I just don't know what to do anymore!

Hey guys,

I am desperate and at my lowest point. I've been a Christian since I was four years old (though a Christian in name only for most of my life), but I can't say I have ever known God. I had a mental breakdown due to OCD a year ago, and I really tried to seek God until now. However, my OCD has always riddled my mind with legalistic thoughts...for example, I'm not putting God first unless I read 30 minutes, or 2 hours, or an hour, (etc. etc.) of the Bible before I do ANYTHING, read devotions, listen to only Christian songs whenever my thoughts come up, and do all these insane rituals.

Over time, I began to resent "Christianity" and "God" because of the slavery I was in. I seriously considered rejecting my faith and becoming an agnostic more than once, because life outside of that slavery seemed so much better.

God gave me rest from those thoughts, but now I feel like I am just living for myself because I refuse to read the Bible for a certain amount of time or listen to any of those thoughts. It should have, in theory, made me freer, but I just feel as dirty, unimportant, worthless and hopeless as I ever have. I don't know what to do anymore. I've prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for deliverance, I've been baptized, I try to be a good person, I give, and I try to love others as best I can. But I've noticed that because of the "desert" and wasteland my life feels like right now, I give in to sin because the "satisfaction" it brings feels more real than anything I've ever felt from Christianity.

Anyway, I apologize for the long message, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like my situation is do to a failing of mine (OCD brings up several ideas--how I'm not putting God first and I should be doing those rituals), and it feels like deliverance will never come. Can anyone please help??? I am hoping those with OCD can sympathize here.

God understands He loves you. I understand I have OCD too. Praying for your comfort and peace. God is not mad at you he knows your struggle. He is pleased with you you are clothed in his righteousness. Hang in there.

JOIN THE 3 OCD'S PRAYING FOR BREAKTHROUGH FOR HEALING WITH US. 5 TOTAL ARE PRAYING, BUT AM GOING TO ROUND UP MORE. THE STRONGER WE ARE THE MORE CHAINS WE BREAK AND PRISON DOORS: GloriousRuins, Lik3 and Robin are all OCD's that can't take it anymore either. Join our fast and prayer this Sat and Sun. Fast whatever you can that keeps you from the Lord or you do to feed your flesh - games, TV, coffee, chocolate, cigarettes, whatever you would give up for healing to be free of this illness. Don't try to do this alone. FROM 6 AM SAT TO 6 PM SUN WE WILL FAST AND PRAY FOR HEALING. PUT ON THE ARMOR OF GOD AND JOIN US!
&

I understand. I can never feel as if I've prayed enough, read enough or trusted enough. There's a lot of guilt involved. I often feel that I need to go to this chapter or pray for this person, or this or that, and it really seems to be about doing rather than learning about and listening to God. If it takes the focus off of God and onto our performance, then I don't think it's Him. It's difficult for me to enjoy times of "relaxation", especially if I feel as if I've not prayed as I should or something. I'm also bothered by the feelings that if I don't cover certain people in prayer, bad things will happen, and it will be my fault. But, when I pray for them, I don't feel as if I'm believing for what I'm asking for but am just trying to "obey" out of fear, which is the opposite of faith when it's ungodly, performance-based fear. It can be hard to know the difference between the Holy Spirit's nudging and what is ocd guilt or legalism. But, I know that anything that paints God inaccurately is a lie from the enemy and, just as the Bible says in Romans 8, none of us know how to pray as we ought to pray but the Holy Spirit helps us in our weaknesses and prays for us with groans which words cannot express. The Father knows what the Spirit is praying. Prayer and devotion should actually be a burden releaser, a time to cast our cares upon Him. Ocd makes it a burden though. When we feel we've not done enough, remember that He is our El Shaddai (unsure of spelling), our God who is more than enough. I do understand. Guilt is a stronghold in my life I believe. I hope this helps in knowing that you're not alone in your struggles and God has never and will never leave you alone.

Blessings,
Rebecca

Hi MachLoop,
There is a ministry by the name of liberatedlivingministries. it is not for specifically. But this brother John Sheasby tackles the issue of leagalism with a graceful fervor.
I was a religionist for many years and i,m now singing amazing Grace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MachLoop,
I meant it does not specifically for OCD.

Hello MachLoop,

I can relate to what you are going through. I too was brought up in the church but I was living a double-life. God has saved me I believe because He died for our sins and I trust that good news and this Good God.

You said a key thing. You said that you don't think that I have ever known God. I take it as you are lacking a true relationship with Jesus Christ. That is the root there. What must you do? Well, first hear these words.

"All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out." John 6:37 NKJV

The next logical question is "how" do I come to Jesus? The Bible says

Isaiah 55:6,7 "Seek the Lord while He may be found, Call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way, And the unrighteous man his thoughts; Let him return to the Lord, And He will have mercy on him; And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon."

So Dear Machloop, why not come to Jesus as the prodigal son did and humble yourself and cry out to Him to save you? Do you realize what He has done for you? He (God) became a human being to pay for your sins with His life when He shed His blood for you on that cross. I have to constantly remind myself of that. It was God coming down to us, not that we have to come up (by our own effort) to him.

Realize his great love for you, confess your sins to Him. He promises to forgive you. Because the Bible says

For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.” Romans 10:13

That is a promise of God not man's words. and again

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

You might already be familiar with these promises but put them in your heart and don't forget it. (I have a tendancy to forget these precious promises).

You might also know this one too.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me." Revelations 3:20

So if we come to Jesus, He will not turn us away. Coming to him, humbly confessing our sins, repenting and turning to God, believing that "he will forgive us" because Jesus paid our debt.

There is nothing we can do for our salvation. Nothing. All we need to do is come and ask for it. Beg for it, cry out for it. But remember, don't trust in your ability to ask or pray, or don't say within yourself, 'did I pray enough' (as I have done) or say did I cry enough (as I have also done). because that will lead you back to trust in your own works. and you will never feel like you have done enough. That is why you must say "Lord, save me" and "Lord have mercy on me" and then believe His promises and He said "Whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" Oh! that is music to my ears.

I have often pray for my own salvation and then wondered 'did God hear me' or 'am I really saved' then I start to look at my performance but that is not right. If you did genuinely come to Jesus, then you are saved in accordance to John 6:37, on the authority of His promises, Jesus' own words you are saved. Then that means that you do know God now and have entered into a real, never ending relationship with Him.

Beg the Lord to change you and He will change you. If reading the Bible sounds boring or you feel that you have to, say...'no I don't have to but I get to' meaning that I am privilege to read God's Words. Your inner man needs it and your flesh will fight it. But that flesh war is a good sign because you do make war against your flesh

If you would like to talk more privately please send me an email or message me. I would love to talk more with you about this. There is hope and Jesus is our hope. Don't give into sin since Satan would love to kill, steal and destroy you. Remember, you will reap what you sow. Whatever sin you meant that gives you 'satisfaction' remember it doesn't give God satisfaction, Look at your sin as a selfish acts that has no value. It will only enslave you deeper. There is a way out of sin and it's only through crying out to Jesus for help and forgiveness.

MachLoop said:

Hey guys,

I am desperate and at my lowest point. I've been a Christian since I was four years old (though a Christian in name only for most of my life), but I can't say I have ever known God. I had a mental breakdown due to OCD a year ago, and I really tried to seek God until now. However, my OCD has always riddled my mind with legalistic thoughts...for example, I'm not putting God first unless I read 30 minutes, or 2 hours, or an hour, (etc. etc.) of the Bible before I do ANYTHING, read devotions, listen to only Christian songs whenever my thoughts come up, and do all these insane rituals.

Over time, I began to resent "Christianity" and "God" because of the slavery I was in. I seriously considered rejecting my faith and becoming an agnostic more than once, because life outside of that slavery seemed so much better.

God gave me rest from those thoughts, but now I feel like I am just living for myself because I refuse to read the Bible for a certain amount of time or listen to any of those thoughts. It should have, in theory, made me freer, but I just feel as dirty, unimportant, worthless and hopeless as I ever have. I don't know what to do anymore. I've prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for deliverance, I've been baptized, I try to be a good person, I give, and I try to love others as best I can. But I've noticed that because of the "desert" and wasteland my life feels like right now, I give in to sin because the "satisfaction" it brings feels more real than anything I've ever felt from Christianity.

Anyway, I apologize for the long message, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like my situation is do to a failing of mine (OCD brings up several ideas--how I'm not putting God first and I should be doing those rituals), and it feels like deliverance will never come. Can anyone please help??? I am hoping those with OCD can sympathize here.

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I have been right were you are at. I realized the only thing I could do was focus on Jesus. I realized i had to take my eyesOff of my failings and focus on Christ and what He did on the cross. Once you start focusing on Jesus then He will strengthen you. Pray for wisdom. Also start thanking God for what Hes done for you already. He woke you up today. You have food in your tummy. Clothes on your back. Ect.... God loves you very much. Sometimes we stay knocked down until we learn what we need to learn. Talk to God like you would family because He is. No matter your thoughts fears doubts God will never let you Go. So start trusting God. The enemy likes it when we are focused on ourselves because then we take oureyes off of Jesus and fall.

I have ocd and understand the agony it puts you through. You are doing the best you can for how you feel. I'm praying it gets better. Have you seen a doctor? It helped me to do so.