Prayer for restoration of my marriage

Thank you everyone. It's been such a rough day. I went back to our property to pick up some more of my things...and Michael made sure he and his children had left to go elsewhere. Apparently, my mere presence is too upsetting for them - which I know is simply not true; it's just another manifestation of his distorted overindulgence and overprotection. I know I'm paying for all the years he should have protected the children from their unstable, controlling, abusive mother - years in which he chose to turn a blind eye and bury himself in work.

I felt like a common criminal, arriving at my own home like a thief in the night. When I got there, I saw that my husband had gone ahead with all the landscaping we'd planned to do as part of our 'dream'. All the artistic ideas have been mine as he's just not the creative sort..and he carried them out to the letter. I just cried. He's doing this to get the property ready for sale...and I'll be seeing very little of the money if he goes ahead with the divorce as he still seems determined to do. I've put blood, sweat and tears into the property, literally. I've worked alongside him with power-tools and brushcutters to make it the thing of beauty it is today.

I'm sorry that my flesh is rising and railing. I'll get over it. The money isn't important but there's this little girl inside of me saying, 'If it was left to him, the place would look pretty ordinary...and he'd be getting a lot less for it.' Awful, I know. Forgive me, Lord. I'll get over it...and still trust that the sale is not inevitable...just as the divorce is not inevitable.

And it didn't finish there. He's given away my pets...my two kitties. We'd discussed the fact that I'd have to rehome them because of circumstances and I knew he'd put an ad in the paper. But not in my wildest dreams did I consider that he'd go ahead and make the decision as to who the new owner should be without me being present. They are NOT his pets. He and the children are dog lovers and frankly, can't stand cats. I'm just an animal lover who has a real affinity for cats. I've always loved them...and I've always had them as companions. But Michael didn't even give me the chance to say goodbye to them! He just sent me a text message to say they'd been rehomed. I mean, who does that? Really? How many more times does he want to break my heart? How much more does he want to take away from me? How many more times do I need to reach deep inside myself and forgive him...for clearly, he does not know the pain he causes. He couldn't...otherwise he surely wouldn't do it. Right? And yes, I know how often I need to dig deep and forgive...as many times as it takes. Seventy times seven...and then some.

Forgive my rantings. I'm so sad...and struggling with my anger, which I haven't acted on. So I'm relying on the scripture that says it's okay to be angry as long as we do not sin. I sent a message back saying that I would have liked to have said goodbye, but thanking him for finding them a home. That was so difficult to do.

As you see, more prayer and support is definitely needed. They say it's darkest before the dawn...bring on the dawn.
Thank you all again...
Love and light

Thank you achristian2...I felt the hug along with the prayer.
And Elshevia...thank you. I know I sounded very childish in my last post...just getting the hurt out from that wounded inner child we all have inside of us. It's so very true that I must be patient...and perhaps for a good long time.

I truly want to be in my home till our old, old age...till we drop off our perches or get carted off to a nursing home. So...no, it's never been about the money. I just want to go back and be there with them; to continue to minister as best I can. To enjoy the love - to be a family. Every ounce of thought and creativity has been so that we can share in the joy of it for all the years to come; as Michael used to say 'for all the days and all the nights'. I wish he would still say that.

As for division of property it's a different ballgame in Australia, which is where I live. Michael and I have only been married for 2 and a half years; the children are his - my stepchildren; so the division will be heavily skewed in his favour. I've been a very ill woman for the past 18 years and raised two daughters on my own, so needless to say I brought very little into the marriage. The property has been financed by my husband...but the artistic input as well as a lot of physical labour have been mine. Nothing and no one could place a value on the constant efforts I've put in with the children, all of them very dysfunctional, very difficult, very damaged from their experiences with their biological mother, who eventually suicided. It was her third attempt.

I'm trying to put aside my fears. At 53, and significantly sicker after the stresses and strains of the past few years, it will be extremely difficult, almost unbearable, should I have to start over with very little finance. I gave up a job that was basically tailor-made to accommodate my limitations, at my husband's urging, in order to put all my time into our new marriage, the blended family and the property. Should he go ahead with the property sale, I will be awarded somewhere between 5 and 10% because the marriage is of short duration and because he financed the property. Sounds logical on the face of it but doesn't take individual circumstances into account. I've checked with my solicitor and I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.

Best not to dwell on that and let the fear take over. My commitment to my marriage remains. It's unwavering despite the latest pain. God is on my side. He despises divorce...and I'm doing my best to walk within His will. Your prayer for me is very beautiful and it strengthens me, and I'm particularly touched and soothed by this - 'so hold your head up high for him to see that you are God's
Daughter, and nothing any man can do will not hurt you. Go with God by your side.' You're so right and I thank you for the reminder. I am a daughter of the King...and nothing any man can do will hurt me.

God bless for that...

Thank you SplendidTree. I saw my counsellor today and he had some real insight into the situation between Michael and I - not that it actually empowers me to do anything, but I'm one of those people who needs to understand things. So it helped significantly. God is good.

Thank you aChristian2. Such a straight forward and beautiful prayer. Many thanks.

Love and light

It seems to have been a very long two weeks. The school holidays finish tomorrow and I'm going out to the property to spend some time in my peaceful haven, do some gardening and try to rebuild a connection with Michael. He's still absolutely determined to go ahead with the property sale and divorce; and also to keep me away from my home.

I'm finding it very difficult being away...and it's exaccerbating my physical illness. My daughter and her partner are wonderful but the dogs next door continue to bark into the wee hours of the morning, keeping me awake and therefore exhausted, unwell and in pain throughout the day. It's also starting to get very hot here in Australia and as I have difficulty regulating my temperature - an aspect of my health condition - I need access to air conditioning, which I do not have in my room here at my daughter's house. Michael is aware of how this impacts my health but is knowingly putting me through it. He's acting as judge and jury really, and doesn't seem to care a jot that his actions are making me increasingly ill, with the possibility of causing damage to my organs. Where did my gentle, kind boy go?

Anyhow...I'll visit tomorrow and would appreciate prayer to keep me strong and focussed on God...that I be an example of His love. Please also continue to pray for Michael to come to know and love Jesus, and for the restoration of our marriage. Many thanks, friends.

I don't understand it either, Elshevia, and am just trying to seek God's wisdom in all this. It's entirely possible that Michael was never the kind, gentle person I took him to be. Many people have asked why his first wife suicided and whether or not I think it's a possibility he drove her to it. The answer is yes, I do think it's very possible he played a significant part. She was mentally unstable, even before they were married, and Michael has said to me that he always knew she'd kill herself one day. I suspect she may well have received some of the cruel emotional abuse that I've experienced from him...and he must have known it could easily push her over the edge. She'd attempted suicided twice before...the third time she succeeded. With a gentle husband she would likely be alive today to rear her children.

But I also knew Michael when he was literally a boy - I was 16 and he 17 - and I remember that person as gentle and kind...or perhaps I was deceived even then. He was holding my hand the very first time I uttered my first utterances in tongues...and I remember him squeezing my hand tight. Those were innocent days in which we simply 'dated' - usually in a group of friends that included my older brother, so perhaps I never really got the chance to know the real him. Whatever the case, he needs God, and as difficult as this is for me, I want to do whatever it takes to not stand in God's way as He gives Michael opportunities to come to Him, as I know He desires to do. It must make me sound quite mad, I know. And I really appreciate how kind you are...and how concerned for me. You seem like exactly the sort of person I'd love to get to know. Thank you for that.

The bottom line is that in God's eyes we are still married...and it's taking such a lot of patience and discernment to try and figure out the wisest way to honour my vows. Until God releases me from those vows, that must be my course of action. God's wisdom is often so very different from the wisdom of the world. I know Michael is being grossly unfair and unkind. That's what he'll be accountable for one day. As for me, I'm accountable for the way in which I conduct myself. Will it show the light of Christ or will it not? Heaven knows I've let God down enough over the past three years.

I have a very strong feeling that the time will come when I'll choose to go back to the property and reclaim my peace and my health...in fact, I'm quite certain of it. But the timing has to be right; to be God's...and that's the hard part for me. I can't go back until Michael is ready for me to do so; if I do, it will get very, very nasty and will lead him and his children further from God than ever, as well as ultimately do even more emotional harm to me. It will also be the death of my marriage. Of this I'm certain. And I won't give up that easily. I won't fight fire with fire.

But honestly...thank you so much for your passionate response. It's pretty much exactly what I would think and pray if I was looking at someone going through what I'm going through. And your sisterly love and earnest prayers strengthen me.

I'll let you know how the day goes. Methinks this might be a longish saga.

Love and light

Hi sweetheart,
My real name's Melinda! I'd love to hear from you and be your friend. Can't wait, in fact. Talk to you soon...bedtime for me now. Love and light,
Mel

To my dear new friend, Elshevia, thank you for your friendship and for upholding me, Michael, and our marriage, in prayer. I will most definitely pray the Psalms you've given me. I know the Word of God is powerful. In fact, I'm just beginning to realize how foolish I was to trust in my own understanding instead of confidently trusting God's timeless wisdom...in His faithful word, the power of prayer and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. But I am learning fast. In many ways I'm returning to the more childlike faith I had when I was very young. I look forward to your email. xx

And to the lovely Mrscruz, a more beautiful and heartfelt prayer I have never before heard. I will write it out this evening and say it every day because it gave me goosebumps of the very good kind. I thank you for the empathy, kindness and infilling of the Spirit you have gifted me. These words...' And her ears shall hear a word behind her saying, this is the way, walk here, when she turn to her right and when she turns to her left,' brought tears to my eyes, so powerful is the message that I am never alone; that He walks with me always and I need only to search for His voice in all things. I look forward to checking out HopeAtLast.com.

My meeting with Michael today was very brief as I was unwell from too little sleep - as is usually the case these days - and got off to a very slow start. By the time I got to the property he was already on his way out to do some errands. However, he stopped with me and we leaned against the car in the shade and just talked about pleasant things for about twenty minutes. As he left he reached out and touched my arm tenderly. It's the first time he's voluntarily touched me since our separation; although I have reached for him a couple of times and he has very gingerly, very stiffly patted me on the back as I've tried to hug him. I decided, after much prayer of course, that I should wait for him to initiate any touch, so he doesn't feel like he has no choice. It's not sympathy I need, after all, but his abiding love back. I know not to read too much into such things at this stage - while at the same time accepting it as a sign of hope. Certainly it was a good and positive thing.

I'm under no illusion that there'll be a quick fix, and am well aware of the amount of patience, forbearance and self control I'll need to exercise in order to allow God to work in His own way and in His own time. These are the very fruits of the spirit I need most to work on. God is good. And I'll be carefully listening for His voice - telling me which way to turn, when to act and when not to, when to speak and when not to. Today I had the very clear message to be gentle and quiet, and to worry about nothing - no matter what happened. It was interesting because the only thing I hadn't anticipated was that Michael would actually leave when he knew I was coming. It didn't occur to me that he might have expected me earlier, or that he wasn't going to be as keen to see me as I was to see him. Funny how the mind works (not logical!). But God was faithful. Jesus was with me, and I knew that everything was okay; there was nothing to worry about. And so I didn't worry. Praise and thanks to Him.

Love and light to all.

Thank you His will be done,
Your anglo-saxon version of the Lord's Prayer is so beautiful. I have my roots in various parts of the British Isles though I live in Australia. I always feel a certain yearning for those ancestral roots though.

My news of my marriage is at present very distressing, and on the surface, looks completely hopeless. Michael has told me to say goodbye forever. That there's no hope for the future. Everything has changed. The divorce must go though. It's bizarre. And he's treating me very cruelly, very unfairly. According to him I will get very little from any property settlement...and I'm so ill that, at 53, it will make it very hard.

But God has it in hand. He knows my purpose and my future. He has plans for good and not of evil. I need Him to direct my steps in every moment of every day... I also need Him to protect me from further abuse...and to provide for me. At the moment, He is my husband.

Thank you again. I'll post more of an update when I'm up to it. For now, I'm exhausted and in pain...but still very much basking in God's love.

Thank you sweet Suzeequeue
'Tis difficult

xx