Advice needed with my ex-girlfriend... Where do I go from here?

Patriot1776

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[FONT=&quot]I just need to get this all off my chest. Where do I begin?...

Back in March of this year, I was matched with this girl on a Christian dating website. We started to get to know one another by talking to each other through Skype. We got along pretty well and had similar interests. Come to find out, we had many friends in common. Several weeks passed and we talked about meeting one another in person. We ended up going on our first date to a nearby restaurant.

We talked about our families, our upbringings, our Christian faith, when we were saved, etc. We talked for the next 3 hours until the restaurant closed. We then grabbed some dessert and talked until the ice-cream place closed as well.
We then drove around talking about different things in our town. I took her to my house to meet my parents. She stayed and talked for a while and finally needed to go home. Our first date lasted 8 hours long. Pretty much a success, I‘d say.

We continued to hang out all the time from then on. We’d see each other almost daily. We would talk for hours and hours and never got bored with one another. No one could make me laugh as much as she did.

We soon became boyfriend and girlfriend and we began to share pieces of our hearts with one another. We would tell each other that we cared for one another and that we missed each other. We also held hands and would hug each other (nothing sexual ever happened, don’t worry).

The more that I began to know Jill, the more that my heart fell for her. She shared with me how her family was messed up (even though she comes from a Christian home) and how her family is so dysfunctional. She shared how some of her family members had issues with suicide attempts and how others had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, and so on.

She shared how one of her past boyfriends was physically abusive to her. Nothing upsets me more when someone is mistreated and wronged. She would cry with me about things that were on her heart. I was always gentle, sweet and kind with her. I wanted to show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

As we continued to grow in our relationship, we started saying “I love you” to one another. Nothing meant more to me than to hear her say those words. How sweet they were!

As time passed, she began to share pieces of her past. She was afraid by telling me these things that I would run off. I told her nonsense and that I cared for her. I told her that "it didn’t matter what she did in her past, it wouldn’t keep me from loving her".

She shared with me how she never had someone be so kind and sweet to her. She didn’t have the best relationship with her father and has never seen a true male role model in her life.

One time when I was walking her out to her car, I hugged her and started to pray over her because of what she was going through in her life. Her body started to shake a little and she began to weep. Emotions just swept over her. She said that she never had anyone pray over her before. There was another time where she just hugged me and buried her head into my chest (she was shorter than me) and started crying. I asked her if she was okay and she said "yes, these are tears of joy. I've never had anyone care as much about me as you do".

She was sweet, kind, and funny with me. Of course there were times where she got frustrated about things in life, but she was everything that I wanted in a future spouse. We started talking about our future and that we saw being with each other for a long time. She told me that she could never find anyone else like me and that she saw herself being married to me. Neither of us wanted to be with anyone else….

Father into our relationship though, I began to notice some things.
[/FONT]

  • [FONT=&quot]Some of her friends who were super close to her are not good influences. One to be exact would drink, talk about getting wasted, sexual innuendos, used the f-word constantly (among other choice words), was very immature and acted like he was 16 years old (even though he is in his late 20’s). Jill would laugh at the sexual comments. She would hang out with these friends when we were not together, but would not hang out when I was around. She even made excuses for them saying that they were Christians and that they prayed. She even went to their houses to hang out.[/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]There were some things that didn’t line up with what we first talked about in the beginning of our relationship. For example, I believe that it is foolish to drink. I talked about these things were her and shared Scriptures and she agreed with me on these things and had the same mindset (or so I thought). She had shared how she had a few drinks in her past but was ashamed of it and wouldn’t ever do it again. A few months later, the topic of alcohol came back up again and she had a different tune. She said that she wasn’t sure if she would go out and drink again or not. She also said that if she did, she wouldn’t do it in front of me. Today, she makes comments about alcohol on her friends' Facebook pages. [/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]I noticed that she liked things on her friends’ Facebook pages that were sexual and VERY inappropriate.[/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]She had no problem going and hanging out with other guys, one-on-one. She even went to dinner with them, even though they were just her friends. Call me old fashioned, but what is the point of dating me if you are with other men? I told her that I didn’t like it and that she said that she was surprised. She told me that her other boyfriends had jealousy issues and were always so controlling about who she was with. She believed that having jealousy was unhealthy. She wouldn’t have a problem with me hanging out with other girls as long as she knew about it (why would I want to be with some other girl when she was the only one who made me happy?). She didn’t like someone telling her that she couldn’t hang out with her friends (I never did that). She called me later and said that she wouldn’t hang out with other guys because she knew that it would make me happy.[/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]When talking about why I post Bible verses and profound statements on my Facebook page, Jill said, “That's why I don't really post very many profound statements or posts. It might hurt someone's feelings or give them the wrong idea. I'll post bible quotes but I always try and think of why I am posting the bible verse. If it is to condemn someone or put people down I will not post the verse. But if I am doing it with a good heart and good intentions, then I will post it. Just because it's a bible verse doesn't mean it's a good thing to post; it's all about the thoughts and feelings behind it.”[/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]She didn’t like it that I said ‘’yes sir, no ma’am” and “yes ma’am, no ma’am” to her parents. In fact, she would get on to me for it. She said that I didn’t have to shake her Dad’s hand and that I didn’t have to hug her Mom every time that I went over to their house. She said that I didn’t have to be so formal around them.[/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]She talked quite a bit about her previous boyfriend who was a jerk and who abusive to her. [/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]One time when I was talking to Jill about beauty and stuff, she wondered if I thought that she was beautiful. When I assured her and tried to kiss her forehead, she turned away and started crying and said that I didn’t think that she was pretty. She always compared herself to other people. She struggles with self-esteem. [/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]She once asked me if I wanted her to wear more make up (since she didn’t wear a whole lot). I responded by saying that if she wanted to (wasn't sure how to answer her). She started crying and said that I wouldn’t like her or find her attractive now unless she wore make up to cover up her “plainness”. Only then would I find her attractive.[/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]When I got into her car once, she had her radio playing. As I started to speak, she cut me off and said, "hold on, this is one of my favorite songs". She didn’t want to talk until after the song was over.[/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]She said that her parents never talked to her or her siblings about different issues. All they said was “don’t do this or that, because I said not to”. There was never any explaining as to why not do certain things. She had to learn what not to do by looking at her siblings' mistakes.[/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]Her siblings joked about taking her out to different pubs and bars on her birthday. She reluctantly said “noooo” (mostly because I was in the room, not because she didn’t want to). Her Mom even said that she could tell by my face that I was “freaking out” (which I wasn't). Jill said that she probably would be dragged into it. I told her that she had the choice not to go and she was like, ‘’yeah”.[/FONT]
  • [FONT=&quot]Her parents were missionaries for quite a few years. Her Dad was even the Pastor of a church. Now, he drinks.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I talked to her about several issues that I had with her (my motive was restoration). I was as kind as I could be with her. She said that she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore and that it wasn’t working out. All those phone calls, all those texts, all those “I love you”, “I miss you”, “I don’t want to be with anyone else” messages simply stopped.

I learned that she was not a virgin. In fact, she lost her virginity to the boyfriend who abused her. She thought that their relationship would get better, so she stayed with him for way too long. She wept with me in the fact that she was not a virgin and she told me that it was a one-time thing. I told her that I understood and that God could restore her and forgive her. She expressed her concern in how she thought that every time I would see her, I would think of her losing her virginity, and not thinking of her, the individual. I told her that this was nonsense and that I never thought of it. I forgave her and told her that I loved her.

She shared how when she was younger, she wore a purity ring and believed in abstinence. She ended up losing her ring and hasn't bought one since. I encouraged her to buy the ring again. She ended up doing it and was excited (As one who also wears a purity ring and who still is a virgin, I thought that this was awesome!). I told her that I was proud of her.

Soon after we broke up, I believe that she stopped wearing it. Part of me wonders if she only bought it because of me... Part of me wonders if many of the things that she did, she only did them because of ME, not because they were her actual beliefs...

She sent me a message saying that she was in love with someone who was thousands of miles away. She called me and said that it was complicated and that she didn’t know why she said those things and that it was all just foolish and that she didn’t love the guy after all.

She revealed to me that she dated me for what she called the right reasons. She then said that she thought that if she dated a good Christian guy, that it would fix her. She thought that if she was with me, it would bring her closer to God. She said that only she could bring herself closer to Him.

She said that she always felt guilty and bad about herself when she was around me. I always encouraged her, always lifted her up, how could I make her feel bad? I believe that she was convicted about things in her life but didn’t want to change them. She said that she felt good about herself and could be herself with her other friends, but not with me. She was afraid of me seeing the real her, who she said was mean.

She made up foolish reasons as to why SHE THOUGHT that I dated her and she questioned me as to whether or not that I really loved her. She said that she didn't know that I really cared about her until after we broke up. These things hurt me very deeply. I always asked her how I could pray for her and she never once asked me how she could pray for me in return.

I learned more and more about her. She has emotional issues... She used to cut when she was younger and almost took up smoking while we were dating due to being a really low point (I found this out after we broke up). She revealed many other things about herself, too...

It has been a month since I have seen her. The hurt and pain is still there. I still think about her. I think about all the sweet things that she said to me. All the serious times where she just shared her heart with me and where she cried about her fears and her struggles in life. How could someone be so genuine and sweet with you and then change so suddenly?

I truly loved Jill with all of my heart. I was good to her even when she wasn’t good to me. I was about her and she was about herself.

There are times where I just miss her, though. Sometimes I wonder, “If she wasn’t meant for me, then why was she brought in my life?”.

There is a part of me that hopes maybe down the road we could reconnect and be together again (that is, if she got her life right). Just being honest...

My heart breaks for her in that she is with those people who are leading her down a path of loneliness and destruction. I care so much about her and I don't want her to waste her life away hanging out and being influenced by friends who are losers. I rarely call people names, but they're almost 30 and aren't doing anything to better themselves in life. Their lives consists of booze, video games, clubs, per-marital sex, minimal work and going to parties like they're 16 years old.. They don't even care about Jill...

I write all this out, spewing all my feelings... I feel so lost… so hurt… like the wind has been knocked out of my sails…

Have any of you been in my shoes before? What advice can you all give me?[/FONT]
 
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EazyMack

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Hey buddy. I was always drawn to women with emotional issues. I always wanted to be the hero. And like your ex, they would often respond with great appreciation for it... at first. But after some time, it was like they revert back to that unstable state of mind. Usually, we were in so deep by then (similar to your case, with all the "I love yous" and whatnot), that I didn't know how they were able to regress in such a way. So, of course, I held on, tried to make it work, tried to reason with her on things, etc.

The main thing that I learned is that a romantic relationship is not the solution to someone's emotional voids. Find someone who builds you up... not just someone you can build up. It took me all this time to figure this out. I've never been with someone who loved me for me, wanted to make me better by building me up (not by trying to change me), someone who supported me in the areas I have a heart for. I was always trying to make someone else better. My intentions were good, but my ideas were bad.

I understand the pain of it all. I've been there more than once, unfortunately. I've given so much of myself, and ended up leaving it behind. I've altered my life in an effort to hang on to relationships that I never should have been in. I am still trying to get back on my feet after everything I gave up for the last one. Not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet, there. But I must remain strong in my faith in God to restore.

Jill is not it. Don't look back. She needs help that you can't offer. She doesn't need romance.

Try to learn as much as you can from this. You seem to have a good heart, and that's a good thing. But in the wrong hands, bad things will happen. Find someone awesome who really wants to make you feel like you're the king of the world... not just for what you do for her, but for where your heart is, for the person you are. I know you'll treat her like a queen in return.
 
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whitebeaches

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im so sorry you have been hurt by this woman whom you love. it sounds like you treated her well and i believe you will be blessed one day with a woman who will treat you well back.

i dont know if its gods will you two reunite down the road but i do know you are not to blame for how she felt. you are not the cause. sounds like she has struggles. i am praying for her and for you to. hugs
 
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Sketcher

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I would recommend lightening up about alcohol as well, within the Bible's teachings. I advise this to save you stress in future relationships. Not that this caused all of the problems you mentioned, her background is responsible for that. From what you described to us, she wasn't over her ex, she hid stuff from you, she would see other guys one-on-one, and she didn't seem to consider your needs in the relationship. Never settle for that kind of crap.
 
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Maka

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Hi, welcome to CF! :)

I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Jill. It sounds like she has a struggle going on inside her that only she can fix. It doesn't matter how good you are to her, she's used to the abuse and you can't fix that. She's not ready to change so all you can do is let her go and pray for her. You seem like a great guy and you deserve better. There are a lot of girls out there with similar values so don't compromise on what's really important to you. May God bless you with a healthy loving relationship. :pray: Praying for Jill as well. :pray:
 
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NewUser777

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As we continued to grow in our relationship, we started saying “I love you” to one another. Nothing meant more to me than to hear her say those words. How sweet they were!

Yes, this just makes the betrayal all the worse. I'm sorry this happened to you. Something similar happened to me in the past, actually several times, different people. Afterward, I would just lie on the floor and think to myself "why?" I didn't want to do anything and lost my appetite. Eventually I came around and moved on. That's what you have to do.

No one is perfect. No woman walks around with a halo over her head, I learned that. God Almighty is the only one we can truly trust 100% of the time. Every one else will fail you at some point.

Yes, it hurts. It's very disappointing to know there aren't many Christians around these days. The girl you were with is not a Christian, and does not want to become a Christian. She lied to you. I'm glad you didn't marry her. A lot of people marry someone just so they won't be alone. That's a recipe for disaster.

Keep your faith in God, even when it looks like you will never find a wife. As Daughtry says, be careful what you wish for.
 
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Sketcher

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Yes, it hurts. It's very disappointing to know there aren't many Christians around these days. The girl you were with is not a Christian, and does not want to become a Christian.
That's going a bit far. She's confused and doesn't sound like a faithful Christian, but that doesn't mean that she's not Christian.
 
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Evexchange

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Hey there, this Jill person seems like she has a lot going on, more like damaged, but according to how u describe her, she wants to change. Change is a process, it doesn't happen in a blink of an eye n you seemed you really wanted to help her change but quickly.... (not blaming you).
If you still care for her, just pray for the Lord to fix her. Keep praying even though you aren't together. She'll get fixed!

**I was once that damaged girl but trust me, only God can fix certain things*** #justsaying
 
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Doctor Strangelove

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You dodged a bullet, but you also sound rather uptight and legalistic. Case in point:

I tend to agree with that. Now, if she is bar-hopping and getting drunk, that is very bad. If she has a beer or a glass of wine once in a while, that shouldn't be a problem. BUT, there seems to be a lot more going on. She has low self-esteem and also seems immature. She probably can only understand abusive relationships, would be my guess. Some women who are immature and are from an abusive background prefer a "bad boy" sort of guy. I remember being dumped - she quickly found an alcoholic man who was abusive and they got married. The last I heard, she got a divorce. Evidently I am boring or not man enough because I am stable, pay my bills, and don't get into drunken rages. Go figure. I'm sorry you are having so rough a time. I know it hurts thinking if only you could help her and make her whole, but don't feel guilty that you are only human and can't perform miracles and "fix" people.
 
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Gnarwhal

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Patriot, I think I've been on both sides of the issue personally. On the one hand I can see how some of what she was doing was erratic and rooted in an obvious sense of insecurity that will take a long time to rectify, on the other hand I can see how you may be a bit too legalistic and extreme in terms of your expectations of her and her behavior.

If you want to give alcohol a wide berth, that's just fine - I will never fault a person for deciding not to drink, but you don't need to pass judgment on others who do. There may be underlying factors at work that we don't fully understand. Now, along the lines of what Doctor Strangelove said, if she's going out two or three nights every weekend and getting absolutely plowed, then that gives you (and/or someone else she's close to) legitimate reason to step in and cut her off.

From what you've explained about her, it sounds like she would benefit from some counseling. Whether or not your relationship with her were to ever be rekindled, for her own sake counseling could do a lot to remedy some of the things she's apparently wrestling with.
 
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Neve

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She had no problem going and hanging out with other guys, one-on-one. She even went to dinner with them, even though they were just her friends. Call me old fashioned, but what is the point of dating me if you are with other men? I told her that I didn’t like it and that she said that she was surprised. She told me that her other boyfriends had jealousy issues and were always so controlling about who she was with. She believed that having jealousy was unhealthy. She wouldn’t have a problem with me hanging out with other girls as long as she knew about it (why would I want to be with some other girl when she was the only one who made me happy?). She didn’t like someone telling her that she couldn’t hang out with her friends (I never did that). She called me later and said that she wouldn’t hang out with other guys because she knew that it would make me happy.
I've been out one-on-one with friends of the opposite sex and it was not a date. Nothing happened. (And yes, friend paid because friend was nice.)

In my opinion, OP seems to be passing a lot of judgment on Jill. So her friends cuss and drink? The majority of the population does that. Rather than throw her to the wolves, why don't you give Jill some sympathy? Not everyone is strong enough to strand by their moral convictions under pressure. But it doesn't mean that those convictions aren't there...
 
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2bituser

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You briefly had a thing going with a girl who was full of crap. Yup, been there.

Jesus saves, not you. Other people's issues and thoughts are their responsibility, not yours. She sounds like she was more trouble than she's worth anyway. Move on with your life; there are other women around, don't feel like she's the one that got away or anything like that. Daydreaming about what could have been is unproductive in any area of life (unless you're a musician and find a way to capitalize on making hit songs about it.) Move forward.
 
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