Question about intimacy in marriage life

Well, I think you've got a good handle on the situation already. I grew up very similarly to your wife in the sex department, and there were no sparks in that area when I was first married, either. That ended up costing me my marriage, among other things, because my husband had no concept or understanding of why I was the way that I was. It wasn't that I wasn't willing, either - he was just impatient and unwilling to work with me. His expectation was that after a life time of being a virgin (I was in my mid twenties at the time) that I should have been some kind of starved sex hound chomping at the bit for him. It doesn't work that way. If you spend your life repressing your sexuality, then eventually your sexuality becomes repressed. Having sex suddenly available doesn't reverse that right away.

As far as what you can do - I think that you two just have to work with each other, patiently, and discover together what sort of things she likes and how she likes them done. As long as she feels comfortable with you and doesn't feel a lot of pressure to perform, eventually her sexuality will wake up. Don't give up. Just keep working with each other.

Congrats on your marriage! I'd suggest her seeing a Christian counselor about her sexual abuse to see if that is causing her any problems sexually. It's so wonderful that you are being sensitive, patient, loving, and understanding with her during this! God bless you both and your marriage!

The sexual abuse is a huge flag.

Your thoughts regarding the value of per-marital "sexual activity" is a huge flag.

All the blather about repressed sexuality is our culture's language for Christian self control and purity.

I sent you some info in a pm. I'm sure you two will be able to work this through.
Prayers,
a

ChrisHolland619 said:

Me and my wife just got married. We are extremely happy with each other, are best friends, and have a very happy marriage.

The only problem is that when we are trying to be intimate, it seems as if there isn't really a huge spark there in that area. We are both attracted to each other, but my wife has never had any form of sexual activity, even masturbation, growing up, as she attended an extremely strict baptist church while growing up, and they taught her that any form of sexual thought or experimentation with herself was a sin. I personally disagree with that.

Anyway, what can we do? We do have sex, but it's only a few times a week, once or twice, and really want to spice up our sex life.

My wife is very candid about how she feels; she tells me she wants to have sex with me to make me happy, and that she enjoys it, but doesn't give a lot of stimulation out of it or pleasure.

I feel one of the reasons is she has never mentally gotten ready for sex; she has never discovered what pleases her, and all doctors and scientist and psychologist say that it's very important for a woman to be ready mentally and desire it mentally based on what she already knows before she can truly enjoy sex for herself.

I feel that this is a mental issue, not saying she's "mental", just that she has never discovered her sexuality due to her extremely biased and strict views on sex via her church growing up. Also, when she was 8, her uncle sexually molested her, and although she admits she doesn't think it plays a part in it, she admits as well that she isn't sure, and that it might be.


So I ask, what can we do? The situation isn't dire; we both know that marriage isn't about sex, and we are both just fine cuddling up in bed watching a movie. But we do want to please each other and want help regarding this. Thank you.

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I agree with the others that she needs to sit down with a CHristian Counselor for the sexual abuse issue as i can and often does impact a persons sexuality in marriage.

Tips that i would have for you to get her more in the mood are as follows :

1. Women need a heavy dose of affection not only prior to lovemaking, but earlier on in the day too . Concentrate alot on non sexual touching as a constant routine . Verbalize how you love her too.

2. Make REAL sure that your body is extremely clean from showering and apply her favorite cologne to your neck area. Provide a bedroom environment that is almost pitch black but still able to make out one anothers body outline. When you both get into bed with the expectation of lovemaking to come, spend alot of time holding one another / talking affectionately / and getting a spark going by such actions as rubbing your foot up and down her lower leg as you are talking , running your fingers thru her hair , manipulating her back with your fingers and the like....all without touching her sexually . This will allow her to unwind, to concentrate on just the two of you, will reduce built up stress from the day , put her in a good mental frame of mind, she will feel relaxed and safe with you , she will eventually respond by doing some of the same affectionate displays on your body...and this will set the stage for sexual stimulation to eventually follow. Dont be in any kind of a rush when youre doing this...just make it extended and both of you enjoy the closeness and affection. Many men dont realize that a woman has to be prepared by the man leading up to the foreplay stage (and for intercourse especially) .

3. Be sure and give her help with chores and duties around the house. When shes washing the dinner dishes, get in there and dry them as your talking to her. Remember...sex starts in the kitchen in the form of preparing her for the bedroom later on. She needs to feel she is connecting with you before any bedroom scene takes place.

4. Experiment by being creative in the bedroom ; after a prolonged (pre-staging) affectionate time together as described in #2 which has now moved you into a definitive sexual phase ... plan on doing some enjoyable creative things to bring sexual stimulation to her in conjunction to the more normal lovemaking routines. While i cant get too in-depth with technique strategy in this public post, I think i can safely suggest things like trying out different bedroom furniture , going out on the bedroom porch when dark in blankets, and so on ...for a nice change to the usual . I think married couples allow their sex life to grow stale by not enough creativity, so, let your mind wander and enjoy the freedom of sexual expression while maintaining appropriate boundaries of course.

5. Once you are firmly into the lovemaking phase , do not rush things even if your testosterone is in overdrive ; remember, the woman is almost always lagging behind the man once youve reached this stage. The best way i can suggest it , is : Just to make it last a long long time when you are in this stage .

Do any of these things sound like they might be helpful to you both ? If you care to discuss some other ideas i have..feel free to PM me because ive had success in the past. I hope you have a very endearing marriage. Regards.

You guys are brave to discuss a private topic on a forum so openly!

brightfuture2172 said:

You guys are brave to discuss a private topic on a forum so openly!

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Well, i trust that everyone including the Moderators can see that the advice is being handled in a mature, concerned , tactful manner . Afterall, we all have a sexual nature which God meant to be enjoyed and expressed in the loving confines of marriage. So, why not try and help out a Brother in the Lord who asked for specific advice.

TheyCallMeDavid said:

Well, i trust that everyone including the Moderators can see that the advice is being handled in a mature, concerned , tactful manner . Afterall, we all have a sexual nature which God meant to be enjoyed and expressed in the loving confines of marriage. So, why not try and help out a Brother in the Lord who asked for specific advice.

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Well said!

Once or twice a week is normal, by the way.

Aibrean said:

Once or twice a week is normal, by the way.

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I think so too, I agree.

Sex is just sex. It is a small part of your marriage, though an important one. You two will grow together, learn together and you will be happy. You have to stop worrying about what is "normal." What is normal for most people will not be normal with you.

My husband and I were never big on the sexual side of it. It was fun, okay, but not earth-shattering. You know what? As soon as I stopped thinking about "what's wrong with us" we really settled into what worked for us. And despite the sparse activity, we have four strong boys, including two twins. My husband is disabled, and that side of our life is gone. But you know what? It didn't change a thing. We're still best friends, still happy, and still married, after 18 years of marriage and 8 years of disability.

Neither one of us is unhappy, and we both are still madly in love with each other.

Why worry? You aren't in a inappropriate content movie. You're in it for the long haul. You likely have many years together. What do you honestly think you're missing?

Love your wife. Let her love you. The rest will come along in a while.

Yeah, concentrate on your God life not your sex life

(Okay, I was just dying to say that)

Though I know some folks (mostly worldly) look at having sex seven times a day (or seven times a week) as having some kind of great marriage (depends on who and their standards) I don't.

I would rather make more time for God then for that much sex (well, because to me, God is much more fulfilling then carnal sex). Though I would never advocate being neglectful of the husband (or the husband of the wife) , but as a Christian (if I had married a Christian man) I would sure hope he felt the same way. And I mean that only in the sense that I would be hopeful the man wouldn't be a walking ball of uncontrollable lust. Being a Son of the living God (that is), or I would have hoped he wouldn't be all about minding the things of the flesh more then of the Spirit (if you know what I mean). Or if I put that right.

Personally I would feel rather cheated had I married a christian man that just lusted all the time to the point of excess. That would be a drag (to me) and then "duty only" would come into play. But that's often not desireable to a man. Then he can feel that he should "spice it up" when often a lot of women just want them to knock it off. So the one wants to make her get into it more where the other is often thinking, why on earth isn't a couple of times a week sufficient? And in pressing it so much the woman often becomes more turned off (so to speak) and the man picks up (in her) that shes not enjoying herself (or that duty part kicking in) most men can perceive (and want to change).

Maybe coming together in smaller doses (when the need arises) would be more helpful? Verses lust overload or something?

Fireinfolding said:

Though I know some folks (mostly worldly) look at having sex seven times a day (or seven times a week) as having some kind of great marriage (depends on who and their standards) I don't.

Maybe coming together in smaller doses (when the need arises) would be more helpful? Verses lust overload or something?

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For some Christian couples, that could actually be normal, having sex seven times a week (seven times a day would be too exhausting for me, but maybe not for another couple that can do it?) and I do not see anything wrong with that. Could possibly be that the need arises that much for them.

Every couple is different need we need to remember that.

I know before my depression started to get worse and I lost my sex drive, I could go seven times a week easily, but my wife couldn't because of her MS, and I realized that, but now her drive has ramped up and mine has dwindled to essentially nothing and it hurts me to know that she desires sex more so than I do now.

ChrisHolland619 said:

Me and my wife just got married. We are extremely happy with each other, are best friends, and have a very happy marriage.

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Congrats

ChrisHolland619 said:

The only problem is that when we are trying to be intimate, it seems as if there isn't really a huge spark there in that area. We are both attracted to each other, but my wife has never had any form of sexual activity, even masturbation, growing up, as she attended an extremely strict baptist church while growing up, and they taught her that any form of sexual thought or experimentation with herself was a sin. I personally disagree with that.

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Yep. That's a big problem. When you have absorbed the idea that sex=SIN!!! your whole life, it's kinda hard to switch gears. And if your wife has a 'naturally low' sex drive, she wouldn't even know it because she would have just considered that 'being good'.

I think that getting her to touch/fantasize is going in the wrong direction. Both of those things are off-limits to her at this point, so pushing that will only push her away.

What you need to do is get her talking. Ask her what she thought sex would be like before she was married. Ask her how she likes to be kissed. Ask her what sort of physical touch she enjoys. Invite her to open up to you. And whatever she answers, don't act like it's weird or repressed or something that needs to be fixed, but offer to do those things for her. Meet her on her level in love.

Boidae said:

For some Christian couples, that could actually be normal, having sex seven times a week (seven times a day would be too exhausting for me, but maybe not for another couple that can do it?) and I do not see anything wrong with that. Could possibly be that the need arises that much for them.

Every couple is different need we need to remember that.

I know before my depression started to get worse and I lost my sex drive, I could go seven times a week easily, but my wife couldn't because of her MS, and I realized that, but now her drive has ramped up and mine has dwindled to essentially nothing and it hurts me to know that she desires sex more so than I do now.

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Hey there bro, long time no chat with

Yeah, it all depends on the couple. I mean you are locked into one another (till death). That's why Paul says he spake by permission about taking time apart for prayer and fasting. He couldn't speak by commandment because he just got done telling them that neither had the sole power over the others body (Paul being no exception). So it must be by consent for such a time.

I sympathize bro, because sometimes its without consent too, because theres times when you just cant. That little thing in our marriage vows relating to loving and honoring one another as much in "sickness as in health". And I get it too Boidae, I was laid up in bed for two years myself, unable to walk because of my defective spine. So "that" was out of the question, at least "with me" it was. But there was absolutely nothing I could do about that either.

Times such as those can also real the character of a husband or wife too. Even as you been such a blessing to your wife, I know you have. Your entitled to get depressed, I think we all do at some time or another. Ever read the psalms? Most doctors would have prescribe Prozac for David with his ups and downs. Or maybe they might have diagnosed him as being bipolar or something similar. When he was no such thing. When he was up (He was up) and when he was down (he was down).

There just seems to be a lot of Christian men so focused on sex and how to get so much more of it. I guess I don't understand that or the measure of weight (even of focus) they put on it.

But then again, it does seem far more common of women to be less interested in it then them. But that's between each couple.

God bless you bro (you and yours) and I do hope you are feeling better soon too

Obviously the abuse is probably playing a role. But I notice in general we are taught to avoid sex, not even talk about it as if its the worse thing on earth. Then once we get married most couples have no idea what to do really because they were is bubbled from the subject.

When I got married my wife literally knew nothing about sex. Not even what parts of the genitals were called (including her own). And at first she would look up any fun thing about sex to make sure it was biblical because she truly didn't know. Even certain positions.

Not trying to be TMI but just pointing out how when married we still are to busy thinking sex is bad. Even to the point of not even talking to each other about it. No one ever does a sermon saying sex is good once married and a beautiful, bonding thing. Heck look at the Song of Solomon. Study what exactly its saying in detail. After doing this you will realize just how sexual it is and how beautiful it is in Gods eyes that a married couple is embracing it.

Overtime you will both learn more about each other and know what works. Mind you, you will need to spice things up over time to make sure it doesn't die off. Although as with anything not every couple is the same. For some they learn quickly, for others they learn over time, for some they have sex once a month, for others three times a day. Theres not correct or incorrect way to enjoy intimacy.

Now scientifically though there are things that tend to apply to sex no matter how you feel about it. Such as unlike a man, a woman needs to have her motor going before the act at hand. Playing around (hint hint) turns her body on more inside. For some the husband may spend all day doing things for her to make her feel more turned on. Like making dinner, setting up a bubble bath or massage and so on.

I will say I honestly enjoy that my wife doesn't even know the basics. Its a fun experience to see her face light up when we try or talk about new fun things to do.

Let me share some profound words I heard in counseling: men desire sex for validation, women offer sex because they have received validation. Perhaps this will help you. You must validate her as a woman and your spouse and she will freely offer herself to you.

There is no telling what the molestation really did to her. This is an issue which must be explored. It probably reaches deeper than either of you realize. Such was the case in my marriage.