and He will for you to!!
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InspiredHome
Earning my Ph.D in Procrastination
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Prayers to you. I would encourage you to daily read the Bible in addition to reading great Christian literature. Charles H. Spurgeon comes to mind. The Spurgeon Archive—Main Menu
Read especially his Morning and Evening devotionals. Our walk is never easy and we are promised hardship but it is well worth the struggle. I have been through a lot in my life--deaths of loved ones due to illness, car accidents, sick children (two requiring brain surgery), chronic pain and depression but Christ has been my constant. If you are feeling doubt, do not seek refuge in those who suppress the truth, but in Christ. The atheists will malign the faith all day with their supposed Bible contradictions, rip things out of context, and babble on with the moral outrage over someone they claim does not exist. Theirs is an empty and fruitless life. Sometimes belief is like love, an action. Something that is done despite your feeling at the time. There are answers to questions of doubt and disbelief. Some choose to ignore the overwhelming evidence and miss the glory of Christ. Do not let your circumstances dictate your belief. Christ reigns in ease and in tribulation. If you want to vent or talk, just pm me. Don't give up!
Read especially his Morning and Evening devotionals. Our walk is never easy and we are promised hardship but it is well worth the struggle. I have been through a lot in my life--deaths of loved ones due to illness, car accidents, sick children (two requiring brain surgery), chronic pain and depression but Christ has been my constant. If you are feeling doubt, do not seek refuge in those who suppress the truth, but in Christ. The atheists will malign the faith all day with their supposed Bible contradictions, rip things out of context, and babble on with the moral outrage over someone they claim does not exist. Theirs is an empty and fruitless life. Sometimes belief is like love, an action. Something that is done despite your feeling at the time. There are answers to questions of doubt and disbelief. Some choose to ignore the overwhelming evidence and miss the glory of Christ. Do not let your circumstances dictate your belief. Christ reigns in ease and in tribulation. If you want to vent or talk, just pm me. Don't give up!
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InspiredHome
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Today's reading from Spurgeon
ANY have forsaken Christ, and have walked no more with Him; but what reason have YOU to make a change? Has there been any reason for it in the past? Has not Jesus proved Himself all-sufficient? He appeals to you this morning—"Have I been a wilderness unto you?" When your soul has simply trusted Jesus, have you ever been confounded? Have you not up till now found your Lord to be a compassionate and generous friend to you, and has not simple faith in Him given you all the peace your spirit could desire? Can you so much as dream of a better friend than He has been to you? Then change not the old and tried for new and false. As for the present, can that compel you to leave Christ? When we are hard beset with this world, or with the severer trials within the Church, we find it a most blessed thing to pillow our head upon the bosom of our Saviour. This is the joy we have to-day that we are saved in Him; and if this joy be satisfying, wherefore should we think of changing? Who barters gold for dross? We will not forswear the sun till we find a better light, nor leave our Lord until a brighter lover shall appear; and, since this can never be, we will hold Him with a grasp immortal, and bind His name as a seal upon our arm. As for the future, can you suggest anything which can arise that shall render it necessary for you to mutiny, or desert the old flag to serve under another captain? We think not. If life be long—He changes not. If we are poor, what better than to have Christ who can make us rich? When we are sick, what more do we want than Jesus to make our bed in our sickness? When we die, is it not written that "neither death, nor life, nor things present, nor things to come, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord!" We say with Peter, "Lord, to whom shall we go?"
"Will ye also go away?"—John 6:67.
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praying for you, too.
Everyone has sinned and Yahweh isn't caught off guard. Our sin isn't greater than Him and His forgiveness (John 3:16-17).
Everyone has sinned and Yahweh isn't caught off guard. Our sin isn't greater than Him and His forgiveness (John 3:16-17).
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Philpy1976
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Coincidences don't exist, God DOES.
I know you probably can't see it right now, but the girl in Tokyo and her interest in Christianity, well as I said, coincidences don't exist.
He is reaching out to you, I am 100% convinced of that.
I know you probably can't see it right now, but the girl in Tokyo and her interest in Christianity, well as I said, coincidences don't exist.
He is reaching out to you, I am 100% convinced of that.
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Thanks for sharing so honestly about where you're at. I think that even for the strongest of faith, life circumstances can greatly affect things. In my own "agnostic seasons", it comforts me to remember that God is who he is regardless of what I believe about him, even if I believe nothing at all. Whether I feel him near or feel abandoned by him, he's everywhere all the time. When I wonder how I've managed to get this far from him and so lost, I remember that he's the same today as he was on the day I was born and in the moments I felt closest to him - I'm the one who's changed. I know that God accepts you where you are today, and I hope you can do the same for yourself. 
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Genster
God is LOVE
God promises us trials. If you are faithful through these trials God will bless you majorly. It seems like you are going through one.
It sound like you need to pour out your heart to God and let Him know how you feel, what your needs are, ask him what He wants for you, ask Him for faith and hope.
James 4:2 You do not have because you do not ask God.
It might feel strange at first but simply ask God for things. See if He answers you. Remember, God works through people.
It sound like you need to pour out your heart to God and let Him know how you feel, what your needs are, ask him what He wants for you, ask Him for faith and hope.
James 4:2 You do not have because you do not ask God.
It might feel strange at first but simply ask God for things. See if He answers you. Remember, God works through people.
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Dear Midramble,
The fact that you came on this site and that you have not taken your life IS God...trying to win you over again. I know sometimes when we go thru hard times it's easy to think that the voices in our head that we thought were God is really just us talking to ourselves. But the fact that these "amazing" coincidences have happened to you seems a little too out of the ordinary to just be coincidences. I just think the sorrow of your unfaithful wife has brought you to a place where you're asking if there really was a God why would he let this happen. But the story of Job comes to mind and his endurance and even though your zest for God is not the same the fact that you cannot give up on Him after everything that has happened to you is a sign of faith...even a mustard seed of faith is still powerful, you just have to learn to grow yours again. And in the end Job was blessed w/ more than he had in the 1st 1/2 of his life.
I hope you realize that you are being strong & that you do still have faith & that God is still with you carrying you thru these hard times even though it may not seem like it..He's waiting for you to open your heart to Him.
Maybe tonight open your bible and do a devotional.
Lord, please come to this man and ease his pain and grow his faith Lord deep down he knows you are the only one that can "fix" him. Thank you Lord in advance for answering all of our prayers.. Amen!
The fact that you came on this site and that you have not taken your life IS God...trying to win you over again. I know sometimes when we go thru hard times it's easy to think that the voices in our head that we thought were God is really just us talking to ourselves. But the fact that these "amazing" coincidences have happened to you seems a little too out of the ordinary to just be coincidences. I just think the sorrow of your unfaithful wife has brought you to a place where you're asking if there really was a God why would he let this happen. But the story of Job comes to mind and his endurance and even though your zest for God is not the same the fact that you cannot give up on Him after everything that has happened to you is a sign of faith...even a mustard seed of faith is still powerful, you just have to learn to grow yours again. And in the end Job was blessed w/ more than he had in the 1st 1/2 of his life.
I hope you realize that you are being strong & that you do still have faith & that God is still with you carrying you thru these hard times even though it may not seem like it..He's waiting for you to open your heart to Him.
Maybe tonight open your bible and do a devotional.
Lord, please come to this man and ease his pain and grow his faith Lord deep down he knows you are the only one that can "fix" him. Thank you Lord in advance for answering all of our prayers.. Amen!
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praying for a new gift of faith to be given to you, and for help with emotional healing. sometimes men do not ask for help with their feelings. i would encourage you to seek help, perhaps at the VA, since you are a veteran, or perhaps help from a trusted friend. it could be that your hurts have made you angry at God. but that doesn't mean He's not there...He wants you back!!
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